How Soul Mates Are Found
by SuperMegaFoxyAwesomeHot2001
Summary: The story of how Lily Evans and James Potter fell in love, but its not as easy as some people make love to be; there are many problems heading their way: James' arrogance and his skulduggery with The Marauders, Severus' infatuation and friendship, Lily's defiance and pride and the First Wizarding War. Marriage Law included. Rated M for strong language and sex references. COMPLETE.
1. The Doe meets the Stag

**A/N: I am about to sum up my story (in a really cringe-inspiring way):**

**This is the story of Jily (Lily Evans and James Potter, in case you didn't know) and how they fell in love, got married, why they had Harry, etc. However, like most cliché romance stories, their pursuit for happiness and love isn't as simple as you might think! For one thing, James' arrogance and his skulduggery with the Marauders makes it difficult for Lily (being a Prefect and Head Girl and a rule abider) to like him. Furthermore, Severus' infatuation with Lily poses a problem as Lily only wants to be friends and James despises Severus with a burning passion. Lily also has a lot of pride and refuses to do what is expected of her - especially when it comes down to dating James! **

**That's not all, if you think this is just some awkward, trivial teenage love story then think again! The Wizarding World War will strike and the Marriage Law will be introduced. Lives will be lost, prices will be paid, friendships broken, friendships made (I'm rhyming, a poet and I didn't even know it), love declared and love lost... **

**So please relax and enjoy! The quality of my writing - I like to think - gets better as the story progresses. However, do bear in mind that this is my first FanFiction so please humour me and be patient.**

**I'm not promising anything amazing but hopefully you'll kind of like it and maybe I'll make you smile once in a while - stranger things have happened.**

**I own nothing! The characters, plot, lots of the quotes and the whole concept is owned by the wonderful J K Rowling. Please read and review if you have a few seconds to spare. Another disclaimer, this story contains strong language and sex references. **

**By the way: the whole diary format is temporary! I literally use it for this chapter, the next and in the twenty-something chapter.**

**Sorry I ramble. Please enjoy and have an interesting and happy day!**

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Lily's P.O.V

Dear Diary,

My mother told me to get a diary to write in whilst I'm at school, so here it is. She appears to think I'll need something to vent to. Today was my first day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My whole family came to King's Cross station, even Tuney. Sev didn't come with me though; I suppose his mother took him. I certainly hope his dad didn't. Anyway, Tuney knows that Sev and I saw the letter she sent to Professor Dumbledore and now she's twice as upset with me. I know Tuney was jealous but now she thinks I'm a freak and that Hogwarts is a school for mad people. It doesn't bother me really; at least it shouldn't bother me.

I found a compartment on the train and Sev found me, which was nice. I was crying though, because Tuney hates me and she said some really nasty things at the station. I could kick myself now, what's the use in crying? It's completely illogical. He is a good friend; he did tell me that I should be in Slytherin but he was only looking out for me.

"You'd better be in Slytherin." Sev said. Naturally, I was confused, not knowing anything at all about Hogwarts, other than a few details from Sev before.

"Slytherin?"

"Who wants to be in Slytherin?" the boy who had been sitting across from us who had been previously occupied by looking out the window turned to the boy next to him. "I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," the boy sitting next to him said.

"Blimey, and I thought you seemed all right!"

The boy sitting next to him grinned.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

The boy sitting opposite us lifts an imaginary sword and I remember thinking he was an idiot- which he is- by the way.

"'_Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!' _Like my dad."

Severus made a snorting sound and I wondered what was wrong with Gryffindor. The boy across from us glared at Sev, clearly insulted.

"Got a problem with that?"

"No," Sev said, although he did sneer unattractively. This, I think, is why Tuney doesn't like him. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy-"

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" the other boy interjects.

I scowled at him, but the Gryffindor boy roared with hysterical laughter. By this point, I had had enough. They had no right to insult Sev, the immature gits.

"Come on Severus, let's find another compartment." I had tried to keep my voice level but I don't think I succeeded.

The two of them mocked my tone and the Gryffindor boy even had the nerve to laugh at me. I stalked out and Severus tripped over one of their feet.

"See ya, Snivellus."

When we got out, I muttered every curse I could think of. Even though Sev was trying to hide it, I can always tell when he's upset.

"Don't listen to them Sev. They're just immature idiotic buffoons; you're twice the man they are." I had told him.

Sev gave me a wry smile and I knew that he was okay. We did find another compartment which only had two other girls in it, Marlene and Alice. They're really nice and are now my friends. You'd think the rest of the day was trouble-free, but those stupid boys on the train? I saw them _again _when Hagrid told us to get into fours to go across the boats. I tried to find Sev but I was pushed from behind into a boat and landed on my face.

"Watch it!"

"Sorry, didn't see you there."

That was when I recognised the boy, it was the Gryffindor boy. One of his mates I hadn't seen before had sat next to me and he's quite nice. I glared at the Gryffindor boy.

"My, my, is this fate?" Gryffindor boy looked me up and down (the creep) and then turned to his friend whom he had sat next to on the train.

"I dunno James, you tell me."

"What are the chances of seeing Snivellus' saviour again, in _our_ boat, no less?"

"Second to none, I'd say. How is your mate Snivellus?"

"Don't call him that."

"Then what can we call him?"

"By his _name_."

"You're no fun," the boy sitting next to Gryffindor boy said.

"Come on guys, leave the poor girl alone," the boy sitting next to me said.

"Relax, Remus, it's only Snivellus I'm tormenting." Gryffindor boy laughed, making me scowl harder. He pushed his hand through his already messed up black hair and the sheer arrogance of the gesture still sickens me to the bone.

"I'm James Potter, by the way." He held out his hand.

"The only way I'd be shaking your hand was if someone had controlled me with the _Imperious _curse." I snapped at him.

Potter laughed harder, his mate joined in.

"Snivellus been teaching you curses, has he?" Potter's mate said.

"That's none of your business," I had retorted.

"I'll bet he has, we'll have to have a word with him, won't we James? Tell him not to corrupt innocents."

All three of them laughed, but the one sitting next to me didn't. Not really.

"Why did Snivellus make friends with you? I thought Muggle-borns were beneath him." Potter's friend mused.

"Severus told me it didn't matter what my blood heritage was."

"Oh did he now?" Potter's friend shook his head.

"So it does matter?"

"No!" Potter had said quickly. "Well, it matters to some people but those sorts of people aren't the people you'll want to make friends with."

"Why? Because I'm beneath them or something?"

"Not at all," the boy sitting next to me had said. "Some Pureblood families, families where nobody is Muggle-born, they believe that magic should be given to only those of Pureblood. It's a load of nonsense, of course. I mean loads of the best witches and wizards have been Muggle-borns. Maybe you'll be the next."

I had beamed at him, because it was a lovely thing to say. I can't imagine why Sev didn't tell me all this before.

"I'm Sirius Black," Black didn't bother to hold out his hand, he did give me, however, what I'm sure he thought was a flattering smirk.

"I'm Remus Lupin."

Remus I like but I definitely don't like Potter and Black. They're too big-headed for my liking.

"Aren't you going to tell us you name?" Potter had demanded.

"Lily Evans."

The boats had finally stopped at the shore, I had started to get out and then I had felt two hands on my waist, lifting me down.

"I don't need your help Potter," I had made every word drip with as much venom as I could.

"I was being a gentleman," Potter had feigned a look of hurt before holding out his hand, still deluding himself that I was incapable of climbing down a few stairs.

"She said she doesn't need your help." Severus had appeared next to me and Potter's hand dropped to his side.

"I see; you're jealous because I can be a gentleman." Potter smirked and I rolled my eyes.

"As if. Girls don't go for obnoxious twats." Sev said smoothly.

Black snorts.

"Like you could get a girlfriend, Snivellus."

"I have more chance than you; I'm not a blood traitor."

Potter raised his eyebrows. "Last time I checked, you were the one with the friend who happens to be Muggle-born."

"Leave Lily out of this." Sev had got right in Potter's face.

"Then lay off Sirius, you old-fashioned prick."

I had put my hand on Sev's arm at that point and tried to drag him away.

"He's not worth it, Sev." Severus glared at Potter one last time before following me.

Once we got to the Entrance Hall, this really elegant woman called Professor McGonagall informed us all about Hogwarts, the house point system, Quidditch, the rules and the sorting its self but I won't bore myself having to explain it all again, especially about the rules and Quidditch which take a long time to explain. I was quite worried about all this information, but Sev had squeezed my arm reassuringly. When he did, I caught Potter's eye, he was making a face at Sev and I glowered.

Anyway, Professor McGonagall led us into the Great Hall which is by far the most amazing spectacle I've ever seen and the ceiling mimicked the night sky but much clearer and you could see all the stars like when I was a really small girl,Tuney and I used to watch the stars, but we never knew how to find the constellations. Hovering above the tables were flickering candles, illuminating the space. The four tables intended for students had the house colours on and at the very top of the Great Hall, the teacher's table stood. Professor McGonagall lined us up and called us out alphabetically to try on the Sorting Hat who (I don't want to call it an "it" as it seemed pretty alive to me) performed a little song.

It went a little like this:

_"Oh you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see, I'll eat myself if you can find a smarter hat than me."_

Professor McGonagall called out names but I only half tuned in to note that Black was sorted into Gryffindor, Marlene and Alice also went to Gryffindor and a sweet boy called Amos Diggory went to Hufflepuff. Then my name was called and I can't remember being more nervous in my life.

"Evans, Lily."

Sev nudged me forward and I sat on the stool. Professor McGonagall puts the hat on my head and almost immediately, the Sorting Hat shouts, "GRYFFINDOR!"

I went to sit at the Gryffindor table, giving Sev a sad smile as I pass. It's hard on the both of us, really. It's such a strain on our friendship, especially as Gryffindor and Slytherin are supposed enemies. Black made room for me but I still remembered the train incident and the boat journey so I folded my arms and didn't talk to him.

Shortly after, Remus, Potter and a boy called Peter Pettigrew join us. Potter sits on one side of me, Black on the other with Remus next to Potter and Peter next to Black. When Severus' name was called out and he was sorted into Slytherin, Potter clapped loudest of all.

"You should be glad he's not in our house," Potter said. I still don't like the way he said 'our', as if the two of us share something.

"Why would I be, Potter? He's my friend."

"Some friend," Potter muttered. I still don't know what he meant by that but I don't really care. Boys like Potter can't be trusted.

Another man, quite young, makes an amusing announcement. He's Professor Dumbledore, our Headmaster before food appears on the table. The food here is delicious. I should write to my mother and tell her. She was worried that boarding schools don't feed people properly but that's down to her own individual experience.

Once we're finished, prefects show us to the Gryffindor Tower and we all get changed to go to sleep. Marlene, Alice and I share a dormitory and that's where I am now, writing this. I'll write to my mother and Tuney in the morning but now I need to sleep.

**A/N: Sorry! Me again, thanks for taking the time to read this. It won't be 100% perfect like the original but I hope it's not terribly awful. I promise that Jily will happen, but not until 6th year, which will be soon because I'm not writing for every single day of Lily/James' life. Thanks again.**


	2. Toasty Limericks and the Third Year

**A/N: ****Hello! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I own nothing! All credit to the amazing J K Rowling! Have an interesting day!**

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LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Dear Diary,

First of all, it feels petty to be writing in a diary when I'm 13 but then again, who can I talk to about this stuff? Mar and Alice are great friends but I can't talk to them about boy stuff unless I want it to be transformed into a fucking joke.

Today was my first day of my third year at Hogwarts. Marlene doesn't live far from me so instead of dragging my _delightful_ sister along with me; I met up with Mar instead. We met Alice and Sev at Platform 93/4.

Sev always comes alone, I did offer for him to come with us but he said no. Alice and Mar don't like Sev, I'll get into that later.

"Hey Sev!" I shouted. Sev looked up and smiles and I greeted him with a hug. "How was your holiday?"

"It was alright, my dad was there a lot." I noticed a new bruise above his eye.

"What happened?"

"He started hitting my mum and I couldn't let him, could I? So I jumped in the way."

"Are you okay Sev?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Stop worrying Lily."

I didn't push it further, he'd only lie.

Once we got on the train, Alice, Mar and I sat down in a compartment but Sev hovered at the door awkwardly. Even though Alice and Mar don't like Sev, they still tolerate his presence because he's my friend.

"Aren't you coming in, Sev?"

"No, I don't think I will. Lucius and Bellatrix invited me to sit with them."

"Why would you do that? Tell them you're sitting with us."

"It wasn't really an invitation, if you know what I mean," he'd tried to crack a smile.

"Oh."

Sev smiled apologetically. "I'll catch you later though, Lil?"

"Sure," I said weakly.

The compartment door slid shut and I remember feeling a part of me deteriorate.

"I don't know why you're friends with that scumbag." Alice said.

"He's my friend and he's not that bad."

"Not that bad? Do you know what him, Avery and Mulciber get up to?"

"No."

"Dark magic, Lil. They're always talking about the Dark Lord and becoming Death Eaters."

"Sev's not like that, he's a good person."

"I don't know who you're kidding, Lily. He's as much of a blood status racist as Malfoy."

"He's never called me the m-word and he never will."

"Just watch your back, Lil. I don't want you to get hurt," Marlene said seriously.

The compartment door slides open.

"Hello, ladies. What's this about Snivellus?" Black stuck his head, then his whole body into our compartment.

"How long were you out there listening?" I whipped out my wand.

"Hey! Don't attack me, it was Prong's idea!" Black shoved Potter into the compartment.

"Mind if we sit here?"

Potter doesn't wait for an answer and steps completely into the compartment. I stand up, my wand drawn, he eyed it cautiously before sitting in my seat.

"Potter, that's my seat."

"It certainly seems so, Evans."

"Then get out."

"Just sit down," Black says as he seated himself next to Mar and Remus and Peter sit in all the other available seats.

"There's nowhere for me to sit."

"Sit on me," Potter smirks.

"Certainly not, Potter."

As I said it, his hands grabbed my waist and pulled me into his lap.

I try to pull away but his hands hold me there. "Let go of me, Potter."

"Not a chance, Evans, unless, of course, you'll go out with me."

"Not in a million years will I go out with you."

"You heard her, Prongs," Remus said. Potter reluctantly lets go of my waist and Remus moves up but I was still uncomfortably close to Potter. Potter stares at me the whole journey.

BREAKFAST THE NEXT DAY

**(A/N: This is as it happens, by the way, still in Lily's P.O.V so not in diary mode. Diary mode wasn't really working.)**

"Please pretty please?" Alice begs as we head for the Great Hall.

"No, Alice. It was awful the past two years and I have studying to do."

"Oh come on Lily. It's just one party a year. Marlene's going with Frank Longbottom and I don't want to be alone. Mar won't even talk to me about whether Amos likes me. Do you think he'll ask me to Slughorn's party?"

"Sure, Alice. You're really pretty and Amos would be lucky to be your date."

"Aw, thanks Lily, that's so sweet. I really need you to come, in case I vomit on the punch again and Slughorn would be so disappointed of his star student didn't come."

"Fine, Alice. I'll go to Slughorn's party, but if you start kissing Amos, I'm leaving and you can walk back to Gryffindor Tower by yourself."

"Yay! You won't regret it, I promise!"

As we enter the Great Hall, Marlene waves at us. I frown when I note that she is sitting with Potter and Black.

"Good morning, Evans," Potter says brightly.

"Good morning Marlene, Remus, Peter… and Black."

"Oh come on! Am I invisible?" Potter scowls.

"I'm sorry, I must be hearing things. Did you hear a troll?" I ask Remus. Remus snorts, even Black chuckles a little.

"Very funny, Evans."

I begin to sit down between Alice and Remus but Potter pushes Alice along next to Black leaving a space next to him. Grudgingly, I sit down. Potter smirks at me and I look down at my toast.

"There was a boy called James Potter, some people thought Sirius was hotter, those people are crazy, Sirius is just lazy, so will you be the seal to my otter?" I read aloud.

I howl with laughter, the limerick is awful but I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Once I've read it aloud, Remus, Alice, Mar and Black join in laughing. Peter doesn't laugh, he clearly doesn't have a sense of humour.

"That's ridiculous, mate. 'The seal to my otter'?" Black hoots.

"Like you could do any better," Potter glowers.

"Sure I can. Sirius Black is the best and ultimate man, if he can't do something then nobody can, the ladies swoon, because he looks fabulous in maroon and shit, poetry's hard."

I almost fall of the bench from laughing so much.

"Exactly, it's hard. All I wanted to say was that I want to take you to Slughorn's party," Potter sighs.

"Why didn't you just say that then?" Remus asks amusedly.

"Because I knew she's say no."

"He's right," I admit, "although, I'd say no anyway."

"Fine, how about we study together in the library at 4?"

"Absolutely not, Potter. I won't spend any more time with you than I have to."

"Why not, Evans? Am I too hot for you? Or maybe I distract you with my charm." Black snorts into his toast.

"The only thing you distract me with is your large obnoxious head."

Potter sighs. "One day, Evans, you'll be my wife and you'll feel foolish."

"If Evans ever does become your wife, I'll give you 50 galleons," Black leans forward to whisper in my ear. "Just don't fall in love with him, Evans. I don't actually have 50 galleons."

"Don't worry, I won't."

I get up and leave the Great Hall. I really hate Potter. He struts around like he owns the place or something. Not to mention that all he does is how off and mess up his hair so it looks like he's just come off the Quidditch pitch. Yet, girls swoon at the sight of him. They're either blind or incredibly stupid.

I'm so busy ranting in my head, I accidentally bump into someone.

"Sorry," I mutter.

"You've got no right to touch me, you filthy Mudblood."

I raise my head to look at the person I bumped into: Mulciber. I wince, I really hate that word.

"Don't call her that," I hear two voices at once. Sev and Potter stand behind me staring daggers at Mulciber.

"Standing up for your scum of a Mudblood girlfriend, Snape? Her blood is so filthy; I think it's affecting my health. I wonder what the Dark Lord would say about that, you little Blood Traitor," Mulciber sneers.

"What's going on here?" Professor McGonagall appears next to us.

"Nothing Professor," Mulciber says in what he thinks is a delicate tone, it sounds like a load of rats being tortured.

"Believe it or not Mr Mulciber, but as a teacher I have acute senses, apologise to Evans and once you've finished that, get a bucket and clean the boy's toilets- _without _magic."

"Come on, Lily."

Sev takes my arm and we start walking away.

"You're welcome Evans!" Potter shouts after us.

"She didn't need your help!" Sev shouts back.

Potter standing up for me? The world really has become nonsensical.


	3. Lily's First Kiss

**A/N: I don't own anything! It all belongs to the fabulous J K Rowling! Thank you to lilly flower forever and alpha1001 for following this story! I really appreciate it!**

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TWO WEEKS LATER

"I can stand up for myself. I appreciate that you're worried about me, Sev, but I am independent."

"I don't like watching whilst you get verbally abused. Besides, I thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?"

"We _are_, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging around with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! _Mulciber!_ What do you see in him, Sev? He's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Mcdonald the other day?"

I lean against a pillar in the courtyard.

"That was nothing. It's was a laugh, that's all –"

"It was Dark Magic and if you think that's funny –"

"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" Sev demands colour rising to his cheeks. I didn't want him to get _angry_.

"What's Potter got to do with anything?"

"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"

I can feel the blood rushing to my own cheeks, insulting Potter is one thing but insulting _Remus_.

"He's ill," I must admit this had been puzzling me a bit as well. "They say he's ill."

"Every month at the full moon?" Sev looks at me sceptically.

"I know you're theory," I really have had it with Sev and Remus. "Why are you so obsessed with them, anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

"I'm just trying to show you that they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are."

He stares at me with great intensity.

"They don't use dark magic, though. And you're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow and Potter saved you from whatever's down there –"

Sev's face contorts with rage.

"Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to – I won't let you –"

"_Let_ me? _Let_ me?"

"I didn't mean – I just don't want to see you made a fool of – he fancies you, James Potter fancies you! And he's not… Everyone thinks… Big Quidditch hero –"

The bitterness of his voice almost makes me laugh. As if I would ever date _Potter_. I raise my eyebrows, I know better than most the truth about Potter.

"I know Potter's an arrogant toerag. I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber and Avery's idea of humour is just evil. _Evil_, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them."

We start walking again.

"So, you know, let me handle things on my own. I won't learn to protect myself properly if you're always doing it for me. Do you not think I'm capable or something? Do you think that just because I'm a _girl_ and a _Muggle-born_ that I don't know how to defend myself?"

"NO! But if I do stop, Potter will have won."

"Won what?" I narrow my eyes.

"Won you," Sev sighs.

"Did you even hear what I just said? I AM _NOT_ AN OBJECT! I am a fully-functioning witch and, in case it escaped your notice, a human being."

"I know," Sev says quickly.

We walk in silence for a bit.

"Are you going to Slughorn's party?"

I hesitate.

"Yes," I say very carefully.

"Are you going with anyone?" Sev tries to pass his voice off as casual but it still sounds anxious.

"No. Unless Alice counts but I think Amos asked her."

"D'you want to go with me?"

"Okay," I feel my heart skip a bit and Sev grins. This will be my first ever date. Can I call it that?

I go back to the common room. _I have a date. I have a date. I have a date. _

Alice and Marlene are getting ready when I enter our dormitory. I hunt down my mother's green dress which she's leant me. I put it on and I'm not one to brag but I think it looks gorgeous.

"That's such a beautiful dress!" Alice exclaims when she sees it.

I look at them both, Marlene looks astonishing as always and Alice looks breath-taking.

"You two look amazing though!" and they really do.

Together, we head for the entrance to the portrait hole. Frank comes for Mar and then Amos comes for Alice and I'm left waiting for Sev.

"Lily?" it's Sev.

"Hey."

Sev looks at me, but _really_ looks at me. I blush. It's not a very comfortable stare, it's like he's trying to eat me.

We start to walk to the party, Sev babbling on about some sort of Transfiguration homework he's got and I find myself distracted by such odd things like the window and the carpet. I'm not really listening to Sev at all. Sev can be so boring sometimes.

"Lily?"

"Mhm?"

"Are you ready to go inside?" Sev asks.

I nod and we enter Slughorn's party. It seems less pathetic than last year, maybe that's because _I have a date_. Professor Slughorn comes our way.

"My two best students! How's the party for you?"

"It's wonderful, thank you Professor." I smile at him.

"Good! Ah, it looks as if we have a few unexpected guests. Potter! Black! What are you doing here?"

Professor Slughorn makes his way over to them and I feel Sev's hand go firmly around my waist. I look up at him but his eyes are fixed on Potter.

"Well, you see Professor, we saw the _wonderful_ atmosphere of your party practically _miles_ away. So we thought, why don't we pay Professor Slughorn a visit? I mean, who can resist this sort of party? In fact, it's such an amazing party, did you sort out the music?"

"Why, yes! Yes, I did."

"We thought so didn't we, Sirius?" Potter turns to Black. Black nods in agreement.

"Oh, well! I suppose you could stay." Professor Slughorn beams at them.

I roll my eyes; trust Potter to get in through flattery. Potter and Black begin to walk toward us. Sev turns me into him and kisses me, deeply. At first, I am shocked but then I'm thinking how to untangle myself from this kiss. His arms go around me, pulling me in even closer, if that is possible. It is uncomfortably unpleasant and I did not give permission for him to kiss me. I come to my senses and push him away.

His eyes are wide and I see that Potter's wand is pressed into his back.

"Potter," I hiss at him, trying not to make a scene. "Let Severus go."

Potter reluctantly pulls his wand away. I take Sev's hand but he's staring a pointed ice stare at Potter.

"Sev, let's go." I say.

"Wait a moment, Lily. I need to straighten something out with Potter." Sev sneers.

"Certainly, Snivellus. Shall we take this outside?"

Potter and Sev leave, I try to run after them but two firm hands pull my shoulders backwards. I swivel around, Black is staring at me.

"What?" I snap at him.

"You kissed Snivelly."

That's when I realise what happened, Sev kissed me and I didn't like it. I definitely don't want to do it again but that was my first kiss. I don't know if I like kissing.

"He kissed me," I say defensively.

"I don't blame him, you look bloody great."

"I'm going to pretend you never said that."

Black shrugs. I remember Potter and Sev and I make to move away but Black grabs my wrist.

"Wait! Evans, where are you going?"

"I need to find Severus."

"You can't. James said –"

"I don't give a shit what Potter said! He doesn't own me."

"I can't let you go out there, what if a hex or something hits you?"

"I'm a _witch_, Black! I'm more than capable of handling a duel."

Black says nothing and lets go of my wrist and runs after me. It doesn't take long to find them, surprisingly; they're fighting Muggle-style with no wands.

"Give up Potter! She's made her choice." Sev hits Potter square in the nose, Potter punches Sev's jaw.

"I have done no such thing!" I shout, pushing Sev away from Potter and rounding on him. "How many times have I told you? I'm a _human being_! I wish you would treat me like one."

I start yelling random crap in his face.

"But we kissed," he says bluntly.

"No. _You _kissed me. I don't remember saying you could."

"Well, you didn't exactly protest."

"Yeah, well I'm protesting now."

I walk away, leaving Sev and Potter behind me, not knowing where to turn next.


	4. The Real Marauders

**A/N: ****I do not own anything! This will be the last chapter on Lily and James' third year and I think I may skip the fourth and go straight to OWLs, Prefects and Snape's worst memory!**

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't realise you'd be so upset. I thought you liked me."

"I _do_, Sev, I do. I just don't think I'm ready for _that_."

"But we are okay aren't we?" Sev asks.

"Yeah, we are."

Sev seems happier so I walk to where Mar and Alice are sitting for breakfast. The Marauders are nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, stranger," Mar says.

"What?"

"We didn't see you at the party last night. Molly said something about you coming home crying, are you okay?"

"I'm _fine_." I look between the two of them – neither seems very convinced.

"Alright. What happened then? I was too busy talking to Frank and _Alice_, why don't you tell Lil what you did last night?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Amos kissed me!" Alice giggles.

"Did he? Aw, that's so sweet!"

"It was perfect," Alice sighs dreamily.

"Go on, what happened at the party? Everybody's talking about something that happened at the party only we don't know what it is," Mar looks at me expectantly.

"Potter and Black gate-crashed and Severus –"

"Wait! Hold on, you went with _Snivellus_?" Mar's mouth drops open and I blush.

"His name is Severus and yes, I did."

"Lily!" Alice whines. "You could have gone with anyone in our year! Why _Snivellus_? Of all people! James would have gone with you."

I choke on my toast. "Potter?"

"Yes, James Potter. Is there anyone else around here who is incredibly gorgeous and _single_?" Alice says.

"Potter is an arrogant toerag and I would not be seen with him anywhere. Ever."

"I honestly don't know what's wrong with you," Mar moans. "Wait, are you a lesbian?"

"No, I'm not."

"So you're not asexual?" Alice adds.

"No,"

"Right, you must be mental then." Mar says simply.

"Anyway, as I was saying. Potter and Black gate-crashed the party then Potter and Severus had a fight and then I shouted in Sev's face –"

"Hold on, why did James and Snivelly have a fight?" Mar's eyebrows cross together in confusion.

"Um, well, Sev kissed me."

"You KISSED Severus Snape from _Slytherin_?_!_" Mar looks like she is about to faint.

"Not on purpose, I hope!" Alice grumbles.

"No! He kissed _me_, I told him off though because I don't want him to kiss me and well, it wasn't a nice kiss. But then again, what have I got to compare to?"

"Wait! That was your first kiss? That's even worse! I am going to kill Snivellus!"

"Severus," I correct automatically.

"Who's going to kill Snivellus?" Potter takes his usual seat next to me; unfortunately, I can't seem to get rid of him.

"I am," Mar and Alice say together.

"Not that you need a reason, but why?" Black sits next to Mar.

"Because he kissed Lily and she didn't want him to and she didn't like it." Mar explains.

"Hey, can you not tell everybody?" I scowl at them.

"Why not? He can't give you a bad first kiss, which you didn't permit him to do, and get away with it!" Mar says indignantly.

"It's only a kiss," I mumble.

"Wait, that was Evans' first kiss?" Potter stares at me like I'm an alien.

"It's none of your business, Potter," I mutter, my face turning red.

"How can you not have been kissed before?" Potter demands.

"I said; it's none of your business!"

"Urgh! Imagine Snivellus' saliva in Evans' mouth!" Black says disgustingly.

"Thanks for the lovely image," Remus says, pulling a face. "What's this about Lily being kissed?"

"Evans had her first kiss with Snivellus," Potter says bitterly.

"Poor girl," Remus grimaces.

"Severus is my friend –"

"You made up with him? I thought you were shouting in his face." Potter says.

"I was, but he's my friend."

"That is so typical of you, Lily!" Mar stands up. "You let Snivellus walk all over you and when you finally seem to get that he's a pathetic slimy toad, you forgive him! It's an unhealthy friendship, Lily and you'll only end up getting hurt. Snivellus is not a good guy, I mean, come on! Are you really naïve enough to believe that he doesn't join in with the Dark Magic Malfoy, Bellatrix and Crabbe get up to?"

"I know what he does! Okay? I know what he gets up to! I've confronted him about it –"

"Confronted him?" Mar laughs. "And what good will that do? Hmm? Merlin's beard, it's so obvious! I beg you Lily, don't be friends with him it's not good for you."

"I can handle this myself!"

"Are you sure Lily? As of late, you spend more time crying about him than you do laughing _with_ him."

"So? This is life! It's not like I want you to go out with all those boys! You do that to yourself and you end up hurt."

"_All_ those boys? Are you saying that I'm a slut?"

"No! Of course you're not, you're one of my best friends and I care about you –"

"So you understand, then? I care about you Lily; I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't say all that stuff. It's my job to help you especially when it comes to two-faced idiots."

"I'm going back to Gryffindor Tower…" I run back to the common room, tears sliding down my face.

What if Marlene's right? What if Sev's not really my friend but what about all those times at Spinner's End? He was the only thing that kept me going when Tuney hated me; he was the only proof that the life I lead is real. I need Severus but what if he's my poison? What if being his friend will be the death of me?

* * *

FIVE HOURS LATER (NIGHT TIME)

I finish Potions on the bell, packing away my stuff quickly. I see the Marauders head out the door first, with a worried expression on all but Peter's face. I watch them curiously as they head for the third floor, around a corner and into a dark corridor. I run silently to keep up with them, peering at them from a good five meters away.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," Remus says.

They all huddle around a piece of parchment.

"Goddammit! It still doesn't completely work!" I hear Potter say, clearly frustrated.

"Don't worry, Prongs. It will, I just need to work on several charms, it's not easy to do something like this," I hear Remus say.

"I can't wait until we finish it," Black says excitedly. "Just imagine it! Being able to know where everybody is and what they're doing."

"I don't know about _that_ but we'll certainly be able to see where people are," Remus says doubtfully.

"I reckon we should liven it up a bit. The only reason we started this is because it's getting hard to get to then Shrieking Shack without one of Snivelly's mates following us. Maybe we could make it a bit more humorous?"

"Padfoot! I'm not an amazing wizard, you know. Magic has boundaries," Remus says though he chuckles a little.

"I know, but this is going to revolutionise pranksters and trickery. I can't wait to see old Filch's face when he never catches us and we've got your cloak James! We're never getting caught again!" Black almost jumps up and down with eagerness.

"Calm down Padfoot, it's only a map."

The Marauders go on like this for a while, casting spells on the parchment to try and get it to do whatever it is they want it to do. Potter seems to get frustrated and Remus is edgy.

"Guys, it's almost full moon," Remus says, agitated.

"Oh shit! Right, let's get the cloak and go to the Whomping Willow. _Accio _my invisibility cloak!"

"Are you an actual idiot, Prongs?" Black asks.

"Right. I'll run and get it, you head to the Whomping Willow- I'll meet you near the tunnel."

I am intrigued and follow Remus, Black and Peter stealthily. They don't seem to notice but I cannot be sure. Once we reach the tunnel, I hang back so Potter doesn't see me. I watch as Peter disappears, Black becomes a dog and Potter becomes a stag. Well, they almost manage it, it's hard to become an Animagi after all. In fact, I've been trying for a while but I can't. I wonder why Remus hasn't changed.

Actually, where is Remus? I look around for him but I can't see him. The other three shoot spells at the Whomping Willow, stagnating the branches as they slip under the tree. Cautiously, I follow them. The tunnel leads to the Shrieking Shack.

What are they doing out here? Could Sev be right? No, surely not, that would mean that Remus is a… werewolf? I hear a howl and the three almost-successful Animagi join him. I step backwards, it can't be. I feel as if I'm intruding on something personal, which I suppose, I am. Suddenly, I'm afraid my breathing is to loud. I scramble out of the tree as fast as I can, running to Gryffindor Tower.

As I get ready for bed, I smile a little. Now I know something, I was a rebel, I went out after dark and spied on the Marauders, often referred to as secretive. Somehow, I feel like I am a part of their group but not really. As if I would ever hex first years just for the hell of it. But, by being someone like that, maybe I can be braver and conquer my fears. Maybe Potter isn't so and after all… No, I must be so tired that I'm hallucinating and thinking things I should never – and will never- think.


	5. Christmas Eve and the First Bet

**A/N: I own nothing; it all belongs to the talented J K Rowling! Thank you for all the support with the lovely (and constructive!) reviews, the favourites and followers! **

**Here is Christmas in Lily and James' fourth year, four weeks after Professor Slughorn's party.**

* * *

FOURTH YEAR AT HOGWARTS

CHRISTMAS EVE

I think I am the last one up, all the others are either at the Hufflepuff Christmas party in the Room of Requirement (which is such a convenient room to have in a school) or in bed. Meanwhile, I am studying for our next Practice Exam in Defence against the Dark Arts. It's tedious work, really. No spells as of yet, just textbook work. I turn the page and happen to end up on a page about were-wolves and I smile to myself.

"Studying on Christmas Eve, Evans?" Potter walks into the Common Room.

"Yes," I say, scornfully.

"I thought you'd be doing something else, it is the merriest night of the year, after all."

"Yeah, we all know how I _love_ parties."

"Come on, Evans, they're not that bad."

I mumble as way of communication. I really don't want to talk to Potter. Mar and Alice have gone to the party with their boyfriends and I didn't want to be a third-wheel so I stayed behind. I open my textbook again and resume to my previous mind-numbing task of taking notes and revising.

"Aw, Evans! You can't do work on Christmas!"

"It's Christmas _Eve_,"

"Exactly," Potter says unfazed, "so you should be seizing the day! _Carpe diem_! I tell you what, why don't I show you –"

"I'm not going anywhere with you, Potter."

Potter sighs. "School isn't all about the grades."

"I think you'll find that it is."

"No! Recent Muggle studies have shown that you make your best and closest friends at work and school because you have the experience to share together. So technically, the people you meet here are going to be with you forever."

"You've been studying Psychology?" I raise my eyebrows, gently closing my textbook.

"Well, yeah. Just because it's a Muggle thing, doesn't mean that it's not helpful."

"Alright then, what if I told you that by not studying then I won't get good grades and thus won't get a decent job and will not be able to financially support myself?"

"Really, Evans? You know, they say the most intelligent people are the people who don't regard themselves as overly intelligent. I'm not sure exactly what intelligence is, Psychologists and Philosophers alike have been arguing about this for centuries, whether it's something which can be improved upon or whether it is 'just there'."

"The nature versus nurture debate," I say.

"Yeah, I reckon you have people who read a lot, so they gain lots of knowledge from the books they read. Consequently, this makes other people perceive them as intelligent as they know things which they might not. However, in reality the intelligent people are the people who have their own opinions, a love of knowledge, and the ability to accept other arguments and change their minds."

"You know, Potter, sometimes I find myself not hating you and the very thought of your existence doesn't not entirely repulse me. This is when my brain tells I need some sleep because the exhaustion of my brain is getting out of control, goodnight Potter."

I leave the room for my dormitory, as I stand up and begin to walk away with my books, he points upwards. Mistletoe.

Potter takes a step closer but I step backwards, taking out my wand. I point my wand at it; the mistletoe transforms into a paper reindeer and falls gracefully into Potter's hands.

"Merry Christmas," I say before leaving the room.

I run up to my bed, slightly in shock at what I had done. I had just a civil conversation with Potter. Do I actually like him as a human being? No! He's still an obnoxious, bullying flobberworm.

* * *

ONE YEAR LATER

(FIFTH YEAR AT HOGWARTS)

Finally! Hogwarts at last!

"Lily! Oh my gosh, you have no idea how pleased I am to see you!" Mar rushes up to me at Platform 9 ¾, "anyway, do you remember Frank Longbottom? Yeah? My ex-boyfriend? Alice, Alice Prewitt not _our_ Alice, she's going out with him! I am not joking! Frank didn't tell me and we've been dating since third year, I thought he and I were friends. I have a feeling he dumped me because I had a thing with Amos which, by the way, was totally an accident and last year. I swear it was for a week maybe two and I only didn't tell you because I was so worried that you'd all think I was a slut."

"Of course you're not a slut, Mar. So Frank and Amos are not going out with you?"

"No! Also, you know how my parents are really good friends with the Potters? Well, we stayed over at their mansion which is beautiful, by the way and Sirius and I kind of had a thing except I didn't really agree to it, it was only kissing but still. I don't like the idea of any random boy kissing me because they think it's alright. So, we sort of had a thing and now I really like him. I really love him but – and I suppose this is my own fault – guys like Sirius don't want to settle down in the fifth year. I feel like if I met the right guy now I would stay with him for as long as I lived. I feel like I've already been crazy and wild and now I just want to tone things down a bit. Sorry, I'm not really explaining it very well."

"No, I understand you. As for settling down, I suppose that's a good thing, OWLs are this year."

"Yeah, they are. Alice hates me because I kissed Amos, I swear she does, Sirius hasn't talked to me for three weeks, you're always studying and this is the worst day of my life."

"Alice doesn't hate you and you can do so much better than Black. Besides, I have some good news," she looks at me, perplexed.

"I'm a prefect!"

"I knew it! Well done, who's the other Gryffindor prefect?"

"Remus."

"LILY!" Alice tackles me with a hug. "Marlene."

I leave the two of them to their staring contest and try to find Severus. When I find him, I feel a smile creep on my face, almost unexpectedly.

"Severus," I say, tapping him on the back.

"Lily!" he exclaims, turning around. His smile couldn't have been wider.

I hug him and we chat for a bit. As I hug him good-bye, I feel eyes bearing into me. I turn around. Potter, of course.

"See you later, Sev."

"See you, you like nice by the way," I know that my face has flushed with colour.

"Hello, Evans." Potter's eyes pierce my own.

"Hello, Potter."

"Nice holiday?"

"So-so, it would have been better if you hadn't had sent letters to me every single day asking me about Muggle Psychology and Anthropology," Potter smirks.

"Sorry about that, I just wanted to know,"

"Sure," I say dubiously. "You also had to know my favourite colour, preferred music choice and how I dress in the mornings."

"Those things say a lot about the type of person you are," Potter said matter-of-factly.

"I'm sure they do, in fact, my studies say that you're a Type A prick."

"You wound me. Prefect?" he looks at the badge on my chest.

"Yes, so watch it, Potter."

"Of course," he smirks and stands there watching me as I make my way to the train.

I haul my bags onto the Platform and get on the train. Alice and Mar appear to be friends again and I smile as I sit next to them.

"I invited the Marauders to sit with us, Lil, I hope that's okay," Alice says.

"Sure, whatever. I have to patrol and go to the meeting soon anyway."

"Do you want to know what I heard, Lil? Sirius' cousin Bellatrix is _engaged_."

"How?"

"Her parents and the Lestrange family sorted it out, apparently if you want to keep the Pureblood running in families, then you have to sort out your children a wife or husband so they don't fall in love with – heaven forbid- a Muggle-born."

"Oh," I realise that both Mar and Alice are Purebloods.

"Sorry! You're a Muggle-born, I forgot. It's just a load of crap which the traditional type follow. My parents think it's a load of shit this blood racism so I'm not engaged which is a bloody relief. Unfortunately, when my Granddad found out that I didn't have a fiancé, he disowned my mother so now we're Blood Traitors."

We hear a familiar voice outside our compartment.

"Are all you girls decent?" Black asks.

Before we can answer, Black barges in.

"Hey! What if we were half-naked?" Mar demands.

"I wouldn't mind, in fact, it would greatly improve my day."

Mar slaps him on the arm, only half playfully. Remus sits on one side of me, Potter sits on the other. I deliberately turn my back to Potter and talk to Remus instead.

"Congratulations on becoming a Prefect."

"Thanks, you too," Remus says.

"Are you nervous about OWLs?"

"A little," he admits, "but I like to study hard so I think it will be okay."

"Okay? Everyone knows Moony's a swot," Black shouts.

"It's true, Moony," Potter says.

"There's nothing wrong with studying hard, Potter. Just because you have no ambition or intelligence it doesn't mean Remus doesn't."

"We'll see Evans, let's say that if I get all Outstandings and Exceeds Expectations in my OWLs, you go out with me."

"In your dreams, Potter,"

"Alright then, if I do get all Outstandings and Exceeds Expectations, you kiss me."

I hesitate, even though I am fairly confident that he'll never be able to do it, a small part of me doubts it.

"What's wrong, Evans? Afraid you'll lose?" Potter goads me.

"Fine, deal but they have to be _all _Outstandings and Exceeds Expectations any Acceptables or Poors and the deal is off."

"Fine, deal."

We shake on it. Remus and I get up to leave for the Prefect meeting.

"Behave yourself, Moony," Black says as Remus holds the door open for me.

Potter's expression is unreadable but at least he's not talking.


	6. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

**A/N: ****I own nothing it all belongs to the ineffable J K Rowling. ****I know this is a short chapter but I thought it was worth seeing what the Marauders get up to and also what the world is like form James' point of view. Thank you again for the support and taking the time to read my story.**

* * *

A WEEK BEFORE OWLS

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"I don't know what Moony's playing at…" I say grumpily.

Moony and Evans have been spending a lot of time together as of late, much more time than I like.

"Aw come on mate, Moony wouldn't do anything."

"Yeah, I know but still…"

Moony walking with Evans, Moony holding the door for Evans, Moony helping Evans study. All the things _I_ should be doing.

"Hey, did you see Longbottom and Prewitt kissing?" Padfoot says, suddenly.

"No,"

"Well they were and passionately." Padfoot turns to look our across the grass, spotting some girls across the grass probably.

"Hey Prongs, do you remember Evans and Snivellus kissing in Third Year?"

I glower at him.

"Yes."

"Come on, Prongs. Cheer up. I bet I can get Marlene Lightwood to kiss me."

"Two galleons and you're on," I grin because this is the easiest money I've ever made.

I sit back, watching Wormtail pour over his shabby Transfiguration notes. I see Moony and Evans walking our way.

"Hey, Prongs." Moony sits next to me.

"I'm going to find Mar and Alice, see you later?"

"Sure, Lily."

I stare at him, pointedly.

"What? Oh come on, Prongs! She's only my friend."

"Seems cuddly."

"Cuddly? You're ridiculous. Now test me on Defence Against the Dark Arts."

"Why do you even need to study?"

"Not everybody can breeze though exams like you and Padfoot do."

"Merlin's beard, Moony. You're bright; it's Wormtail I'm worried about. He hasn't got a single working cell in his brain."

Moony snorts.

"Where's Padfoot?"

"He and I have a bet. Two galleons that he can't get Marlene Lightwood to kiss him."

"Poor Padfoot, she'll murder him."

Padfoot stumbles over to us with a black eye. I smirk at him and he hands over two galleons.

"She punched me."

"You don't say," Moony bites back a laugh.

"All I said was: 'You're looking hot, want to exchange bodily fluids?' and she punched me. Can you believe it?"

"Yes, seeing as you said _that_, I can definitely believe it." Moony doesn't hold back his laugh this time.

"I'm bored," Padfoot whines.

"You only got punched a minute ago," Moony says amusedly.

"Yeah, can't we find Snivellus? Or Malfoy? Or Avery?"

"Not Snivelly," Moony and I say together.

"Why not?"

"Evans," I say.

"Since when did you do what Evans said?"

"Fine, let's find Avery or some pathetic First year and hex them into oblivion."

I get up and Padfoot follows, Moony looks very uncertain but Wormtail scurries quickly after us.

"What's wrong, Moony?" Padfoot asks incredulously.

"I'm a Prefect."

"So? Make sure we don't get reported."

Padfoot carries on walking and Moony follows reluctantly. He's never liked unprovoked attacks. Evans appears around the corner, I run my hand through my hair.

"Evans."

"Potter," she brushes me aside. "Remus, I'm going to check the new schedule with Professor Dumbledore. Are you coming?"

"Erm, I'm sort of busy now, Lily."

"Doing what?" she eyes me and Padfoot suspiciously. "What did you do to your eye?"

"Marlene," he mumbles.

"So _that's_ what Mar meant when she said she's punched a big-headed wombat. I assumed she meant Potter."

"Hey!" I say indignantly.

She pretends not to notice.

"Anyway, I need to get going –" a boy pushes into her, sending her flying. Luckily, with my Quidditch reflexes, I catch her.

"I've got you," I say. She gets to her feet and pushes me away.

"I don't need your help," she sneers at me.

"Oh really? If you go on a date with me, I'll stop helping you."

"I'd rather snog Wormtail than go on a date with you. No offence," she adds, turning to Wormtail.

"None taken," he says.

"Bye, Evans."

"Bye, Potter."

Padfoot and I watch her go.

"She looks good," Padfoot notes.

"She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen."

"Stop that you two," Moony says.

"Stop what?"

"_That_. It's like you're undressing her with your eyes."

"Oh," I say and avert my gaze to Melanie Clearwater.

"You disgust me," Moony crinkles his nose.

"What?"

"One minute you're lusting after Evans, the next you're drooling over Melanie Clearwater."

"Well, if Evans isn't going to snog me…."

"She'll never do that, she hates you," Padfoot states.

"She will."

"Yeah, I think you have some competition there, Prongs," Moony points to where Evans is standing with Snivellus. She is laughing at something he said.

"I can't take much more of him. Why is Evans friends with him anyway?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's because of him charm, oh wait no, he doesn't have any. What else could it be?" Padfoot fakes a thoughtful expression.

"Excessively good looks?" Moony jokes.

"Intelligence?" Padfoot sniggers.

"His popularity?"

We collapse into laughter.

"No, seriously, I hate Snivellus."

"Who doesn't?" Padfoot looks again to the crowd of girls.

"I don't know. Shall we get to work on the map again?" I say.

"Yeah, I learnt a new secrecy charm," Moony says.

"Really?"

"Yeah, the teacher's pet went into the Restricted Section with me to find it, it allows only certain people to read it. How about we leave it around for Snivelly to see and when he tries to read it, it'll say something hilarious?" Padfoot asks.

"Like: Mr Moony presents his compliments to Snivellus, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." Moony says.

"Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that Snape is an ugly git." I say.

"Mr Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever survived his childhood." Padfoot sniggers.

"Mr Wormtail bids Snivelly a good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slime ball." Wormtail says.

We stare at him in astonishment.

"You came up with your own idea!" Moony's mouth drops open.

"Yeah, I did. Not so much of a brain-dead idiot now," Wormtail says proudly.


	7. Mudbloods, Feelings and Compliments

**A/N: ****First of all, I do not own anything, it is all owned by the superlative J K Rowling. Second of all, thank you for the support with this story words cannot describe it! Third of all, you may have noticed that this is the third chapter I will have uploaded today, this is because I have so much homework to do so I probably won't be able to upload tomorrow and Monday. Finally, I hope you enjoy this chapter- it's a long one!**

* * *

OWL Exam- Defence Against the Dark Arts

James' P.O.V

"Five more minutes," Flitwick's head bobs up from his desk which is piled high with paper.

I close my own paper. Easy. I reread the last question anyway, just to make sure. Yawning, I rile up my hair some more. I turn around and grin at Padfoot. Padfoot's even more laid back than I am; he's lounging in his chair as if he's on holiday or something. I watch Marlene stare at him, with a certain loathing. I nod my head in her general direction, Padfoot shrugs.

I turn to find Moony, he's completely absorbed in the last question. I watch Wormtail, cheating as usual. I pick up my quill and start drawing a Golden Snitch on a spare exam paper. I write her initials – L.E on the Snitch.

Flitwick squeaks that the exam is over and collects all the papers which knock him off of his feet. Flitwick dismisses us and I stuff the spare exam paper in my bag before racing after Padfoot.

"How did you like question ten, Moony?" Padfoot asks as we emerge into the Entrance Hall.

"Loved it," Moony says briskly. "'Give five signs that identify a werewolf.' Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" I mock concern.

"Think I did," Lupin says seriously. We go through the front doors into the grounds. "One: he's sitting in my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name is Remus Lupin."

We all laugh, with the exception of Wormtail.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail but I couldn't think of anything else."

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" I say impatiently. "You run around with a werewolf once a month –"

"Keep your voice down," Moony implores.

We stop walking just opposite the lake.

"Well I thought it was a piece of cake," Padfoot says. "I'll be surprised if I don't get an 'Outstanding' on it at least."

"Me too," I pull out the struggling Golden Snitch from my pocket.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it," I say casually.

I let the Snitch fly just a little bit before catching it. We walk under the shade of a tree. I look over at the lake, Evans is there with her friends and they've taken their shoes and socks off and dipping their feet in the water. The sun shines on Evans' hair, giving her a halo of sorts.

Moony pulls out a book and Padfoot stares at the passers-by. I continue playing with the Snitch, letting it zoom further and further away before grabbing it at the last second. Wormtail applauds every time but it's not his attention I want.

I glance over at Evans again, rumpling my hair.

"Put that away, will you," I make an amazing catch and Wormtail cheers. "Before Wormtail wets himself with excitement."

Wormtail turns pink but I grin at Padfoot.

"If it bothers you," I stuff the Snitch in my pocket.

"I'm bored," Padfoot says. "Wish it was a full-moon."

"You might," Moony says darkly. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored, you can test me. Here…"

Moony holds out his book and Padfoot snorts.

"I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all."

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," I say quietly. "Look who it is…"

Padfoot's head turns, he sniffs the air, never quite getting out of his dog-like habits.

"Excellent," he says softly, "Snivellus."

I watch Snivellus walk across the shadows of the bushes like the little creep he is. Padfoot and I stand up but Wormtail and Moony stay seated. Moony stares at his book, burning holes through it with his eyes. Wormtail looks between all of our faces with a look of great anticipation.

"All right, Snivellus?" I ask loudly.

The pathetic worm reacts fast, dropping his bag and grabbing his wand from inside his robes. He almost had his wand out half-way through the air.

"_Expelliarmus!_" Snivelly's wand flies 12 feet in the air and falls with a thud on the grass. Padfoot barks out a laugh.

"_Impedimenta!_" Padfoot yells at Snivelly who gets knocked off his feet. Students start to gather round. Perfect.

Snivelly lies on the ground panting while Padfoot and I advance, wand out. I quickly glance at the water's edge to Evans before turning my attention to the sorry excuse for a human in front of me.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" I ask.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Padfoot jabs viciously. "They'll be grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Several students laugh. Wormtail sniggers shrilly. Snivellus struggles under my jinx.

"You – wait," Snivelly pants, he looks at me with a mutual sense of repugnance. "You –wait!"

"Wait for what? What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?" Padfoot says contemptuously.

Snivellus screams out a whole stream of swear words and hexes.

"Wash out your mouth! _Scourgify!_"

Pink soap bubbles pour out of Snivellus' mouth, making him gag. Padfoot laughs sadistically, an uncanny likeness to that of his _charming_ cousin Bellatrix's laugh.

"Leave him ALONE!"

I whip around, I move my hand to my hair. Evans looks so beautiful when she's angry.

"All right Evans?" I ask her, smiling broadly.

"Leave him alone," she repeats. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," I say, "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"

Padfoot and Wormtail laugh but Moony, who's still reading and Lily don't.

"You think you're funny. But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone_."

"I will, if you go out with me," I watch her face. "Go on, go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and a giant squid."

"Bad luck, Prongs," Padfoot says, turning back to Snivellus.

"OI!" Padfoot shouts, suddenly.

I feel a stab of pain, a massive slash appears on my face splatters my robes with blood. I whirl around, sending Snivellus up-side down from his ankle. His robes fall over his head, revealing his grey boxers. I look at Evans, her mouth almost twitches into a smile.

"Let him down!"

"Certainly," I let Snivellus fall into a crumpled heap.

Padfoot shouts '_Petrificus Totalus_' and Snivellus keels over.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Evans takes out her own wand, Padfoot and I watch it wearily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," I say.

"Take the curse off him then!"

I take off the curse.

"There you go," I tell him. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus –"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Evans blinks slowly.

"Fine, I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants, if I were you, _Snivellus_."

"Apologise to Evans!" I roar at him. How dare he insult my future girlfriend, I point my wand at him threateningly.

"I don't want _you_ to make him apologise. You're just as bad as he is."

"What? I'd NEVER call you a – you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can – I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with your fat head on it, You make me SICK."

She turns on her heel and hurries away. Is she crying?

"Evans! Hey, EVANS!"

She doesn't look back.

"What is it with her?" I try to make the question casual.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited mate." Padfoot says.

"Right."

How could she think that? How could I let her think that?

* * *

THAT EVENING

LILY'S P.O.V

I've been sobbing since I got back to Gryffindor Tower. I'd never thought that Sev, sorry _Snivellus_, would call me the m-word. I thought he was different, I thought he was my friend. I trusted him with everything I had and I depended on him for such a long time. At Spinner's End, he was my only refuge. I valued our relationship higher than I valued the relationship I have with Mar and Alice. Suddenly, I can see how stupid and unobservant I've been. Sev's changed and I suppose I have too and we keep trying to live in our old shells but we're different people. Hogwarts has changed us and I don't think we can be friends anymore.

As for Potter, I hate him most of all. In a way, it's a good thing he provoked Snivellus otherwise I may not have realised how much he has changed but even so, Potter's a complete idiot. I'm lying on my bed and I haven't talked to anybody in hours.

Alice enters our dormitory.

"Lily! Snivellus is outside! He says he refuses to move until you come out! He's says he's going to sleep there all night unless you come out and see him."

"Hasn't anyone told him to fuck off?"

"Of course, be he's still there."

I groan and get off my bed, stalk down the stairs, push people away from the portrait hole and step outside the tower.

"What are you doing here?"

"Look, Lily, I am so sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I really am sorry, I didn't mean to call you a –"

"Mudblood? You call every one of my blood heritage a Mudblood, why should I be any different?"

"Lily, you're my best friend and I didn't mean what I said. Potter, " he spits, "made me angry and confused. I didn't mean –"

"Save it, Severus. Save it for your Death Eater friends because I'm not putting up with your shit anymore."

"Lily," he sounds desperate, "do you know what will happen when I go back to Slytherin house? They'll kill me for coming here but it's worth it Lily. I need you, Lily. I won't be able to cope if you're not my friend at Spinner's End."

"Don't do that, Sev. Please don't guilt trip me. I can't handle it, not anymore. I've done this too long and it's exhausting."

I slam the portrait door in his face. As soon as his face is obscured from view, I collapse into sobs. Even though I ended the friendship, I can't help the tears. It's hard losing a best friend and its hard keeping yourself together. Merlin, why do I keep crying? It's getting pathetic.

Even though I know everybody has left the common room, I feel a presence behind me.

"All right, Evans?" Potter. Just great.

"I'm _fine_, Potter," I wipe my eyes quickly, and breathe.

"No, you're not, Evans. Even I can tell that with my, what was it? Fat head?"

I splutter out a laugh in spite of myself.

"I really hate you, Potter," I wipe my eyes again but more tears fall.

"Well, I don't hate you."

"Are you sure about that? You've been nothing but a pain for the last five years."

"No, I haven't."

"Yes, you have. Didn't you listen to anything I said earlier?"

"I listen to everything you say, Evans."

"Right, that doesn't sound creepy at all," I mumble into my sleeve.

"I know that you're upset because Snivellus is a twat but I shouldn't have egged him on, I suppose. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't feel comfortable talking to you, Potter."

"Maybe we should rectify that. I'm not a bad person," Potter says.

"Well, I've been friends with Sev for so many years and now he's sort of left me. Not that you'd understand."

"I'd never leave you."

"Careful, Potter, someone might think you fancy me or something."

"You know, I would hug you at this point, but I'm slightly terrified that you might gouge my eyes out."

I smile. "Thanks Potter. You're not quite as a big of a charlatan as we all thought."

"I'm touched, good-night Evans."

"Good-night, Potter."

I walk upstairs to my bed, mentally cursing myself for complimenting Potter.


	8. An Impossible Situation

**A/N: ****I don't own anything, it all belongs to the simply magical J K Rowling. Here is Chapter 8!**

* * *

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL BEFORE THE SUMMER HOLIDAY - BEFORE SIXTH YEAR

Lily's P.O.V

* * *

Marlene, Alice and I push forward to find our usual compartment on the train. The journey back from Hogwarts is always depressingly nostalgic. Although having said that, it is odd to think that I only have two years left at Hogwarts, I honestly don't know where the time goes.

Marlene is eager to get on the train, like most students, she is anticipating the holidays with great zest. Alice, on the other hand, is like me – dreading the next miserable six weeks spent with insufferable family members and instead of looking forward to our time spent at home, we count down the miserable days until we see our friends.

Marlene has never understood why Alice and I look forward to school so much but, if she'd met my sister and her pitiful excuse for a boyfriend Vernon, then I'm sure she would agree with me.

"Come on, Alice. You look so depressed! You can't be sad _now_; it's the bloody holidays for Merlin's sake! No more essays, no more joint classes with the Slytherins, no more tedious Potions classes, we're _free_!"

Marlene dances up the corridor and into our compartment.

"I know what I'm doing this holiday, Dad decided we'd all stay at the _Potters_," she pulls a face, "but Mum says she wants us to go to the_ Longbottoms._ My ex will be there and so will his new girlfriend, my brother said we'd go to both. Not only will I have to put up with Sirius and James' immature behaviour but also watch my heart be shattered right in front of me as my ex and his girlfriend display their attraction before my very eyes."

Despite Mar's complaints, I know she'll have a great time. She always does, she comes back with pictures of her family and the friends she's been staying with and she's always wearing her smile. It's not a fake smile, it's Mar's genuine I-love-it-here-and-wouldn't-want-to-be-anywhere-else-right-now smile.

"What about you, Lil?"

"Petunia's bringing her delightfully charismatic boyfriend to stay, Mum's trying to teach me knitting again so watch out for your Christmas presents next year, Dad's taking me to this old car convention and my Aunt May has the nerve to get engaged, so we're going to the bridal shower. Luckily, I'm at school when the wedding takes place so they can't put me in a dress. I honestly can't wait for it all to be over."

"It can't be that bad," Mar frowns. Alice snorts.

"Have you met Petunia?"

"No."

"Count yourself lucky, I had the pleasure of meeting her at the train station once. Never have I seen such a prejudiced Muggle, I swear half the things she said were insults. It's like she thinks she's better than Magical people, which is utterly ridiculous."

"Other than your invidious sister, what else could be bad? You've managed the last years pretty well."

"I had Sev as my friend then," I reply wearily.

The whole thought process of a life without Sev is not only befuddling but emotionally exhausting.

"You don't need Sev; you've got me and Alice."

"You're not going to be around much, Mar."

"No," Mar sighs, defeated, "but next year, next year we'll all do something together."

* * *

Alice sits in uninterrupted silence, spacey and unaware of our conversation.

"Alice?" Mar snaps her fingers impatiently. "ALICE!"

Alice stirs abruptly and scowls at Mar.

"I heard you," she snaps.

"Good, what are you doing this summer? In fact, forget that. Why are you being such a fucking misanthropist?"

"I'm not being a misanthropist, you're highly over-exaggerating. I just hate people at the moment."

"See? There it is again! You've been nothing but a miserable bitch in the last week; care to tell us what the fuck is wrong? We are you your bloody friends and don't tell me you're PMS-ing because we all know that was last week."

"If you're my friends, I wish you'd do a better job at it. My friends would have noticed by now."

"That was out of order, we're your friends not effing mind readers. We don't know what the hell is wrong unless you use what evolution gave you – your bloody mouth."

"It's Amos, okay? We had a bit of a fight and I said some stuff and he said some stuff and he was shouting…" Alice's eyes tear up and her body shakes violently.

"Hang on, go back a bit. Explain the fight," Mar says soothingly, sitting next to Alice and putting her arm around her, I sit on Alice's other side and give her a tissue.

"Well, I caught him snogging Dorcas Meadowes on the second floor. He saw me and of course pushed Dorcas away, Dorcas was really confused and he told her he'd sort it out with her later and came to find me. He said that it wasn't what it looked like and I got really upset. He didn't understand why I was upset; he said that he was sorry and that everybody makes mistakes. I told him that while I didn't disagree with his logic, I wasn't going to be one of his mistakes. I asked him how long it had been going on, he told me three weeks. We'd only been going out five weeks and I asked why he'd carried on and he said it was because I didn't concentrate on the physical side of the relationship and Dorcas was prepared to go further than I was. Not _all_ the way, I don't think, but you know.

I said that he was ridiculous and that loads of girls aren't ready for that sort of relationship at 16 and I'm still 15 so it's not even legal. He said that if I wasn't ready, I should have told him and I said what good would that do? 'Cause he still snogged Dorcas. He got angry and said that that wasn't the sort of guy he was, that he was a good person. I asked why he did that, because he knows it would upset me. He knew and he still did it and he said that he wants not just an emotional relationship but wants to progress further. I said that I wasn't ready, but I guess he was so he said that I either started getting into that kind of thing or left.

Then I started crying harder and he shouted that he couldn't do this any longer and he said if I told anyone he'd cheated, he would hurt me or whatever. I guess he doesn't want people to think he's anything but sweet and sometimes he'll smile at me in the corridors but then frown at me and he'll watch me all the time and technically we're still together because he doesn't want the break up to look abrupt, but sort of like we casually drifted apart."

"What a _twat_."

"What a completely narcissistic, ignorant, devious, malicious, meticulous, disgusting, slippery, wormy _bastard_," Marlene scowls, her fists bunching up.

Alice laughs and I smirk, Mar has a habit of over-emphasising her point. Black pokes his head around the door.

"Hey," he says weakly, clearly having heard everything we've said.

"Get out," Mar's eyebrows knot together.

"What?" Black splutters.

"Don't you know _anything_ about girls? Out."

"Why?"

"And you wonder why girls don't want to kiss you," Mar sighs. "Alice has just been hurt, she wants privacy, she doesn't need the added embarrassment of you knowing about her private life and telling your friends. It's none of your business. She's grieving and needs alone time with people she trusts."

Mar stands up, her face red and angry. Black hesitates. Mar sends a stinging hex at his foot. Black yelps.

"Message understood," he exits sharply.

* * *

LAST WEEK OF THE HOLIDAYS

* * *

I pour myself a mug of tea and sit at the table with the Daily Prophet and Witch Weekly. Tuney's not up yet, thank God. I sigh as the hot steam rises from my mug and into my face.

Dad enters the room, with his black coffee and morning paper. He grunts a hello to me before starting on the Muggle task of making porridge. Tuney bounds down the stairs, clearly having had a good night. She comes in positively beaming and sees me – her face falls. She looks at the moving pictures in my paper and frowns disapprovingly. She whispers "freak" to me as she passes.

I roll my eyes; the insult is getting just about as old as "Mudblood". Tuney's been nothing but a bitch all holiday, calling me names, throwing me dirty looks, telling the neighbours about my so-called 'disability' and my school for mad people. My mood instantly lifts when I see Marlene's snowy owl. I run to the back yard to untie the letter.

_Dear Lil,_

_Hey darling! Hope Petunia's not be an intolerable pain in the ass and that this Vernon is not as pompous as he sounds. Anyways, here's just to give you a head's up, can you floo to my house in about five hours? Bring your suitcase and stuff, you and Alice are staying at mine for the last week of the holidays! We don't have to go to the Longbottoms' humble abode after all! Happy times, right? I would say RSVP ASAP, but I know you're not doing anything and my mother already telephone communicated your mother so I know that it's okay. I can't believe we have a telephone, I was always under the impression it worked like a television so I tried looking into it and my mother just laughed. See ya later, Lil,_

_Marlene_

_X_

I smile at her letter and shout at my Dad to say I'm leaving in five hours. This next week is going to be fantastic.

* * *

AT LIGHTWOOD MANSION

* * *

I'm having a great time with Alice and Mar but no so much with the guests she failed to mention. Her parents, as kind and as polite as they are, have no idea what they've got themselves in for inviting Potter and Black to stay.

A fun fact about Potter and Black, they live together. Apparently, Black's having home issues and I don't blame him. Imagine having Bellatrix and Narcissa as your cousins. Which was nice of the Potters, I suppose.

Right now, I'm in Mar's room, lying on my mattress.

"Wake up, Evans! Wake up! Everybody else is up! Come on Evans!" Potter shouts through the door.

I groan, he's been doing this for the past three days – every morning at 6 am.

"If you don't come out in three minutes, I'm coming in."

I pull the covers over my head; I've never been a mornings person. Potter barges in.

"So _lazy_, Evans."

"It's the bloody holidays; I'm allowed to be lazy."

"Not today, our letters arrive today, in case you'd forgotten."

I bury my head in my pillow as he draws the curtains with a flick of his wand. He then makes my duvet disappear, luckily I wear pyjamas. I curl into a ball.

"Evans, get up. Don't make me hex you," he taunts; I remember the last time he told me that, when Sev called me a Mudblood.

"Piss off, Potter."

I then feel a wave of icy cold water. Potter had cast a bucket of water and chucked it over me. I jump up, grab my dressing gown and grab my wand.

"You're going to pay for that, _Potter._"

Potter smirks and I chase him down the stairs, shooting hexes at him every chance I get. He races all around the second floor before heading to the first floor. I chase him through the dining room where everybody is eating and into the Lightwood garden which is more like a meadow judging by its size.

I get Potter with a Jelly-legs jinx and he falls to the floor. He can't stop laughing and I magic away the dampness from my clothes but can't quite seem to get it out of my hair. I take the jinx off and scowl at him.

"Is that all you got, Evans?" he smirks.

We duel for a while until I get him with a cold bucket of ice water and he chases me around the field. We have to stop eventually because we can't run anymore and we collapse on the grass.

I'm the first to get up, Potter casts an _Expelliarmus_ but it's half-hearted because he's laughing so hard and I only stumble back a little, I shoot him a half-hearted body-binding hex and he falls over again. I enter the dining room.

"Care to tell us what that's about?" Mar asks, giving Alice a look.

"Potter woke me up with a bucket of cold water," I say bitterly.

Black laughs but Mr and Mrs Lightwood frown. I collapse into a chair, Potter falls into the one next to Black. Mr and Mrs Lightwood give Potter a disapproving look.

"What?" he says.

"You know full well what, is that any way to treat a lady? Is it James? You can't throw a bucket of cold water on people in the mornings. We promised your parents that we wouldn't let anything get out of hand."

"To be fair, she got me back pretty good."

"That is not the point," Mrs Lightwood sighs, taking her plate into the kitchen.

Just at that moment, several owls arrive with letters and drop the in front of the corresponding person. I open mine up, OWL results. I got all Outstandings and then a letter about school supplies. I smile and look at Mar and Alice's letters.

"What d'you get?" Mar asks.

"All Outstandings," I say.

"Funny, Prongs got the same…" Black smirks and Potter smirks with him.

Christ, how could I forget? We had a bet on this, didn't we? Potter and I, I said that if he got all Outstandings and Exceeds Expectation that I'd kiss him….

This would be a long day.


	9. The Start of Something Extraordinary

**A/N: Once again, I don't own anything, all credit goes to J K Rowling. I'm sorry, this chapter won't be of great standard but I had a few ideas and I needed to upload, so... *shrug* here it is. Please don't hate me, I promise the quality will be better in future.**

* * *

A COUPLE OF VERY LONG SECONDS LATER

* * *

Inside my head, I'm cursing my Gryffindor honour. Why did I ever agree to this? I do not want to kiss Potter. Besides, I've had enough of kissing since _*shudder*_ Severus kissed me.

"Lily? Are you okay?"

"What? Yeah," I shake my head, ridding myself of my thoughts.

"Looks like I won the bet, Evans."

"It certainly seems so," I gulp.

Black can't contain his obvious amusement.

"You have to snog Prongs! Prongs and Evans sitting on a broomstick! How does it go again, Prongsy?"

"I have no idea you crazy excuse for a best friend."

"I'm sure it went on about licking and Quidditch, do you really not remember it? I'm sure we used to sing it or maybe I read on an Exploding Joke box. I really don't know. Prongs and Evans sitting on a broomstick, flying something somewhere, something about kissing and then falling off…"

"He's mad," I say to Mar.

We sit in silence and then Alice, Mar and I go upstairs to get dressed. On the way upstairs, Mar and Alice won't shut up about me having to kiss Potter and Potter fancying me and despite my constant rejections to their statements, they carry on regardless.

"I don't know why you're upset, it's not like James is bad looking and I bet he's loads better at snogging than Snivellus. This is probably a good thing, imagine if you never kissed anyone because of a bad first experience."

"Lots of people don't so things if they've had a bad first experience," I frown at Mar.

"Really? Like what?"

"Paragliding, flying, dying…"

"You're not going to die more than once, Lil."

"Maybe not but it's still a good example. How can I get out of it?"

"How about if I kiss Sirius and then it will all be less awkward?"

"If you want to snog Black, I don't think you'd need a reason."

"Oooh! So you think he's hot?"

"That's not what I meant. I meant that if you want to snog someone, then you shouldn't need a reason like me. I don't want to be the reason that you two exchanged saliva."

"Good, because he's taken. You know Lily, you have a habit of making wonderful and amazing things sound disgusting."

"I'm not a romantic, I can't help it."

When we're ready we head off to Diagon Alley, the boys keep sniggering and wandering off so in the end, we leave them to it.

* * *

9 PM – THE LIGHTWOOD MANSION

* * *

We've only got tonight before we get on the train tomorrow so Mrs Lightwood (damn her hospitality!) invited Remus and Peter to stay as well which is great for them but it means that all of the Marauders are back together which is not so great for us. Marlene, Alice and I have retreated slowly back to our room hearing the occasional THUD or BANG from downstairs followed by Mrs Lightwood's rage.

I smile a little to myself; it's easy to forget Tuney and our painful separation when the Marauders are being normal. Normality is bliss at the moment.

"Do you think James has told the others about you having to snog him?" Marlene says suddenly.

"I'm sure he has," I say. I can feel my insides squirming.

"The important question is, do you want to kiss him?" Marlene smirks, giving me a curious look.

"I don't!" I say exasperatedly.

"Oh, come on! I don't believe that. He's been staring at you since fourth year or something!"

"He's an absolute prick," I say, already tired of the conversation.

"No he's not, not much anymore. Trust me; the Marauders are funnier now, less mean."

"Just because you're snogging Black."

"Actually, Sirius is no longer a Black," Marlene counters.

"What?"

"You know how he and James are very brotherly? Well, he moved out of his house when he was sixteen and James' parents took him in, which is real nice, isn't it? He told me his parents burnt him off the family tree."

"Oh," I say.

I honestly don't what to say, I don't want to pity him. His family are a load of dicks, but it's got to hurt to be abandoned by your family. I may not like Tuney but the words she says still hurt. I suppose I understand Black, sorry, Sirius more than I thought.

"Anyway, who I'm snogging is none of your business."

"Really? You always seemed to relish telling us who you were exchanging bacteria with."

"Ew, Lily. You almost make kissing sound repulsive. I assure you, most boys can kiss better than Snivellus."

My heart twinges, another clear reminder of the friend I've lost. First Tuney then Severus, how many more people am I going to lose? Mar notices me wincing and throws a helpless look my way.

"I'm going to go –" I get up before the tears fall.

I notice Alice gives Marlene a dirty look.

"What was I supposed to say? I thought she was over it..." I hear Mar hiss.

I run out to the garden, the tears streaming down my face. I feel all the memories of Tuney and Sev come back to me. All those smiles, all those jokes, all those moments of happiness… Then I remember all the arguments, all the shouting and all the painful times and betrayal. It wasn't particularly difficult to see them go, not like some people, but even though my pain is nothing compared to others, it still hurts.

I lie on my back and look up to the stars. Tuney and I watched the stars. For hours on end, we'd look up and make up our own constellations. I miss having the unconditional love of a sister. The light from the stars seem to shine on my tears, like the light would shine on the sea. Now I'm babbling in my head. Shut up. If only my thoughts would stop, I'd make life so much easier for myself.

"Lily?"

I don't respond. Whoever it is doesn't need to know that I'm upset. I'd only have to explain it and that's the last thing I want to do.

The figure lies down beside me and says nothing but they don't have to. Their presence is all I need. After a while, the figure grasps my hand and squeezes it. I turn to face them. Remus smiles back at me, he has always been kind to me, supportive too.

"It's all a bit much, with Tuney and Sev…"

"You don't need to explain your emotions, Lily."

I am grateful; Remus is one of those people that you need in times such as this. We sit up, slowly and talk like old times and I find myself wondering why I ever bothered with all the tears about Tuney and Sev, anyway.

"…You know, Prongs is very excited about winning his bet."

"I can imagine," I sigh.

"Don't worry, Prongs isn't as much of, how do you put it?"

"An arrogant toerag?"

"Exactly, he's not much of an arrogant toerag anymore. Don't take my word on it; he's still arrogant just not as much."

"I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts."

"Me neither, it's all too tense being here. Padfoot's been disowned, Wormtail's all anxious about this Dark Magic and Prongs won't stop jinxing people in the street. It's easier at Hogwarts when they wreak havoc in a controlled environment."

Remus heads off inside and I wait for a while. I hear voices and Potter comes out of the house and sits next to me.

"All right, Evans?"

"Fine," I mutter.

"So, I won the bet. You know what that means…" he leans in close to me but I push him away.

I get to my feet.

"Evans, we had a deal."

"Yeah, I know."

"Well, then. We shouldn't be wasting time," he closes the gap between us.

"I tell you what, if you can beat me to that tree, then I won't jinx you after, you know, after we..."

"Kiss? You'll never beat me, Evans. I play Quidditch."

"What a coincidence," I say dryly.

"You play too?" he looks at me.

"Yes, of course I do. Are you running or not?"

"Fine, but don't blame me when you lose…"

We sprint to the tree at the end of the garden, me tripping him up, him tackling me to the floor. He pulls me up from the floor and hugs me into him. His lips are on mine before my mouth can protest and even though I know I should stop, I sort of like it. I can feel every cell in my body vibrating with quivers. My mouth is on fire and my heart explodes. His hand go around my waist and my hands find his neck.

He kisses me deeper, more passionately. I suppose I lied when I said I didn't fancy him. I do, but I don't want to like him. He's still arrogant, he still bullies people, he still teases me in a mean sort of way. Eventually, I sum up all my hatred toward him and push away. I don't have anything smart or clever to say, so I walk away quickly before he mentions my hesitation before pulling away.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Fine, but don't blame me when you lose…"

I begin to sprint, she's fast. Admirably so, but I'm faster. She attempts to trip me up several times, never quite succeeding. I push her to the grass and she laughs uncontrollably. I take my chance, pull her up from the ground and hold her close to me before pressing my lips onto hers.

Strangely, she doesn't pull away and I know that I've waited so long for this and it feels amazing. It's a strange feeling of ecstasy, like floating on air. Her eyes open and she pushes me away, I frown. Why would she do that? She starts walking away but I don't tell her to come back because LILY EVANS KISSED ME and Padfoot owes me ten galleons.


	10. The Matter of Hatred

**A/N:**** the usual disclaimer, I do not own anything, it all belongs entirely to J K Rowling. Thank you for reviewing, following, favorite-ing and reading! I hope you enjoy this chapter, brace yourselves for a lot of insults.**

* * *

THE NEXT DAY- LAST

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I roll out of bed at 6 am on the dot. Hogwarts today! This will be my sixth year and the start of studying for NEWTS. I stumble dizzily around Mar's room and throw my stuff into my case, get dressed and lug myself and the case down the two extra sets of stairs for breakfast.

Sirius, Mar and Alice and Remus are the only ones awake. All of them look a little drowsy but Sirius perks up when he sees me.

"Oi, Evans! Care to tell us what made Prongs so happy last night?" Sirius smirks to Remus.

"Good morning to you, too."

"So? We're dying to hear what happened! You didn't tell us _anything_ yesterday," Alice leans forward eagerly.

"Didn't Potter tell you?" I ask Sirius.

"No! He refused to say anything, just came in with a soppy grin on his face."

"Oh, well he won the bet," I sit down awkwardly.

At that moment, Potter appears in the door way. He is indeed wearing a soppy grin.

"Morning all and Evans," he says cheerily.

"_Anyway_, he won the bet and then what, any details?" Mar says ignoring Potter's sudden appearance.

"Nothing _happened_. He won the bet, he kissed me. End of story," I feel guilty telling the lie and I see Mar and Alice's faces droop.

I get up to walk out. I get to the bottom of the first set of stairs and then somebody grabs my wrist. I turn and see Potter standing there.

"Let go of me, Potter."

He releases me almost instantly.

"Did it really mean nothing to you?" he asks.

"What?"

"The kiss," he says impatiently. "I was under the assumption that you liked it –"

"Well, you assumed wrong."

"So, we're not –"

"We never have been and never will be anything."

"You don't mean that, Evans."

"Bite me, Potter. I'd still take the giant squid over you."

I leave quickly before I say anything else I'll regret. I feel tears spark in my eyes but I blink them away. It's only Potter. The boy who teases and makes fun of you, the boy who bullies first years, the boy that hexes your ex-best-friend. You don't care about him. Not at all.

* * *

FOUR WEEKS LATER

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Things with James have gotten worse. His teasing is more mean than it is flirtatious, his comments have a bitterness rather than a light humour, his arrogance has grown twice as much and he's in non-stop trouble bullying first years and hexing people that do so much as look at him wrong. It's easy to forget that kiss when I can hate him as easily as I used to. Yet, some part of me doesn't fully despise him. Maybe Mar's right, maybe I am mad.

I sit in the library, I always read when I'm upset or angry – it helps me forget everything that's on my mind. This time, Potter and I had another argument and his words got to me more than they should have. He didn't call me a slut but he implied it, the same way as he implied that I was stupid and the same way he implied that I wasn't good enough to be here. His words send a blunt cut to me every time, they don't bleed very much but sometimes I get to many cuts in the same place and it hurts.

"Lily, I know you're upset but you need –" Remus appears opposite me.

"Why would you possibly think I was upset?" I say sarcastically.

"Come on, Lily. I didn't know he was going to say that."

"You didn't exactly stop him either."

"I can't control everything he says."

"No, but you could stick on my side."

"There aren't any sides."

"Right," I say exasperatedly. Remus never could stand up to the Marauders. "What do I _need_ to do this time?"

"Apologise to James."

"_Me,_ apologise to _him_. What did I do?"

"You said stuff as well, it takes two to have an argument."

"I'm not apologising until he apologises for being an insufferable git."

"Lily, please? It's really hard on us when you two fight."

"You think I _like_ being insulted? You think I _like_ my purity being insulted? You think I _like_ my honour insulted? Do you think –?"

"You've made your point and no, he doesn't have any right to question a woman's chaste."

"So why am I apologising? He's being a sexist bastard."

"I know, but you said some hurtful stuff as well."

"It's nothing he hasn't heard before! He knows he's a bully and that he's a conceited, self-righteous and ignorant."

"Believe it or not, but James has feelings too. Imagine if he said those things to you."

I frown.

"I'd like him to imagine being called a slut."

"He didn't call you that."

"Yes, but we all knew he would have done if _Frank Longbottom_ hadn't shut him up!"

"We wouldn't have let him –"

"Oh really? You didn't seem to be doing much but standing beside him while I got verbally attacked."

"It was an argument, not an assault."

"You console yourself with that, Remus. Sometimes I wonder where your moral judgement is."

He looks torn but I ignore it, snap my book shut and storm out of the library. People stare but I don't let it bother me. _Apologise to Potter,_ now there's something I haven't heard before. I almost laugh.

* * *

SLUGHORN'S CHRISTMAS PARTY

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"Are you sure you're going to be okay, Lil?" Mar looks at me concernedly as she links arms with a cute Ravenclaw boy outside the Great Hall.

"Yes, it will be nice having the Common Room to myself for once. I might even get some work done."

"I don't want you to be on your own, though. Besides, what am I telling Slughorn?"

"Just tell him that I'm ill."

"Right you are, see you later, Lil."

"Don't get too drunk!" I call after and she laughs a response something like 'I will!'

I turn around to head back to Gryffindor Tower and come face-to-face with Potter. I scowl at him and walk away, quickly. I've been doing a lot of walking away recently.

"Wait up, Evans."

"Why? So you can insult me some more?" I carry on speed walking.

"You make me sound like a complete idiot."

"It doesn't take skill to make you sound like an idiot, you've been doing it for the last six years by yourself."

"Witty, Evans. I just wanted to talk, you know, like we used to."

"We never used to talk. I've always hated you because you're an insolent, disrespectful –"

"I'm not disrespectful."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm really not. Aren't you going to Slughorn's party this year?"

"I didn't want to go on my own and I didn't want people thinking I was a slut if I did go with someone –"

"You're not a slut, Evans."

"You've changed your tune, yesterday you told me that I was a dirty, stupid slag."

"No, I didn't!" he yelps.

"Something along those lines," I wave my hand dismissively. "You implied them and implying them is just as bad as actually saying them. Some girls have feelings, you know."

"I can be a gentleman, let me show you –"

"Oh I see, you're only being nice to me because you don't have a date and are sexually frustrated."

"I _do_ have a date, her name's Lisa? Eliza? Lillian? Lauren?"

"_Lucy_. Her name is Lucy. So you _do_ want two girls at once."

"You're so full of it, Evans. As if I'd want to kiss you _and _Lea."

"_Lucy_. Have you really been with so many girls that you can't remember their names?"

"Now you're making me sound like a player."

"You _are_ a player. Weren't you going out with Rachel when I caught you kissing Vera?"

"Sh! That was a mistake. Besides, Rachel was kissing Ferdinand anyway."

"What about the other time when you were kissing Helena when you were going out with Thalia?"

"How did you _know_ about that?"

"I caught you in Flitwick's classroom on Prefect patrols. I did shout at you."

"You shout at me so often, I can't even remember," then he smirks widely. "In fact, you shout so often, people passing by think that –"

"Don't even. I'm not in the mood for innuendos."

"_Fine_. What do you want to do?"

"I don't want to do anything, I still hate you. You're an inconsiderate player."

"I'm not saying you're wrong," I smirk triumphantly, "but I can be a nice person."

"I highly doubt that."

"What is your problem, Evans? Do you want me to be mean to you? Does your big bad sister not love you? Is that the problem?"

My body swells up with anger.

"Don't you _dare_."

"Dare what? Is little Evansie missing her best fwend Snivellus, too?" he says, patronisingly.

"Shut up! You have no right to say things like that."

"It's called freedom of speech, Evans. I don't expect you've heard of it, what with ickle Snivelly protecting you from everything. Where is Snivelly now, Evans?"

"Piss off! It's none of your business and I've moved on from that. No thanks to you."

"I think you'll find it's all thanks to me. That piece of shit deserves everything he gets."

"You're not law, court and order, Potter."

"Evans, you're insults aren't as good anymore. Come on, give me your best."

"I'm not bothering with you, Potter, I don't need to insult you; nature's already done that for me."

"Mature, Evans."

"You started it and who are you to call me immature?"

"What does that mean?"

"Exactly what I said! You're an immature, arrogant toerag who swaggers around the place, kissing girls, insulting first years, getting into trouble and relying on Remus to get you out. You're so incapable and blind! Remus saves your neck more than he cares to admit."

"Maybe you don't understand the concept of _friends_, Evans. We help each other out, not that you would know."

"What does that mean?"

"I wouldn't be friends with you, you're too needy, and always getting your feelings hurt, somebody's always got to protect you –"

"I'm perfect capable of looking after myself, I don't _ask_ people to help me!"

"Are you sure, it's always something with you, isn't it? You're always so defensive and when people get through to you, you _lie_. Remember last summer?"

"I did what I did, I'm not the only one who makes mistakes."

"There you go again, why do you have to be such a BITCH?"

I feel my whole body zone out.

All I can hear is Potter saying: _why do you have to be such a bitch? Why do you have to be such a bitch? Why do you have to be such a bitch? Why do you have to be such a bitch?_

Then there is darkness.


	11. An Epiphany of the Soul

**A/N: Sorry, I forgot to add the author's note! I don't own anything, the ideas, characters, concept, etc. all belongs to the enchanting J K Rowling. Thank you so much for the support and reviews! Thank you so much to lilly flower forever for reviewing almost every chapter and to everybody who read and reviewed, followed, favourite-ed and all that good stuff. May you have a happy future!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

Evans has been so _irritating_ recently. It's not the playful banter I'm used to; she keeps retaliating with something harsher than what I said to her. We're like nuclear atoms, we can't be within two meters of each other without something setting off. She brings out all the anger and passion inside me. Sometimes that's a good thing, but most of the time as of late, it's not.

"I did what I did, I'm not the only one who makes mistakes."

"There you go again, why do you have to be such a BITCH?"

I watch her eyes, trying to detect anything unusual, there's anger, hurt, hatred and now, shock. I feel it too. The minute I said 'bitch', I felt something stir. It's quite hard to explain, it was like a sudden flash of lightening, a striking realisation. I realised something, I'm not sure if she did, but I realised that I didn't hate her. Not anymore. We're both taking out our anger on each other because that's easier than having to sort out the real problem.

Quidditch hasn't been going so well, everybody's a bit distracted, myself (unfortunately) included. We all know we're on the verge of a war, we're all trying to stick up for ourselves and stop anyone getting killed. Sometimes our fights with the Slytherins get out of control. As for Evans, everyday she comes back to the Common Room with a new cut on her face, or a bruise on her wrist, or shaking. She refuses to tell anyone what actually happened – it was 'just a trip' or 'I just fell'.

My guess is that she keeps getting ambushed by Slytherins the same way all Muggle-Borns are being ambushed. Evans won't let us help, she's too proud and I suppose she doesn't want the Slytherins to think that she needs Purebloods to protect her. I was fine with that, after all, she and I were fighting and my hatred toward her was greater than my love. Dumbledore would not be impressed by that, he's always saying that we should love not hate, love is the greatest weapon, love will conquer all, etc.

The odd things is, I sort of understand where he's coming from. That stir in the ground, that tremble of the Earth, it felt like something more than an earthquake. Now, I feel like an absolute git for not standing up for her sooner, letting her get hurt when I could so easily stop it. I stop loads of other Muggle-Borns' suffering, why shouldn't I stop hers? Why did I walk on by whilst Bellatrix was tormenting her? Why did I walk away when Mulciber was calling her a dirty Mudblood? Why didn't I stop all that?

At the time, I found it amusing. Here was Gryffindor's star student, struggling for survival at the mercy of a Malfoy. It was hilarious. It's not anymore, not in the slightest. I regret the last few months. If she hadn't lied about that kiss, well, maybe she wouldn't be lying on the ground, lifeless.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I fall back, there was some sort of shake in the ground. I felt a sudden rush of emotion. I don't hate James Potter!

These past few months, they've been hard for everyone. I was angry, that I couldn't stop the Slytherins from hexing from me, that I couldn't stop Amos hurting Alice emotionally, that I couldn't cope with all the lessons I've got, that I couldn't find the time to do Prefect Patrols, homework, sleep and socialising all in 24 hours. So, I got rid of my frustration with something familiar, something which kept me sane, hating Potter. It was so easy, so normal, it actually felt _good_.

Except, it wasn't the hatred I missed, it was his playful teasing, his light-hearted humour, his and the Marauders jokes and pranks which made me laugh. Instead, it ended up spiralling out of control, the humour turned serious, the insults became true, and the words had meaning. We both hated it and we both got hurt.

Remus was right, I was being horrible, worse than horrible. I was being a person that I detested to be, I was being everything I hated in other human beings. The living form of ugly. I wish I could take it all back, go back in time to last summer and set things right. If I could, I would tell Mar and Alice that that kiss, was the best thing I'd ever felt and that I loved James Potter.

If I could, I would kiss James again. I'd apologise, I'd try to set things right. I'm not expecting to be forgiven, but maybe… Maybe he would accept my apology. I don't think I've ever regretted something so much.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I stand over Evans and nudge her with my foot. She doesn't move. I sigh, what is it with girls? Always fainting.

"Mr Potter," a voice says behind me.

I turn around. Professor Dumbledore.

"Wh-what are you doing out here, Professor?"

"I felt like a midnight stroll, then I happened across this corridor and I heard shouting. Tell me a man can resist the temptation of sticking his nose where it doesn't belong?"

"No, Professor."

"Bring Miss Evans, we have much to talk about, Mr Potter."

I lift Evans into my arms, she's light and fits in my arms perfectly. Almost like she was meant to be there. I remember fondly how she knows with whom I'm going out with and all their names. Either Evans is overly observant or she's been stalking me like I stalk her.

We get to Dumbledore's office and I rest Evans on the sofa Dumbledore has. I sit opposite his desk, my usual seat when I get into trouble. Dumbledore looks at me through his half-moon glasses, a twinkle in his eyes.

"With all due respect, Professor, but why am I here?"

"That, Mr Potter, is a question I have tried for many years to answer. Professor McGonagall suggests that you are here because it is your destiny to make a teacher's lesson 'living hell', to quote her exact words. In regards to the world as whole, I'd say that we each have a life and those lives become intertwined with other people's to create the thing we name 'society. In fact, Mr Potter –"

"Professor, I didn't mean why I exist, I meant why I am here, in your office, right now?"

"Of course, Mr Potter. I'm sure you know the answer already."

He sits there expectantly, waiting for me to come out with something extraordinary and intelligent.

"Uh, Evans passed out?"

"Miss Evans did lose consciousness, yes. Why did she, as you put it, 'pass out'?"

"There was shaking, in the ground."

"Interesting."

"What's interesting?"

"I felt no such shaking, none of the portraits are askew. So if the ground _was_ shaking enough for Miss Evans to lose consciousness, then why was there no shaking?"

"I don't understand, Professor."

"There is a theory, Mr Potter, that when you experience a sudden realisation, an epiphany, if you will, that there is a force produced. This force must have been shared between the two of you."

"I still don't understand. So what I experienced was an epiphany?"

"Not just any epiphany, an epiphany of soul. When a wizard or a witch finds that one person, a soul mate, you may call it. When they truly discover their love for them, when they realise what they truly feel, a special bond is created which joins those two people together. It's much more than physical attraction or a friendship, it is the linking of two souls."

"Evans and I are…?"

"Soul mates. This sort of bond is so rare, well, I can't believe it. The two of you have created a certain type of love, one which nothing, no magic, curse or hex could ever undo. You're tied together."

"Does she know?"

"No, I don't think it wise to tell her, either. She should be able to work it out and if not, then I think it's for the best. Not permanently, of course, the bond will only become stronger and harder to ignore. Miss Evans is stressed enough as it is, I don't think she needs the added confusion of an uncannily rare piece of magic. She's go out of her way to undo it which would leave her mentally damaged. Don't you think?"

"Uh, I don't know Professor. I don't like the idea of her not knowing what happened. Anyway, why did she pass out?"

"That, I cannot answer. Who knows why you didn't lose consciousness as well. Maybe Miss Evans' head and emotions got too large to ignore."

"Will she be okay?"

"I don't know," Dumbledore says uneasily. "I have no experience with this sort of magic. Epiphanies of the soul are complicated. She may or may not remember it, I cannot be certain."

"What do we do if she never comes round?"

"She will, of that I am sure. Now, Mr Potter, it is late and I must go to bed. I'll have Madam Pomfrey look after Miss Evans."

"I'm not leaving her on her own."

"As I know of your stubbornness, I am not inclined to argue," Dumbledore sighs.


	12. Apologies and Friendships

**A/N: The usual disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does.****Thank you for the reviews! We're up to ten reviews which is fantastic and 15 followers (which is correct when I wrote this) and that is magical. I hope you like this chapter. Not much longer until seventh year! Thank you for sticking with me.**

* * *

FIVE HOURS LATER

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I've been sitting by Evans' bedside in the Hospital Wing for the last 5 hours. It sounds creepy, watching her sleep, but it's not. Not really. She hasn't stirred yet.

Madam Pomfrey looks over at me suspiciously, but she doesn't tell me to leave. She gave up trying to get me to leave four hours ago. I reach out and hold Evans' hand, giving it a small squeeze. I swear her eyes opened for the briefest moment.

I think back to last summer and how great it felt then, watching her laugh at my jokes and that light-hearted humour in her eyes instead of the weary, dark and exhausted look she's been wearing recently. I look toward the window and see the night sky repaint itself with yellow, orange and pink. Thank Merlin it's Saturday today, I'm so tired. I've had no sleep in 26 hours and the Full Moon was yesterday, or rather the day before yesterday, seeing as it's now 1 am.

"James…"

I turn quickly to see Evans' eyes open. And that's it. It's like falling in love with her all over again. She didn't say _Potter_, she said James. _My_ name. I can't explain it, the sudden rush of love and adrenaline all at once.

"Where am I?" she says, craning her neck but desisting almost immediately because of the pain.

"You're in the Hospital Wing."

"What happened? Was it Bellatrix again?"

"What was Bellatrix again?" I say anxiously.

Her eyes widen completely.

"How long have I been here?"

"About five or six hours."

"_Shit_. I have a Potions essay."

I almost laugh. She's been unconscious for almost six hours and her first worry is _homework_. She then starts to drift back into a heavy sleep and I instantly miss her, even though she's right there. Madam Pomfrey comes over.

"Was she awake?"

"Yeah, she seemed a bit confused."

"Ah, she will be alright, I am certain."

"She talked about Bellatrix."

Madam Pomfrey's face warps into sympathy and anger.

"She should be expelled, that one. Of course Professor Dumbledore refuses to do anything about the racism here. The amount of times Evans has been here on account of that girl, I don't care to count."

Madam Pomfrey bustles over to Lily's side and places her hand on Lily's forehead. She sighs and adjusts the few cards on the bedside table to so that they are all lined up straight. She then looks over the Hospital Wing which is next to empty and sits down opposite me.

"I felt I should do something but you know how Gryffindors are, with their honour," she sighs. "I respect Evans' need for secrecy but she keeps coming back, even worse than before."

"What sort of stuff does Black do to her?"

"I do not wish to divulge that information, thank you Potter. If Evans wants to tell you, then I'm sure she will," Madam Pomfrey says curtly, getting up and walking back to her office.

I turn back to Lily.

"Oh and Potter, when she wakes up, let her rest. Rest is crucial at this point in recovery, if she starts sitting up, alert me."

I smile, Madam Pomfrey has always been sure that rest is the best cure for anything. I can't help wishing that she's wake up, even if it would delay her complete recovery, I just need to hear her voice again.

* * *

THREE HOURS LATER

* * *

I'm awakened with a start. I hadn't realised I'd fallen asleep.

"Prongs! We haven't seen you in days!" Padfoot sits down next to me, cheerily.

"Evans went unconscious, so I stayed with her."

"We figured as much," Moony drops his bag on the floor and pulls up a chair.

"How?"

Moony exhales, impatiently.

"You may have forgotten that I'm her friend. If she's not with Marlene and Alice, she's not in the library and not in the Great Hall then she's in the Hospital Wing."

"Oh and we had the map," Padfoot says helpfully.

"Why would you assume the Hospital Wing?" I ask.

"I never thought I'd say this, Prongs but have you not been paying any attention to Lily? She's been in the Hospital Wing almost all month!"

"I didn't –"

"No, you've been horrible to Lily for the past few months, would it be too much to ask that you helped her out once in a while?"

"What? So you've been fighting with her then?"

"Yes! Along with a few others, but I won't expect you to have noticed," Moony says huffily.

At that moment, Lily stirs and wakes up.

"James," she says and my heart explodes.

"Lily, how are you doing?" I ask.

"Okay, my head hurts a bit. What happened and why are you here?"

"Hey Lily!" Moony perks up instantly.

"Remus," she smiles and I feel a twinge of jealousy.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine. What about you? How are the Slytherins?"

"Same old, they're not trying that hard. Frank got Mulciber with a Stinging Hex right in the eye."

Lily winces but smiles.

"What about Mar? How's she?"

"Fine, they're all dreadfully worried about you. You're never gone this long, we all thought you'd been ambushed or something."

"Why aren't they here?"

"Mar's suffering from hangover and Alice is still in bed."

"What time is it?"

"Only 7 am and it's a Saturday."

"So why are you all here?"

"Prongs was gone, so we knew something must have happened. I'm just glad you didn't kill each other," Padfoot says.

"I don't _hate_ James," she laughs.

Padfoot falls off his chair.

"_James_? Oh sweet Merlin, what did you do to her, Prongs?" Padfoot asks, in utter shock.

"Nothing," I say giving him a forceful look which meant: _I'll tell you later_.

Madam Pomfrey bustles out of her office wearing a frown.

"Come on all of you, out. Out you go! OUT! No complaints, Evans needs her rest."

Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail leave. Madam Pomfrey gives me a cautious look before giving Lily a potion.

"You need to spend the rest of the day here but after that, you'll be right as rain," she says.

She sweeps out, narrowing her eyes at me as she goes.

"Why am I here James?" she says seriously.

"You fell, don't you remember?"

"No, not really," she shakes her head, frustrated. "I said some bad stuff, didn't I?"

I don't say anything, because she's right and because I also said 'bad stuff'.

"I did, didn't I?" she persists.

"I did, too."

"I'm sorry, James. I really am, I wish I could take all of it back and I wish I'd never lied about the kiss last summer –"

"Lily, don't, it doesn't matter –"

"No! It does matter. That kiss made me feel like nothing ever has done before. It felt amazing and I was stupid for not acting on it. I didn't think you were responsible enough and you were still picking on other children and bullying Severus," she says, bitterly.

"I'm sorry about that," I say, meaning the Snivellus incident. She _did_ like the kiss, I knew it.

"Don't be, he deserved it. I'm sorry James, you were right, I am a bitch. I want you to know I'm sorry."

Her eyes get red and her voice catches. I look anxiously toward Madam Pomfrey's office.

"Don't get yourself worked up, okay? Pomfrey will have my head. I'm sorry for all the stuff I said, as well. I shouldn't have said all those things and I should have helped you out with Bellatrix," I watch the sudden change in her face once I mention Bellatrix.

"How did you find out?" she says in a small voice.

"I don't know much, just that she was picking on you and sending you to the Hospital Wing," I feel the anger rise immediately.

"She can do a lot worse than that," Lily gives a hollow laugh.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Not really, I know you'd try to do something and that's the last thing I need."

"So full of it, Lily. What makes you think I'd stand up for you?"

She cracks a smile. As she shifts in her bed, I notice a scar on her arm.

"What's that?" I say, my eyes never leaving the part of the scar I can see.

She pulls down her sleeve instantly, the effort draining her.

"I'm fine."

"Let me see," I insist.

She shakes her head.

"It's embarrassing."

"I'm not going to judge you, Lily. I'm your friend."

She raises her eyebrows at the word 'friend' but doesn't correct me or disagree. She carefully pulls up her sleeve to reveal a large scar across her upper arm, Bellatrix has clearly taken her time with the cut, and it reads: _Mudblood_. I feel my blood boil, how dare she. How dare anyone, of any background, dare hurt Lily?

"James?" Lily's voice brings me back down to Earth.

"What?"

"I don't want you to do anything; I need to handle this on my own. This is my revenge."

I sigh before Madam Pomfrey walks out of her office.

"I'm sorry Potter, but Evans really does need her rest, out."

I splutter protest but she ignores me, I give Lily one last smile before leaving the Hospital Wing.


	13. Planning Revenge

**A/N:****I don't own anything! It all belongs to J K Rowling! Thank you very much for all your support with reviews, favourites, follows and reading, it means a great deal to me. I hope you enjoy this following chapter.**

* * *

THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Prongs! Pomfrey kicked you out, then?" Padfoot shuffles across the sofa he's sitting on to make room for me.

"Yeah," I don't sit next to Padfoot, instead I stay standing.

"What's up, Prongs? If its Evans, she'll be okay, Madam Pomfrey said –" Wormtail starts.

"This isn't about Pomfrey, this is about what Black did to Lily," I growl.

"Ah, what did my darling ex-cousin do now?" Padfoot asks, kicking up his feet on the sofa.

"The bitch sliced Mudblood into Lily's arm."

"Shit! I'm not going to make excuses because if I made an excuse every time a Black did something crappy, I'd be talking all my life."

"As if you need an excuse to talk all the time anyway," Moony cuts in, harsher than he should have done.

"What's wrong with you, Moony?"

"Nothing's _wrong_," we all roll our eyes. Here we go. "It's just that I think it's a little bit hypocritical for Prongs to starts caring _now_. It's like the only thing that gets his attention is when she's in serious pain. It's like he hasn't bothered until now, when she's absolutely desperate –"

I feel blood rising and boiling inside me, this is the problem with insults- they hurt more if they're true. They're harder to apologise for and take back because you mean every word.

"That's not true!" I deny it, I know I'm denying it.

"Isn't it? You've been so focused on your own problems. You've been in your own little bubble. Ignorance must be bliss, mustn't it? We all know there's a war ahead and Lily's in danger more than ever. If you love her like you always said you did, then why would you let that happen? Why would you join our side now?"

Moony is on his feet; he's never actually stood up to us before. I could always tell when he had a strong opinion on the stuff we did, but we all knew he'd never voice it. He was afraid we'd abandon him. We would never do such a thing, we Marauders stick together.

"Because, something happened that night when Lily went unconscious. Dumbledore told me about this bond we shared through our misdirected anger- he called it an epiphany of the soul…"

I go on to explain all of what happened and they listen with awe.

"…but we can't tell Lily. Dumbledore didn't think it was wise. You saw how she reacted to the kiss; imagine if she found out that her future was already set? She'd self-destruct."

They take it in, Moony lost deep in thought. As if considering my story. Padfoot sits with his mouth open before closing it.

"So basically you and Evans are hardwired for each other."

"Yes, exactly."

"Cool, she's the girl you always loved and now she's destined to be yours," Padfoot grins.

"I don't like it when you say it like that – like she has no choice."

"She doesn't," Moony scowls.

"The epiphany of the soul wouldn't work unless _both_ of us bonded. She wants it too, in her soul at least."

I know what Moony is thinking, though. That maybe he can find someone who'll accept him for what he is and he won't hurt them. I feel guilty, this should have happened to Moony. This is what he needs.

"So Lily has no idea, whatsoever?" Moony asks.

"No, I don't know, maybe? She seemed pretty clueless in the Hospital Wing but maybe she was a bit confused having just woken up and everything –"

"Not that this isn't interesting, but we need to sort out our revenge on Bellatrix," Padfoot interrupts.

"Lily said –"

"Yeah, yeah, Lily said this, Lily said that. Who cares? Those Slytherins have had it coming and this is the perfect opportunity. If we take our revenge whilst she's in the Hospital Wing, she'll never know."

"You honestly think that the news that we took on Bellatrix won't reach her?" Moony raises his eyebrows.

"Fine! We'll be subtle."

"You've never been subtle in your life, Padfoot," Moony laughs.

"Yes I have, well maybe not. But first time for everything, right?"

"I say that we target what she cares about the most," Moony says.

"The Dark Lord?" Wormtail suggests.

"I don't plan on hunting him down, to be honest," I say.

Wormtail blushes at the stupid suggestion that we might hunt down He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"What about her hair?" Padfoot says. "All girls have a thing about hair, am I right?"

"Not all girls," Moony says. "But Bellatrix certainly cares an awful lot about her hair."

"Right then, we sneak into the Slytherin Dorms and ambush –" Padfoot begins.

"We're not going to get into her dormitory; we can't even get into the girl's dormitories here. Besides, I'm not breaking into Slytherin."

"What do you suggest we do?" Padfoot scowls impatiently.

"Leave her a few drops of a hair loss potion in her Pumpkin Juice," Moony grins, wickedly.

"That sounds good," I appraise him. "But something more, more than just no hair."

"What about, instead of getting rid of all her hair, we make it all grow continuously?" Padfoot says.

"I like that, every time she cuts it, it grows back twice as long!"

"How about her body hair, too?" Moony starts jotting down spells and potions.

"Yes! Is it too complicated?" I ask, peering over at Moony's notes.

"No, actually, it's relatively easy. It'll just take a while to brew. About 12 hours."

"That's alright, we can do that."

"I say we put a few drops- less concentrated- in all the Slytherin's Pumpkin Juice. Bellatrix will have it the worst, but it would be so funny to see them all try to cut it off…" Padfoot begins laughing helplessly at the thought.

"Right, when can we start?" I address Moony because Padfoot's collapsed and Wormtail's staring out of the window.

"I reckon it'll take me today to get all the ingredients and then the extra 12 hours, so let's say Tuesday breakfast, we'll plant the potion starting at the kitchen."

I grin, because this is one of the best plans we've fabricated in such short notice. I push the thought of Lily's disapproval from my mind; nothing can stop a Marauder from making mischief.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Despite what Madam Pomfrey says, I think I'm fine. I don't really remember much, just our argument then a shake then the Hospital Wing. I feel very lonely without James beside me. I feel strange calling him James. It's weird not hating him, I don't know quite what I feel, but it's not loathing. He didn't reject nor accept my apology- and it's been bugging me these past few hours.

Does he hate me? Or does he not? I want him to like me. I don't want him to think I need protecting, because I don't. I can handle Bellatrix. That's why it's nagging my insides that he knows about the scars. I'm getting paranoid over it- but he can't know about the rest of them. There are things I haven't told Remus, Mar and Alice. I couldn't bring myself to; they got way too upset over just the scars. They wouldn't let me out of their sight if they heard about the other stuff.

Worst of all is Severus. He's officially joined the Dark side and I've overheard them talk about getting something called a 'Dark Mark'. I'm not 100% sure I know what that is, but it sounds dangerous. I think the worst of all the attacks was when we were on a corridor. Remus was taking on Avery, Mar had Mulciber and Alice was duelling Regulus Black. I had Bellatrix, of course. Then something weird happened, time stopped and Severus came out of the shadows. Bellatrix screamed something at him and he looked at me with unease, like he wasn't sure. I braced myself as he cast _Crucio_; it didn't hurt as much as when Bellatrix took over five minutes later. It was a searing pain, travelling through my veins and into my heart, pulsing the screams and terror all over my body.

When I finally came back to consciousness, I was in the Hospital Wing and nobody had any idea what they'd done to me and I didn't plan on telling them. I think Madam Pomfrey knew I was lying but she didn't push it. If she found out, or any of the teachers really, I'd be dead the minute I left Hogwarts. Bellatrix tells me all the time, that when the war begins, I'll be her first kill.

It doesn't worry me anymore, because Dumbledore told me about the Order of the Phoenix. That's exactly what I want to do, fight them. When Dumbledore talks to me about the Order, it's like I have the power back. Of course, I'm terrified, I'd be a fool not to be, but I know that she won't get me. I'll get her first, because I've made a promise to myself, she'll be _my_ first kill if I do any killing at all.


	14. Honesty is the best policy, or is it?

**A/N: I don't own anything in the Harry Potter franchise! Thank you for all the support and love- it's greatly appreciated. I hope you like this chapter, things are going to get spicy! P.S I watched Mockingjay Part 1 yesterday and it was amazing. For those who don't know, the new Hunger Games film has come out and it is bloody fantastic even if it did stray from the book a bit. Anyway, now I'm rambling. Enjoy!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Today's Sunday and I have been officially discharged from the Hospital Wing. Mar and Alice came to visit yesterday, very briefly because Mar said her headache was splitting her in two. Alice was just tired; Amos wouldn't stop bugging her at Slughorn's party. He said he wanted her back, that he missed her and that he would never treat her that way again. Alice screamed in his face and ran off. He wouldn't stop stalking her until about one in the morning when Professor Dumbledore happened to be walking down the corridors and told him to go away. Odd, because the weird shake was around 11 or 12, I wonder if Professor Dumbledore saw or felt what happened.

Every time I've woken up, James has always been at my side. Holding my hand or playing with my hair. I feel like I should stop him, but I find it comforting. I like it when he holds my hand, it triggers the memory of when he kissed me and I really want him to kiss me again. No, I don't. James is an arrogant toerag and is too irresponsible to stick around with one girl but he's changed. Not that much, but he has. It's complicated.

I swing my arms as I walk to Gryffindor Tower, happily not encountering any Slytherins. I climb through the Portrait Hole and into the Common Room. Alice runs up to me and flings her arms around me and squeezes tightly. Mar grins at me and joins the hug.

"It's so good to see you out of that wretched hospital, Lil!" Alice smiles at me.

"It's good to be back, how're you doing?"

"Better," Alice says. "We went to Hogsmede without you, I'm sorry. Amos started stalking me again; I was forced to run down a twitchell –"

"What on Earth is a twitchell?" I ask her, bewildered.

"What do you mean what's a twitchell? I've been learning Muggle words for you, a twitchell is an alleyway. Didn't you know that?"

"No, nobody I know uses that word."

"Oh, well I'm pretty sure it's right, it's a Nottingham word. Mar snogged a randomer," Alice smirks in an extremely non-Alice way.

"I did not!" Mar says indignantly.

"Oh? So who was he then?"

"Um, he was from Hufflepuff, I think."

"What was his name?"

"Jordan? Jack? It began with a J…"

"_Jason_, Mar, his name was Jason."

"I knew that," Mar says.

"You're as bad as James," Alice says, rolling her eyes.

That's when I remember that James kisses a lot of girls on a weekly basis. He makes loads of girls feel the way I long to feel again. I'm not special; I'm just another set of lips for him to kiss. I feel downcast and look at the floor.

"No! Not _loads_ of girls!" James jumps in, defensively.

"Really? Who in our year haven't you snogged?" Alice asks, crossing her arms.

Mar's eyes look at her wildly, as if the answer can't be good. She nods her head in my direction, as if suggesting that I… No, surely not. They know I don't like him like that. Alice doesn't seem to get the hint.

"…go on!" she prompts.

James looks uncomfortable.

"I haven't snogged you," he says.

"Great start, who else?"

"Um…"

"I'll help you, you haven't snogged Mar, you haven't snogged Lily…" Alice breaks off as James gives Sirius an anxious look. "What? You're not saying that… Lily? Mar?" she turns wildly at us.

"Surprise," I say weakly.

Alice narrows her eyes at me.

"Don't look at me like that! You must have guessed something happened last summer!" I snap at her.

"I thought you would tell me if something like that happened!"

"Maybe I thought that if I did, you wouldn't leave me alone. You'd always be pushing us together! Besides, you knew about the bet, you knew he won."

"I thought… We're talking about _snogging_ right? Not kissing, snogging. The bet was that if James got all Outstandings and Exceeds and Expectations that he got to _kiss_ you, not snog. So something happened?"

I feel all eyes trained on me.

"Yes, something happened but I wasn't sure what to do at the time and I'm still not sure! I'm not good at this sort of stuff."

"Okay, it's just a lot to take in. What about you, Mar?"

"Uh, summer before last. It was a spur of a moment thing!" she says, looking at me, perturbed.

I must look angry, well I feel angry. It's horrible to think that all those girls snogged James. The James I may or may not fancy. He's been with one of my best friends and they've… I don't like to think it got very far but what if… No, Mar would never, would she?

"Say something Lily! I'm on tenterhooks here," Mar says apprehensively.

"You and James?" I manage to splutter out at last.

"N-no, not really. It wasn't anything, it doesn't mean anything!"

I recoil from her in disgust. I learnt the hard way that snogging has to mean something. The idea of snogging someone and it not meaning anything is vacuous. It must have meant something but what something?

"Lily, Mar's right, it happened. Of course it did but it's not going to happen again and we've both moved on…" James says, moving forward to calm me.

"But you _knew_, Mar!" I say shrilly. I'm not sure exactly what she knew, but she knew James and I had a weird thing going on.

"I know, Lily. And I'm so sorry; I wish I could undo it…"

_I wish I could undo it… _That sounds so familiar. James and I shouted, I wanted to take it all back. He called me a bitch, I fell. No, there was something else. Something a bit… off, not quite right. I wonder what happened, what _actually_ happened?

"James," I breathe slowly. "What happened that night? And tell me the _truth_."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

Shit. Shit. Shit. Lily found out about Marlene and me. It wasn't supposed to happen and Padfoot's just as annoyed with me as well for kissing her. This is not helping my campaign to show Lily that I can be responsible and mature. This has taken me back a couple of hundred steps and it's going to take ages to get back what little trust she may have had in me.

Poor Marlene, she didn't want to tell Lily because she thought Lily would care- a lot. And Marlene was right, she does seem to care. Does that mean she… _likes_ me? I shouldn't be so pleased, but Lily Evans _likes_ me!

"James," she says, in utter seriousness and my heart catches. "What happened that night? And tell me the _truth_."

Uh-oh. What the fuck do I tell her? Maybe I could tell her the truth but not the whole truth. But she's Lily Evans, she'd know if I lied or left anything out. I don't know what to do, if I tell her the truth, she'll hate me and if I lie she'll hate me. What have I got to lose by lying? It would protect her in the long run, after all. But then again, I'd never be able to live with myself if she hated me... What a dilemma.


	15. Science and Confessions

**A/N: ****I own none of the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does and I do not make any financial profit from this. Thank you for reviewing, adding this story to your favourites and following it, it means a lot to me. I promise seventh year will be approaching soon, stick with me!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I open my mouth to explain but time seems to freeze. I look around me, but nobody but me is moving. Just at the moment when I'm about to panic, Dumbledore approaches me, wearing that calming smile I've seen so often.

"Mr Potter," he says, warmly. It's the nicest anyone's been to me all day.

"Professor Dumbledore," I say.

"I wonder if you know why I'm here," he looks over his half-moon glasses, once again looking at me as if I will achieve great feats.

"No, Professor."

"Surely you must have an idea," he says.

"Erm, because Lily wanted to know the truth?"

"Exactly and I fear you would not have known what to say, alas, I don't think there is a correct way to respond."

"So, what do we do?"

"I suggest we pretend this never happened. Ordinarily, I would refuse such dishonesty but… I worry that the Epiphany of the Soul, whilst strong is equally as fragile. We must conserve this magic not just for your well-being but also for Science."

"Science?"

"The Muggle word for logic and discovery, Mr Potter. A fascinating subject, if I do say so myself. Now, there is a perfectly good bowl of Mint Imperials I have become rather fond of, so if you'll excuse me…"

Dumbledore ostensibly disappears as quickly as he arrived, leaving no trace of magic behind. I think for a moment that he may have Apparated, but that's impossible. Nobody can Apparate in Hogwarts, at least not to my knowledge.

As soon as Dumbledore leaves, time starts again. Everyone in the Common Room is seemingly unaware of the time cease. Lily sits down next to Marlene, I wonder how much she can remember and if she doesn't remember shouting at Mar and I, should I tell her? What would Mar say? What would she do?

"All right, Prongs?" Padfoot asks.

"Yeah, just… Yeah, I'm fine."

"Sit down then, will you?"

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I sit next to Mar, feeling slightly dizzy. I felt angry a few moments ago but I can't remember why. Ah well, couldn't have been that important if I don't remember it.

James sits across from me, but he's not wearing his usual smirk and it makes uneasy for some reason. There's something unsettling about James looking un-confident, like even he can't reassure himself everythting will be okay.

"James? Are you okay?" I ask him.

"Fine, Lily, fine. Don't worry about me."

He seems distracted, but I don't drop it, I know better than to let a good friend slide through my fingers by not pressing on these issues. Severus once said the same to me, not to worry and like a fool, I believed him.

"But something's clearly bothering you," I persist.

"I told you, Lily. I'm _fine_. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Okay," I say concernedly, "if you're sure. You know you can talk to me, right?"

"Yes, yes, I know," he disregards me with a wave of his hand, somewhat irritably, as if dismissing all my suggestions.

I can't help feeling slightly hurt at the reaction. It would be heartless not to pursue the matter but if that's the thanks I get… then fuck him.

I slide back in my chair, aggravated.

"What's wrong, Lil?" Mar says.

I suspire, even more annoyed. Mar's making it worse by throwing the question back in my face. How can I explain what I'm feeling?

"_Nothing,_" I say, forcefully. Anyone with any intelligence would take that as a sign to shut-up.

"Lily, we said we'd talk about stuff like this," Alice looks up from her book, her eyebrows stitch together, with a look of great concern and worry.

"Fine, let's talk about it, then. Let's go to our dorm and we'll talk."

We head over to our dorm and as soon as the door closes, I launch into a confession/admission to all my feelings about/for James Potter. I told them about him snogging me, not kissing me and how amazingly euphoric I had felt. I told them about my supposed feelings for him and then I sat and waited for a response. They seemed to be stunned into submission.

"That's… fucking mental." Mar concludes after a while.

"Yeah," Alice says shock evident on her face.

"So? What about you? While we're at it, any confessions you guys want to make?" I ask.

"Alright, but no hard feelings?" Mar says.

"Of course, none of it leaves this room," I say.

"Okay, I lost my virginity to McLaggen in fifth year."

"I thought you were going out with –"

"Yes! I know, it was dirty and I shouldn't have cheated but… It was a spur of a moment thing."

_It was a spur of a moment thing…_ That sounds vaguely familiar, I feel a wave of déjà vu.

"Are… are you sure that's all? I'm sure there was something else which was 'on the spur of the moment' but I can't remember what it was…"

"Erm, I kissed Amos when I was going out with Frank but I already told you both that."

"No, it wasn't that. Ah well, can't have been that important. Alice?"

"Erm, I'm going out with Amos again but don't worry! The Marauders threatened to bash him in if he didn't treat me properly."

"Really?" I smile, pleased that the Marauders would do such a thing for Alice.

"Yeah and Amos is different now, kinder and more compassionate. I think I love him, despite everything and I think he loves me too."

"That's good."

"Lil, do you ever wonder about the girls James has kissed?" Alice asks, after a long silence.

"Sometimes," I admit. "and I guess it bothers me a bit."

Mar shifts uncomfortably, maybe the whole 'true love' thing is getting too weird.

"D'you ever regret stuff you've done in the past with boys, Mar?" I ask her, genuinely interested.

"Of course, but you know, I was reckless. I lived fast and now I guess I seriously want to slow things down. I've done all my precipitous living that I ever want to do, so… and I also have a huge crush on Sirius Black," Mar says, biting her lip.

"Aw, Mar!" Alice exclaims, ecstatic at the news.

"Is it weird thinking about all the girls Sirius has kissed?" I ask her.

"Yes."

"So I'm not being stupidly jealous then?" I ask, relieved.

"No, you're not."

"Good, because I feel like I want to know who kissed him but then I'm like, wait, do I really want to know?"

"Yeah, I'm the same."

Mar looks very uncomfortable at this so I don't continue the conversation.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I'm sitting in the Common Room reading a Muggle Science book. It's very interesting, I can see why Lily likes it so much.

"Oi, Prongs, whatcha doing?" Padfoot strolls into the room.

"Reading about Muggle Science."

"What in Merlin's name is that?"

"It's an intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment."

"Merlin's beard, Prongs. Why do you even care?"

"Because Lily cares," I say in a small voice.

"You've got it bad, Prongs." Padfoot says.

"I know," I sigh.

"I'm going to bed, see ya Prongs," he heads up the stairs.

"Wait! Padfoot! You know when Mar and I snogged summer before last?"

His eyes tighten with anger at the recollection of the event but he nods, curtly.

"Should I tell Lily?"

"Absolutely, 100% not. Never tell a woman who you've kissed, she'll only get angry. Besides, imagine what would happen to Mar and Lily's sanity. It would be carnage, mate."

"Maybe you're right –"

"I'm always right."

"_Maybe_ you're right but what about honesty? And on that note, what about telling Lily the truth about the Epiphany of the Soul and what really happened? I feel bad not telling her –"

"Whoa, man! Dumbledore said that you shouldn't so, that's that. Dumbledore's never been wrong before, so we should trust him."

"I guess you're right but –"

"Shut up, Prongs. Before you make things too complicated, Lily knows you love her and that should be enough."

"I suppose."

"Glad we cleared that up, now let's go."

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I glance around the Common Room, watching James and Sirius leave the Common Room. An Epiphany of the Soul? He _snogged_ Mar? What on Earth is going on and why would Professor Dumbledore keep the truth from me? It seems a trip to the library is long overdue.


	16. The Truth, Sweetheart

**A/N: ****Hello! I do not own any of the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling. Thank you so much for the support with reviews (we're up to 14 reviews, guys!) and following (25 followers!) and favourites (7 favourites!) I am incredibly lucky. Enjoy!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I've been in the library for five hours and there's nothing on Epiphanies of the Soul. Zilch. Nada. None. Not even Madam Pince has ever heard of it, I was in such desperation that I asked _Madam Pince_. She told me she didn't know what in Merlin's name I was talking about, because she had no idea what it was. To make matters worse, James showed up and I was forced to end my search for answers. I didn't want him knowing I'd overheard them that would be awkward.

"Hey Evans," I ignore him. "Evans, Evans, hey Evans! _Evans!_"

I roll my eyes and lift my head up from my Transfiguration homework and pull a patronising smile. "_What?_"

"I don't understand why atoms have no charge."

I sigh, because he's been studying the basics of Fundamental Chemistry and doesn't seem to understand it at all.

"Atoms don't have a charge unless they form ions. Atoms have no negative or positive charge because the number of electrons and protons are equal."

"So… it has nothing to do with neutrons?"

"_No,_ neutrons have no charge – they're neutral. When atoms that don't have a full outer shell gain or lose an electron, they gain a charge."

"So what happens with CO2?"

"That's a covalent bond, when a non-metal and another non-metal bond together, that's different. You're looking at ionic bonding, so why don't you draw the ionic structure of Potassium Oxide?"

"How d'you do that again?"

"Potassium is 'K' and oxygen is 'O', you can draw dot-cross diagrams for the elements, look, I'll show you…"

I lean over and do a quick sketch of the ion potassium, with its charge.

"…so you need two potassium atoms because oxygen needs to gain two to obtain a full outer shell. Are you with me?"

"Yeah, so potassium has a charge of +?"

"Yeah, K+. Do you get it now?"

"I think so; I don't know why you find this easy."

"It's easier than Physics."

"No, Physics is maths with a point."

I laugh and he pushes his hair back, I feel my throat contract. Why does he have to be so gorgeous? Wait, hang on Lily, you don't think he's gorgeous; you think he's an arrogant swine. Remember that.

"What are you doing in the library anyway?"

"Um, homework," I offer, feebly.

"Sure," he narrows his eyes but doesn't push it.

I sit in silence for a while and he starts rocking on his chair. Gently at first, and then he swings to and throw more violently, the chair squeaking. I raise my head, irritated.

"Will you stop that?"

"Stop what? Looking fantastically irresistible, breathing, seeing, hearing… So vague, Lily, I don't understand why you can't just get to the point."

"You know full well what, stop swinging on your chair."

"Why? It's not hurting you, is it?"

"No, but it's hurting my concentration and Madam Pince's patience."

"If it really bothers you that much…"

He desists, and I get back to my essay. I hear the sound of sliding and see James sliding up and down the bookcases on the ladder. He throws his arms and head back, embracing the wind ridiculously. I can't help laughing.

"What are you doing?" I ask, pulling myself together.

"I'm doing that thing in that film. You know, the one with the ice and the boat."

"_Titanic_?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Why?"

"I dunno, I felt like it."

"You can't do something just because you _felt like it_."

"Why not?"

"Because it would be havoc. Imagine if we all went around doing exactly what we wanted to do without thinking about everyone else."

He climbs down the ladder and looks at me pityingly.

"You know your problem, Evans? You worry too much. You need to liven up a bit, think of yourself for a change."

"First of all, you can never worry too much and second of all, I'm plenty lively and some of us like to be considerate."

"I think there's a difference between letting people walk all over you and being considerate. You're too lily-livered."

"Are you calling me a coward, Potter?"

"So what if I am?"

"Maybe we have a problem."

"Oh I think that's pretty clear."

"You think so?"

"That I do, Evans, that I do."

"What's the problem, then?"

"Well, sweetheart –"

"Don't call me 'sweetheart.'"

"_Sweetheart_, the problem is that you won't go out with me."

"I don't see how not going out with you is cowardly and if you call me sweetheart one more time, I will hex you into oblivion."

"Not going out with me is cowardly because you're not embracing your true feelings, you're too worried about what _other_ people want from you, shouldn't you be thinking about what you want… _sweetheart_?"

I eye him venomously; I don't want another God-damn person telling me how to feel. I walk away from him, grab my books and stalk out the library.

"Hey, Evans! Where're you going? I didn't offend you, did I?"

"Oh, don't worry about it, Potter. I just don't like being told how to feel."

"That's not fair, I was telling the truth, you _do_ feel that way, right?"

"I'm not talking to you about this, Potter."

"Why not?"

"Because I might say something I don't want to."

"But Evans, I wanted –"

"Good bye, Potter."

I leave to the Gryffindor Common Room but just as I turn the corner, I come face-to-face with Severus Snape. I gasp and drop my stuff and bend down to pick it up. He doesn't leave. He stammers, unable to form any words.

"Is there something you wanted to say?" I ask coldly.

"N-n-n… Y-y-yes…"

I brush past him and he grabs my wrist, pulling me back.

"Let go, Severus," I snarl at him.

"I can't, I have to… Bellatrix… Malfoy…"

"You don't have to do everything they say, Severus."

"You don't understand."

"I understand you're hurting my wrist, let _go_."

"I have to do this, to prove myself."

"What do you mean 'prove yourself'?"

"I h-h-have to, Lily. I-I'm sorry."

"Whoa, what are you going to do?"

I don't have time to scream, Severus clamps my hands behind my back, gags me and drags me down the corridor. He keeps mumbling about being sorry and proving himself. The whole time, all I can think is: _am I going to die?_ It was hard to believe that Severus Snape, my once only friend at Spinner's End would do such a thing. I struggle relentlessly but Severus has become stronger than I thought. I keep punching him and wriggling but he holds onto me with a vice-like grip.

We stop outside the Room of Requirement, he blinds me and puts a binding curse on me; not allowing me to move at all. I can't scream, I can't struggle, I can't control my movements, I can't see and I can't escape. Severus casts a charm and my motionless body follows him through the door, or where I imagine the door would be. I hold my breath.

**A/N: Bam-bam-bam! I know this isn't cannon and that it's unusual and odd and Severus would never do that! But... maybe he's being controlled by his fear, or by an Imperious curse, or maybe... I'm gonna shut up, now. Just remember, Jily will happen and Severus is not the bad guy - he's just a bit of a coward.**


	17. Torture and Torment

**A/N:**** Firstly, I own nothing from the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling own it all. Secondly, thank you for your support, as always, you know how much it means to me. Thirdly, this chapter took me _ages_ to write, so I hope you enjoy it. I realise my chapters have become shorter, so this is a longer one which I've been working on since I got up. Remember: Jily will happen... in the seventh year. Have a great day!**

* * *

A few moments later, I am slammed into a post, my blindfold and gag are taken off but the binds which restrict my body stay, binding me to the post. Severus is shaking, completely terrified. He starts to sweat but stops virtually immediately when Bellatrix and Malfoy come into sight.

Bellatrix cackles madly.

"Aren't you excited, _Mudblood_? We've got something rather special tonight, haven't we Snape?" she croons.

I resist making a remark as that would not help my situation. Bellatrix steps back, allowing Severus to step forward.

"I'm afraid you won't be under my wand, _Mudblood_. Snape has offered to practice some of his new spells on you."

I look at Severus with pure abhorrence. This settles it; he's definitely not someone I care about. Not any more, I don't like to associate with people who are coward enough to torture.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't concentrate. It's in my every waking hour, I feel _his_ presence. Telling me not to let him down, that if I do, I shall be the next. Bellatrix seems to have taken a peculiar interest in Lily Evans, my once closest friend. I don't have friends anymore, just allies and enemies. At first, when it was just duelling, I wasn't worried but now… Bellatrix curses harder and relentlessly. I don't understand why Lily doesn't ask for help. Any one of her stupid Gryffindor friends would stand up for her. Yet she doesn't, she allows herself to get battered, each time I sit by and watch. Each time, she looks at me with more hurt, betrayal, sadness and something else. Pity? No, how could she pity me? I have everything I've ever wanted; I will serve the Dark Lord… No! I will not. I refuse but every time I refuse to join them, my mark burns.

Fighting my loyalty is useless. When you are given the Dark Mark, its damn near impossible to fight off the allegiance magic. The Dark Mark is part of you, it almost controls you. I shouldn't have done it but what choice did I have? Besides, my father is dead, my mother is safe. They did that much for me, join the dark side and they'd kill my father. I'd got my revenge, wasn't it fair enough for them to expect me to join them? Yet, I felt uncomfortable torturing First years because they were Mudbloods, I feel guilty and disgusting whenever I curse Lily. Who am I kidding? She'll never love me - that ship sailed the minute I called her Mudblood. Still… Maybe she could forgive me. If I can show her that I'm better than that, that I'm still the boy from Spinner's End. The one she used to confide in for everything.

Bellatrix walks into the Common Room, I never know quite what to make of her. At first, I thought the Dark Lord was buying her loyalty but I see now that she is completely dedicated to him. Obsessed. She would do anything, murder anyone, even her family to please him. The Dark Lord must be proud of himself, such loyalty is hard to find, especially when it's unconditional.

"Snape, I've decided on your task to prove yourself."

I look her in the eyes, though she may be one of the youngest blood-purity campaigners at Hogwarts, nobody questions her authority.

"You're a talented wizard, not as talented as I or anywhere near a talented as the Dark Lord, but… You've been working on some Dark Magic of your own, haven't you? You've been working out some new attack spells, haven't you?"

"Yes, Bellatrix," I resist the urge to call her 'ma'am'. Bellatrix has a certain stance which makes you want to grovel at her feet.

"Don't worry, I won't grass you up, so long as you agree to use every single one on the Mudblood."

She grins, cruelly and turns away. Inventing your own spells is a risky and dangerous business. Technically illegal, especially if it's harmful but Bellatrix knows that if anybody found out, I'd be screwed. She knows where I keep my research, so she'll know if I don't use the same spells on Lily… I don't want to do it. I won't. Nobody can make me do anything.

Blinding pain form my mark covers my entire body. I have to find a way out, I can't torture anyone else, I can't cause any more pain. I sit down, waiting for the pain to pass. Narcissa sits next to me.

"I'm sorry, Severus. This shouldn't have happened to you."

Narcissa has always been kind to me, always been supportive. The only reason she joined the Dark side was because of her boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy and because of her sister, Bellatrix. She didn't really have a choice; Narcissa doesn't like to cause disruption in families so she went along with it. We have an empathy thing together, if I had friends, I'd consider her to be one of them.

"I can't do it, I don't want to."

"I know, Severus, I know but we have to. The war is nearer, I can feel it and we have to fight. I don't like it any more than you do but if we want protection from the stronger side, then this is the price. I may not agree with everything he stands for, but the Dark Lord has done things for my family, debts I can never repay."

"You don't seriously believe the Dark Lord cares about any of us."

"Of course not, even though his intentions were bad, to gain our loyalty, he's still done things for my family. I can't turn my back on it."

"Why not? He's just playing with you. He knows that if he does something for your family, then he'll gain your loyalty. When it comes down to it, he'll leave us all to burn in hell."

"Perhaps," Narcissa says grimly. "But I'd much rather my family were safe, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, but my family is rather thin on the ground. The only people I care about are my mother and Lily. And I've let them both down."

"They won't like it, but maybe they'll see later on in life, that what you did was to protect them."

"They won't be well protected if I fail. You know how he works, he uses the people closest to us to control us."

"Be that as it may, I still have a duty and you have yours."

She leaves. Narcissa has always been too driven by her family. They mean the world to her, literally. As dedicated to the Dark Lord Bellatrix is, that's how dedicated Narcissa is to her family. She simply doesn't see why I don't feel the same way. She thinks family is the be all and end all. Bellatrix calls it weak, Narcissa calls it compassion. They never say it to each other's faces, though. It doesn't matter how different the two sisters are, I can tell that they are close. I feel jealous in a way, if I only I had someone on the inside who cared about me that much.

The only person whom that could have possibly been was Lily but her joining the Dark side is ludicrous. She's a Muggle-born, there's no way she could possibly join. Bellatrix says there are other girls – that Lily is just a waste of my Pureblood energy, which is just about the kindest thing she's ever said. She wasn't referring to herself, though when she talks about 'other girls'. We all know her and Lestrange have a thing.

Lestrange and Black don't love each other, they're incapable of that but they are both infatuated with the Dark Lord, so I guess it'll work out.

As for me finding a girl… Let's just say I'm not the most popular boy in school. The Marauders are my enemies here at Hogwarts, their life aim to make my life as difficult as possible, which they have done very well. I hate Potter the most of all. Once upon a time, Lily used to share that emotion with me. Now the only emotion we feel together is loss. Of a friend, of a companion.

Potter and his cronies cause me no end of trouble. But our stupid rivalry will change when the war comes. I think I'll miss it. It's a beautiful thing to hate someone so easily and for them to hate you right back. Comforting. Like nothing has changed.

But it has, many things have changed and I don't how much longer I can ignore it. I think of Lily. Will she ever forgive me for what I'm about to do? The voice in my head says no, but my heart, always the foolish one, says yes. I'm willing to risk it.

* * *

I tie her to the post, shivering with fear. I don't want to take off her blindfold; we had so many conversations without saying a word just by looking at each other's eyes. I try to tell her that it will be okay, that I'll get the spells wrong for her sake but she won't stop struggling. She looks at me eventually, but with pure loathing.

What am I doing? This is the girl I love. How could I do this to her? Bellatrix comes forward from the shadows and I pull myself together. They must not see me weak, only strong and cold.

Bellatrix teases and torments Lily with words before ushering me forward, to practice my spells. I look at the list. The first is one for bruising.

"_Livoremplenium."_

Almost at once, large ugly bruises appear all over her arms, making her curl her back in pain. Bellatrix laughs and tells me to do another, more painful this time, grimly I agree.

"_Mordeo!_"

This spell creates stings all over your body, until you turn blue almost. Well, that's what happened to the bird I tested on. They're not just ordinary stings either, they have venom. Bellatrix is absolutely delighted at this spell, she runs forward, investigating the damage.

"Perfect! The Dark Lord will be pleased!"

"Wait," Lucius says. "This is Snape we're talking about, I'll bet he has an even worse spell up his sleeve, worse than petty stinging curses and bruising charms."

I hesitate, because he's right. I do have a spell which last time I used, I wasn't able to undo. Bellatrix looks at me curiously.

"Go on, Snape! Do your worst!"

I look at the paper before clearing my throat. I send apology signals to Lily's eyes but she stares back at me, her eyes holding only one thing- coldness.

"_Sectumsempra_!"

The minute I say it, Lily collapse as far as her binds will allow her as blood gushes out from her arm. It doesn't stop. She screams, the sound chilling me to the bone. She'll bleed to death, I know it. Bellatrix stops and stares at Lily. Utterly shocked.

"Well, it seems as though Snape has shown his true colours," Malfoy smirks.

"We'll leave you to clear it up," Bellatrix sweeps out, grinning broadly. "Don't forget to tell me if you come up with any more spells!"

I won't. I'm never creating a spell ever again. I slash through the binds with my wand and hold Lily in my arms. No. She can't die at my hand, that can't happen. Without thinking, I cast another spell, one I learnt a long time ago.

"_Anima medela_."

I can't remember exactly what the spell does, just that it will stop her bleeding. It's a curing spell but it won't completely cure her, no spell could do that. I watch as she drifts from consciousness. I pick her up easily and carry her to the door. It doesn't even occur to me that there could be somebody on the other side waiting. Her heart is still beating and that's all that matters. I'll never hurt her again, never. I'll do whatever I can to help her. Just as long as I never see her like this again.

As the door opens, I come face-to-face with Potter. I scowl at him, almost forgetting Lily is in my arms.

"Move aside, Potter," I spit.

"What have you done to Lily?" he looks completely horrified, seeing Lily soaked in her own blood, gallons of it. The cut on her arm drips blood feebly.

"That's none of your concern," I turn down the corridor but Potter stops me.

"What did you do to her?"

"It's none of your business. Lily wouldn't want you to interfere, like she hasn't for the past few months," he looks at me blankly, "she hasn't told you? Lily and Bellatrix have a feud, it's a private matter."

"No, it's not. That bitch Bellatrix cut Lily's arm and now y-you've done something to her! You haven't… You wouldn't…"

"She's not dead," I say shortly, but the truth is that I'm not sure.

"Let me take her to the Hospital Wing."

"No! She doesn't –"

"I don't care, Snivellus. This is no time for petty duels, Lily's life could…" he can't bring himself to say it.

I let him take her body and watch him run down the corridor, taking my one and only love in his arms. Now, I wonder why I let him take her. Maybe I didn't trust myself, or maybe I couldn't bring myself to admit to Lily when she wakes that I was the one who did it. No doubt Potter will take the pleasure in telling her it's my entire fault. If she survives. Narcissa was right; the best thing to do is keep the Dark Lord happy. Maybe then, Lily won't get hurt anymore. It's my responsibility to keep her safe from the Dark side.


	18. Jump on the Knight Bus

**A/N:**** Hello! I hope whatever you've been doing, it was great and if you're having a bad day then I promise eventually things will get better. Strong people carry on! Anyway, as you know, J K Rowling owns the Harry Potter franchise and I thank you for reviewing, favourite-ing and following. It is super-mega-foxy-awesome! I digress, enjoy!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I cannot believe it, it hasn't even been _48_ _hours_ and she's already back in the Hospital Wing. Worst of all, besides the fact that she's lost almost all of her blood, is that Madam Pomfrey has no idea what caused the wound to bleed so much. There is only one conclusion: a spell. I'll bet Snivellus made a spell and used it on her.

Madam Pomfrey listened to my story where I found Lily in Snivellus' arms. She raised her eyebrows but didn't question what I'd seen. After a short while, Moony enters the Hospital Wing. When he sees Lily, he pales.

"What happened to her, Prong?" he manages to stutter.

"I don't know, I saw her in Snivellus' arm a while ago. She was drenched in her own blood and fading fast…"

"Merlin…" Moony breathes, watching Lily's chest go up and down with shallow, raspy breaths.

"Madam Pomfrey's been doing her best but she's lost so much blood. We… We weren't sure if she'd pull through. We're still not sure."

"Professor Dumbledore…?" he asks, hopeful.

"Away on business."

I try not to break down, but I don't succeed.

"Prongs, I'm sure… I'm sure there's a way. Madam Pomfrey's never failed before and there've been loads of people much worse off and they're fine now. Lily… Lily will be okay. She's tough. She won't… She won't…" he can't choke out the words.

He doesn't have the heart to accept the possibility that she might not make it.

"This is all Snivellus' fault," I say bitterly.

"I don't know Prongs," Moony says uneasily. "I hate to say it, but Snivellus loved… _loves_ Lily as much as you do. He wouldn't do this out of spite."

I scowl. "He could never love her as much as I do. Never. Have you forgotten the Epiphany of the Soul? That happened to _me_ not him. He doesn't love her like I do. If he did, he wouldn't have let me take her here, he would have done it himself. He wouldn't have cursed her with whatever that was. He wouldn't have caused her so much pain."

"There are different kinds of pain, Prongs."

"I know… But nobody can cause a human being so much pain. It isn't possible."

"What I'm trying to say, Prongs, is that there's physical pain like cuts and bruises but when the people you love or loved are causing the pain, it hurts a million times more."

"So you're saying… Lily loves Snivellus."

"Not in the way you love her," he says hastily, "but yes, I think it's safe to say that she loved him in some sort of way. But… that's Lily. She loves everyone. Even the people she's never met. She just loves people and animals alike. She'd do anything to save a life, I know she would. That's just the way she is, she loves too much. You can't help liking her."

I feel a bond between Moony and I. He understands. I wrack my brain to think about what he's gone through, beside the whole werewolf thing, I couldn't think of anything. Then I remember… When Moony had transformed once, on a full moon, he had escaped into the forest. Lyall – his father- had barely recognised him and had called Moony as he was a werewolf, "soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death".

Moony told me that that's exactly what his father had said to Fenrir Greyback – the werewolf which had bitten Moony. I think Lyall thought Moony was Greyback, so he shouted the insult back at him but… Moony never really forgave his father for comparing all of his kind. It scarred him. He thought he was a monster, it didn't matter how much Hope (his mother) told him otherwise, he thought he was soulless, evil and deserving nothing but death. Though Lyall apparently told him that he wasn't like that, I don't think it was whole-hearted. Nevertheless, Lyall loves Moony. It's just… Having a werewolf son can't be easy.

The fact that Lyall said that reminds me of Snivellus calling Lily a Mudblood. They both meant it, sort of, it was energy and anger towards a situation which they had no control over. Lyall because it wasn't fair that he had to move from town to town every time somebody noticed their son's strange behaviour and Snivellus because he can't be with Lily and be accepted because of her blood heritage and there's nothing he can do to stop society working the way it does. They both share that, I suppose, they both are frustrated with the society we live in which doesn't accept the people they love. So they let the anger and frustration build up inside them and one day… It just snaps. They take it out on the wrong people and those people find it very hard to forgive them because Lyall and Snivellus meant what they said, sort of.

I imagine that Lyall is angry with his son, even if it is illogical to be. Maybe he thinks that if Moony didn't do something weird every time they moved, then he could have a normal life. Maybe Snivellus thinks that if Lily didn't care so much about people and didn't over think everything then he could run away with her and there would be fewer problems. Both are equally selfish but that's just the way some people are. Most people. I think like that sometimes. As for Moony and Lily, the words hurt them because they feel guilty. They think the words are true just because someone they love said them. Perhaps this is why Moony and Lily are friends. What if the reason Lily goes is because she doesn't feel she'll do any good on Earth? No, she knows there are people who love her. Moony should know that, too.

"Moony… You know, one day, you'll find someone. I know you will because you're an amazing person."

"Thanks Prongs, but I wouldn't inflict that pain on anybody. My parents… They had to put up with it because I'm their son but… It would be easier and kinder if I remained alone. It's bad enough you guys are in on it. Not that I'm not grateful, because I am."

"Look, Moony, you're not a monster and if there are girls who care about that, then they're not worth it."

"Cheers, Prongs," he smiles but I can tell he doesn't completely believe it.

At that moment I can't help feeling at peace with the world. I feel like I finally understand and I think that Lily will live. In fact, I am certain.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

I can't carry on with this. I can't but I must. The Dark Lord said that if, when the time does come, I personally take care of one of his 'souls' and hide it at the end of the battle, then he will grant Lily temporary immunity. I did some research, as it turns out, the Dark Lord has delved into Dark Magic more than I thought. He's been creating horcruxes, last time I checked, there were five. Now, perhaps there are six but I know what the Dark Lord longs for. Seven horcruxes, seven being a magic number. But the evil required to do such a thing is unimaginable, I suppose the Dark Lord has been heavily watered down by others. We were all under the impression that the Dark Lord was simply twisted, willing to lead the fight and was on our side. I see it's much more than that, he is the most talented wizard I've ever seen.

I'm relatively certain that Nagini, his snake is a horcrux. But what else? As powerful as the Dark Lord is, and he's getting stronger, I know he has a weakness. I don't want to fight this war but I must. I may not agree with his motives, but he must not doubt my loyalty. If he does, Lily and my mother are in danger. I must do this to protect them.

"Severus?" it's Narcissa, she's wearing her dressing gown as its quite late.

"I couldn't sleep so I came down here…"

"It's okay, I couldn't sleep either," she sits beside me.

We have a new-found understanding of one another. I can see why she does what she does and I think she sees why I hold back. Neither of us wants this war but we have to fight it anyway. I notice she has a bruise on her cheek. I scowl at it. Narcissa puts her hand to it tentatively.

"It's nothing," she says.

"Lucius?" I ask her.

"Maybe," she purses her lips. She doesn't like to talk about him.

"I don't understand why you're with that creep," I mumble.

"I love him," she says, quietly.

"How? He hurts you… and he's cruel."

She laughs a little. "Everybody can be cruel."

"Yes, but not everybody is."

"True, but we all hurt people. Sometimes without knowing," she says sadly, as if she's been thinking about it a lot.

"How's Bellatrix?" I ask.

"I wouldn't know," she replies, tightly.

"Did you two have an argument or something?"

"Believe it or not, but yes. Over the same thing we argued about."

"Lucius?"

"Yes, Bella thinks his family are a load of cowards," she sighs. "If only she could just accept him. He's loving and kind, really. He's a Pureblood, distantly related, yes but he has a good heart."

"I don't know who you're talking about because that sounds nothing like him."

"I think this war is turning people cold. I miss the times when everything was so easy. Before Bella became…" she can hardly choke out the words.

Narcissa rarely talks about before. Before her sister Andromeda was disowned because she had a Muggle boyfriend and before Bellatrix pledged her allegiance to the Dark Side. I guess Narcissa's playful childhood ended pretty much when Bellatrix turned 12 and Bella became devoted to all things evil.

"I suppose all that matters is that you're happy," I say after a while.

"Really?" she asks.

"Yeah, if you're happy with Lucius even though you could do way better, then that's your choice."

"I can't remember the last time I did something for myself."

"Sadly, I can remember the last time I did. But this is different, Narcissa. This is something _good_. When the war is over, it would be nice to have a person to go back to, wouldn't it?"

"Yes, it would," she says wistfully. "You know, when I'm older I want a family. It could be dangerous to have kids but… if we win. Then I could have a family of my own. My own house. Just imagine it. I could have a boy and a girl, I always imagined that. A boy called Draco and a girl called Cassiopeia. After my Great Aunt Cassie, you know. She was kind."

"Wasn't she Potter's Aunt?"

"Probably, you know how it is with Pureblood families. Yes, her sister was Dorea, Potter's mother. But Great Aunt Cassie was not a Blood-Traitor or anything. She was always lovely to me and Bella, 'Dromeda too. Merlin, I miss 'Dromeda. Despite what Bella says and my mother, 'Dromeda was nothing but lovely. She always took care of me, before Bella could be bothered to do so."

I look away, Narcissa's tears seem private. That's the thing with Narcissa; she loves her family, no matter their blood status. So why is she fighting against blood status if blood doesn't matter? I have no idea. But if she loves her family, then she must love Potter and Sirius. Which makes me slightly angry but Sirius has been disowned- him and Andromeda both.

"I'm sorry, Severus. I didn't mean to break down like that. I shouldn't care anymore, Bella says, I'll only get hurt. I try not to care so much but… it just doesn't feel_right_. Nothing feels right anymore…"

"Narcissa…" I try to comfort her but I don't know how.

"Snape," Lucius himself appears on the stairs.

"Malfoy," I acknowledge.

"Not making my lady cry, are you?"

"Not at all, Lucius. I'm fine now," Narcissa says but her voice betrays her.

Lucius comes down the stairs and sits beside Narcissa.

"Scram," he hisses at me and I oblige.

I get up and leave, looking back to see Lucius wrapping his arms around Narcissa. She leans into him and sobs into his shoulder. Lucius doesn't even bother to ask what's upsetting her. Recently, you don't need a particular reason to break down, the pressure is enough. I scowl at them, both jealous and angry. Lucius better not mess her around because Narcissa is a good person and the only person who's been nice to me as of late. I'm jealous because I wish I had someone who'd be there after the war. Instead, I'm alone. Watching my one true love slip away from me.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

Moony and I have been beside her for at least three hours. Padfoot has dropped by from time to time but he's been sleeping mostly. Lazy git. Right now, all of us Marauders and Marlene and Alice are crowded around her bedside. Padfoot has kicked his feet up onto the bed. So casually, it's almost rude. He says Lily would want him to be comfy, so I let it slide.

"What's going on between you two?" says Marlene after a long silence.

"Nothing," I say uncomfortably.

"Don't give me that crap, something's happening. Lily's happier than she has been in ages, almost giddy. And when she's around you, Merlin, she can hardly get her words out."

"Are you joking? She still hates me."

"Are you serious?"

"Nope, I'm Sirius."

"Merlin, that's getting old, Padfoot," Moony groans.

"_Sorry_, just lightening the mood," Padfoot grumbles.

"Anyway, you're so called 'arguments' is otherwise known as flirting. It's horrible to watch. I just wish the two of you would jump on the Knight Bus and go out."

"'Jump on the Knight Bus'?" I ask.

"Yes, like 'jump in the deep end', be risky and go for it."

"You and your words Mar," Padfoot shakes his head.

"Oh, you love it really," Mar grins.

"Of course I do."

The two laugh together as if sharing some kind of private joke. The rest of us exchange looks.

"What?" Mar demands, seeing us.

"Nothing," Alice says. "It just seems that James and Lily aren't the only ones who should, how did you put it, 'jump on the Knight Bus'."

"Sirius and…" she stutters.

"For Merlin's sake, just kiss," we turn around to see Lily smiling at us.

"Lily!"

We all marvel at her conscious state and ask her how she is, which isn't too great but still. Madam Pomfrey is so amazed she doesn't even bother to chuck us all out which is a miracle in itself. It feels good to have her back, we all missed her.

"Can you remember anything?" Moony asks.

She frowns. "Unfortunately, yes."

Then she tells us everything, about Snivellus and his spells (just as I suspected) and Bellatrix and Malfoy. I can't help feelings lightly responsible, if I hadn't got on her nerves she wouldn't have walked away and she wouldn't have encountered Snivellus. I could have protected her. As for this blood loss spell and Bellatrix, I just don't know what to do. This just turned serious.

Madam Pomfrey ushers us out insisting that Lily needs rest. Once we're out of the Hospital Wing Moony turns to us.

"Making her body hair grow uncontrollably sounds too tame, now," he says.

"Yeah, it does. It sounds very lame to do something like that when they did _that_ to Lily," Padfoot says.

"What should we do then?"

For once, the Marauders have no idea. But one thing is quite clear. The war is very quickly approaching and when it does, we'll all be ready to fight.

**A/N:**** Seventh year will come soon, I solemnly swear.**


	19. Jealousy and Advice

**A/N:**** I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling. Thank you once again for your support and love, I know I keep saying it but it's true! Thank you to my sister, who's stuck with this and given me the motivation to carry on. Also, thank you for reviewing, that too gives me motivation. Anyhow, I'm rambling. Enjoy and have a nice day!**

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

Narcissa and I are sitting on a bench outside in the grounds of Hogwarts. Narcissa is crying, again. This time, it's about this job Lucius has to do for the Dark Lord. She's scared he won't be able to do it and that he won't come back alive if he does succeed.

"…I just m-miss him. H-he's the only boy I've ever loved and now he could be gone f-forever," she sobs into her hands.

"Don't say that, Narcissa. You know Lucius, he might be the world's biggest ignoramus but he has some basic survival skills and a brain. If he used his brain more often perhaps he wouldn't rely on you so much."

Narcissa laughs a little through her hands.

"He's not an ignoramus. He's smart, just last week; he got 80 out of 100 on his Transfiguration test. If he can do that, then I'm sure he'll be able to do this."

I don't have the heart to tell her he cheated, not when she's getting positive and happier.

"Thank you for being here, Severus. I know it's hard, what with Lily and all but if she can't be bothered to be your friends then that's her loss."

I smile weakly. "I don't know, Narcissa. I said some pretty disgusting things, if I could; I'd take them all back."

"But you can't," she points out.

"No, but I still have a choice. I can't give up on her, Narcissa. I love her and somewhere, deep down, I think she knows. I think maybe she could love me back. I never meant her any harm but… it's that Potter. If he wasn't always there, like some chivalrous knight with his ostentatious ways and theatrical performances, maybe I'd stand a chance."

"You can't blame one person for everything, Severus. Hate is an awful flaw to have, you know. Holding grudges… it won't get you anywhere good."

"Yes but Potter –"

"Let's not talk about him," Narcissa interrupts. "I don't like him any more than you do, but channelling all my energy into hate towards one person is exhausting."

We sit in silence for a while.

"Why do you stay with Lucius? I mean, it's your dream to have a family. Can you see him as the sort of guy who'd make a good father?"

"Actually, yes," Narcissa says, quite certain. "I told you, you don't know him like I do. Nobody does. He's a good man, a little controlling perhaps, but he wouldn't try to oppress me. He respects me."

"Really? He respects you enough to give you bruises?"

Narcissa narrows her eyes at me.

"That's none of your business, Snape. I wish you'd leave him alone, what's he ever done to you?"

She gets up and leaves. I know she's upset, otherwise she wouldn't have called me 'Snape' which is always what Lucius calls me. I worry about Narcissa, despite what she says, I don't think Lucius is a good man. He's way too controlling, Narcissa can hardly get a word in. He doesn't respect her at all and she just doesn't see it. Bellatrix strides toward me, people move quickly out of her way and scatter.

"Snape," she scowls at me. "What did you say to my sister?"

"Why are you taking this out on_ me_? It's Malfoy's fault!"

"What's that good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch done now?"

"Hell if I know, I don't like him, he hurts her."

"Me neither. Merlin, there's something we can agree on."

"Statistically that was bound to happen."

"Watch it, Snape. I still don't trust you."

"Gee, thanks."

"Watch your back, Snape. You really don't want to make enemies."

"We're all on the same side, though."

Bellatrix laughs. "Is that what they tell you?"

She walks away, still cackling maniacally. Over in the distance, I can see Lily wrapped in about a dozen layers, sitting on a bench laughing at something Marlene said. I'm surprised she's out and about so quickly but she's tough. I watch her as she pulls her hat over her head. It's the hat she spent ages knitting a couple of years ago; I have a scarf made by her in my draw somewhere. I remember that Christmas very well. I feel my heart pounding against my chest, emptiness exploding inside me.

I walk over to a closer bench and watch Alice and Marlene have a snowball fight, Lily doesn't join in, but she shouts encouragement. I'm smiling with her; she always had that effect, when she smiles you smile too. When she's upset, you want to make it right. Yet another thing I miss about her.

Just at that moment, the Marauders swagger over to where the girls are. Potter leading, as per usual. My smile instantly fades but Lily's remains. Potter sits next to her and she slides away but he just drags her back again. I can practically feel my eyes go green. How dare he? How dare he trick Lily into thinking he cares about her? He doesn't, she must know that, he's kisses loads of girls; she's just another one of his conquests. And yet, there's something so off about him. He's blushing as Lily re-wraps his scarf and she blushes right back when he pushes her hair away from her face.

Black, well ex-Black, since he's been disowned but I don't like calling him by his first name. Like I respect him or like him. Anyway, he throws a snowball at Potter and yells something vulgar at him. Potter springs up and chases him, throwing a dozen snowballs at Sirius' back. Lily is joined at the bench by Mar and Alice. She flushes some more at what they're saying and protests. I walk away because the scene makes me too sad. She was once my friend but she is still my only love. If only she felt the same way.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"Oh, you love him, admit it!" Mar says.

"I do not."

"What was that then?"

"I don't know what you're on about."

"_That_, just then! You blushed, aw, I don't know why you two don't kiss."

I play with the loose threads on my homemade scarf, the stiches coming loose. I fiddle with them because the truth is that I want him to kiss me but he's technically got a girlfriend. Melanie Clearwater and he can be seen walking the grounds and kissing. It makes me a little wary when I'm around him. It's all I can do not to strangle him when he's kissing her.

"He has a girlfriend, Mar."

"Details details," she dismisses. "As if that even _matters_. May I remind you that both Sirius and I were in several relationships when we hooked up."

"You're such a player, Marlene!" Alice scolds her, smiling.

"What can I say? Guys are just drawn to me," she jokes.

"And girls," I say.

"Something you wanted to tell us, Lil?"

"_Well_…"

We crack up with laughter, it's not even that funny but Marlene and Alice have a way of making me hysterical.

Melanie comes over and drags James behind a tree and they start snogging. We all turn to watch them, they cause quite a scene when they're together. They don't care who sees what. Which is… brave, I suppose? Sirius retches in disgust, Remus lifts his eyebrows, Peter watches, transfixed and Alice and Marlene pull faces of contempt. James finally comes up for air and sees us all looking at him he hastily wipes lipstick off of his face and says goodbye to Melanie. Melanie blows a kiss before leaving.

I look at the floor. Maybe I was wrong about James. It's just that he was asking me out for so long and the stuff he does makes it look like he likes me but he does that for all his girlfriends and generally all girls so I can't be that special. I thought we could have been something. I don't know, it's too confusing but most of all I'm feeling _anger_ – at Melanie and at Potter and there's another emotion I can't quite place, one I've never felt before.

"Nice to know you love your girlfriend, Prongs," Sirius says.

"Excuse me," I mutter as I leave the grounds, anger the other emotion I can't put my finger on bubbling inside me.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"_Well done_, James!" Marlene says, scowling.

"What did I do now?"

"For the love of Merlin! Boys are so _blind_."

Marlene and Alice run after Lily, leaving me utterly bewildered.

"What did I do?" I ask.

"Seriously? You just kissed Melanie Clearwater right in front of Lily. Don't you think that speaks for itself?" Moony says.

"Yeah, but she doesn't care, right? I'm an 'arrogant toerag' according to her."

Moony shakes his head, disbelievingly.

"Don't you see it, Prongs?"

"No!"

Moony shakes his head again and walks away. Padfoot follows and Wormtail scurries after them. I still don't get it. _Women _\- always so cryptic. All I did was kiss Melanie, so why is everyone making such a fuss? I turn to find Molly Prewett (cousin to Alice Prewett who is together with Frank Longbottom) standing behind me. I don't know her all too well, but I do know her brothers.

"Do you really have no idea?" she asks, her arms folded. Her expression says that she is completely unimpressed by me. I've never had such a negative reaction from a girl before – other than Lily Evans but that's different because she's my soul mate.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Now this is something I thought I'd never see. The infamous James Potter messes up with a girl."

"Are you going to tease me or are you actually going to help me?" I demand.

"If I'm feeling nice, I'll help you," she says, finally.

Her whole body radiates back-off waves, but I'm not unaccustomed to these – Lily does this all the time and yet I'm not discouraged from loving her.

"So are you feeling nice?"

"Maybe, but I'll help you on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You don't hit on me and you don't tell Arthur I helped you."

"That's two conditions."

"I'm sorry, do you want my help or not?"

"Fine. I agree."

"Good. Firstly, if it was your plan to make Lily jealous, then it worked. Secondly, I must say that –"

"What? She can't be _jealous_! I mean, it's Lily. She hates me."

"Boys," Molly rolls her eyes. "Of course she's jealous. She likes you and she thinks you like her so when she sees you kissing Melanie, she confused. She wants to kiss you but Melanie is instead, so she's jealous. Lily's not used to misreading signs so she's frustrated for having wasted time thinking about you and she's ashamed for letting the whole thing happen. Not to mention that she's really pissed about not hating you, she's out of her comfort zone and she keeps trying to open up to you but you keep going out with girls, which made her back off a bit and now she's upset because she thinks the whole thing's pointless."

"You can tell _all_ that just by looking at her?"

"Yes, but then again, I'm used to feeling emotions." She narrows her eyes at me. "Unlike some."

"Hey! I'm a very emotive person."

"Sure, and I'm Dumbledore. Anyway, I wouldn't recommend finding her and apologising because she'll just bite your head off –"

"Don't worry, I'm used to it. She always forgives me in the end."

"I wouldn't be so cocky, if I were you. Lily isn't like the girls you date and then dump. She doesn't like being brushed aside like that. I would advise that you try not to be such a prick and maybe she'll come around."

"So I bring her flowers or what?"

"Merlin, no. Just stay out of the way, that's enough. If she wants to talk to you, then she will."

"I don't know if I can do that –"

"Then try," she snaps, "otherwise, you'll get damn near nowhere with her."

"Okay, no need to yell at me."

"Sorry, it's just you're so easy to shout at, very dislikeable."

"Thanks."

"Not meant to offend!"

"Don't worry about it," I mutter.

"I'm just used to saying what I think, normally it isn't that rude but I don't really like you."

"Then why help me?"

"Because I think you could be good for Lily and I care about Lily."

"I didn't know you were friends."

"We're not, but I care a lot about people."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure; my mother says I've always been hospitable and overly friendly, I welcome people into our home like they're family."

"Real friendliness you just showed me."

"I'm friendly to people I like."

"Why don't you like me?"

"You hurt people's feelings and you don't put it right."

"Oh come on! People are too sensitive."

"You shouldn't put people down so much, it's not nice."

"Well I don't have time to be nice to people."

"Don't give me that crap, anybody can be nice. I don't like and yet I helped you, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you told me all that. I wouldn't say that was particularly nice."

Molly scowls at me but doesn't shout or contradict me.

"You mentioned something about Arthur?" I say, not wanting her to get angry with me. She can be fierce and rather scary when she wants to be.

"Oh, he's just um, well, he's erm…"

"You like him don't you?"

She blushes. "Not really."

"Are you –?"

"No! He doesn't even know I like him."

"I could subtly tell him, if you like."

"No, that's okay. I want to do this myself."

"If you're sure."

"I am, it was good talking to you, James. You're not as much of a prick as I thought."

"Thanks, Molly."

She smiles as she walks away and I think over what she's said. Lily's jealous. Wow, there's something I never thought would happen. Could this epiphany be working it's magic that well already?

**A/N:**** Sorry, me again. I realise this is a bit of a 'filler' chapter. This is probably the last of the sixth year. Next chapter: seventh year! Get ready for Jily!**


	20. Superheros and Reunion

**A/N:**** Hello everybody! The usual disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does. Thank you for the wonderful support, there really is no greater feeling than opening my inbox to find it flooded with reviews and encouragement. This chapter is a little rushed, I'm sorry about that but I hope you enjoy. This is technically still sixth year but I feel like this summer holiday would be significant (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Does anybody even read these notes? Anyhow, enjoy!**

* * *

SIXTH YEAR SUMMER HOLIDAY

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

A Petunia-free holiday. That's not something you see very often, maybe I'm a terrible person for saying it, but I don't miss her at all. Well, I miss the _old_ her. I miss my sister, I do not miss the new Petunia who is engaged to a man called Vernon.

"…_engaged_ and she didn't even tell me, mum did. Not to mention the fact that when I got home, I discovered that she had taken the liberty of clearing out my room. All my memories – gone. She told mum she was just 'looking' after my stuff but in actual fact, she's got rid of it. That's not even the start of it; she's shoved all my magical books that I left at home in the broom cupboard. That sounds okay, but she knows I hate cupboards with all the spiders and claustrophobic space and the dust and the dark. Basically all the things I fear. Don't ask - I just hate dust and small spaces and spiders and the dark," that's an understatement, I'm terrified of those things.

"Furthermore, she redecorated my room as her own study. Not only did she clear all my stuff out, she put all her stuff _in_. On the door, she's put a sign saying '_no freaks allowed_' which wasn't even the worst of it. No, the worst of it was that for her wedding next year, she's decided that I have to wear this _hideous_ pink ruffle dress with a _yellow_ and _orange_ velvet cloak. And she's told everyone that I chose it. So I ran away, to Mar's house but she wasn't there. I was about to call the Knight Bus when my owl turned up and gave me a letter telling me to come to the Potter's. So, that's my story. How was your holiday, Remus?"

I sigh, it was good getting all of that off my chest. I can't remember the last time I talked to a magic being. I've missed Remus so much, it's unreal.

"That sounds awful. As for my holiday… not a lot happened. I went with Sirius to see his cousin Andromeda. That's Narcissa and Bellatrix's disowned sister. She and Sirius have had a bond since they both got disowned. Anyway, she's married now to Ted Tonks and she has a daughter, called Nymphadora. Nymphadora is about 3 or 4 years old now. Very pretty, lively and smart. She seems to have taken to me…"

I look at Remus intently, trying to decipher any messages in his eyes. There are none. Remus coughs.

"Yeah, so that was basically my first week. Five weeks to go and we get to spend them at the Potters!" he says cheerily.

I suspire, a little agitated by this.

"Don't worry about James, Sirius will be there as always and so will Peter and I. We'll stop him before he does anything bordering on creepy. And Marlene and Alice will be there, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Melanie Clearwater?" I ask.

"No," he shakes his head. "James got over her almost as quickly as he fancied her. No, but his girlfriend Lacy might be there. I wouldn't worry about her, though."

"Right," I mumble.

He looks at me, a slightly thoughtful expression on his face. He smiles a little.

"What?"

"Nothing, absolutely nothing at all."

"No, tell me."

"Fine, you and James, I think you like him more than you let on."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"Well, you're wrong."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Oh come on Lily, who are you kidding?"

"_No one_. I don't like him, he's an –"

"Arrogant toerag and you hate him, yeah, yeah."

"You don't believe me."

"Of course not."

"Why?"

"Because even you don't believe it yourself."

I scowl a little because I can't rebut a statement like that. Not when it's so unfairly true. I do like James but he still goes out with a load of girls, he's irresponsible, he still pulls pranks and makes trouble with the Marauders, he pushes me away every time I try and talk to him, he teases me and yet there's something about him which makes him so utterly perfect. I can't help loving him; despite everything he does which makes me hate him. God, it's so confusing.

Remus directs the Taxi driver down a road and he leaves us in a valley. I can see a building about a couple of miles away.

"It's quite a trek, I'm afraid. I would suggest magic but you're not seventeen yet and neither am I so… we'll just have to walk."

We walk for about five minutes in silence before I feel awkward.

"So… how's Severus?"

I pull a face because I spoke to him in the last week of term. He came to warn me about something and we slipped back into our old argument. Which went a little like this:

"I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just —"

"Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends... You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

For the whole year, I've been talking to him a little more and at first it feels fine, good even but then we always end up arguing. But because we're stupid, we keep trying to make it work because for a while, it did. If Severus hadn't called me a Mudblood… if he hadn't chosen the Dark side then maybe we could have stayed best friends. I hate to admit it, but Marlene was right about Severus. I wish I'd seen it earlier.

"He's fine," I say tightly.

"What is it, Lily?"

"Promise you won't say anything horrible?"

"I would never say anything horrible, Lily, not to you anyway."

"Good, because I've been talking to him an awful lot and when we start talking, it's all okay but after a while, it just feels wrong. He's not on my side anymore and he's not my friend and yet… I feel like he should be. I miss him in a crazy way, just like I miss my sister."

"It's not who you are underneath that defines you, it's what you do."

"That sounds wise, where's it from?"

"Batman," Remus says sheepishly.

"I didn't take you for a Superhero guy, Remus."

"Most people don't, but there it is. My secret has been revealed."

"Indeed it has."

"This is the part where you tell me a secret, just so you know."

"See if you can guess: 'I love talking about nothing, it's the only thing I know anything about'."

He looks at me blankly.

"He's a Muggle author. He also said this: 'experience is merely the name we give to our mistakes'. Or perhaps this one: 'always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much'."

Remus just looks more perplexed.

"Oscar Wilde! For God's sake, are you sure you haven't heard of him?"

"No, I don't really read Muggle fiction, Lily."

"What do you read, then?"

"Comic books."

"Of course," I roll my eyes. "Your secret."

We get a full view of the Potter's house, or should I say _mansion_? His house is huge, not like eight bedrooms huge, huge as in eight floors huge. I feel my mouth fall open.

"Didn't he tell you where he lived?"

"He said he lived in a _house_."

"Oh, not like him to be so modest. Anyway, we better go in. It's getting chilly."

I shake my head in amazement as we walk inside. The furnishings are an odd mix of old and modern but it works surprisingly well. The mansion is also very light and spacious. A woman I can only describe as Potter's mother greets us. Whilst she is obviously female, she has James' eyes. Mrs Potter looks considerably older than most Wizarding parents but age hardly matters for witches and wizards as we live so much longer than Muggles. Mrs Potter is elegant and very beautiful, she has the air of someone important.

"Hello, Remus! Are you well? Have you had a good holiday so far? Oh and you must be Lily! James has told me all about you; he never mentioned how pretty you were, though. JAMES! GET DOWN HERE AND GREET YOUR GUESTS!"

Mrs Potter pulls me in a tight hug before fussing with our cases. James and Sirius hurtle down the stairs and Mar and Alice appear from one of the many doors with great big smiles on their faces.

"LILY!" Mar and Alice attack me with hugs.

Mrs Potter gets James and Sirius to carry our cases into the living room.

"It's great to finally meet you, Lily. Come on through, I'll introduce you to my husband."

We enter a ridiculously massive front room. Mrs Potter seems lovely, she rambles on about how glad she is to have Alice, Mar, Remus and I because hopefully we'll calm the boy's spirits. As for Mr Potter, he's a kind and gentle man with a spark in his eyes. He has James' unruly hair and seems to share the boisterous and rebellious nature James has. Finally, everybody calms down and I say hello to Sirius and then to James.

"All right, Evans?" he asks, flashing his outrageously provocative smirk.

"Fine thanks, you?"

"I'm fine, better now you're here," he winks at me and part of me explodes with fireworks.

"Now, now James, anyone would think you didn't have a girlfriend."

An outstandingly pretty girl with curly blonde hair, bright red lips and a perfect figure walks down the stairs, a glamourous smile plastered on her face. Despite been beautiful, something about her is very fake and ugly.

"I'm Lacy," she says.

"Lily."

"I know, I've heard a lot about you," she narrows her eyes at me, like I'm an annoying piece of rubbish she can't throw away.

"Be nice, Lace," Potter murmurs.

"Yes, we wouldn't want our guests to feel unwelcome, now would we? James, dear why don't you show Lily her room? Lacy, would you help me with this pie?"

Lacy starts to protest but Mrs Potter is quite insistent. She winks at me before turning her back on us. I blush before following James up the stairs. I mean Potter, Christ why can't I just call him Potter?

"This is your room…" Potter indicates to a white door with the name _Lily_ engraved in gold. I notice there is one door for every friend he has.

"Do you often have guests?" I ask.

"Yes, before I was born, mum and dad were like a sort of free hotel. People always stopped by, they still do. It's a sort of tradition. Mum was ever so excited when she heard you were coming, she couldn't wait."

"You told her about me?"

He shrugs. "Yeah, she doesn't like Lacy but then again, I don't really either."

"Then why –"

"Why am I with her? I don't know, she's good-looking, available and I am also all those things," he smirks. "So it just sort of happened. It's dragging on way too long, though but she wants to stay together. Shall we go down?"

We walk down the stairs in silence, me pondering everything he just said. When we get down, Alice and Mar are in an animated discussion about Quidditch, Lacy and Potter are snogging in the corner, Remus is chattering away to Mr Potter and Sirius sits next to me. We share a look of repulsion toward Potter and Lacy.

"You don't like Lacy either?" I ask him.

"Is that her name? I long since stopped bothering learning their names; they come and go too fast. As you your question, no. I don't like her and I think he's a fool to mess around with girls like her but who am I to judge?"

"Potter has a lot of girlfriends?"

"Yeah, a fair few but it never lasts."

"How long do you give Lacy?"

"Honestly? A couple of hours."

"Is that all?"

"Now you're here, he doesn't need a distraction. He still loves you by the way."

"He has a funny way of showing it."

"That's Prongs for you."

We sit in silence for a while.

"What's it like living here?" I ask him.

"Great, actually. I'm never bored, Mr and Mrs Potter treat me just like their son. It's better than anything I'd originally planned when I ran away."

There's a sort of angry squeal from the corner and Lacy marches out the door. Sirius whistles.

"That's a record, there Prongs. She only lasted a day."

"Oh dear, that's such a shame that's she left," Mrs Potter says, although she doesn't appear all to upset.

Mrs Potter beckons us to sit outside for lunch. If I thought the Lightwood Manor had a big garden, then I had definitely not seen the Potter's garden. It stretched for miles and miles, an endless equilibrium of beauty. I am in complete and utter awe, how could anything be this beautiful? So many flowers, a perfect view of the sky and the fresh smell of grass and mint leaves. There was something in the air which made me feel at home. I could spend all day just looking at the garden, probably longer.

We eat our sandwiches with all of the Potter's guests which turns out just to be the Marauders plus Alice, Marlene and I. The lunch is mildly entertaining and I can't help thinking that this is the best day of my life. Here with my friends, without a care in the world. Of course my luck was just too good.

A Ministry owl flies over our heads and drops a letter in my lap. Everybody freezes because whatever is in this letter is definitely not good news.


	21. Loss and Life

**A/N:**** Hello! The usual disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does. Thank you for the support with reviews and follows and favourites. I hope you enjoy this!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Gingerly, I pick up the letter. It appears to feel my presence and shuffles about in my grasp and tries to rise, I let it and it forms a mouth. A little bit like a howler, minus the aggression.

"Dear Miss Lily Evans, we are writing to inform you of an attack on Cokeworth, England. All houses are down to rubble and we recommend that residents find another place of accommodation. There was a Dark Mark above 87 Edwards Street before Ministry officials arrived, Mr and Mrs Evans and Mrs Snape are declared to be dead. The Ministry sends our condolences and sympathy in this hard time. Ministry investigators will arrive in approximately five hours to scan the scene and look for any evidence. We will keep all residents of magical blood informed of any changes, yours sincerely, Amanda Picklesnout, Department of Dark Arts and Defence."

The letter crumples to the floor, my heart along with it. Every fibre of my being rattles. It doesn't seem real, it can't be. Why would the Death Eaters target Cokeworth? Then I get it. They did this to get at me. It's my fault they're dead. I saw them only a few hours ago and now I'll never see them again. What about Spinner's End? Severus's mother. Why would they attack her if Severus is on their side? Maybe he swapped sides. Maybe he is my friend. What if this was what he was warning me about?

"Lily?" Mrs Potter looks at me concernedly.

"I – I need to – I can't…" I can't choke out my words.

I get up and run before they can see my tears. I run up the first two flights of stairs until I find a long hall filled with paintings, chairs and doors to various balconies, I probably would have been amazed by its magnificence if I weren't so wrapped up in my own grief. I hide behind one of the sofas and let the tears fall, I start screaming and can barely catch my breath. This was never supposed to happen. This would _never_ have happened if I'd stayed at home. I could have protected them or done something. Why did I have to be so selfish and stay at the Potters'? Why am I even here? I don't like James Potter and I think the Marauders are a nuisance. This is my entire fault.

They can't be dead. What even is dead? They're gone, but _where_ have they gone? How can life just end? What kind of person can bring it on themselves to end a life? Their lives may have been ended but mine feels at its end as well. Do people take this into account when they kill someone? That every person means something to those around them, every person is connected to others. We, as humans, need those connections. It's in our souls to attach to people, to love. If that is human nature, then Death Eaters cannot be human. You need love to survive, most people do, it's a human thing. Any reasonable human being would never kill another, it would be wrong. That person has a family, a job, a place to be, a life to live. Gone in a matter of seconds. The more I think about it, the shorter life seems to be.

Now I understand what adults mean when they talk about life being short and making the most of it. My parents were young still, they still had loads of life ahead of them. What if tomorrow is my last day? This war makes that possibility an almost certainty. I'm angry, all of a sudden. At the Death Eaters for killing my parents, at Severus for warning me but not actually doing anything about it, for his cowardice, at myself for my selfishness and at He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for starting the war which will end so many people's lives. I hate them all, myself included.

I start screaming angry words and then I feel my anger wholly dissipate only to be replaced with fear. What will happen next? What if I cannot carry on? What if I crumble away, disintegrate and become wrapped up in myself and my grief? What if I become consumed by it? How do I move on, move forward, find the light in the darkness, the silver lining? What if I turn into a monster?

The anxiety and worry replaces the fear until I transition back to my state of despondency and misery. My screaming becomes harsh, shallow breaths and then sobs. Pitiful, absolutely ridiculous and pathetic, Lily. There are people much worse off than you. Then suddenly, there are arms around me holding me tight.

"Lily?" the voice says.

"Go away. I need to be a-alone."

"No, Lily, you need to breathe," the voice sounds panicked and I try to breathe deeply.

When I finally get my breath back, I start crying, it's more controlled than my screaming and sobbing but it still hurts. The person rocks me and I cry into their shirt.

"It's going to be okay, Lily. I promise you, we'll get through this, you're not alone."

I look up to who has shown me this much kindness. James Potter. I don't even have the heart to tell him to piss off, in fact, I'm oddly glad he's here.

"I don't deserve your kind-heartedness, James. I should have stopped them, I shouldn't have come here, I was being selfish. I could have stopped it. I should have stayed at home –" the words are too much for me to handle.

"Hey, it's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done, if you'd stayed at home, they would have killed you, too. Your parents would want you alive, wouldn't they?"

His words don't really help. I'm not in the mood for him being right. Especially not over something like this. He doesn't speak again, he lets me cry. He doesn't try to offer his condolences or say he's sorry. He just sits there and supports me, which is more than enough. I don't want someone telling me everything happens for a reason, that they're somewhere better, that they're in heaven now or that they pity me. I don't want pity or sympathy. I want to carry on with my life and when people say those things, it stops me form moving on. It makes me think about it all over again, about what I believe happens when you die, where they are, how it happened, souls, heavens, hell and God or Gods. I don't know what to think about any of that, I have time for that when _I_ die. Besides, thinking about it gets me nowhere. You just go round in circles.

We must have sat there for a long time because when James took my hand and pulled me up, I felt stiff. I stride on down the hall, James catches up with me.

"Where're you going to go now?" he asks. I consider him.

"To my room, I'll clean myself up and then I think I'll go for a walk."

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asks. I shrug.

"I certainly wouldn't stop you, just bear in mind that I'm not feeling brilliantly sociable at the moment."

"Don't worry," he grins. "I've dealt with Padfoot when he's had a hangover. You can't be worse than that."

I smile, despite myself before running to my room. When I open the door, I find myself immersed in a wonderful white and pale blue room. The white curtains cover a large window which looks out on the garden, the bed is white painted metal with powder blue sheets and white pillows, the carpet is a light cream, the wardrobe, dresser and side-table are all white painted wood. I am awestruck. The Potters did this for me? I remember my old room, completely cleared out and replaced with Petunia's stuff. God, what about Petunia? I should find her, ask about the funeral. Where will I stay? I doubt Petunia would want em to stay with her and I don't want to live in a house with _Vernon_.

I push the thoughts from my mind – I'll deal with them later. I unzip my trunk and change into my favourite jeans (the ones I bought with my mother) and a green blouse (Petunia's gift to me one Christmas). I then wipe my face, let my hair down, grab my wand and run down the stairs to meet James.

James smiles broadly when he sees me. I can't help grinning back. He always manages to make me feel better somehow. He gives off a sort of aura which instantly makes me feel happy, giddy almost.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I'm worried about Lily but I'm also angry. We never got round to planning revenge on the Death Eaters but this is even more of an incentive to hunt them down. The war is approaching fast, I can feel it. The anticipation of blood shed and loss. I couldn't be more ready. Lily bounds down the stairs, her hair loose. She is the most beautiful person I've ever seen. My heart aches slightly. Her blouse hugs her tightly and I can't help staring slightly.

I think about all she's lost and I feel the anger rise again. I don't want to comfort her, I want to put it right. I want to get out there and try to heal her pain.

"Are you ready?" she inquires.

"Yeah."

We leave before anyone tries to follow us. I lead us down a path which leads into a woodland. It's not dark and creepy like the Forbidden Forest, but light and full of life. Lily and I walk in silence for a while.

"You broke up with Lacy," she says finally.

"I did."

"Why?"

"You seem curious, Evans. Not jealous, are you?" the question genuinely intrigues me.

"Of Lacy? No way, she had to put up with you," she says and I smile.

"Not for long though," I sigh.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"Don't be, I didn't really like her."

"Then why?"

"Hell if I know, maybe I wanted to get your attention," the truth is a gamble but maybe it could work.

she stops and stares at me. I blush.

"What?" I say, uncomfortable.

"Nothing, but why would you want to get my attention?"

"Well… we kind of had a few moments last year and I thought something would happen. We've been through a lot and then after you went to the hospital wing because of Severus' spell… Well nothing really happened. There were times when I thought I knew what you were thinking and then other times I had no clue. So I started dating again, it was the only way you'd pay any attention to me. I had some advice and I've stopped bullying first years and I don't pick on people anymore. I don't know…"

"I don't know what to say, James."

"Sorry, it was stupid. I'm being ignorant to other people's problems again, aren't I?"

"No! James, you had my attention way before you started dating. At first, I didn't really like you and I thought you were an arrogant twit with a way too big an ego. But after a while, I kind of warmed to you. It's just… I don't think I could handle a relationship. I'd mess it up somehow. Like I messed up with my parents and Petunia, my friendship with Severus and God knows what else."

"You didn't mess any of that up, Lily."

"I did, and I hate the world but I can't hate it. Loads of the people I love are still here and yet I feel like the world is a complete mess."

"It takes a great deal of courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it."

"Oscar Wilde," she says, surprised.

"Yeah, you like Oscar Wilde?"

"Yes! I didn't know wizards read Muggle stuff."

"They don't, not really. It's just, Oscar Wilde was so funny and yet so truthful at the same time. Wow, I didn't think you were into stuff like that."

"Oh."

We fall into a comfortable silence.

"James, can I tell you something which has been bothering me for ages?"

"Sure."

"I've been waiting for you to kiss me again and you never did, why?"

"Oh," I shift uneasily. "I didn't think you wanted to." That's not the real reason, I think. I didn't because I thought she's kill me if I did.

"_Boys_," she rolls her eyes.

She turn to face me and kisses me deeply.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

The kiss warms me up and somehow, I know how I'm going to carry on. I know what I have left to fight for.


	22. Proposing and Mix-ups

**A/N: The usual disclaimer, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling. Secondly, I would like to apologise for several things. The first one is the late update on this story which leads me to the second apology -this is late because nothing I wrote was of any acceptable quality and this chapter may also be of unacceptable quality. This is mainly because I had a serious case of writer's block.. Yeah, I know, excuses, excuses... Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

Lily and I pull apart after what seems like seconds but is more likely minutes perhaps even hours. The minute we part, I want to kiss her again. She goes red and I wonder why. Is she embarrassed?

"We should –" she starts but stops herself.

I break the silence and kiss her again, fire burning inside me. Her arms reach around my neck and my hands slide around her waist. The position just seems so right, like we fit perfectly together. Then I realise that we do, being soul mates. Then I remember the Epiphany of the Soul. Should I tell her? Lily notices that I'm a little distracted and frowns, studying my face anxiously.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asks, the worry in her voice almost makes me laugh.

"No, of course not. You're wonderful, you know that, Lily?"

"No, I'm not, James," she sighs. "My parents are dead, my sister hates me, Severus –" she stops herself.

"What about Snivellus?"

"Nothing," she says quickly. "We should go back."

I want to push her further, ask her more but I can't bring myself to do it. I take her hand and we walk back down the path. I wonder if her heart's racing as much as mine. I've always been relatively cool around girls but with Lily… she makes my tongue wrap around itself and I can't form words. It's so irritating. We're about to be within sight of the house when Lily turns to me.

"James, I don't know about you but I don't want to tell everybody straight away."

"Why not? Are you ashamed of us or something?"

"No, of course not! It's just. I don't know. I'm not ready for that, everybody talking about it."

"They won't, they're all too wrapped up in their own lives to care."

"You know them, they'll all be saying 'I told you so' and I'm going to mess this up, James. I'm not good at keeping the people I love safe and happy. I can't do it James, not yet."

I exhale, but I don't contradict her because maybe she isn't ready. I'd be a heartless person it force her to tell everybody after she's just found out her parents are dead. I guess I forgot because she's handling it well. I think.

"We'll tell them when we're both ready, Lily. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to."

She smiles weakly. We head up to the house and when we're almost at the door; Lily slips her hand out of mine. I have a half a mind to kiss her again but I don't. Marlene answers the door, her face sick with worry. When she sees Lily, she practically cries with relief and hugs Lily.

"We didn't know where you went! We were so worried and just after… Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry Lily. Come inside. MRS POTTER! LILY'S HERE!"

She puts her arm around me and leads Lily inside. Nobody even acknowledges me. When I reach the kitchen, I see my mother putting a cup of herbal tea in front of Lily who's wearing a blanket on top of all her other layers even though it's August. My mother shoos Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and I out of the kitchen so she can look after Lily. I try to protest but my mother isn't having it so instead I smile at Lily and follow Moony out.

"Where d'you go, Prongs?" Padfoot asks, his eyebrows stitched together.

"With Lily. She needed someone to talk to and I was prepared to listen."

"And she let you?" Moony says, miffed.

"Yes, I can be charming."

"Not with Lily, you can't," Moony scowls.

"What's your problem, Moony?"

"_Nothing_. I'm just surprised. Lily doesn't normally come to you for advice or to listen."

"You thought she'd come to you," I glower at him, murderously.

"No, but –"

"But that's what you meant, wasn't it? Why would Lily consult me, when she could consult you?"

"Now, now, gentlemen," Padfoot steps between us, "may I remind you that our darling Lily-flower has just lost her parents. If we could sort out this trivial disagreement later, it would be much appreciated. Neither of you are helping Lily by arguing. Just snap out of it and start acting like men. Lily needs support, people don't just 'get over' things, you know. She'll need time to heal."

"Seeing as you're the _expert_, Padfoot, what do you suggest we do?" Moony says irritably.

"I didn't claim to be the bloody expert, I'm just stating the obvious –like I normally do. Let's all go down to that coffee shop place in the town. We can get a drink, socialise. It might distract her at least."

"If you're so clever," Moony says and Padfoot rolls his eyes, "then why are we distracting her?"

"You expect Evans to talk about her feelings to bunch of guys whom she has hated for years because they cause nothing but trouble? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, Moony."

"I just meant that she might want to talk about it."

"When you lose your parents, the last thing you want to do is talk about it. That comes later when you've accepted the whole thing and got over the shock."

"You haven't lost your parents, Padfoot," Wormtail points out.

"They're as good as dead to me," Padfoot snaps.

We stand in silence for a while.

"Where is she going to stay now that her house is burnt down?" Wormtail pipes up after the long stretch of awkwardness.

"I don't know, Wormtail." I say, wearily.

"You mean you haven't offered her to stay here? You know your parents wouldn't mind."

"No, they'd be ecstatic but she might not want to stay here," I say, uneasily.

"Of course she will," Padfoot dismisses.

At that moment, Lily comes out of the kitchen. She looks at all of us and cocks her head to the side. We all go red, like you do when the person you're talking about turns up.

"Hello," she says.

We mumble greetings and Marlene comes out. She strides up to Padfoot, laces her hand in his and kisses him straight on the lips.

"See you later," she says before turning around.

Both she and Lily walk off to the garden to enjoy the evening sun. We turn and stare at Padfoot. Padfoot blushes. It looks like I'm not the only one in love.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Marlene and I walk into the garden. Alice joins us and we just relax and talk. I try to ignore the feeling inside me which feels like I'm ripping apart. I'm determined not to fall apart; I'll only have to pull myself together again which would be even more painful.

"I love Sirius," Mar says after what feels like forever.

"Long time coming," Alice huffs. "Now all we need is Lily to admit she loves James and the world will be at peace."

I look down at the floor and then at the sky. The sun goes down and stars come out. I look for the brightest two and smile to myself. If only Petunia were here with me, to share this. Maybe my parents are in the sky, watching us. Or maybe not. Maybe they're decomposing in the Ministry of Magic. Still, I miss my sister and I miss my parents.

"Are you okay Lily?" Mar asks. I exhale, not certain how to answer.

My standard answer would be 'fine thanks, you?' even if I don't feel fine. If you say you're not okay, then you have to explain and how can I possibly explain the feeling of the sky on my shoulders? Saying 'fine thanks, you?' is just so much easier. But I don't feel not-fine, I feel worse than that. I feel like my life has been torn to shreds and every living thing is an excruciating reminder of my loss. It doesn't even feel real, it's all a bit much. Too much all at once.

"Sorry, that was insensitive. Of course you're not okay," Mar curses to herself. "I'm not really good with this stuff, Lil. I've never lost anybody and I can't even imagine what it's like… I know you're sick of hearing this, but I am sorry. Not pity, I don't pity you. Who would ever pity Lily Evans? The prettiest and most talented witch in our school? No, I don't pity you, I just don't think its fair you're in this position and I can't do anything about it and I'm sorry that I'm not omnipotent."

I crack a smile. "Thanks, Mar."

We slide back into silence. Alice picks up a daisy and lets the petals fly off in the wind, Mar picks at her nail polish and I watch a bird fly to its nest.

"Amos asked me to marry him," Alice says.

We blink at her stunned.

"What?" Mar splutters.

"He asked me to marry him," she repeats.

"When?"

"A few days ago, he wrote me a really long and compassionate letter about what the future and what it could hold for us."

"And what, he just wrote 'will you marry me?' in a _letter_?" Mar says, incredulous.

"No, of course not! He just implied that that was what he was thinking. He wants to meet up in the nearby village. You know, the one the Marauders were talking about. I think he's going to ask me then."

"Wow, Alice! That's great!" Mar says, smiling and Alice looks at the floor. Mar's smile drops off of her face. "It is great, isn't it?"

Alice starts to cry. I look at Marlene, perplexed. She mirrors my expression.

"But it was going fine with him, you said –" Mar begins.

"Well I lied! I don't think I want this."

"What? But you've always loved him and you said things were going so well. You seemed to mean it. What's the problem exactly?" I ask her.

"I feel bad talking about this, Lily. Like my problems are worse than other people's problems and you've just lost your parents… No, I didn't want to say anything about the letter because it seemed stupid and I don't want to talk about it now because –this is vacuous. Talking about this. I just need to tell him."

"But Alice, you haven't said why you're not going to say yes," Mar says.

"Oh. Well I thought it was obvious, I don't want to be married. I don't even know if I love him anymore."

"How can you suddenly not love someone?"

"I don't know, it was gradual. I guess I never really loved him, he loved me. I was in love with being in love. He loved me, he thought I was beautiful, how could I turn that down? I thought that I'd learn to love him but –well, I want to try something different."

"So you're just going to say no?" I look at her, astonished.

"Of course not, I'll make him break up with me."

"How're you going to do _that_? He's enamoured of you!"

"Yes, but if he sees me doing something crazy, then maybe he'll break up with me."

"I think you're deranged, Alice. He'll never let you go. Besides, why don't you break up with him? He had that thing with Dorcas and he shouted at you. You said he was going to make the break-up look gradual. What about all the fights you had?"

"I know. He's nice, but he cares a lot about being seen as nice –you know, a good guy. He is and he deserves better. He should go out with Dorcas."

"Did he tell you that he broke it off with Dorcas?" I ask.

"No," her eyebrows stitch together. "What if he never did?"

"But if he never broke it off with Dorcas, then why would he ask you to marry him?" Mar points out.

"Unless…" Alice runs back to the mansion.

Marlene and I look at each other.

"I can't believe that. Amos and Alice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's hardly a match made in heaven, is it?" Mar says.

"No, but she seemed happy."

"Please," Mar snorts. "That girl hasn't been in a proper relationship. I'll bet he still has a thing going with Dorcas."

"You want them to break up?"

"It's what's best."

I think that over. Could everything change just because that's what's best? Alice comes rushing out of the mansion.

"IT WASN'T FOR ME!" she shouts, slightly shaken.

"What wasn't for you?" I ask as she gets close enough to hear me.

"T-the letter! It wasn't addressed to me! I just assumed… I didn't read the start of it. It was addressed to Dorcas."

I look at Mar and we share a look.

"What?" Alice asks.

"So he asked Dorcas to marry him, not you?"

"Yeah! He must have sent me the letter addressed to Dorcas," Alice says miserably.

"Hang on, isn't this a good thing? You wanted him to break up with you."

"Are you mad? That was because I thought he wanted me to _marry_ him. Now _I_ want to break up with _him_ and not the other way around. He can't cheat on me, not after everything we've been through. I'm sending him a howler."

Alice stalks away, the steam practically radiating off of her.

"I'm glad I'm not him," Mar mutters. I can't help agreeing with her. I stand up and walk with Mar to the mansion.

"So, what's your deal with James," Mar says.

"Erm. Complicated," I say truthfully.

"I see," Mar gives me a knowing look. I want to ask her what she means by that, but I don't.

Mar and I go up the stairs and part our separate ways. I go into my room and get changed into my pyjamas. I'm just about to get into bed when there's a knock on my door.

"Hello? Who is it?"

"It's James."

My heart pounds against my chest. "Come in."

He comes in, wearing an extremely cocky grin. I smile and my stomach feels like it's doing flips. He steps closer and puts his hands on my waist. I wrap my arms around his neck and I kiss him.

"I just came to see how you're doing," he breathes against my skin.

"It's not me you should be worried about, Alice is on a rampage."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it turns out Amos still has a thing with Dorcas."

"That's unfortunate, I feel sorry for him. Almost."

I smile at that. He kisses me again and the kisses become more passionate. I don't want to say 'snogging', that sounds too casual. In fact, when he pulls away, it takes all my strength to not kiss him again.

"Well… it's late. Good night, Lily," James turns to go.

"James, wait!" he turns around. "I-I wanted-what I'm trying to say is…"

I suspire in frustration. James smirks a little.

"Yeah me too, Lily, me too."

He walks away, I'm a little disappointed he didn't stay longer but I do need time to think and process everything that's happened. I don't know how James knows what I mean when I can't even get the words out myself, but he does. I wouldn't say I _loved_ him, at least not yet, but… but, there's definitely maybe something there.


	23. Hurt and Bad Jokes

**A/N:**** Hello again. You know what I'm going to say already... I don't own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit to J K Rowling, sorry for the late update and shoddy quality, etc. The new school year will be SOON, just don't ask when. Oh and corrections have been made (thank you again, Ranma's girl1, that was very helpful!).**

**Have an interesting day (I feel like I've said that a lot).**

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

I got the letter yesterday. My mother is dead, just like my father. So are Lily's parents. That was never the plan; neither was me crying all over Narcissa.

"I'm so sorry, Severus. This was never supposed to happen –"

"_Supposed to happen?_ They _promised_ Narcissa! They promised! They said they wouldn't hurt my mother or Lily. They _promised_. I did everything they asked, I made an Unbreakable Vow to do everything they asked. Why would they?"

"I don't know, Severus. I'm sorry, I really am, and this isn't fair. I know it's not, but Severus, you have to carry on. You've still got Lily –"

"She doesn't care about me! She thinks I'm a lost cause and that I've backed the wrong side. What if she's right?"

"Severus, look at me," Narcissa looks into my eyes. "I promise you now, Lily hasn't given up. Not yet. I don't think there is a 'right' side on this war. When the time comes, both will do equally as much killing. They call themselves the 'light side' but they won't treat us with mercy. There're worse than us, Severus, they're hypocritical Charlatans. Pretending to be just and fair," Narcissa spits, distastefully, "it's all an act. Besides, even if you are on the 'wrong' side, you're doing it to protect Lily. Think about it, Severus. If you leave us, then Lily has no chance of surviving. A Mudblood like her? She'll be squashed like a bug."

"Don't call her a Mudblood," I growl at her.

"Bella sends her apologies," Narcissa ignores my comment.

"What does she care?"

"More than you'd think! She may come across as… unpleasant," I snort at that, "but she does care. You're part of her side, she wants you alive."

"Great, she only cares about my Wizarding skills."

"Look," Narcissa says patiently, "that may be true but so what? Bella never cared about her family. She won't care if any of us die, but because we're all fighting for the same thing –a better world- then she does care. She needs us, the Dark Lord needs us. Everybody needs a family, Severus. Even you."

"Is that really what you think we're fighting for? A better world?"

"Of course, I need something to aim at, don't I?"

"War isn't going to bring a better future."

"Perhaps not, but there's going to be a war anyway, no matter what we do. I may as well side with the people who can guarantee my family's safety no matter what happens."

"You don't honestly believe that the Dark Lord will protect us?"

"I'm not saying this is an ideal situation, Severus. It's not ideal but I'm doing the best I can do given the circumstances. If I had more time, a different place… Merlin knows what I could do… but I need to carry on, I have people relying on me. I can't turn my back on Bella, Lucius. I can't. I have a duty to protect them, loyalty."

"Your family are a load of lunatics and murderers."

"Careful," she says, her eyes cold, "my family is also your family, Severus. They may have their flaws but they are still my family."

"I don't –"

"You forget I'm on your side, Severus. I'm trying to help you. I wish you'd appreciate that once in a while. I can't be everything all at once! You go on about freedom and doing what I want but I can't! I'm not backing down, I don't agree with everything the Dark Lord stands for but I'm not switching sides. I'm your friend, Severus. It's about time you sorted out your priorities."

She walks irately out the room. Great, another friendship I fucked up on. If only Lily were here, she'd know what to do. I wonder what she's doing now, what she's thinking. Does she hate me? Where is she staying? Has she gone to see the ruins yet? Who is she with? Is she as alone as I am?

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Nightmares visit me, Bellatrix cackling as Severus tortures me. I'm screaming but no one can hear me. I wake to the sun shining through my eyelids. There's a distant shouting which is rapidly approaching me, getting louder. I can't decipher what they they're saying –it's all white noise. Probably Dad and Tuney fighting about the wedding again. I have half a mind to tell them to shut up. Someone bangs on my door. Probably Mum.

"Go away!" I yell at the door, I really want a lie in –it is the holidays.

I open my eyes. I'm not at home, the whole room is white. Am I dead? Wait, no. I'm at the Potter's. Then it dawns on me like a tonne of bricks. My parents are dead. I'm not at home; my home has been reduced to rubble. Suddenly the sunny day seems like a joke. I sit up and grab my dressing gown. There's another bang on the door.

"Who is it?" I shout, with difficulty because all I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

"Sirius!" the voice roars back.

"What time do you call this?" I demand, opening the door.

"About eight in the morning," Sirius smirks. "Whoa Evans, just got out of bed?"

"What do you think?" I scowl at him.

"Alright, Evans, no need to get testy."

"What's all the shouting about?"

"Ah, that's Amos and Alice."

"_Amos?_ What's he doing here?"

"Uh, I don't really know. Mrs Potter let him stay which probably wasn't a good idea. Alice is just getting started. Last time I checked, she was throwing an expensive Chinese vase at his head."

"Oh for God's sake! Why didn't you stop her?"

"Why would I? It's hilarious!"

"Damn you, Sirius."

"Oh, before you storm down there, I'd recommend that you change into something else."

I look down at my pyjamas and catch my reflection in the nearby window. My hair is a mess and I look like I've been dragged through a hedge. Nobody'll take me seriously dressed like this.

"Right, yes…" I turn and slam the door before quickly changing into jeans, my blue blouse and a jacket. I brush my hair and pull it up before opening the door and rushing downstairs. It feels so good to be distracted.

I run down two flights of stairs before I reach the room they call the 'ballroom'. Alice has angry tears rushing down her face and Amos' face is red and irritated.

"How could you do this to me? You absolute bastard! I've had enough of you, of this."

"Alice, please, calm down. It was a simple misunderstanding –"

"_MISUNDERSTANDING?_ You were going to marry Dorcas! You heartless, authoritarian, dictatorial, manipulative player! I hate you."

"Alice, please," Amos tries to touch her arm.

"Don't touch me. Just get the fuck away from me."

"_Alice_."

"Go to hell," she sneers at him.

I march in-between them.

"Okay, Alice-"

"What d'you mean _Alice_? Who's side are you on?" she demands.

"Yours, of course," I turn around and punch Amos square in the face. "Nobody hurts my friend."

Mrs Potter nurses Amos' face. She squeezes some antiseptic onto his nose, Amos winces.

"Sorry," she says, too cheerily to be sincere.

We're all sat around the kitchen table, Marlene on Sirius' lap, Alice as far away from Amos as possible, Remus next to Alice, then Peter, then me, then James. We're so close to each other I can practically hear his heartbeat. My own heart quivers a little.

"It's not broken," Mrs Potter says, "but possibly fractured. You'll be fine."

"Thank you, Dorea," Amos says, scowling.

Mrs Potter leaves the kitchen. All our eyes fix on Amos. He whimpers nervously.

"I should go," Amos says after a while.

"Yes, you should," Alice snaps at him.

"I'm sorry," he says, his eyes shine hopefully.

"Don't give me that, your charm doesn't work on me anymore. You cheated on me with Dorcas. You said it was over between you two. You lied _and_ cheated. Not to mention planning on _marrying_ her when I'm still your girlfriend. When would you have told me? When you two had already got married?"

"No! I would tell you, I promise I would."

"I don't believe you," Alice says.

"Look, Alice I love you."

"If you love me, then why would you marry Dorcas?" Alice's eyes well up with tears.

"I don't know! Dorcas… she's really amazing, level-headed, intelligent –"

"If she's intelligent, she'll leave you. Does she know about you and me?"

"Of course, everybody knows about us."

"Why didn't you break it off with me and just go out with her?"

"It would've broken your heart."

"There's more damage done when you lie about it, Amos. It would have been kinder just to split up."

"I'm sorry, you're a lovely person and you're pretty. You'll find someone."

"You're choosing Dorcas over me?"

"Erm," he smiles awkwardly, "yes? She's beautiful. No, that's an understatement - she's super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot."

"This is all over looks?" Alice says, her voice catching.

"Duh," Amos rolls his eyes, "what did you expect? Me to love you for just the way you are? No. You're funny… and cute. But if I have to choose, then…"

"I don't believe you, Amos. Get out."

"Oh come on! What did I do?" he protests.

"OUT!" Alice shoots hexes at him and he runs out of the mansion at top speed.

Alice turns; her anger disappears and is replaced with tears. I get up and lead her to the drawing room. She sits down and cries into her hands. Mar appears behind me.

"I can't b-b-believe I wasted so much time on him," she sobs.

"You're not to blame, Alice. Amos is a dick. Be happy you're rid of him."

"I suppose," she says, glumly, "but I can't believe the whole thing was over _looks_. Are all boys that shallow?"

"Not all," Mar says, "but a fair few. Same for girls, really. You will find someone who cares about _you_ as you are. It may take a while but I think everybody has a soul mate."

There's a click in my brain… an Epiphany of the Soul. Could it be linked to having a soul mate? Does that mean that James and I…? No, I refuse to believe in _soul mates_. As if the future can be set in stone like that. Besides, James isn't a soul mate sort of person. Still, he would be my soul mate. With me forever. But what about the rest of my life? I love James but I've never been in love before. Look at Mar, she's been in love hundreds of times, or mildly attracted. Whatever you call it.

"How do even find soul mates?" Alice asks.

"I dunno, I guess it's all just chance…and fate. I met Sirius."

"You're serious about that?" Alice asks.

"No, he's Sirius," she grins and we groan. "Yes, I am serious about our relationship. I think we have something. Now all we've got to do is survive this war and the two of us can live happily."

There seems to be a dark mood hanging in the air – my grief mixed with Alice's hurt. Mar coughs.

"Okay, let's lighten the mood… I'll tell a joke. How do you count cows?"

"I don't know, how do you count cows?" I ask, slightly amused.

"With a cowculator."

I raise my eyebrows at that.

"Like you could do better," Mar says.

"Maybe I can. There's two fish in a tank, and one says 'How do you drive this thing?'"

Alice snorts. "I expected a little better, Lil."

"Oh really? How about this one: why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?"

"I dunno, why?"

"They're really good at it."

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot?" Alice asks, considerably cheerier now.

"A carrot," I say dryly.

"Ooh! I've got a good one. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame."

"I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his very expensive diamond watch and said, 'I want you to try and sell this to me.' So I put it in my pocket, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, 'Bring it back here right now!' I said, '£100 and it's yours.'"

"How about this one: a man with a few mental issues walks into a dentist's office. He says, 'Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!'

'You think you're a moth?' the dentist asks.

'Yes!'

'Well you don't need a dentist... you need a psychiatrist.'

'I know,' says the man.

'Then what are you doing here?'

'Well, you're light was on, so...'"

I laugh a little at that one. Our joke competition seems to be going well, they're as awful as each other.

"What's brown and sticky?" Mar asks.

"A stick," Alice grins.

We collapse into giggles at our outrageously bad senses of humour. It's hilarious but I don't know why. What even causes you to laugh? There's a knock at the door, Sirius pokes his head around the door.

"Hello, we're all going to the café in the local village, you coming?"

"Yeah, we might as well. Oh! I have a joke about that. So, a man rings up the local gym and he says 'is this the local gym?' and the man on the other end says, 'I dunno, it depends where you're calling from'."

"That's appalling, Evans. Terrible."

"We don't all have a mordent sense of humour," I retort.

"Easy with the insults, Evans. Anyone would think _you _were the mordent one."

I poke my tongue out at him. We all get up and head out. The village doesn't feel local at all, it's about four or five miles away but we walk anyway. Mar retells all of our jokes and Remus politely laughs at every single one. Peter howls with hysteria at the jokes, which isn't surprising.

James and I bring up the rear; he laces his hand in mine.

"Someone'll see," I whisper in his ear.

"I don't care, do you? They all think there's something going on between us anyway."

"That's exactly why I don't want them to see. I want to forge my own path; I won't fit into society's requirements. I won't be controlled by anything."

"Good luck with that, Evans."

"I overheard something," I say.

"What exactly did you overhear?"

"You and Sirius were talking about you snogging Marlene," I say, he gulps.

"Did you hear anything else?"

"An Epiphany of the Soul, or something like that."

"Ah."

"Is that all you've got to say?"

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I hesitate. Now would be a good time for Dumbledore to appear and cast a few memory charms.

"I can't tell you," I say.

"Why not?"

"Because Professor Dumbledore didn't think it would be wise to do so."

"When was the last time you did anything he said?" she frowns.

"Yeah, well I trust his judgement."

"I want to know."

"And I'm not telling."

"Why not?"

"Just leave it, Lily. I can't tell you so leave it."

She huffs, frustrated. "What about you snogging Mar, my best friend?"

"We never had an affair, if that's what you mean."

"But why?"

"Oh for Merlin's sake! Everyone has a past and everyone has a future. Can we focus on the latter please?"

"Sure," she grumbles.

We walk in silence.

"What's your favourite colour?" I ask her.

"Why do you need to know that?"

"Why not? I don't know the answer."

"Blue," she says. "What's yours?"

"Red."

"Would you ever get married?"

"I don't know, when I'm older perhaps. What about you?"

"No. I don't want to belong to anyone."

"Why would you belong to anyone?"

"Marriage does that to people. Besides, one in two marriages end in a divorce."

"You're such a pessimist. Wouldn't you ever marry for love?"

"I don't need a piece of paper saying I love someone."

"Maybe not but marriage is a big thing in the Wizarding world. If you're not going to get married, then you're not going to have kids."

"I didn't say I didn't want kids, I do."

"Then why wouldn't you get married?"

"You don't have to be married to have children."

"In the Muggle world, perhaps but in the Wizarding world, it's unheard of."

"Oh."

We stop outside the café. It's a nice place which serves good coffee. When we sit down, I make sure Lily sits next to me. When we order, I discretely put my hand on her knee. She scowls at me but otherwise says nothing. The waitress that comes to deliver our drinks is –in one word- gorgeous. All of us Marauders stare at her. My hand removes itself form Lily's knee.

"What do you charming gentlemen want?" she asks.

None of us can get our words out.

"Five teas with milk and sugar and two black coffees please. Oh and three slices of carrot cake, two slices of lemon drizzle and two toasted teacakes, please," Lily says.

When the stunning lady leaves I turn to the table and see Lily and Mar glaring at us. Sirius tries to kiss Mar, but she bats him away.

"Come on, what did I do?"

"Hmph, go snog _her_," Mar makes a rude gesture in the waitress' general direction.

"You don't seriously think…" Sirius splutters.

I try putting my hand in Lily's but she gives me a look so full of odium that I desist immediately. Sirius and I share a look, _women_.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

James puts his hand on my knee, electric shock run through my body. I scowl at him because he can't just do that in public. Then a waitress with a skirt too short and a top too low comes over to our table. The boys practically drool all over themselves.

James' hand moves away from my knee. I glower at him because this is classic Marauder behaviour. They have girlfriends but the minute a slutty waitress comes along, they're all over her. Well, if he thinks he can do that with me then he is very wrong. I end up ordering for us all because the boys can't form a single word.

When she leaves, Sirius has the nerve to try and kiss Marlene. I snort because he would have to be God to kiss Mar after that. James tries to take my hand but I refuse. The once unfamiliar feeling which I felt when seeing James kiss Melanie boils up inside me again. Then I put a name to it: jealousy. Oh no, Lily Evans doesn't do jealousy. That's an emotion which only petty people feel and yet… I brush off the thoughts. I don't _love_ love James but I do feel something toward him. Something more than mild tolerance.


	24. The First I Love You

**A/N:**** I know, I know, I haven't uploaded in _days_ but there is a reason. Since it's the run up to Christmas, I've been running around like crazy sorting out presents and getting ready for assessments (I know, teachers are cruel). I literally haven't had any time to even look at my laptop. Anyway, I don't own the Harry Potter universe, J K Rowling does. Thank you so much for all the support, it is a little surreal. We're up to 34 followers, 27 reviews and 11 favourites which is truly awesome. Have fun reading, I hope this doesn't read like it's rushed. I solemnly swear I tried to make it go at least a little slow, but these feelings just creep up on you sometimes.**

* * *

A FEW DAYS LATER

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Somebody knocks on the door. I glance at the clock. 12 pm. Who could possibly be knocking at this time of night? I sigh a little, dragging myself out of the comfort of my wonderfully warm bed. It was just the right temperature, not too cold, not too hot. I open the door.

"Hey, Evans," James grins at me. I roll my eyes at him, exasperated.

"It's bloody midnight. I'm not nocturnal, you know."

"Yeah, yeah. You need your beauty sleep and all that…" he pushes past me, into my room.

I close the door and turn around to look at him, perplexed. "Why are you here?"

He smiles broadly. I rub my eyes, still half-asleep. Well, I was asleep until I had nightmares of Severus torturing me and my parents dying.

"Well, Lily-flower," he says and I scowl at him, "I didn't think I needed a reason."

I'm about to protest but then he pulls me into him and kisses me. I don't know how long we stay like that, in complete euphoria. When we finally stop, I notice that his shirt somehow came off and my shirt is half-way off. I'm surprised to say the least. I didn't think the two of us were like that. Part of me knows we're going way too fast, all things considered but the rest of me aches to go further. It's not like I don't know him, because I do. Probably better than most people.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, we're just… we're going quite fast aren't we?" I say and he frowns.

"No… I didn't think so."

I take a moment to consider that. Of course, he's had loads of girlfriends but they can't all have been that easy. I'd like to think they didn't all just jump into bed with him. Actually, thinking about them makes me feel sick.

"I've never done this before," I admit.

"Done what before?"

"The whole kissing thing."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah," I know I'm going red.

"You don't have to be so embarrassed about it. I'm just flabbergasted that a guy never got very far with you."

"I'm not a slut, James."

"No, I know," he says quickly. "It's just…most girls your age have –"

"_Most girls my age?_ In case you didn't notice, James, I'm not _most girls."_

"Forget I said anything," he mutters.

I stall for a moment before kissing him again. He wraps his arms around me and I wrap mine around him. Our bodies press together but it doesn't feel close enough. He lifts my shirt off; I'm wearing a bra under my pyjamas, just because I couldn't be bothered to take it off. I'm instantly self-conscious. I reach for my shirt before he can look properly.

"Hey," he says, concerned. "Did I do something?"

"No, it's just…"

"We're going to fast?" he guesses.

"Yeah. I don't really know what we are or how I feel. I mean we've only been doing the whole kissing thing for three days. Everything's a bit muddled at the moment. I'm sorry; I'll let you know when I've figured it out."

"Okay, do you want to go and watch the stars with me?"

I bite back a smile.

"I remembered how much you like the stars and tonight the sky's really clear. I thought we could see them together. The news said something about a meteor shower –"

I reach forward and kiss him lightly and softly. "That sounds great."

* * *

He takes my hand and I can't help my smile as we walk down the stairs together, creeping quietly so as not to wake anyone. When we get to his garden, we walk about halfway down it, so we can't be seen and James lays down his jacket and we lie on it together. I roll into him, for warmth in the fresh summer night's air. We both look up at the stars. They're the brightest I've ever seen them.

James turns towards me and sweeps the hair out of my face. "Are you okay?"

That's when I notice the tears rushing down my face. I've been crying so often lately that I don't realise if I am or not. I wipe my eyes hastily.

"Yeah, it just reminds me of home."

_Home_. What used to be home doesn't exist anymore. I keep having those terrible moments when I forget what happened and I think that my parents will be at the house when I come back in the next Christmas holiday. I usually go home for Christmas. I suppose I won't anymore. The thought saddens me. My parents. The scary thing is that sometimes I can't remember things about them. I miss the little things as well. Like asking them about funny baby stories, advice from my mum, watching TV with my dad, Christmas, walking on the beach with them in the Summer, their faces when I come home after months away, the good-night hugs and kisses, my mum making me breakfast, my dad's pancakes and a dozen other things. I think this is when the reality settles in. They're not coming back. They're dead.

"Lily," James says softly, "you know, you can live here. I know it's not the same and nothing will ever make up for your loss but… I intend to try. You know I'll always be here."

"Always is a long time."

"Hm, not nearly long enough," he says, kissing my forehead.

"I just miss them. It hurts so much… I remember when my Grandma died. That was awful. Mum broke down, it was like a part of her had died along with my Grandma. I remember her being completely broken and distressed and there was nothing I could do or say. This… them dying is like the whole of me dying. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and I don't have them to help me find myself. I need them, James. It isn't fair. I feel so broken, I don't want to carry on sometimes and I know it's cowardly to just give up when there's so much to live for but… I can't. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I feel numb. From feeling too much and feeling too little inside. I feel like a ghost. Like you could push your hand right through me, I'm just sort of drifting from one day to the next. It doesn't feel like living. I'm lost James. The worse thing is that even though I have all the people I love around me all the time, I still feel completely alone. Like I'm facing everything by myself."

I can't get any more words out; I just surrender to his embrace and cry into him.

"Trust me, Lily. I'll never let you be alone. I'll do whatever it takes. Even if it takes you forever for you to love me back or even longer… I'm not going anywhere."

"There's nothing longer than forever."

"For other people, perhaps but our minutes are longer than everyone else's."

"What are we doing, James? I –"

"'_The very essence of romance is uncertainty,'_" he says.

"Oscar Wilde," I smile.

"Indeed. You know what else he said? _'When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.'_"

"You're on fire today," I look at him, taking in his eyes.

"You bet I am. I want you to know that I don't care if you want to slow things down. I love you and that's all I care about."

I look at him gratefully, painfully wishing I could say those three little words back but I'm not ready. Instead I kiss him deeply and I feel his love fill me up, giving me strength. God, that sounded cheesy, but it's true regardless.

The two of us end up getting a little bit cold so we go up to my room to get some sleep. Admittedly, we spend most of the rest of the night kissing and into the next morning but eventually I feel my eyes close.

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING

* * *

I lift my head drowsily, that was the first night without any nightmares. I'm in my own room at the Potter's. I look beside me. James is lying next to me but both of us are fully clothed. I sigh with relief. I snuggle into him and he stirs a little, his arm drapes lazily around my shoulders.

"Good morning," I whisper to him.

"Good morning, Lily."

"I'm going to get dressed out of my pyjamas," I tell him.

"Can I come with you?" he asks, hopeful and I raise my eyebrows.

"_No_," I throw my pillow at him before going into my bathroom (my _own_ bathroom!).

When I come out again, he's dressed. He smiles at me. I walk up to him and he kisses my forehead.

"You look lovely," he says.

"So do you."

"The lady flatters me," he says, mockingly. I hit him playfully.

He beams before kissing me fervently. We only pull apart when I notice that I'm a little cold because my shirt's come off. I untangle myself from him, pull on my shirt and examine myself in the mirror.

"You messed up my hair," I tell him, faking annoyance.

"I'm terribly sorry, ma 'lady."

"Oh don't be, kind sir," I say, brushing through it with a comb before tying it up.

* * *

We walk down the stairs together; he puts his hand on my waist. When we reach the bottom of the stairs, I push his hand away using all my willpower. We enter the kitchen where Mar, Alice and Sirius are sitting around the table.

"Morning love birds," Sirius smirks at us.

"We're not love birds," I mutter grumpily.

"Whatever you say," Mar grins at us.

I sit next to Alice and tuck into some toast made by Mrs Potter.

"We were going to stay home today, Prongs. Swim in your pool –"

"You have a swimming pool?" I ask him.

"Didn't Prongs tell you? Ah well, never mind. Yes, he has a swimming pool somewhere in the garden. We were thinking about having a lazy day, you know… eating food, drinking pumpkin juice –"

"You do that anyway," Mar points out.

"Hey! You're supposed to be on my _side_," Sirius pouts and Mar kisses him.

"Ahem," Alice clears her throat.

Mar and Sirius reluctantly shift apart, grinning like total idiots.

"By the way, you and James look like that every time you enter a room together," Alice says, amusedly.

James and I blush a fierce red. Sirius and Mar laugh at our unease.

"Okay, enough!" I say.

"Oh but it's so funny…" Mar collapses into hysteria.

"No it's not, Mar."

"It is! Because it's true, you two are always so awkward around each other."

"No we're not."

"Stop the lies, Evans. We all know you and Prongs have a thing. Just accept it. Now, I dunno about you guys but I'm getting ready for a day of chillaxing."

We all roll our eyes as we disperse. I go upstairs with Mar and Alice to get changed into our swimwear.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER

* * *

"LILY! Catch!" Mar throws me her sunglasses before she dives into the pool.

I catch them before they hit the water and put them on the side. We've been swimming for about half an hour, the other half hour was spent by the pool side, drinking pumpkin juice. I'm yearning to spend alone time with James and yes –maybe kiss. He's been staring at me the whole time I've been swimming which makes me nervous as well as giddy. I've been staring at him for quite intently as well. Quidditch has made him muscly and very good-looking. Did I mention how perfect he looks with his shirt off?

Alice swims alongside me. "He's staring at you, Lil."

"I know."

"In fact, he looks like he's dissecting you with his eyeballs. And you're just as bad. You two should just get it over with. There's so much frustration between the two of you… it's uncomfortable to watch."

"What _are_ you talking about, Alice?"

"You know what, love-making, sexual intercourse, sex, shagging."

"Right."

"He won't care that it's your first time, you know."

"I know but I think I want to wait until marriage."

"I thought you didn't want to get married," Alice frowns.

"I didn't but… here in the Wizarding world if you want kids, you get married. Besides, James kind of persuaded me to the idea."

"Wow. I'm impressed, not many people can persuade you to do things."

"I'm not that stubborn," I splutter.

"No, and I'm Dumbledore," Alice mutters.

"So… how's your love life?"

"Erm, empty. How's your love life?"

"I don't really know."

"Are you and James friends?"

"That doesn't really cover it."

"Boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"That doesn't really cover it either. We're something else. I mean, I've known him for ages and I feel like he's part of me almost."

"So why don't you just tell him you love him?"

"I'm scared. Besides, how d'you know I haven't told him I love him?"

"Oh, you can always tell."

"I want to. I don't know if I'm ready."

"You're never ready for it, Lil. Nobody is. Just say it when you feel it most. I promise it'll turn out alright."

"Maybe you're right," I sigh, "I do love him but is that wrong of me to be so happy when my parents can never be happy again?"

"Of course not! They wouldn't want you to be miserable."

* * *

We swim over to the pool side where Mar and Sirius are snogging. We don't bother interrupting them. Only Alice seems a bit miffed, that they're displaying how much they love each other right in front of her eyes. I grab my towel and let my hair down form it's bobble. I had tried to prevent it from getting soaked but… when Sirius decides to have a dive bombing competition… I don't know what I was thinking. Luckily, it's boiling today so I won't be suffering from hypothermia for long.

James waves me over. He's sitting on his own because Peter went inside after he clumsily fell at the pool side and Remus has just left him to talk to Alice and Sirius is otherwise engaged with Mar's mouth.

"Hey," I say.

"Hello. Have a nice swim?"

"Yep. I think I swam the length of your garden."

"Impossible, you'd still be swimming," he grins.

"Maybe I'm speedy."

"Maybe you're lying."

"What if I'm not?"

"Then I'd be annoyed you didn't tell me about your secret super power."

"It wouldn't be a secret super power if I told you."

"No, but you'd tell me because I love you."

"Alright, you got me. I don't have the power of super speed."

"So what is your super power?"

"Not telling," I smile as I sit next to him on the grass.

"I'll tell you mine."

"What's yours?"

"Excessively good looks," he says.

"Can't argue with that," I mutter.

"Do my ears deceive me or did Lily Evans just agree that I'm handsome? What's next? Perhaps an amazingly good kiss?"

"Don't push it."

"Oh come on Lily, nobody's watching," he touches my wrist, massaging it with his fingertips.

I bite my lip in frustration. I really want to kiss him but what about other people? Damn it. I reach over and kiss him like I never have done before, I don't hold back at all. All my doubts fly away. My arms wrap around him and pull him closer to me, he reciprocates. James is the one who pulls away in the end.

"You just…in front of everyone –" he stutters.

"You know yesterday when you quoted Oscar Wilde? _'When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.' _Yeah, well I've decided I don't want us to have what the world would call a romance, I want us to have what we call a romance. No deceiving. I love you, James Potter."

"You love me?"

"Yes, I love you. And I _mean_ it."

"I can't believe it. After all these years… SIRIUS! LILY JUST SAID SHE LOVES ME!" he yells at the top of his voice. I blush a little at that but I'm not embarrassed.

He then grabs my hand, pulls me up and kisses me with such intensity that I practically fall backwards. Well not practically, actually. We don't even stop kissing when we land in the swimming pool. My heart explodes and it seems that I'm filled with warmth right through to my soul. Nothing could be better than this.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I'm screaming inside. Lily Evans, the girl I've loved for years has finally said she loves me. I feel so happy, like I could fly. The girl I love loves me back. I feel complete. There's no way to describe it. It's like being in love but _more_. Is there more than love?

I grab her hand and kiss her like I never have done before. She stumbles back and we end up in the swimming pool but I don't care. We carry on kissing until I can't anymore. This is without a doubt, the best day of my life.

**A/N:****It's me again, sorry if this seems rushed. I really need to move onto seventh year though... so don't hate me!**


	25. Returning to Cokeworth and Shopping

**A/N:**** Hello! I do not own the Harry Potter multi-verse full of awesome, J K Rowling does. I hope you like this chapter, we hear from Severus again!**

* * *

LAST WEEK OF THE HOLIDAYS

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Today is the day of the funeral. I'm going to see the ruins of Spinner's End, Edwards Street and what remains of Cokeworth. I brush my hair gingerly, before straightening my black dress. I did make an effort with make-up but it somehow made my face look even more tired and corpse-like so I took it off. There's a knock on the door, I wonder who it is. It won't be James or Sirius because they normally just barge in, Alice and Mar shout from their rooms if they want to talk and Peter never knocks on my door. This leaves only one possibility –Remus.

"Come in," I call, my voice hoarse from crying.

Remus opens the door and smiles at me weakly.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Mhm," I manage to choke out.

His face looks so helpless, it's a look I've seen on so many people recently. They want to help me but they can't. There isn't anything they can say to make me feel better. Instead he hugs me which just makes me cry harder.

"I wish I could say it's going to be okay… oh Lily. I don't know what to say. Just stay strong, okay? If not for your sake, then do it for James'. Or for Marlene and Alice's, they're all driven mad seeing you like this. Me too, Lily. Maybe you'll get closure. We love you, Lily."

I try to compose myself. I stand straight and shake my head slightly, bringing my walls back up, protecting myself once again. I manage a half-hearted smile and Remus and I leave my room. I asked Remus to come with me ages ago, for moral support and I'm glad he's decided to come. Remus understands me better than a lot of people, apart from maybe James. When we get downstairs, I see Sirius, Marlene, and Alice, Peter and James all dressed in black.

"W-what are you doing?" I ask them, my breath catching.

"Coming with you, you dolt," Mar rolls her eyes, like it's obvious.

"But –"

"Oh shut up, Lily. We're coming with you whether you like it or not," Sirius cuts in, dragging Marlene and the others with him through the door and into the waiting Knight Bus.

I'm a little shocked but I'm secretly happy as well. All my friends… I can't believe they would do this for me. I'm a little frightened as well; I don't want them to see me breaking down. James takes my hand and a wave of serenity washes over me. I'd forgotten the way he makes me feel just by being _near_ him.

* * *

We get on the Knight Bus and in what feels like a matter of seconds we arrive at Cokeworth. I hold my breath as we get off. I'd braced myself for the worse, complete rubble, broken glass but what I see is even more shocking.

I drop my coat and walk forwards, repulsed and curious at the same time. Every street has been blown to pieces apart from Edwards Street and Spinner's End. The places that once meant the most to me. I walk towards Edwards Street, stepping on windows, mirrors and fences like stepping stones. I stop at the start of the street. Memories hit me like lightning bolts, running down these streets with Petunia, talking with Severus as we walk back from Spinner's End, laughing at one of my dad's jokes... Stop it, Lily. Just carry on walking.

Every house is exactly the same, eerily pristine. Apart from my house. 87 Edwards Street is complete rubble. I walk on the cobblestones, my shoes making the only noise for miles around. I can almost pretend I'm walking home. I stop outside my house. There's Dark Magic radiating off of my house. The front door is still intact, so is the front garden fence. Beyond that, all I can see is timber and brick. My old bedroom curtain burns away on a dying flame on top of our burned away dining table. Other than that, everything is sound. I step forward and push open the door. It's strange going inside, my old room is on top of the dining room and the roof's crumbled into the back garden and the rest I can't make out.

I walk back out of the door, which seems silly because it's the only thing still standing. I close the door behind me, the familiar click of the door shutting makes my heart jump. I walk to Spinner's End, to find Severus' house. His house hasn't been touched but you can still feel an aura of evil. I'm not surprised in a way; Severus' house has held many evil events. Not just cold murder. I stop outside the door, contemplating on whether I should knock. I know Mrs Snape was murdered which makes no sense. Why would the Death Eaters kill the mother of one of their own?

* * *

I turn away before I start seeing memories I don't want to remember. Instead, I walk to the park near a lake. Severus and I spent hours there, just talking. Tuney and I used to swing on the swings, me going higher and higher before flying to the ground. Tuney used to tell me not to, because it was dangerous. That was when Severus came and told me about Hogwarts and what I was. God, that seems so long ago. Too long ago.

"Indeed, Miss Evans. Sometimes it takes the bad and the old to remember the good and find out the new."

I whip around to see Professor Dumbledore standing beside me. "Professor Dumbledore, what are you…"

"Doing here?" he says helpfully, "I knew you were coming here long before you did," he sighs. "Death is a strange thing, Miss Evans. Very strange indeed."

"Mhm," I say, because I don't really know what he's getting at.

"You see, Lord Voldemort," I wince slightly at the name, "works by using our greatest advantage as a weapon. To him, the murder of his own friends would not affect him as he doesn't have any. We should pity him, don't you think? Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

"I'm not sure that I do, Professor. If it's our advantage, then how can he use it as a weapon? And why would anyone feel sorry for _him_?"

"An interesting question, how can an advantage be used as a weapon? If you ever find the answer, let me know. I'm talking about something you have and he does not. Something which makes life better and worse. He does not know this; he cannot fathom this source of power which is why he is ultimately weak. "

I stare at him blankly.

"You, yourself have it, Miss Evans. A weapon so powerful and yet so common, Lord Voldemort doesn't understand it."

"I don't have any weapons, Professor," I say miserably. "There's nothing I can do in this war."

"That's not true," Professor Dumbledore smiles, "you've had it all along."

"If I have this weapon, then why couldn't I save them? Why couldn't I save myself? Why couldn't I stop Severus? I'm useless, Professor."

"My dear, sometimes you can't save people," his eyes turn misty and grey, "sometimes the only thing you can do is let them go. You can't hold onto things forever, it isn't right."

"I _can't_, Professor. I can't let them go. Not when I could…"

"Miss Evans, it doesn't do to dwell on what could have or would have happened. The 'what if' game, I suppose you would call it, will only make things worse. Let's say you were here that night, you didn't go to the Potter's. Do you think they would have survived?"

"No."

"Miss Evans, those Slytherins you seek vengeance against, can't you forgive them?"

"They don't deserve forgiveness."

"No, but you deserve peace," he counters. "You'll only be happy when you learn to accept and forgive. Hating each other is exactly what Lord Voldemort wants us to do, what he doesn't understand is that forgiveness is a form of love. He doesn't understand love."

"Love is the weapon to defeat evil? Professor, that's ridiculous. What can a feeling do?"

"Everything, my dear. A feeling can change everything. If you didn't love your parents, would be here today? If you didn't care about anything would you be alive still?"

"What are those things going to do? How is my love and care going to help anyone or anything in the war?"

"Miss Evans, if only you had a little faith. In the words of Ghandi, _'the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong'_. Tell me, why are you going to fight in this war?"

"I don't know. To get revenge?"

"That is a flaw, Miss Evans, an Achilles' heel, if you will. You care and love too much. You care too much about what others think of you. You're fighting in this war because you want to protect the people you love. It's the year 1977; there has been talk of war since the 40s. I believe your sister is getting married near Christmas this year, am I correct?"

"She was going to have the reception next year, in the summer," I say, confused. "Why would she have changed it?"

"I imagine that as your parents were helping her organise the affair, she wanted something low-key and less frivolous as soon as possible. The Muggles are not stupid; they can feel things stirring as well."

"I don't know what to do, Professor. I don't want to hate people but what about justice?"

"Justice," he muses over the word, "justice is in the eye of the beholder. War is a terrible thing, Miss Evans; I personally would not inflict anything like it on any person. No matter what terrible things they've done."

"What should I do, Professor?"

"My only advice, Miss Evans, is to remember the people you love and know that as long as you believe it, love will give you the strength you need when it matters most."

"But what do you mean –"

"Good bye Miss Evans, I have faith in you," Professor Dumbledore disappears in sharp _crack_ I recognise as Disapparition.

I'm left standing there, trying to work out what he means by love giving me the strength I need when it matters most. I need strength _now_. I sit down on the grass bank and lie back. I briefly consider not going to the funeral but the idea is preposterous. I need to go. To say good bye.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

We get off the Knight Bus. Lily looks a little stunned when she sees it. I'm a little stunned as well. After hearing Lilt talk about this place for years, this isn't what I expected. Obviously, it's down to rubble so that's not normal but I can't imagine Lily running down these streets, these dark and cold streets. Then again, I haven't seen what it was like before.

Lily drops her coat and walks forwards, transfixed. I make to follow her but Mar puts her hand on my arm to hold me back.

"Just let her go, this is hard for her."

"Which is exactly why I need to be with her."

"Yeah, it's hard enough that we're all here watching whilst she breaks down. She really needs to be alone. This is her childhood, her past. We should respect that."

"I just hate feeling so helpless," I sigh.

The Knight Bus has already zoomed off so we're left stranded.

"I still can't believe she said she loves you," Padfoot breaks the silence.

"Yeah, me neither," I smile to myself.

"How are you two working out?"

"Okay. It's unlike any relationship I've ever been in."

"Of course," Padfoot grins, "'cause you're soul mates."

Marlene and Alice frown at that. "What do you mean _soul mates_?"

"Er, so there's this thing, an Epiphany of the Soul…"

I launch into an explanation of what happened the day Lily first went into the Hospital Wing for a long time and how Dumbledore came to visit me and why it's supposed to be a secret.

"…so you can't tell her," I finish.

"She's our friend; it's kind of our job to tell her."

"Yeah, but we're protecting her by keeping this a secret."

"How? You already know she loves you. She said it herself. I'm sure she wouldn't mind that the two of you are destined to be," Alice points out.

"I don't want to tell her yet and I certainly don't want anyone but me telling her," I say.

"To be honest, I don't think she'd believe you," Marlene says. "She thinks soul mates are a load of rubbish. You'd need proof."

"Oh I can give her proof alright. Maybe I don't need to tell her. Maybe the evidence will present itself and _she'll_ come to the conclusion of what an Epiphany of the Soul is," I can already feel a plan forming in my head.

"You mean she already knows that an Epiphany of the Soul exists?" Padfoot says.

"Erm, she kind of overheard us, Padfoot. She also knows Marlene and I snogged."

Marlene turns red. "W-what did she say?"

"Nothing really," I shrug, "she was a bit annoyed I'd do that to one of her best friends but… as I pointed out, every –"

"'…_every saint has a past and every sinner has a future'_."

I turn around to find Lily standing behind me. I knew it straight away, nobody else I know quotes Oscar Wilde so fluently. Her face is tearstained, as it has been recently. I tackle her with a hug and kiss her. We do kiss a lot, but we've got two wasted years to make up for. I developed a serious crush on her in the fifth year, before that, I was just winding her up.

"Ahem," Marlene says.

We stop attacking each other's' lips and turn red. Marlene and Alice sandwich her in a tight hug.

"I don't mean to turn everything all serious but we've got a funeral to go to," Padfoot says.

With that, we make our way to the local church, me holding Lily's hand. This is going to be hard for her but I'm not leaving her side. She leans on me a little, the two of us carrying a burden together.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

"Thank you Severus!" Narcissa kisses my cheek.

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't make me wear a dress."

"I wouldn't dream of it! Speaking of which, what do you think of this one?" Narcissa holds out a green dress.

"It looks hideous."

"Oh! But it would go so nicely with Lucius' tie. What about Bridesmaid dresses? Should I go lighter green or darker green?"

"I don't know! Shouldn't you be doing this with a _girl?_"

"Why? Bella hates shopping of any kind and I don't really know any other girls who would be willing to come with me."

"Why?"

"Er, girls are sort of terrified of either Lucius or Bella or both of them. Apparently if they're anywhere near me, the Dark Lord will unleash his fury or something."

I snort at that.

"What?"

"It's just ridiculous. Why would anyone not want to be your friend?"

"I don't know, Severus," she sighs. "Anyway, what do you think? Dark green or light green?"

"Er, what colour's your dress again?"

"Emerald green."

"So why do you want your bridesmaid's dresses to be green as well?"

"Fine then, not green. What about orange? Or red?"

"I don't know, Narcissa. Orange?"

"Mhm, maybe you're right… It's just, what about red? Red is quite nice with green. Wait no, there's some old proverb about that. Bad luck for them to be together or something."

"Yeah, but they're Christmas colours, aren't they? You're getting married at Christmas anyway so…"

"I suppose you're right. It'll be nice to have a Christmassy wedding. We're getting married on the 24th and we'll have our honeymoon over Christmas. Lucius is taking me to Paris. _Paris!_ It's going to be so romantic."

I roll my eyes. Narcissa has talked of little else but the wedding and how romantic it's going to be. To be honest, thinking about Lucius being romantic makes my head hurt.

"What are you going to wear, Severus?"

"What?" I choke.

"The wedding, Severus. You are coming aren't you?"

"You're inviting me to your wedding?"

"Of course, you're my friend. Now, what are you going to wear?"

"I don't know. A suit?"

"Well obviously. Oooh! Look at this!" Narcissa holds up an extravagant emerald dress.

"I thought you were getting your dress designed."

"I am, but I need ideas don't I? In fact, Lucius' mother's helping me choose the lace and she's lending me the Malfoy family jewels. They've been handed down for _centuries_. What do you think of pearls?"

"I'm not opposed. So how is Lucius?"

"Hmm, I don't think pearls are very appropriate but they're better than the rubies. Oh Lucius is fine. It's Bella I'm worried about. What about silk?"

"Silk's fine. What's this about Bellatrix?"

"I don't know about silk. Silk and satin or just satin? Oh Bella's not too keen on Lucius. She's a little angry with me for wanting to marry him but I told her it's not her place to judge."

"And you're still alive to tell the tale?" I marvel.

"Of course," she laughs, "Bella's my sister. She'd never hurt me."

"I never heard of Bellatrix making exceptions for family."

"You antagonise her," Narcissa scolds me, holding up some fabric of some sort.

"And you're deluded."

Fortunately, she laughs instead of hexing me for insulting her.

"What do you think of ribbon instead of braided gold?"

"For what?"

"My hair, duh," she says.

"Erm, silver?"

"Yes!" she beams as me, "I knew it was a good idea to bring you along. Silver would not only complement my skin tone and hair, it wouldn't clash with the green. Like Slytherin! You're a genius!"

She kisses me on the cheek _again_. In a sisterly way, of course. Narcissa is like the sister I never had, possibly my only friend. Apart from Lily but she doesn't count me as one of her friends anymore. I wonder how she's doing. The funeral would have finished by now, is she okay? I hope so. There's nothing left of my mother to bury and she didn't have friends, so it would be only me at her funeral. Instead, I've had a gravestone made for her put up in the cemetery. She wasn't religious so she wouldn't appreciate any kind of ceremony or service. The thought saddens me deeply.

"Severus?" Narcissa's face is warped with concern.

"What?" my head snaps up, suddenly aware of time and space.

"Are you all right?"

"Not really," I say truthfully.

Narcissa's the only person I ever say what I'm really feeling or thinking to. She's not going to judge me, so long as I don't insult her family. She sits beside me on one of the plush velvet stools in the bridal shop.

"I'm sorry about what I said before… I should have been more sensitive. You know I consider you to be part of my family, Severus. It's not right. The Dark Lord said he'd give your mother his protection and he didn't –"

"Please, Narcissa, I really don't want to complain or do anything about it."

"Why not?"

"I think the Dark Lord ordered for my mother to be killed as a warning. To keep me in line. Also, killing Lily's parents…now I have to see her hurt and watch by idly. It's a test, Narcissa. For loyalty. Will I leave the Death Eaters like Lily wants or will I stay and watch her suffer?"

"You can't leave," Narcissa says quickly.

"No," I agree, "but I most certainly can't stay. What do I do?"

"I'm not sure. On the one hand, you can show Lily who you are and make the so-called right choices or you can protect her in the long run by sticking with us. Just remember, Severus. Leaving the Death Eaters isn't really possible; you've pledged your allegiance. Besides, if you were to stick by Lily, sure it would be good for a while but then she's move on. She has her own friends, Severus. What makes you think she loves you so much that she'd give up everything to come with you? Short term gains versus long term consequences. You need to stay here."

"I know but what if she could love me back?"

"And what if she won't? You're better off here. Despite what Bella and Lucius say, they do consider you a friend. Moreover, you've got me. You know me, Severus. I'm not going to leave you."

"Pinky swear?" I hold out my pinky.

"I'm not familiar with this, is this a Muggle thing?"

"Erm, yes. Lily taught it to me."

"Is it legally binding?" she asks in utter sincerity.

"You could say that, yes."

"In that case, yes. I pinky swear," she and I link pinkies.

It makes me smile because Lily taught me so much about the Muggle way of life and in return, I taught her about the Wizarding world. I wonder now if what I told her was completely accurate. I mean, I did say that it didn't matter what your blood status was but I didn't want to scare her. It may be technically illegal to be friends with a Muggle-Born but Lily's different. You can't deny she's got talent. She's just as good a witch as any Pureblood. So why am I on this side in the war? I don't agree with this so why am I here?

My Dark Mark burns but I can barely feel it. I've had enough of the Mark controlling me and being part of me. So I use my talent in Legilimency and Occlumency to ward off the Marks' power. The Mark works by reading your emotions which come from your brain and soul, I can't control my soul but I can control what the Mark sees in brain. I can manipulate the messages sent form my brain to the Mark, something which is unheard of. Legilimency allows me to manipulate the signal, Occlumency allows me to shield my true thoughts. Many people die because they fool themselves into thinking that free-thought still exists. Free-thought does not exist. If you know what you're thinking then so does the Dark Side which is why anyone who's smart should learn both Legilimency and Occlumency. The skills are invaluable.

"I think we should go now, Severus. I can't promise we'll stay alive for long but I have every intention of making it through this war."

"Of course, for Draco and Cassiopeia."

"Yes," she smiles wistfully, "I would like to have a family after the war. I wonder sometimes if having children at this sort of time is wrong, like raising pigs for slaughter."

"You have nothing to worry about, Narcissa. You're not even a Death Eater, you'll be safe no matter who wins the war. You're not pregnant, are you?"

"No! Of course I'm not pregnant. We're back at school in a _week_, Severus. I'm not careless, you know."

"I know."

"All right then, let's go to the café down the street. Coffee's on me."


	26. Vereor Attack and Grief

**A/N: Hello! I hope you had a good Christmas and if you don't celebrate Christmas then I hope you had a good week. I know this is VERY VERY late but I took a break for Christmas and I think you'll agree that this chapter is quite long. **

**I am going to write right up to when Lord Voldemort attacks Godric Hollow. This'll take a long time (perhaps) and I'll probably skip most of the fighting but yeah... I hope you'll stick with me. **

**Once again, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does and all credit goes to her, etc. **

**Thank you for the mega support, it's quite surreal! I hope you enjoy and I apologise for the dramatics - it's like a soap opera, one disaster after another.**

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait to go back to school. For one, I'll see Lily which not only makes me feel light-headed but also terrifies me to pieces. For another, school work will keep me busy. Being busy is always at the top of my agenda. If I'm always doing something then I can't think and process stuff. I can't get upset. It also means I sleep as soon as I hit the pillow from exhaustion and as I'm so tired, I don't have nightmares. Whilst not thinking about it is great, I'm subsequently in a state of permanent fatigue. Narcissa keeps telling me to 'relax' and 'take it easy' but I can't. She even had the nerve to suggest therapy. I get that she's concerned and all but she doesn't have to replace my mother. I can take care of myself.

I've got used to being alone. Whenever I hear Narcissa's light and easy-going laugh, I jump with surprise. It's odd to picture the world getting up and carrying on like nothing ever happened. People being happy and utterly oblivious to all the suffering and hardship around them. Sometimes I want to scream at them. Ask them if they're blind or just completely stupid. Narcissa says I need to let it go, just take a deep breath and pull myself together. It's not other people's fault there's a war coming which will turn my steadily yet rapidly decaying world into smithereens. Except it is their fault. I blame every single one of them. One way or another, they'll complicate things. If they're on the Light Side then Narcissa could die which would destroy me and if they're on the Dark Side, they might be the one who kills Lily. If either one of them died then I would not hesitate to end my own life.

Today, I'm meeting Narcissa for ice cream in Diagon Alley. It was her request and I find it very hard to say no to Narcissa. In fact, I found it very hard to say no to Lily and yet I did. I joined the Dark Side anyway and now her life is in danger. It's my fault. But sometimes to reassure myself, I say that my joining the Death Eaters didn't change Lily's fate. I'm only _one _measly Death Eater, what difference could I make? This offers little consolation as of late because I know that by joining the Death Eaters whilst I was still friends with Lily definitely put her on the radar. If… shut up, Severus.

Currently, all I do is replay the last few years in my head. What could I have done differently? I'm also paranoid, I see potential enemies everywhere. Especially when I'm with Narcissa. I feel the need to protect her. Not just because she's a sister to me but also because I want to protect her unborn children. No, she's not pregnant. Yet. But she really wants to have Draco and Cassiopeia and I want to make sure that happens (with Lucius, obviously). She deserves to have a family. _And so do you_, I hear the annoying voice in the back of my head say. _No, I don't deserve anything._ I find myself believing those words. As long as I have no expectations, I can never be hurt or disappointed.

I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I don't notice the witch in front of me.

"Sorry," I mumble before walking around her.

"Snape!" she shrieks. I wince, it's Bellatrix. "Are you trying to be an absolute dingbat?"

"Nice to see you too, Bellatrix."

"Just watch where you're going," she snaps.

"Is Narcissa…?"

"What about her?" Bellatrix scowls, but at the mention of Narcissa, her face softens slightly.

"Is she with you?"

"What am I? Her personal bodyguard?"

"No, but you're her sister and I thought –"

"You thought I'd know where she is," Bellatrix glowers at me with distaste.

"And do you?" I say, exasperated. Conversations with Bellatrix are never straightforward.

"What's it to you?" she leers at me.

"I'm meant to be meeting her for ice cream –"

"Ice cream?" she cackles, "is that what you do in your spare time? Not much of a Death Eater are you?"

"Do you know where she is or not?" I ask, not bothering to disguise my impatience.

"Yeah, she was getting ready. She'll be here in about ten minutes," Bellatrix eyes me reproachfully, "well don't let me keep you. Go and enjoy your _ice cream_ like a true Death Eater."

She saunters away. I roll my eyes, typical Bellatrix. I wait at the ice cream parlour for about seven minutes before Narcissa walks in. She beams at me when she sees me. I can't remember the last time anyone was so pleased to see me.

"Severus!" she leans in to hug me. Hesitantly, I hug her back.

She sits down, making a show of pushing her hair back from her shoulders. Her engagement ring glitters in the morning sun light.

"I saw your charming sister just now."

"Oh," Narcissa looks down at the menu.

"Oh? What do you mean 'oh'?"

"Nothing," she says and I feel a flash of annoyance.

"It's obviously not 'nothing'."

"Well, we had an argument. Over the wedding. She refuses to come and I can't persuade her otherwise."

"So? You're better off without her killing the mood."

She narrows her eyes at me, showing a striking resemblance to Bellatrix which makes me gulp.

"She's my _sister_. I need her there for support. Mother says she'll come around but I don't know. She's been so _off_ recently. Always busy doing something for the Dark Lord, preparing for the war… you know the only time I felt like I had my sister back was when she adamantly refused that I be allowed the Dark Mark. She even persuaded the Dark Lord. She said she didn't want to lose me. I guess she was calling me weak but I felt like she cared. Is that stupid of me?"

"No. But what's this about you being _allowed_ the Dark Mark?"

"Ah well," she looks at her hands, "I wanted to join –"

"Narcissa!" I can feel the shock evident in my eyes mirrored back in her expression, "what were you _thinking_?"

"This is exactly what Bella said! I'm not a child, Severus. I can make my own choices and I'm definitely not weak!" Merlin, she sounds so much like Lily.

"No, of course you're not. But, Narcissa, the _Death Eaters_? You do realise that if we lose the war and you're a Death Eater you have little to no chance of having a family."

She bites back a response at that. She looks ashamedly at her hands.

"I-I didn't think about it like that."

"Look, Narcissa. I know you don't need protection but you need to make it through the war. For Draco and Cassiopeia. Remember?"

She looks up at me and nods.

"You're a good friend, Severus."

I look away. I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise. The thought of her joining the Death Eaters seriously bothers me. I feel like I need to protect her despite the fact that she doesn't need protecting. There's another thing Bellatrix and I have in common. It also makes me sad because I always felt the need to look out for Lily, too. Which is ridiculous because Lily is more than capable of taking care of herself.

We spend the rest of the morning with endless chatter. I can almost pretend everything is good and well in the world.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

FIVE DAYS AFTER THE FUNERAL

* * *

When we got back from the funeral, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk. Every day it crushes me. They're not coming back. They're dead. Don't panic. Keep breathing. It's going to be okay. They're not coming back. They're dead. Don't panic. Keep breathing. It's going to be okay. An endless cycle of that thought process to stop me drifting away completely.

I was not dealing with it at all.

Right now, I'm writing in a notebook because I'm having memory difficulties. I think half the reason I went into a state of panic was because I saw my sister at the funeral. We didn't talk, obviously. We did, however, exchange troubled looks as if she was considering hugging me and we could be proper sisters again but that didn't happen. She pushed me away when I tried to hug her. That made me cry harder. We then scattered their ashes over this hill at the end of a walk we used to do as a family. That was the hardest bit. Saying goodbye didn't make me feel any better. I know Tuney blames me for their deaths. I blame myself as well.

This is strange within itself, I've heard that a lot of people receive closure after the funeral but it just made things worse for me. At the same time, I had to go. I felt like I owed it to them.

When we got back to the Potter's I ran straight up to my room and didn't come out for two days solid. In that time I didn't sleep, drink, eat or talk to anyone. I think I had a panic attack from mild shock.

When I finally did open the door (nobody wanted to use force or magic, they wanted me to do things my way), Mrs Potter nursed me back to health. When I finally did get some colour back which was quite fast, thanks to Mrs Potter's healing skills, I tried to get some sleep but I failed. Every now and then, my vision goes and I think I might be dying. But it always passes. I did refuse to eat or drink so Mrs Potter had to use some very complicated spells to make sure that I did. They couldn't make me talk to them, though. After a while, I just gave up. I went to sleep and didn't wake up for 19 hours.

Why was I reluctant to go to sleep? First of all, night terrors, second of all, I wanted to wait for James. That's part of the reason I was so distressed. James, when I resumed a calm state of mind which could process things other than pure fear and panic, was gone.

Now I'm awake, I'm in a constant state of anxiety. It's completely irrational and all in my head. I'm afraid of falling asleep but I do it anyway. The nightmares keep coming, so vividly that I start thrashing and screaming in my sleep. I can actually _feel_ the pain. When I wake up, my cuts are bleeding. It isn't normal.

After two nights of night terrors, Mr Potter eventually decided to teach me Occlumency. I'm getting to grips with it fairly well. He seems to think something is trying to control me or possess me which I suppose should frighten me but after everything that's happened, I'm not scared. Well, not any more than I usually am. This upcoming war worries me but I'm dealing with my problems as they happen. I think the idea that something is causing this is reassuring. A reassurance that I'm not delusional.

The worst thing about all of this is that James isn't here, like I said. I yell for him all the time, apparently even when I'm asleep but he doesn't come. I keep asking Mr and Mrs Potter where he is but they don't answer. Sometimes I shout for my friends or, when I'm really distressed, I shout for my parents. Nobody ever answers. Mr and Mrs Potter probably think I'm insane. Maybe I am insane. Or maybe there's something possessing me. I'm hoping it's the latter.

* * *

REAL TIME (AS IN, THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW TO LILY)

* * *

Today is no different. I wake up in sweat and blood. I grab the wet cloth at the side of my bed and wash away the blood from the cuts. I then haul myself up and drag myself to the shower. Showers are a lot of effort so in the end, I settle for a bath. The warm water relaxes me and eases the aches and pains all over my body. I dry myself and wrap bandages over the worst of the cuts and put plasters on the smaller ones. I then get dressed and brush my hair. This routine helps. There's always something to do, I don't need to worry.

I then practice Occlumency, which is hard when I don't have Mr Potter to help me. Briefly, the pain stops and I feel a moment of triumph. Then it hits me again and I almost stumble over. I remember James and my heart momentarily stops. I _need_ him. Being apart from him is unbearable. I start screaming again. Mrs Potter rushes into the room.

"What is it?" she asks me, cradling me like my mother used to.

"I need James," I wail into her.

"Oh Lily, he's away. You know that, with the Order."

"The Order of the Phoenix?" I ask her, remembering what Dumbledore had told me.

"Erm…" she wavers, "I'm not supposed to say, but yes."

"Then I should go too," I say, scrambling up, a newfound purpose squashing all the pain.

"No! Lily you can't! Special orders from Professor Dumbledore, you need to stay here. It wouldn't be safe. Besides, what would James think if he saw you like this?"

I take that in. Of course, James. I'd scare him half to death if he saw me like this but why should that stop me? James is more than capable of seeing me 'like this'. What's wrong with me, anyway? Nothing James can't handle, I've been worse and I've been better. I'll get through this. Then I have it, the will to live and carry on. For James. I stand up, shaking Mrs Potter off of me.

"You have to help me get better," I tell her.

"I have been, Lily. Believe me I have."

"I know you have. Thank you. But I think we're going the wrong way about it. We're treating my condition like an illness."

"Maybe you're right," she says, doubtfully, "What happened to you, Lily?"

"I don't know. The funeral made everything worse instead of better. My sister rejected me and I suppose that set it off. Then everybody was there and I just needed to let it all out but I didn't want to appear weak. Then I panicked. Then I was frozen with terror and then all my nightmares became more intense. But I'm not scared anymore, it all seems so stupid. Yeah, my parents are dead and that's never going to not be true and it's always going to make me sad but I can't stay trapped up like this. It's pathetic, selfish even. It's a complete over-reaction, especially considering that the worse is yet to come. The war I mean."

"Lily, that's very mature of you, but you should never be afraid of showing your emotions. If you need to cry, then cry. My husband suspects that what caused the sudden rush of terror and panic was a Vereor of some sort."

"What's a Vereor?"

"A Vereor is a creature which sees a victim in distress or in a vulnerable state and inhabits its brain and causes trepidation. I think perhaps you are right about your…condition not being a medical illness."

"So, will Occlumency work?"

"Yes, but the most effective way would be to destroy it."

"How do you destroy it?"

"Do the exact opposite of what it wants. It wants you to be out of control, so be calm and happy. Maybe even laugh a little. Soon, it will either be overridden by mixed messages or it will move on."

"Okay. Once it's out, will I get better?"

"Possibly. I'll do anything I can to help you Lily. I think you're half way there to recovery anyway. Not just anyone would be able to handle an irrational monster so calmly. You're strong, Lily."

"Thank you," I say meaning it.

* * *

SUNDAY 1st SEPTEMBER (TWO DAYS UNTIL SEVENTH YEAR)

* * *

I get up. I don't feel achy or tired at all. I inspect my arms. No blood anywhere. I stand in front of my mirror. There are no bags under my eyes, my skin looks healthy. I sigh with relief. I'm back to normal. I can see James and _not_ be self-conscious. I don't feel even the slightest bit of panic or unstableness as I walk to my bathroom. I hum Queen to myself, _oooh you make me live… _it seems vaguely appropriate.

I have a shower deciding to make the most of my normal state. I then go downstairs. It's strange because the mansion is deadly quiet. I walk down to the kitchen. Mr Potter almost has a heart attack when he sees me.

"All right kiddo?" he asks, recovering quickly.

"Yep. I think I've perfected Occlumency."

"That's great. Do you want some toast?"

"Sure."

We make pleasant conversation until he sighs, stressed.

"You know you can't go and join them," he says, meaning my friends.

"Why not?" I demand.

"You're deemed mentally unstable."

I roll my eyes. "Do I _look_ mentally unstable?"

"Well no –"

"Do I act like I'm mentally unstable?"

"No but –"

"Have I done anything which could be regarded as something a mentally unstable person would do?"

"No, but –"

"Am I mentally unstable?"

"No but –"

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that after the _episode_," I redden at that, "Professor Dumbledore doesn't think it to be wise to let you take part in the Order yet. After your experience with Dark Magic used for torture and your history with the Slytherin blood racists –"

I suspire, infuriated.

"Firstly, that _episode_ was caused by a Vereor and has nothing to do with my mental condition. And don't you think my experience of Dark Magic is an advantage? I know how serious the stuff is and how to block it. And thirdly, the Slytherin 'blood racists' –"

"What do you mean, Slytherin 'blood racists'?" he mimes my emphasis on the quote with his hands.

"Well, I wouldn't call them 'blood racists'."

"What would you call them then?"

"Forgive the language, but I would call them ignorant pricks," I say matter-of-factly and he looks a little taken aback before grinning wildly. The grin looks so much like James'. I miss James so much.

"I see," he chuckles, "what were you saying about the ignorant pricks?"

"I was saying that those ignorant pricks," I smile at him, "do not in any way prevent me from doing anything. I couldn't care less about them. Yes, I'd like to get them back for making my life hell but… live and let live, I suppose."

"I'm confused, so you're not going to fight them?"

"I didn't say that! Of course I'm going to completely thrash them and do anything I can to help us win this war. What I am saying is that I don't _hate_ them."

"You have every right to hate them."

"Perhaps," I purse my lips, "but why waste my time hating ignorant pricks when I could be hexing them?"

"Fair enough," Mr Potter concedes, "I'll see what I can do."

"There's no need," a mellow and calm voice says. My heart leaps with recognition. Professor Dumbledore. "I suspected that Miss Evans would come to this conclusion and I've provided a port key to ensure safe travel. As you know, the war has already started, well it's been brewing since the 40s but now it's a full-scale massacre."

"Professor, are we expected to go back to Hogwarts whilst the war is raging?" I ask.

"Of course, it's nothing we can't handle. Besides, you must finish your education and get all the knowledge you can."

I don't bother to argue with Professor Dumbledore, he's rarely wrong. I can't help feeling a little disgruntled. I _want_ to fight right away, fight the Death Eaters and this so-called Dark Lord. But all my frustrations evaporate as the love of my life pokes his head around the door.

"All right Evans?" he says by way of greeting, looking sheepish.

I run up to him and fling my arms around him. I kiss him hard on the lips.

"I've missed you so much," I say, hugging him tight.

"And I've missed you. Come on, we've got to get your school supplies."

"Oh yeah…" I'd completely forgotten about that.

I smile at him and suddenly everything's alright even though it isn't.


	27. Kissing and Interruptions

**A/N:**** Happy New Year everybody! I hope you have a fantastic new year full of awesome. Anyway, I do not own the Harry Potter World. All credit goes to the fabulous J K Rowling. I make no profit from this story, no copyright infringement intended, etc.**

**In answer to your question, Guest, the Marriage Law will take place SOON. Please read this chapter and you'll understand what I mean. It's radical.**

**There will be some Jily action in this chapter. Skip if you want, it's not graphic, if that's what you're worried about though. I'll put a warning up when it approaches.**

**Please review if you have a couple of seconds to spare.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

DIAGON ALLEY

* * *

The port key takes us to the Leaky Cauldron. We walk through the near-empty bar. This war makes people afraid to go out but for the most part, the Wizarding World is ready to attack. They're getting restless. I can't blame them; I'm getting impatient as well. Damn Dumbledore saying we need to go back to school.

"What are you thinking?" I ask her. Lily has that I'm-thinking-about-something-serious-but-I'll-hex-you-if-you-try-and-get-it-out-of-me look.

"Nothing," she says.

"Hmm," I narrow my eyes at her. I can always tell when she's lying.

We get to the brick wall and I tap on the bricks with my wand. Then, we're in Diagon Alley. I reach for her hand, she looks surprised but the minute my skin touches hers' I feel sparks flying up my arm. Merlin, I missed her so much.

"What were you doing with the Order?" she asks. I frown at the memory.

"Not a lot. Dumbledore had us go through some stuff. You know, casualty statistics, defence ideas for protecting the Ministry, rallying up supporters. Luckily some of the giants are on our side. Unfortunately, we simply won't have much of a Wizarding population after this war is over. The statistics prove that if we carry on fighting at this rate – which we have to otherwise we'll be overwhelmed with Death Eaters- then by the end of the war, we'll have lost up to 90% of our population."

"That's terrible! How do you know when the war's going to end?"

"We don't, but Dumbledore estimates about 1980 something."

"Jesus Christ," she murmurs.

"I know."

"What are we going to do? If we're all going to die out… this is awful!"

"Ah. That's where there's been some… dispute. There's a lot of ethics and legal precautions being taken to make sure the Ministry makes the right decision. They're all turning to Dumbledore, obviously but the Minister was pretty clear about what he wants. Dumbledore wouldn't tell us what exactly they're planning but he doesn't like it."

"What do you think they're planning?"

"I don't know. Something radical, probably." **(I told you so)**

Lily looks away. I can see something in her eyes, something that wasn't there before. It's like she's aged inside, suddenly become so much wiser. She doesn't _look_ older. No, she still looks as young and beautiful as I remember. Even more beautiful, if that's possible. But there's something else, not just the wisdom but something darker. Pain, perhaps? What happened to her after the funeral?

"James?" he voice brings me back to Earth.

"Yes?"

"You're staring at me."

"Yeah," I say stupidly.

"_Why_ are you staring at me?"

"Because you're beautiful." (**I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!)**

She blushes and I love her all over again. Then Lily stops and stares at a shop window. I peer over to where she's looking. It's not a shop window after all, it's a local café. Lily and I both stare at the couple sitting in the corner. Narcissa Black and Snivellus Snot. Lily doesn't seem able to look away. Eventually, I have to get her arm and drag her from the window.

"Get off me," she says. Her harsh tone takes me by surprise, she hasn't talked to me like that in ages. I release her arm.

She walks away from me, very quickly. I practically have to run after her. She stops outside a deserted shop and sits on a crooked bench. I sit next to her. She promptly bursts into tears. I put my arm around her and she turns into me, crying into my shoulder. I don't understand. Why is she crying?

"I-I'm so s-sorry James," she weeps into my shirt.

"What for?"

"Crying," she says, "I promised myself I wouldn't."

"How can you promise not to cry?"

"No," she says, "I promised myself I wouldn't waste any more time on caring about ignorant pricks."

"I'm lost. What do you mean?"

"Do you remember when I was in the Hospital Wing and I was bleeding uncontrollably?"

"Yes," how could I forget? That was one of the most petrifying moments of my life.

"Yeah well, for weeks before that and that particular night, the Slytherin Blood Racists whom I call ignorant pricks, were torturing me. Using the Cruciatus Curse and some of Severus' own spells."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to. I thought you'd do something irrational and I don't like talking about it," I channel all my willpower into staying calm, "and then after the funeral… I just wasn't handling it at all well. My parents' death, my sister pushing me away, then there was this Vereor –"

"A what?"

"A Vereor, it inhabits the brain of someone who is in a state of emotional despair. Anyway, so this Vereor brought all my nightmares to life and then you were gone –" her voice cracks, "you were gone and I felt like I had to face everything on my own. I'd scream and scream for you but you never came. I did have your parents to look after me and I'm grateful for that. It's just not the same. Honestly, I felt like I was at the end."

I hold her tight. "I had no idea."

"No, I don't suppose you did," she says quietly, "why did you leave?"

"I had no choice, Dumbledore –"

"There's always a choice."

"Not always."

"Yes, there is."

"What, like letting those Slytherins hurt you day after day?"

"That's different."

"Is it?"

"Yes! It's not a matter of _letting_, it's a matter of defence and precaution. What else could I do?"

"Oh, I don't know. Tell me?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I could have helped you! I thought you trusted me."

"I _do_ trust you. It's just, I knew you'd over react."

"OVER REACT? What's the right way to react to the news that the love of your life was being tortured?"

"I don't know. Besides, if you're so passionate about us then why did you leave me when I needed you most?"

"I didn't have a choice! For Merlin's sake. I wouldn't actively leave you, Lily. I left the minute I could."

"You didn't contact me at all. Not a single owl, not a single message."

"Dumbledore forbade any communication in case it got intercepted by Death Eaters."

"You didn't tell me you were going."

"I didn't _know_, Lily."

She exhales, realising she has nothing else to be angry about. Well, to be reasonably angry about.

"What about you and Snivellus. You seemed pretty upset about him and Narcissa being together," I try to disguise my own jealousy at the fact that she still cares for Snivellus.

"I'm not jealous, if that's what you mean. It just reminded me of _that night_."

"So you don't fancy Snivellus?" I ask, relieved.

"No! I never did."

"But he fancies you."

"You know what's funny? Severus and I had this exact conversation but about _you_ back when we were still friends. I said I didn't fancy you then and I don't fancy you now."

"Really?" my heart stops beating.

"No, I love you James Potter," oh thank Merlin, I thought she was going to say she hated me again.

"And Snivellus?"

"Snivellus who?"

She leans in and we kiss, for quite a long time. Just her _being_ there makes me slightly giddy and now after I've waited _days_ to see her… there isn't a way to describe this level of happiness. It's ineffable.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I'm still furious with James for leaving but it's impossible to stay angry at him. I can't help but kiss him back. I love him so much there's not enough room for anything else. I break away before we get too far.

"Not here," I breathe against him.

"When we get home," he promises. _We_ get home. I like that we share a home.

"Do you want to go to Flourish and Blotts first?"

"Yeah sure."

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

THE POTTER MANSION

* * *

**(WARNING: JILY ACTION COMMENCING. NOT GRAPHIC. DOESN'T GO 'ALL THE WAY'.)**

The minute we step into my bedroom, James kisses me really hard on the lips. It's a full on kiss –like a snog, I guess- but it feels so much more intimate than a casual snog. My shirt comes off and this time I don't care that he can see my scars. His shirt comes off too. I feel myself redden as he stares. Why does he still make me nervous and excited all at once?

"I didn't know they were this bad," he mumbles, still staring at the scars.

"Is that a problem?" I find myself frustrated.

"Of course not, you're still beautiful," he kisses my neck; right above the scar I received in Second Year from Rodolphus Lestrange. I shudder but it's not from the cold.

Our bodies press together again and my arms go around his back, my hands roaming around his skin. His hands reciprocate and I push into him so we're closer. His kisses trail down my neck and onto my collarbone. I kiss him all over his chest. He moans a little. I don't know how, but his trousers somehow managed to come off. His hands move to undo my own jeans. I let him, even encouraging him.

Now I'm only dressed in bra and pants, he only has pants on. Good Lord, he's gorgeous. James pushes me against the wall and my legs come up to wrap around his waist. I feel an aching need between my legs. His hands run up and down my legs, sending shudders and bolts of electricity through my body.

I bite back a moan, it seems embarrassing to make noises like that but I can't help it. He puts his right hand between me and the wall and undoes my bra. My bra falls to the floor and he doesn't attempt to disguise staring at my chest. His hands move over them and I gasp. Then there's a knock on the door. I almost growl, _almost_.

**(JILY ACTION OVER)**

James groans and puts me down, I instantly miss his touch. "Who is it?"

"PADFOOT! Your mother says you need to get right down here and help her de-gnome the garden or else," Sirius yells.

"Or else what?"

"I don't know, Prongs but I for one don't wanna find out."

James sighs. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. We can continue this later."

"Whoa, Prongs. Is Evans in there with you?"

"None of your business!" I shout at the door.

Sirius laughs before going back down the stairs saying something about miracles. I kiss James once more on the lips before going into my bathroom. I _really_ need a shower. I need to sort out my 'problem', I suppose you would call it. I strip down so that I'm naked. I then look into the mirror, trying to see what other people see when the look at my body. Imaging how James sees me sends quivers of excitement and anticipation through me.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I'm going to bloody kill Padfoot. I trudge down the stairs. Padfoot spots me from the bottom of the stairs.

"All right, Prongs?"

"I _was_ until you interrupted," I scowl at him.

"I didn't know you and Evans were getting down and dirty!"

"We _weren't_ getting 'down and dirty'. That's something only you and Lightwood do."

"Actually," Marlene comes out of the kitchen, "it's McKinnon now."

"What? Are you married?" I ask her.

"Of course not! It's just all the Pureblood Racists and Death Eaters are calling my family Blood Traitors targeting us. So we've put our identity under the Fidelius Charm. So we're now the McKinnon family."

"Can you even use the Fidelius Charm to protect your identity?"

"Apparently so. Don't ask me how though."

"Who's secret keeper?"

"'can't tell you that," Marlene says winking.

Lily comes down the stairs, wearing a fresh white blouse and blue trousers. She's redone her hair. She's so stunning it's actually painful to look at her without kissing her.

"You look happy," Marlene says, her eyebrows raised at Lily.

"I am," she looks in my direction and smiles before walking off with Marlene.

"What did you do to her Prongs? If you didn't shag –"

"You're disgusting Padfoot."

"Don't I know it. Where's Moony?"

"Still in Diagon Alley I think."

"He did mention something about the moon and the war and something about werewolves. I don't know. I don't listen to half of what he says."

"Very helpful, Padfoot," I say sarcastically, "and Wormtail?"

"Probably running back and forth between people because there are too many conversations for his brain cells to process."

I laugh at that one. Unfortunately, I didn't see Wormtail lurking behind the stairs, listening to every word.

**A/N:**** I know you've heard a lot from me today (sorry), but one last note. Next chapter is Seventh Year, I promise. So stick with me!**


	28. An Introduction to the Marriage Law

**A/N:**** Hello! This is Seventh year. Marriage Law. Last year at Hogwarts. I'm really excited. As you know, I'm not J K Rowling thus I do not own the Harry Potter franchise and no copyright infringement is intended. This is written purely for my own (and yours?) entertainment.**

**I know this chapter is seriously short but I need to keep up the pace. I've got a massive list with dates and everything saying what needs to happen when. I've done quite a lot of research for this story but it won't all be cannon. **

**I'm sorry this note is so long. Enjoy!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I'm going back to Hogwarts for the very last time **(see what I did there, fellow Starkid fans?)** but this time as Head Girl. James finally told me about this Epiphany of the Soul, he's convinced we're soul mates. As if. Soul mates do not exist. I told him that and he just smirked at me and said 'we'll see'. I think he's trying to prove it to me throughout the school year or something. I wish him luck.

James is the Head Boy. It was mightily awkward when he got his letter because everyone was looking expectantly at Remus. So when James turned out to be Head Boy, everyone was really surprised and kind of disappointed. I wasn't. I mean, Remus would have been the obvious choice looking at his sensibility and intelligence but James outshined him in the intelligence department and he's actually quite sensible. That doesn't mean they all are, though. Wormtail (Jesus, I've started using the Marauder's nicknames now) is still as hilariously childish and immature as ever and Padfoot (what can I say? They've rubbed off on me) is no less of a troublemaker than he was seven years ago.

Marlene is very happy with Padfoot and it's amazing to see her so upbeat and cheerful. Alice and Remus have been getting rather close, which is adorably sweet. Remus and I are still best friends, I don't know what I'd do without him. As for James… I love him more than I've ever loved anything. He's the love of my life and he makes me complete. That sounds cheesy but it's true.

I've managed to persuade James to meet Tuney and Vernon (ugh) for dinner in the Christmas Holidays before they get married. James was kind of intrigued by my Muggle sister and her fiancé. Heaven knows why, together they're the most unpleasant company I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. I keep trying though. Petunia is my sister and I love her, despite her nuptial choices in Vernon. I still can't get my head around that – Petunia and _Vernon_. She's way better than that pompous overweight weasel.

Besides, she needs my help with the wedding now that mum and dad are dead. _Deep breath_. I'm recovering from shock and being mentally unstable according to St. Mungo's. I'm still angry that Dumbledore felt the need to get me looked at by healers. I'm fine. It was a Vereor. Why can't people just let it go?

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

SORTING CEREMONY – DUMBLEDORE'S SPEECH

* * *

"…would like you to welcome Minister for Magic, Mr Valcon."

There's a polite applause. The Minister steps up to the podium and clears his throat.

"As I'm sure you know, this war is at its height. People are dying faster than we can recruit them. Not to mention that the unity of the Wizarding World is crumbling. After a lot of deliberation, the Wizengamot and I have decreed that a Marriage Law be put into place –"

The whole hall shouts and yells in indignation. I join in shouting about freedom and pride. You can feel the angry buzz in the air, even the Slytherins are joining in the protest.

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore's voice rings throughout the hall and not a single person defies the order.

"Thank you, Professor Dumbledore," the Minister bows his head in Dumbledore's direction, "I know this law will be seen as intrusive and extreme however, the Wizengamot has searched for an alternative and there is none. The Marriage Law will not only bring people closer through marriage but ensure that more children are born. We cannot allow the Wizarding population to suffer and for our race to die out –"

"You're raising pigs for slaughter!" Lily shouts from our table. This is followed by a chorus of agreement.

"The Death Eaters wouldn't dare harm children with Magical Blood –"

"You're wrong! They'd kill anyone on the Light Side," Marlene pipes up on our table.

"The Wizengamot have decided that this is the best way to go. All children born from the Marriage Law will be protected by the Ministry –"

"The Ministry is crumbling! The Dark Side is infiltrating it! You can't even protect yourselves!" a Ravenclaw screams at the Minister.

"We can. The Ministry is strong and cannot be defeated. It is the force behind equality and goodness. We are very much in control of the situation!"

"No you're not!"

"SILENCE!" the Minister cries over the hall, "as I was saying, the law will only affect those of age and above - from seventeen to fifty. Ages will be matched as well so you will be paired with someone of similar age. If however, the person whom you are paired with is under the required age, you will have to wait until _after_ your graduation to become married. So of course the law will primarily affect those in sixth and seventh year. The law will not affect the Slytherin House –"

"That's not fair!"

"It will not affect the Slytherin House as they are believed to be conspiring against the Light Side with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. To ensure security, the Slytherins will be mostly isolated from the rest of the school. No lessons will be shared with them, nor will they interact with students from other houses –"

"You can't automatically assume every Slytherin is a Death Eater!" Lily says and she looks very determined.

"This is for security and safety, little girl. I don't expect you would understand," he frowns disapprovingly in her direction. I scowl at him, how dare he say that to Lily. "You will be paired using the Anima Charm. It will find your best suited mate. You will be expected, unless one of you is not of age, to marry and conceive a child within five years of becoming married. If one of you is infertile, potions can be taken. The Anima Charm will be performed shortly before Christmas. Enjoy your evening."

* * *

"I can't believe it! This is utterly ridiculous. They can't expect people to get married at _seventeen_."

Lily's been ranting in the Head Girl and Boy's common room for about half an hour. I've been listening intently but mostly admiring how attractive she is when she's irritated.

"What if we're not paired together," she says suddenly.

"We will be," I reassure her, "we're soul mates."

"Not that again! There's no such thing as soul mates!"

"There is," I smile, it's cool knowing something she doesn't, "the Epiphany of the Soul –"

"I don't care about the Epiphany! I don't need the Epiphany of the Soul as proof that I love you. Soul mates cant be real, it's like your whole life is planned around one person and you can't ever do this or that. It's oppressive... I'm too tired to go through this again," she sighs, sitting down next to me.

"I'm going to convince you we're soul mates by Christmas."

"Impossible."

"How much are you betting?"

"Nothing."

"Aw come on, play along."

"Fine. If you're right, then I will let you name our child."

"You're on. I'm thinking Pickety Johnson Potter."

"Pickety? You made that up."

"I did," I admit.

"It should be illegal to name your child Pickety Johnson Potter."

"You said I could choose!"

"I said you could choose if you were _right_."

"And I know I'm right, so Pickety Johnson Potter it is."

"Don't you dare," she says.

"What? Should we name them after the Giant Squid you love so very much? Squirty Squid Pickety Johnson Potter."

"You're ridiculous," she says, laughing anyway.

I love making Lily laugh.

"If you're not careful, I'll divorce you and run off with the Giant Squid," she jokes.

"You'd run off with our _child_?"

"Of course not! That's revolting, James. I'm talking about the mega hot squid in the lake which I would rather go out with."

"You wouldn't do that."

"No you're right, I wouldn't."

She leans over and kisses me.

"I love you, you know," she says.

"I do know and I'm lucky."

She smiles and we snuggle up together on the sofa by the fire. What could be better?

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

_This law does not affect those in the Slytherin House…_

Great. Now the entire world thinks all Slytherins are evil. I should be happy that the Marriage Law does not affect me but what about Lily? What if she gets paired with Potter? I've heard a few rumours speculating that Lily and Potter are dating. She wouldn't, would she? Not that it matters.

I can't help being pleased that Lily stood up for the Slytherins.

"_You can't automatically assume every Slytherin is a Death Eater!"_

The thing is, you can. Virtually everyone is a Death Eater in Slytherin with the exception of Mudbloods who normally get assaulted and murdered and people who are under age. But they're all planning to get the Mark and become Death Eaters later so you could count them as part of the Dark Side as well. The Dark Lord isn't picky. If you're talented or easily manipulated, he'll recruit you. Or at least try. Nobody ever says no. He always has something to offer you. For me it was my father's death, for Narcissa it was her family's safety. Those who have said no aren't alive anymore. You'd have to be either a lunatic or really gifted with magic or both to survive defying him.

What scares me most of all is that his attention has turned to Lily. It's quite evident that Lily is one of the most talented magical people since Merlin. The Dark Lord is willing to overstep the fact that she's a Muggle-Born. I know what she's going to say and I'm scared for her life. What scares me more is what he will offer her.

This is why I must rise up the ranks fast so I can try and get the Dark Lord to spare her life. If only I had something I could offer him. Something he needs but cannot get by using magic. Then, I could stand a chance at protecting her.


	29. There's No Such Thing as Soul Mates!

**A/N:**** Hello! I'm finally updating! I do not own the Harry Potter universe, all credit to J K Rowling. Thank you for reading and reviewing and following and favourite-ing!**

**I will try and upload more but... school takes up a lot of my time and then I read a lot and I'm trying harder with my social life. Where's the time?**

**Another disclaimer: a lot of this chapter I sourced from Harry Potter Wiki - so one, this is true in the HP universe and two, I cannot take credit for anything to do with Patronuses.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS

* * *

"Today we're going to practice Patronuses. The Patronus Charm is a very useful but very difficult piece of Defensive Magic. Who knows what they can do?"

I raise my hand.

"Miss Evans?"

"The Patronus Charm conjures a spirit guardian which can ward off Dementors and Lethifolds to which there is no other protection. They can also send messages and guide people."

"Well done Miss Evans. I do not expect anyone in this room to be able to produce a Patronus as not only is it an extremely difficult and advanced piece of magic, it can be very dangerous if it goes wrong. I have taken exemplary precautions to stop the worst happening but it is down to you to not do anything stupid. Does anybody know what Miranda Goshawk said about the Patronus Charm?"

Nobody puts up their hand.

"Miranda Goshawk said," he flicks his wand at the blackboard.

It reads: _This ancient and mysterious charm conjures a magical guardian, a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus, a guardian which generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity. You may suspect, but you will never truly know what form your Patronus will take until you succeed in conjuring it._

"To cast the spell, you say _Expecto Patronum _and think of the moment where you felt the happiest.. This is the hand movement," Professor Jenks moves his wrist in a circle-like shape.

"Professor, if this magic is really hard and dangerous, why are we learning it?" Dorcas asks.

"What? Scared you're not powerful enough," Padfoot goads her in a rancorous way.

"Mr Black," Professor Jenks warns, "to answer your question Miss Meadowes, we're learning the Patronus Charm because it will invaluable to you. Especially in the war."

"What's a corporeal Patronus?" Alice asks.

"A corporeal Patronus is one which takes the form of an animal whereas an incorporeal Patronus is one which does not resemble an animal or any living creature, for that matter. An incorporeal Patronus has very few distinguishable features, if there are any. So an incorporeal Patronus may resemble a burst of silver vapour or smoke from the tip of your wand –"

Sirius and a few other immature gits start snickering into their hands. Jesus. They find something dirty in everything.

"Would you kindly inform me what is so funny?"

"Well, you said an incorporeal Patronus may resemble a _burst of silver vapour or smoke_ from the _tip of your wand_," Sirius stresses out the words 'bursts', 'silver' and 'wand'.

The whole class erupts with rapturous laughter. The whole lot of them are sickening.

"Mr Black might I remind you that you are on your final warning," Professor Jenks narrows his eyes at Sirius. "Anyway, an incorporeal Patronus, whilst still a form of the Patronus Charm, is regarded as a weaker version of the true charm but even producing an incorporeal Patronus is admirable magic."

"Lily said that you could use them for communication. Wouldn't the Dark Side be able to intercept the messages?" Frank Longbottom asks.

"No, Professor Dumbledore first decided to use Patronuses for communication as they can identify the castor and receiver and are 'dark proof'. Very secure. Using them for communication however, is exclusive to certain _members_."

"What do you mean, Professor?" Frank frowns.

"Don't let it bother you, Mr Longbottom. I'm sure Professor Dumbledore has talked to most of you about joining."

The class looks at him, mystified. I know what he's on about though, it's obvious. The Order of the Phoenix. It's only the Order that uses Patronuses for communication, hence why I know that's one of the uses. Still, talking about the Order is dangerous. Especially in a classroom.

"I thought only wizards and witches with completely pure hearts could cast a Patronus Charm," Melanie Clearwater says. God I hate her.

I almost laugh at her, as _if_. Almost anyone can cast a Patronus.

"Miss Clearwater that is simply hearsay, so long as you are not a Dark Wizard or Witch it should work. Although Dark Wizards cannot use the Patronus as it is as I said, 'dark proof', the Dark Side has no need for Patronuses, not when they have those creatures working for them."

We all unanimously shudder at the mention of Dark Side creatures.

"I will show you the Patronus Charm," Professor Jenks takes a step back. "Expecto Patronum!"

A kingfisher made of white smoke which illuminates the room shoots from Professor Jenks' wand and soars around the classroom. Professor Jenks points his wand at the kingfisher and it disappears into a wispy silver residue.

"Now, who wants to try and cast a Patronus?" Professor Jenks beams as everyone leans forward eagerly. "We have to be careful, though. If you do manage to cast a fully-fledged corporeal Patronus, they can be quite strong. It takes a great deal of power and concentration to contain and control them. Do not be misled, they can knock things over and send people flying if you so wish. Get into pairs, if you please."

James turns to me and smirks. What's he so pleased about? He leans forward.

"You know they have this theory that your Animagus and Patronus forms are the same. Have you seen Professor McGonagall's? Her Animagus form is a cat and her Patronus is a cat as well. I saw it when I went to the Order in the summer."

"So you think yours' is a stag?" I ask him.

"Yes. How did you…?"

"I saw you and the Marauders once outside the Whomping Willow," I look down at the floor.

"Remus –"

"Yeah I know, I saw."

"Ah. I'll bet Padfoot's is a dog."

"I'm not betting with you."

"Quite right," he winks, "cause I never lose a bet."

I roll my eyes. "Always so cocky."

"You love it really."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"I do, it's part of the reason I'm not quaking in your presence. I know you're just as in awe of my looks as I am."

"Why would you 'quake in my presence'?"

"You're terrifying. Nothing's scarier than a redhead who looks at you like she's going to vaporise you every time you try and flirt with her."

"Flirt?"

"Yes, sweetheart, it's what we're doing now."

"I hadn't noticed," my tone drips with sarcasm, "and don't call me sweetheart!"

James smiles and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. My cheeks turn pink.

"Right," I say, recovering from my stunned state of mind, "shall we try this charm or not?"

"You first."

"No, you."

"You go first."

"_You_ go first."

"I can't go first, ladies always go first."

"And I'm saying you have to go first."

"Fine, at the same time. Ready? Wait! Have you got your happy memory?"

I think back over the years. Then it hits me. When James and I kissed in the woods for the first time since the bet which I don't think counts because we kind of had to. Even just remembering how I felt then gives me a warm tingle. The first time James and I kissed _properly_ and I came away practically trembling. I felt like something was beginning and a new life arising.

"Yeah, you?"

"Yep. Ready? 1,2,3! "

Then we both shout Expecto Patronum. At first, I think nothing's going to happen and then white smoky vapour shoots from my wand to form a solid-looking yet gas-like doe. A feeling of confidence and happiness overwhelms me. I look over at James; his is a stag, like he thought. His stag chases after my doe, the two of them leaving silvery trails of light as they run around crossing each other's paths and jumping around the classroom. I have to flick my wand to stop my doe tripping over Melanie Clearwater (much as I would have liked it). I _did_ it! I cast a corporeal Patronus Charm. One of the most advanced pieces of magic in the world.

Professor Jenks comes over, looking stunned and in awe.

"Well done Miss Evans and Mr Potter! That was simply incredible. You know they say that soul mates' Patronuses match? Quite interesting, the power love has to play on magical ability. It is often believed in the Wizarding community that being in love or having a soul mate gives your magic an unusual and powerful flair. I'm very impressed! Oh, Mr Black! Please control your Patronus or put it away!"

"We're not…" I begin, but Professor Jenks goes to scold Sirius.

"I told you so," James says in a sing-song voice.

"_Tsh_, he said 'they say', that doesn't mean it's true!"

"We'll see, my darling Lily-flower. It's not a coincidence, you know. An Epiphany of the Soul, our Patronuses… we're soul mates."

"It's just a stroke of luck on your part. It's a fluke. I'll bet loads of people have matching Patronuses that aren't romantically involved."

"So we're romantically involved?" he says, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Ugh, shut up."

"And what do you mean _loads of people_? You mean like Marlene and Padfoot?"

I look over to where Sirius and Marlene are. Indeed, Mar's Patronus is a female dog – a bitch if you will.

"Another coincidence," I say simply but I'm not so sure.

"What's it going to take to convince you?"

"Proper evidence."

"There is no proper evidence to prove love of the highest degree!"

"Then I guess I'll be naming our child, then."

"You're impossibly stubborn and difficult, you know?"

"I do know, but you love me anyway."

"You're manipulative, too."

"Oh that's rich!"

"And what are you implying?"

"I'm _implying_ that you are a manipulative twit."

"When have _I_ ever been manipulative?"

"Let's see, you manipulated Slughorn to let you stay at his party, you blackmailed Peeves, you picked on the first years and made them lie about what had really happened, you pick on poor Wormtail and make him do stuff for you and there was that time –"

"Okay! You've made your point!"

I smile in triumph.

"This isn't over, I will prove you wrong. Soul mates do exist!"

"In don't believe you."

"You're such a Muggle sometimes, Lily."

"And what does that mean?"

"You underestimate the power of love."

"You sound like Professor Dumbledore."

"Yeah well, Dumbledore's right sometimes, you know."

"Maybe, he said that love will give me the strength when I need it most."

"What did he mean?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

POTIONS – PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

* * *

I can't believe she doesn't believe in soul mates. Furthermore, how can one not accept the obvious evidence put in front of one's self? Come on! Her Patronus is a doe, mine is a stag. Professor Jenks _said_ that soul mates have complementary Patronuses. What more does she want?

"…and this potion is Amortentia. Does anybody know what it does? Miss Evans perhaps?"

I roll my eyes, Lily is Slughorn's favourite student.

"Amortentia is the most powerful love potion in the world. It causes an infatuation and obsession in the drinker. When drunk it can make the drinker excited or precariously unstable. It has a mother-of-pearl sheen, spiralling steam and it's smell composes of different things to every person. For example, I smell old books, mint leaves, freshly baked cakes, rosemary and er…" she blushes heavily.

I hold back a laugh. Lily doesn't like being laughed at in front of people and I do not want to get on her bad side. I wonder what the last thing she smelt was but I can have a pretty good guess.

"Well done, Miss Evans! Ten points to Gryffindor. One should never drink Amortentia alone, the effects are instantaneous and as Miss Evans said, will make you excited and dangerously unstable. Not only would this be very embarrassing for you, but could potentially cause harm to yourself or others. If you so desire, you may smell the potion and write down what you smell but our main focus is the use of these potions for Defence purposes. Some of these potions could save your life or at least buy you some time so I implore you to listen carefully."

One by one, we all go up and smell the cauldron. I inhale. I can smell a sea breeze, fresh linen, sandalwood, bonfires and cinnamon and vanilla. Cinnamon and vanilla are Lily's scent. I smell them every time I smell her hair or have my nose anywhere near her. The smell always makes me calm but at the same time, a little excited and nervous.

"…obviously the best way to stay alive is to avoid near-death situations," Slughorn chuckles, "but should you ever encounter a time when you need to stay alive, a bezoar should cure more common poisons but the Extra Strength Potion QWC will give you a boost of extra strength. Whilst we're on healing potions –"

"Sir, what is the Elixir of Life?"

"Oh. Well the Elixir of Life grants the drinker extended life if taken regularly. It must be made using the Philosopher's Stone but the stone itself is with its creator, Nicolas Flamel. If the drinker becomes reliant on the potion and does not take the potion when its effects wear off, then they will die."

"So it will make you live forever?"

Slughorn chuckles. "It is never wise to have your very existence reliant on taking a potion."

I nudge Lily.

"What was the last thing you smelt?" I ask her. Colour rises to her cheeks.

"Just shut up and listen to Professor Slughorn."

"I'll tell you what I smelt."

She still has her eyes on Professor Slughorn and I can see her brain absorbing all the knowledge he's sprouting out but I can see part of her attention focused on me.

"Oh yeah? What did you smell?"

"A sea breeze, fresh linen, sandalwood, bonfires and cinnamon and vanilla."

She goes even redder at the mention of cinnamon and vanilla.

"I'm trying to concentrate," she hisses.

"Come on, I told you mine."

"Fine, old books, mint leaves, freshly baked cakes, rosemary and you."

"You know what I'm going to say, soul mate."

"So? You smell what attracts you not your soul mate with whom you are supposedly bound to."

"Do you admit you're attracted to me?"

"You already know that."

"You didn't answer the question!"

"It wasn't a question. It was a yes or no answer and the answer is yes."

"Seriously, what do I have to do to prove that soul mates are real?"

"Just shut up and listen to Professor Slughorn."

"You've already said that."

"Yeah and you didn't listen."

"I did listen, I just didn't do it."

"Don't you care at all? This lesson could save our lives!"

"Of course I care but already know all this stuff."

She mutters something about my arrogance before blocking me out completely and giving Slughorn her undivided attention. Merlin, I'll prove that we're soul mates if it's the very last thing I do.


	30. The Anima Charm

**A/N:**** First things first, Anon who said they found it "truly unbelievable that James, Lily and Sirius could all produce a full Patronus on their first time trying it." **

**In my defence, I say: Marlene could also produce a corporeal Patronus (you missed that out) and also that the happier the memory, the more talented the witch/wizard, the older they are (more experience) the more chance they have of doing it right first time. Not to mention the difference being soul mates and having a great amount of love in your life makes to the power of your magic. Not to say that Harry Potter not being able to do it first time shows that he is a weak wizard, because he is a powerful wizard, but everyone is different. So surely some people will pick it up easily and others won't ever be able to? **

**In retrospect, it is unlikely and a little unbelievable. You do have to be careful when writing for a mythical universe that you make the unbelievable as plausible as possible. This is my first Fanfiction story so I will make mistakes and that was one of them but I will get better. I appreciate you taking the time to review. So thank you.**

**Obviously, I do not own the Harry Potter universe, all credit to J K Rowling.**

**Sorry this is so long. Enjoy! **

**Oh and there is some Jily action in this chapter - again nothing overly graphic. I will warn you when it occurs. **

**By the way, I put in these warnings for my younger sister. She's not much younger than me, she just doesn't particularly enjoy reading what I refer to as 'Jily action'.**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

THE ANIMA CHARM

THREE DAYS BEFORE THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS

* * *

"No seriously though! I'm really worried about who I'll be paired with," Alice says.

"Whom. With _whom_ I will be paired with," I correct her.

"Help me! It's the grammar police!" Alice says. I roll my eyes.

"It's not my fault you can't speak properly."

"Anyway," Alice glares at me mock-angrily, "with _whom_ do you think I'll be paired with?"

"I don't know, Alice," Mar says, "the Anima Charm is quite sexist and traditional as it pairs people up using blood status, wealth and intelligence. I've been reading –"

"You? _Reading_?" Alice's eyes pop out at Mar.

"What are you trying to say?" Mar demands.

"Nothing, nothing," Alice mutters.

"Anyway, I've been reading up on Mr Valcon and he's _seriously_ sexist. His Marriage Law states that the man owns the woman and everything the woman owns. We have no rights whatsoever."

"So if the guy domestically abuses you, you can't do anything about it?" I ask, shocked.

"No! If the guy you're married to doesn't like something you do, he technically has the _right_ to abuse you."

"That's awful. What about same-sex marriages? I've heard a few rumours about it. Seeing as it's legal to be gay as of '67."

"The law is designed to increase the population. Sadly, same-sex couples can't reproduce so the law excludes the idea of sexuality."

"So if you're homosexual you're stuck in a heterosexual marriage?" Alice asks in complete consternation.

"Yeah," Mar sighs, "besides, Hogwarts is in Scotland and in Scotland it's still illegal to be gay." **(It becomes legal to be gay in Scotland in the year 1981 – a very important year in Wizarding history and for all LGB people and general society. Go equality!)**

"Life's a load of shit," Alice laments.

"Chin up, it could be worse. I don't know how, but it could be," I say. **(That's a quote from Winnie the Pooh, by the way. I can't take credit.)**

"Still. We have a sexist Minister and we're in the depths of a war and we're still not allowed to fight."

"I agree with you there," I say, "I'm getting fidgety sitting in school when I could be hexing Death Eaters."

"Do you think you'd ever kill a Death Eater?" Alice asks.

"I don't know. On the one hand, I would because they killed my parents but on the other hand I wouldn't kill them. The death of my parents made me realise what a terrible thing it is to take someone's life away from them."

"Yeah, but this is war. In war, morals and ethics don't apply."

"That's not true," I reason, "yes, in a life threatening situation I'd kill them but otherwise it's just murder."

"I'd kill a Death Eater. They're killing all those children and innocent Muggles for no other reason than Blood Status. Who's avenging _them_? Who's protecting _their_ honour?"

"War is one of the most terrible things you can inflict on the human race," I'm surprised to find myself quoting Dumbledore. "Why would you want to impose _more_ pain?"

"Pah. They're heartless bastards. The lot of 'em," Alice dismisses.

I exhale, it's hard to make Alice see straight when she's in this mood. Mar and I call it her Vampire mood - when she rejects the idea that humans have feelings and just wants murder and blood. It's usually when she's either tired or really fed up with life which is most likely down to hormones.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

"…and I told him that I loved him and he –he didn't –he didn't… he didn't say it back, Severus!" Narcissa paces up and down the common room.

Narcissa and Lucius have been going through a shaky patch at the minute. A trivial problem to me. I have more pressing matters to deal with - like finding something to offer the Dark Lord and how to protect Lily until I find that something.

"Oh… that's appalling…" I say as she looks at me intently, waiting for a response.

"I know! And then just a few hours ago, I was talking about the wedding and he just said 'yeah, whatever, listen I need to sort something out'. Can you _believe_ that?"

"No, it's abysmal."

Narcissa then warbles on about all the conversations she's had with Lucius which may convey some hidden intentions. Merlin, I wish she'd shut up and get into perspective. Who cares about what Lucius says? No, I care about Lily's life and the rest of the Wizarding world.

"…what if he doesn't love me anymore?" that's when I snap back to what she's saying. She breaks down into sobs.

"Oh Narcissa…" I put my arm around her as she sits down.

Despite the fact that I find her boy problems irritating and a nuisance, I hate seeing her upset. She's the closest thing I have to family.

"I know it's silly. I mean we're getting married! He must love me but then again… if he didn't marry me for love, our marriage would probably be arranged anyway. Bella and Lestrange have been engaged since Bella was eight and I think it'll work out for them. Everything works out for Bella."

"That's not true. Her hair isn't working out for her at the moment and she doesn't even care about love and marriage and all that stuff. The stuff you care about is often hard to get, you have to work for it which is why you care about it so much."

"I suppose you're right."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know you're like a brother to me, Severus."

"I know and you're the sister I never had."

"It's nice isn't it?"

"What is?"

"Having a family."

"I presume so."

"It is," she insists, "complete unconditional love and support."

"It is nice," I say at last.

I remember the family Narcissa wants to have: Draco and Cassiopeia. I feel a surge of protectiveness. How could I forget? It's not just Lily and Narcissa I'm protecting. It's Narcissa's dream and happiness which is also important to me.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

THE DAY OF THE ANIMA CHARM

* * *

We all file into the hall. I catch Lily's eye from across the hall, she smiles at me nervously. I grin back. Padfoot's grouchy because he had to get up earlier than usual.

"What right have they got, pulling us out of bed at this un-Merlin-ly hour?"

"You should go to sleep earlier then," Moony counters.

"That's not possible! I have a _girlfriend_, Moony."

"So does Prongs."

"Yeah and Prongs doesn't have a sex life," Padfoot smirks.

"Shut up," I mumble.

"No, I'm curious Prongs. What _do_ you do with Evans?"

"That's none of your business, Padfoot."

"Aw come on, we tell each other everything."

"We're not girls."

"So? Do girls have dibs on telling each other everything? Who decided that was girly thing, anyway? If I want to talk to my fellow Marauders then I vote I should be able to. Freedom of speech and all. Besides, Prongs, if Evans caught you being sexist –"

"Just shut the fuck up, Padfoot."

"All right, all right, message understood. You don't want to talk about it."

_What do I do with Evans?_ As if that's any of his business at all. Not that there's anything much to hide. We just snog and occasionally end up naked. Nothing more. She usually stops before we get too far and I don't want to push her. If it takes time, it takes time and love isn't all about sex. Lily and I are quite intimate – we talk loads and tell each other everything. Merlin, now I'm being hypocritical. Besides, if I did push her well… it would suck to go back to the way things were in fourth, fifth and sixth year. We have an understanding of one another, whether that's the whole soul mate thing or maybe we both just really like talking. We also like reading which helps because I've dated some girls who have no interest in anything but sex. Actually, the one topic Lily doesn't like discussing -other than Snivellus- are my ex-girlfriends.

"Welcome students! I hope you've all done some reading on the Anima Charm and Marriage Law. If not, never mind, I will go through everything now. The Anima Charm will be cast on your arm; the magic will travel to your soul where all the information we need will be stored. We will pair so that the Purebloods are spread out among the Muggle-borns, we will pair people up according to intelligence and your family's wealth and title. Hopefully this will lead to your child being brought up in a respected and safe environment. Please stay in the hall until 12 o'clock. You will get your pairs back over the Christmas holidays. Have a good day."

The Minister of Magic walks away from the podium and a couple of dozen Ministry officials come around to cast the charm. This is going to take ages. I look for Lily but I can't find her.

"You know last night, McKinnon and I –"

"Let me stop you right there, Padfoot," Moony says, "I really don't want to know."

"What I was going to say," Padfoot whispers to me and Wormtail, "is that we did it in the broom cupboard on the third floor so if you heard noises…"

"Disgusting, Padfoot."

"Hey! Are you afraid of sex of something?"

"No, I just don't need to know. Anyway, a _broom cupboard_?"

"Well yeah, where else can we do it?"

"The dormitory?"

"Nah, you guys are always there and Moony doesn't appreciate sex in the dorms. Being a prefect and all," Padfoot frowns at Moony who rolls his eyes. "You're so lucky having your own Common Room and dorm, Prongs."

"Seriously, a _broom cupboard_? It's not…"

"What?"

"It's not very romantic."

"McKinnon and I don't do romance."

"What do you do then?" Wormtail asks stupidly.

"Sex, duh. Were you even listening Wormtail?"

"Yeah," Wormtail says idiotically.

"You know when they were handing out brains, I think Wormtail got lost on his way there," Padfoot shakes his head disbelievingly.

"Or he did get there, but lost his brain the minute he touched it," I suggest.

"Guys," Moony says, disapprovingly.

"What?" Padfoot and I both demand in unison.

"You've got to stop picking on Wormtail."

"Why? It's not our fault he can't stick up for himself."

"No, but we're supposed to be friends. Even closer, right? We're the Marauders! And Wormtail is one of us too."

"We'll try to include him next time, mother," Padfoot says, mimicking a girlish tone.

"You're such a twat," Moony says.

"I know," Padfoot says briskly, "why is this taking so long? I could have slept longer!"

"You're a lazy git," Wormtail pipes up.

"I must be so tired, I'm hallucinating. 'Cause I just heard Wormtail say something which wasn't brain-dead," Padfoot says.

"You're not hallucinating, I said something witty."

"I wouldn't go as far as witty but… sure."

I remember the last time Wormtail came up with something vaguely intelligent – which was a long time ago. Merlin bless Wormtail. If he wasn't there, we wouldn't have half the fun and light-hearted conversations we do. He makes any situation less serious.

A witch comes over and casts the charm over my arm, I feel an out-of-body experience as the magic runs through my veins. It's sort of cold but nice. Then the witch moves on.

* * *

HEAD BOY AND GIRL'S COMMON ROOM

* * *

"Thank you, by the way," Lily says.

"For what exactly?"

"Agreeing to come with me to meet Tuney and Vernon."

"It's nothing; it would be criminal to make you go by yourself."

"Still, they're both a handful. Vernon especially. He'll probably try and provoke you but try not to retaliate. I am a little annoyed with Tuney because she always wanted to go to university and study Physics but _Vernon_ wants her to get a low-paid job at most or preferably stay at home and be a housewife. I said that was out of order. Tuney always wanted to have a career and a decent job and do her own thing but she can't stand up to Vernon. He's been telling her things, making her a lot more judgemental and snobbish. I just don't know what to do. Tuney deserves so much better but she just doesn't want to hear it. Vernon's her whole world; she's become so dependent on him."

"Then the best you can do is to support her. If she's not listening to what you're saying and her mind is set, then the only thing you can do is help her if it goes wrong."

"Yeah but isn't it my duty to make sure she isn't in that situation in the first place?"

"You're her sister, not her guardian."

"I suppose," she sighs, "I just feel so useless. If she gets hurt in this relationship, I'll never forgive myself."

"You need to stop worrying about other people. Do something you want to do for a change."

"That would be nice," she says thoughtfully, "I've been running around being sociable and helping people with _their_ problems all day. Thanks for listening by the way."

"Anytime."

**Jily action commencing. You have been warned, it's mostly just talk of the sex, though.**

She gets up from where she's sitting next to me on the sofa. I frown a little. Why has she moved? She then turns to face me and sits down again, straddling my waist. We've never done this before. She's so _close_ to me. We've never been this physically close before.

"W-what?" I splutter.

"Sh! I can see you over-thinking this! I'm doing what _I _want. If you want me to stop…"

"No!"

She kisses me on the lips. We kiss harder, I take her shirt off and she takes mine off. She starts taking off her bra before I have a chance to admire her. I take off my trousers, she takes off hers'. Then we're both naked and kissing hard. I shift her to the side so her back is on the sofa and I'm on top of her. Our hands are roaming each other's bodies. Every time one of us finds a spot which the other really likes, we respond by moaning.

She pushes up from underneath me and pushes me so that she's on top of me. She sits up so she's straddling my waist again. The burning passion and desire is almost too much to handle but we haven't really talked about sex. We should really talk about it beforehand.

"What do _you_ want?" she asks me, sincerely.

"Merlin, Lily you _know_ what I want. It's more of a case of what _you_ want."

"What does that mean? Are you calling me prude?" she looks at me accusatorially.

"No. It's just, you've always stopped us before we get too far and I thought –"

"Yeah well I've been thinking about it a lot and I don't want to do it just because some law says we have to. I want to do it on my own terms."

"And what exactly is 'it'?" I tease her.

"You know what," she blushes, "sex."

"If you're going to get embarrassed by just _saying_ 'sex' then are you sure you're ready to actually do it?"

"Yes."

"Right," I say, slightly taken aback. Of course I'd thought about it but I'd never actually thought about it happening for real.

"Is that all you can say? 'Right'?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Something sweet? What do you normally say to girls when they agree to have sex with you?"

"What makes you think they agree to have sex with _me_ and not the other way 'round?"

"Ugh, come on really? Do even remember how you were one or two years ago?"

"Okay, you got me. But we normally don't talk. She says yes then we just get to it."

"I take it you're life has lacked romance until now then?"

"To be honest, I never noticed it until now."

"What are you saying?"

"I. Love. You."

"And I love you too, soul mate."

"Did you just say 'soul mate'?"

"Yeah, Mar and Alice kind of persuaded me."

"Looks like I was right."

"Yeah, it does."

Lily shifts and every cell in my body burns. Her breath hitches. She stands up.

"So… how do we do this?"

"What did you say earlier? Because this time _you're_ over-thinking things. Just relax, do what feels right."

She pulls a face. "And if I do it wrong?"

"Who's ever heard of Lily Evans doing something wrong?"


	31. A Disastrous First Meeting

**A/N:**** Hello! Here is another chapter for you. The year is still 1977, so quite a way to go. Lily and James graduate in 1978 so come to think of it, we're not far off. Thank you for sticking with this story, it is my first Fanfic but I hope it's not too bad. **

**Once again, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter! Have a good day.**

* * *

THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS

THE MCKINNON (PREV. LIGHTWOOD) MANSION

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"I cannot believe I'm paired with Remus," Alice says, throwing her letter on Mar's kitchen table with abhorrence.

"What's wrong with Remus?" I ask, scowling at her.

"Nothing's wrong with _Remus_. It's just, everybody else gets cool pairings and I'm stuck with the smart guy."

"And what's wrong with smart guys?" Mar asks, waving her wand at the juice carton so that it pours three glasses of orange juice.

"Well, a number of things. First of all, the romance –"

"Is awkward but actually really sweet," Mar cuts in.

"Hm," Alice pulls a face, "and then there's the kissing –"

"Not all smart guys are bad at kissing. True, they tend not be very experienced but they sure learn fast," Mar chuckles at her own joke.

"Still, a _nerd_?" Alice scoffs.

"You happen to be best friends with the biggest female nerd in our year," I say, raising my eyebrows at her.

"That's different, this is _marriage_," the three glasses of orange juice float over to where we're leaning on the table.

"Would you rather marry Amos?" Mar asks.

"No," Alice sighs, "I guess I've got nothing to complain about then."

"That's a first," Mar mutters, taking a sip of orange juice.

"You two were _so _lucky."

"Yeah, we are," I smile to myself. I got James in my paring and Mar got Sirius. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

"What are you doing this Christmas?" Alice asks, after a while.

"Well, I'm seeing my sister and her fiancée with James at a Muggle restaurant which I'm half assuming will be a disaster. Then on Christmas Day, I'm spending it with the Potters and Sirius."

"Of course," Mar laughs, "because you live there now."

"Hardly, I'm mostly at your mansion or at Hogwarts. James sent me an owl yesterday saying he missed me."

"Already?" Alice teases, "it's only been a _day_."

"I know but we're used to spending a load of time with each other."

"So much so, you neglect your best friends," Mar says, giving me a cold look.

"Like you don't spend most of your time with Sirius," I snort.

"We spend the nights together, the rest of my time is dedicated to my social life."

"Oh about spending nights with people…" I blush heavily.

"You did it, didn't you?" Mar's face cracks into a mad grin.

"Yeah."

"Why? I thought you wanted to wait until marriage."

"I did, but that was when I thought I'd be able to marry whomever I wanted. I was worried I wouldn't be paired with James and I wanted him to be my first and for us to do it because we love each other not because some law says we have to."

"So? Details?"

"It was… painful at first but after that it was quite enjoyable."

"Get you, Lil. So grown up," Mar smiles. I feel a little sad, that sounds like something my mother would say. Though I doubt she'd be proud of me for losing my virginity.

"So this means none of us are virgins then?" Alice says.

"You…?" I look at her bewildered.

"Yeah," she turns pink, "with Amos."

"You did it with that _git_?" Mar asks, dumbfounded.

"I didn't know what I was doing!" she says defensively. "I thought it was what he wanted."

"What about what _you_ wanted?" I scowl at her.

"Look, I just did whatever made him happy. I didn't particularly like it or want to do it again."

"Just like Lily and her first kiss then," Mar smirks.

"I was _trying_ to forget that experience," I groan.

"We're never letting you forget."

"I don't even know why I'm friends with you two."

"Because you love us dearly even though we humiliate you."

"Whatever you say," I smile at them both. I really do love my best friends. What would I do without them?

* * *

DINNER AT THE MUGGLE RESTAURANT

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

It's six o'clock and Lily hasn't turned up yet. Mind you, she did say ten past but still. I followed her advice and dressed smartly, I don't want another reason for this Vernon to dislike me. Then someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around. It's Lily. She's pinned back the front parts of her curly ginger hair so that it hangs elegantly down her back and around her shoulders without getting in her face. She's wearing a dark blue silky shirt and a red skirt.

"You look dazzling," I tell her. She smiles and stands on her tiptoes to kiss me.

"So do you, very handsome."

"Are you nervous?"

"Am I ever? I'm quivering inside."

"It'll be fine."

"I put an awful lot of trust in you, James."

"You just love me too much."

"I do," she says very seriously.

I kiss her again.

"Ready?" she says when we pull away. "Let's meet the monsters."

"I hope you're joking," I say. She just smiles in response.

We walk into the restaurant, Lily leading the way. How odd. There are people holding trays and plates, what a waste of time and energy. Lily sits down at a table with a thin sullen blonde woman and a rather large man with a red face of a pig. So this is Lily's existing family. I assume her parent's looks were inherited only by her. I dread to think what _their_ children will look like.

"Hello, this is my fiancé, James Potter. James this is Tuney –"

"Petunia!" the twig-like and apparently judgemental woman snaps.

"Sorry, this is my sister _Petunia_ and her fiancé Vernon Dursley."

I hold out my hand. Vernon turns his snout up at it and grunts.

"Pleased to meet you," Petunia sniffs.

"And you," I say politely.

We sit in an awkward silence.

"So, Petunia, why don't you tell James how you and Vernon met?" Lily asks, after a while.

"I left Cokeworth when _your lot_ burned down my house," I begin to open my mouth to protest but Lily kicks me. "I went to London to do a typing course which led to my getting a clerical job. I met Vernon at the company, he was junior executive –"

"I'm now a salesman, in drills. Grunnings, you've heard it, have you?" Vernon cuts Petunia off.

"I can't say I have," I say, confused. What is a drill?

"Well, if you ever need a drill we have the best. I met darling Petunia at my previous company. She took my fancy, you see. So I courted her, took her on a few dates and then proposed to her in the living room of my mother's house!" he chortles.

Petunia forces an endearing smile at her hysterical husband.

"And how – did you two – er – meet?" Petunia asks, lining up her cutlery which was already straight.

"I met him on the train to Hogwarts –"

"We said we wouldn't talk about," Petunia lowers her voice, "_that place_."

"Fine," Lily says snappily, "we met on the train to school."

"She hated me at first," I smile at her, "but I won her over."

"This school," Vernon says, leaning forward so I can see all seven of his chins, "this is the one for freaks?"

"We're not freaks," Lily says tautly.

"Petunia?" Vernon asked, his eyebrows furrowed into his giant pink head.

Petunia nodded curtly in confirmation. Is everything she does always so cold?

Petunia and Lily started talking to each other in short clipped-toned whispers.

"So, fellow… what car do you drive?"

"Car?" what is a car? Oh wait! I remember, Lily said Muggles use them to get around.

"I drive a Vauxhall Chevette. Very good, correct car you see," he says proudly, sticking out his chest.

Ah, so they boast about their 'cars' like we do about our brooms.

"I don't drive a… car."

"No I don't suspect you do," he says, staring at me with a look oozing superiority. He's a bit too smug for my liking.

I scowl. This man and his so called 'car' will not get the better of me.

"You see… _fellow_, we don't drive 'cars'. I have a broomstick. A Nimbus 1700, one of the finest racing brooms ever made."

"A broomstick? Like what you sweep floors with?"

"No," I say, annoyed, this Muggle is certainly slow on the uptake, "one which you fly on."

"Oh, like those witches on Halloween? I do despise Halloween. Completely abnormal behaviour, it's disgraceful."

"You don't like abnormal behaviour do you?"

"Of course not! What is it you do for a living anyway?"

"I'm still at school, studying for my NEWTS."

"Brainy, eh? Smart people never get anything good in life."

"Is that so?" this man is infuriating.

"Mhm, I was telling Petunia the other day, education is necessary. Once you can leave, you should. Get a job, start doing your bit. Settle down. You know, normal behaviour. Look at me, went to Smeltings then got a job and now here I am with a wonderful fiancé."

"What have you got against education and knowledge?"

"Well," Vernon considers this, stroking one of his chins, "I suppose it's more to do with the thinking. Such a dull and thinky subject, education. No. One is better off getting the experience over with."

"In the Wizarding World, we value intelligence very highly."

"You would," he snorts, "being freaks. Petunia told me all about your lot. A bunch of horrid nasty people which burn down houses. That's why you're in your world and we're in ours. It's for own protection."

"Petunia told you that?"

"Yes she did."

"And what exactly does Petunia know about the Wizarding World?"

"Enough," he barks, "enough to know that your lot are strange and to be avoided."

He takes a drink from his beer. I crack my knuckles under the table. The only reason I'm not at this pompous bastard's throat is because of Lily. Get through this dinner for Lily.

"Such a waste," he says bitterly, "your lot clogging up the world, draining our expenses because you all live on unemployment benefits!"

"You think we _need_ Muggles?" I demand. I've just about had it with this man.

"What on Earth is a moo-gull? Speak English, fellow!"

"A non-magical person," I say impatiently, "besides, I don't live off your unemployment benefits."

"Well of course you do, how else would you afford living expenses?"

"I have a vault, at Gringotts. Full of Galleons, you know, gold. My parent's fortune."

"Ha! Galleons indeed. You're having me on, aren't you? There's no such thing as a Gringotts!"

"No, really, I am very financially comfortable."

"Pah! Don't you play games with me, fellow! Your lot are a load of freakish unemployed dependant twits!"

"No we're not. I'm telling you _fellow_, we wizards and witches don't care for your Muggle money at all."

"You're joking. That's –that's –preposterous! There can't –can't be! You're lying –this freak is lying Petunia!"

"No! Why can't you get it into your thick head that we don't need Muggles to survive?"

"PETUNIA!" he roars, going red with rage, "we're leaving! I did not come here to be made a fool of!"

I watch as he storms out of the restaurant, Petunia following on her spindly legs behind. Lily bursts into tears. I leave a check on the table and Lily and I leave the restaurant. Thunder rumbles outside and rain falls heavily. Could this day get any worse?

* * *

THE POTTER MANSION

* * *

"I just can't believe it went that badly!" she says, dropping her bag on my hallway. Well, technically it's her hallway too.

"I know."

"They're the most heinous couple I've ever met! He's so conceited! A conceited ignoramus!"

"I know."

"And Petunia! Dear God, that girl has changed. She had the nerve to say I should leave my freakish life and be normal – so that we could stay sisters. I told her the idea was ridiculous, of course. As for her job… I really don't know what to say. She's not working, of course. No, she's settled in nicely in this perfect house in Surrey! _Surrey_! She didn't even tell me she was moving to Surrey. The last I heard, she was thinking about university so she could take her career further. Then all of a sudden she's a housewife at home. Sitting about all day. She had all these plans and what came out of it? Nothing."

Lily practically peels off her coat which is so soaked; it's stuck to her body. She sighs as she sits down on the first stair case and yanks off her boots.

"I'm going to have a bath," she says, turning to go up the stairs. Then she stops, "thanks for enduring the train crash with me."

"You're welcome, Lil. I'll see you in a bit?"

"Yeah," she smiles before turning on her heel – Apparating away.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I turn on the bath taps with a flick of my wand, the smell of lavender and lemongrass reaches my nose. What a night.

I strip off all my clothes, grab my dressing gown and pull it around me. After everything that's happened, I just need to rest. I hear my bedroom door open. I go out of the bathroom to see who it is.

"Padfoot," I beam at him.

"Hey, Evans. How was your dinner?"

"Catastrophic. Absolutely awful."

"I'm sorry to hear that. James said something about a pompous pig?"

"Oh," I laugh, "he means my sister's fiancé, Vernon."

"He sounds unbearable, why did you agree to go?"

"Because they're family."

"I suppose that makes sense, even if they are complete idiots, family is family."

"You'd understand better than most," I rest my head on the doorframe, "is there a point to this conversation?"

"Do you not enjoy my company Evans? But yes, there is a point, so your sister's getting married over the holidays, right?"

"In three days, yes."

"Yeah, well I heard that my darling cousin Narcissa is getting married to the Malfoy snake."

"And why should this interest me?"

"It shouldn't, but the wedding falls on the same day as your sister and Snivellus and Bellatrix will be attending… with the venues only thirty miles apart, the probability of running into them is quite high –"

"And you're worried I'll go into some kind of fit of panic and terror and die just from seeing them?"

"It sounds silly when you say it like that, but yes."

"I'll be fine. I'm completely over the whole thing."

"Really?" he asks, doubtfully, "because your nightmares…"

"And how would you know about then?" I ask hotly.

"You kind of shout in your sleep. It's hard _not_ to hear you."

"Oh. Well don't worry. I've got it under control."

"Hmmm… Moony is coming over soon. Dorea asked him to stay for Christmas."

"What about his family?" I frown.

"Family issues."

"Does this mean Wormy's coming as well?"

"No, why should it mean that?"

"Well, you never invite Moony without inviting Wormtail as well. You always said there's no point in having only three Marauders."

"Well Wormtail's busy," Sirius says shortly.

"Did you guys fall out or something?"

"Yeah, or something."

"What's up?"

"Like I'm going to tell you," he scoffs. I look pointedly into his eyes. "Fine! He's always off doing his own business and we think he's borrowing Prong's cloak 'cause he doesn't show up on the map and he won't tell us where he's going. It's a little suspicious!"

"Is Wormy not allowed to have a life?"

"But that's the problem! Wormtail's never had a life before. It's weird. Almost as weird as the time Prongs and I caught Wormtail and his fiancé Melanie Clearwater kissing. Either Clearwater's blind or under some kind of spell –"

"Or she'll kiss anything in trousers."

"Not jealous, are you?"

"Any girl is _welcome_ to Wormy, in fact, I wish her all the best with him."

"Not about Wormtail, Evans. We all know you hate Clearwater. Why is that again?"

"Piss off, if you're going to be annoying, you can get out."

"That's no way to talk to your brother-in-law."

"You're not my brother yet."

"As good as."

"Good night, Padfoot."

"Aw come on Evans, we were having a nice chat."

"Don't you have Mar to talk to?"

"She's in Italy, I think."

"Really? I thought she was visiting family in Wales."

"Same thing."

"Wales and Italy are definitely _not _the same thing. I need to sleep."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Only if I'm unlucky," I call after him.


	32. Winter Weddings

**A/N:**** Hello again, this update is long overdue, so sorry about that. As you know, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit to J K Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended. **

**There is some Jily action in this chapter.**

**Please review! **

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

THE DAY OF NARCISSA AND PETUNIA'S WEDDINGS

AT THE CHAPEL

* * *

Today is the day when Narcissa and Lucius will marry. I've had to put up with Narcissa's nervous jitters all day. All I've been doing is complimenting her, reassuring her, helping her, calming her down when she gets panicky, smiling at her family, making small talk with her annoying relatives and friends, hopelessly attempting to be enthusiastic and putting up with people in general. Now I remember why I'm never nice to anyone – it's takes up way too much of my time.

This one particular aunt of hers had the audacity to look at me with pity and say 'It must be awful to watch the girl of your dreams get married before your eyes whilst sitting back idly'. I just walked away at that. Sure, Narcissa is pretty and she's funny and sweet. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with her. I mean, have you seen Lily Evans? I'm in love with Lily Evans and the saddest part of that revelation is that she doesn't feel the same way. Whenever we pass, I can see the reflection of her screams in her eyes. Then I feel despicable and cowardly, how could I do that to her? Then again, her and Potter have been spending a lot of time together, maybe I'm not the only one joining the enemy. Apparently they were paired together. I think that's just hearsay, as if Lily would marry Potter. Anyone in their right mind…

I look across the road from the chapel Narcissa's is getting married in to the long road which leads to a small church. Lily Evans is walking down that road, looking beautiful as always, with none other than Potter walking next to her. He puts his arm around her waist and she pushes him away when he leans in to kiss her. I smile smugly. He pushes her back. I feel deflated again; they're only being playful with each other. I'd hoped they were arguing. He then grabs her hand and they walk along happily, their movements as one.

What right has he got to be there? It should be me making her laugh, like I once used to. It should be me making her smile, like I once used to. Potter has no right to take everything I love away from me. Is bullying me and messing up my life not a big enough victory for him? Must he hurt me further by taking away the girl I love? So called justice. People like him always get the easy life, the rest of us have to work for it.

"Severus?" Narcissa calls from the hallway.

"Yeah?" I yell back.

"Can you help me with my dress?"

"Why can't Bellatrix do it?" I whine as she comes in, her hands on her hips.

"Because she doesn't want to."

"_I_ don't want to."

"Please Severus, for me?" she pouts.

"Urgh, fine."

I help her zip up her dress and tie all the ribbons. This is the first and last time I do anything to do with wedding dresses. Narcissa's is emerald green and she took my advice and some of her hair has silver braided into it. She really does look pretty.

"Do I look okay?" she asks, looking worried.

"Of course you do, you look amazing. Lucius will be mesmerised."

"You really think so?"

"Yeah, I just said so, didn't I?"

"Thanks for coming today, Severus. I know you don't like being surrounded by people and I really appreciate it. None of my other friends offered to help me, not even Bella," Narcissa says bitterly.

"Yeah well, you don't want Bellatrix helping you. She'd mess it up somehow, curse all your guests or something."

"I guess," she cracks a smile.

"I can't believe you're getting _married_," I say.

"I know. It feels like everything's finally happening after all those years of dreaming."

"Promise not to disappear and leave me forever once you become a wife?"

"I pinky swear," she smiles, holding out her pinky. We join pinkies. I can't believe she still remembers that.

"I'm going to miss you," I say, choking down emotion which threatens to show.

"I'm not going anywhere, Severus. You're still my brother no matter what."

"I know. You deserve this, Narcissa. I want you to be happy."

"And I am happy, Severus."

"You're lucky, you know. Having somebody."

"Oh Severus, there are plenty of girls out there –"

"Not for me there's not."

"Still head over heels in love for her then?" Narcissa asks, sitting down next to me in her enormous dress.

"Yes. I've tried, Narcissa. I've tried so hard to forget all about her and carry on but I can't. I have no control over it. I love her and she's moved on. She doesn't care anymore and that's my fault."

"Don't you ever say that, Severus. Don't go blaming yourself for everything. What choice did you have? You had to join. She must know that."

"If she knows, why does she hate me so much?"

"I don't think she hates you. I think she feels betrayed and hurt and she doesn't know what to think. I think she still sees the boy from Spinner's End who used to be her best friend but now she also sees the man who wears the Dark Mark and who spilled her blood on purpose."

"The boy from Spinner's End is gone, Narcissa. He was weak and stupid."

"I think he was sweet and caring."

"You would."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You find the best in everyone. Doesn't it ever occur to you that some people are just evil?"

"Do you want me to hate you?"

"It would make more sense."

"Yeah, but I don't hate you. I think you're a good person who made mistakes. You're not an evil person doing evil. If that's what Lily thinks then she's the one who's weak and stupid."

"Why do you always have to spin it on her?"

"Because she's the problem, if you two just _talked_ about it then maybe you'd both get closure."

"That's a nice thought, Narcissa but –"

"Stop being so negative and don't dismiss my ideas until you've tried them."

"Don't you have a husband to marry or something?" I scowl at her.

"Oh yeah, I should find my house elf. Bye Severus."

"Bye Narcissa," I say as she leaves the room.

I suppose I could give talking to Lily a go but I doubt her bloody body guard would let her. Merlin damn Potter.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

WALKING TO CHURCH

* * *

"I can't believe you invited _Padfoot_ to your sister's wedding," I tell Lily.

"And Wormy and Moony," she says in a sing-song voice.

"Your sister's not going to like that."

"Well," Lily says defensively, "she didn't want me to be her bridesmaid."

"It's because you'll take everyone's attention away from her because you're so gorgeous," I say, putting my arm around her waist.

"Shut up," she says blushing, "it was going to be a dreary and dull affair –"

"Which is just how my in-laws like it."

"We're not married yet, Potter."

"Calling me Potter again?"

"Only when you're being stupid."

"Hey! You'll be a Potter soon, then you won't be able to use it as an insult."

"What if I don't want to change my name?"

"You have to, the Marriage Law says –"

"I have no independence or freedom. Yeah, I know. I'll be stuck with you as a good-for-nothing husband for the rest of my life," she smirks at me.

I lean in to kiss her but she pushes me away playfully. I push her back before sliding my hand into hers. We walk merrily to the church.

* * *

IN THE CHURCH

* * *

Lily and I sit on a window seat watching the snow fall steadily and gracefully. Lily's snuggled up against my chest, much like a cat. I stroke her hair, her fragrance soothing me. Lily turns her head from the window to me and smiles. I love how she has a smile just for me and I can see everything I love about her – her strength, compassion, independence and strong-will – reflected in it. I lean in and kiss her as softly as the snow falls.

It's times like this when I forget we're in the middle of a war. Being with Lily, it's easy to forget the murders and torture which surround us. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her, probably dead. The amount of times Lily's stopped me from doing stupidly reckless things, I don't care to count.

"What're you thinking?" she asks, concerned.

"Nothing," I lie.

"No, it's something. I know it is," she insists, sitting up so her body faces me. I shiver; it's cold now that her body's not pressed against my own.

"It's just the war. Everything happening and we're not fighting…"

"I know," she sighs, "it doesn't feel right or fair."

"I'm lucky to have you and I'm worried that I'll lose you in the war –"

"You won't lose me, if anything, I'll lose you," she says smugly. Yeah right, like she'd survive and I wouldn't.

"That's not likely at all," I snort.

"Then you losing me is impossible."

She curls back up against me and we go back to watching the snow settle.

"I don't want to get married in the winter," Lily says after a while.

"Why not?"

"Too cold."

"So when do you want to get married?"

"Summer holidays, 1978, next year."

"That's when we graduate."

"I know. I was thinking we could signify the end of our school career by getting married – then we can kill Death Eaters."

"I like that plan."

"Duh, because it's _my_ plan."

"Aren't we cocky, Evans?"

"Calling me Evans again?"

"Only when you're being stupid."

She smiles and we kiss again.

"Sorry to interrupt, love birds, but the service is about to start," Marlene pokes her head around the door.

"You invited Marlene as well?" I ask Lily, my eyebrows raised.

"And Alice," she says sheepishly.

"You really do want to cause havoc, don't you?"

"It's not that, I just wanted everyone to be with me on my sister's _special day_."

"Still bitter?" Marlene asks Lily.

"Well yeah, she's marrying a judgemental twat and she's almost just as bad. She blames me for their deaths and I'm not saying that's untrue but still. And Vernon didn't even want me at the wedding and Tuney almost went along with him. I put my foot down, though. I helped plan this wedding and my parents would want me to be here."

"Can't you forgive her? Make amends?" I suggest.

"Only when she apologises," Lily says, stubbornly.

Marlene sighs as if she and Lily have already been through this argument before.

"Come on then, let's get this horror over with."

* * *

APPROACHING THE POTTER MANSION

* * *

The wedding was indeed a dull and dreary affair. The after-party, however, was spectacular. Padfoot somehow managed to smuggle in some Filibuster's fireworks which startled most of the guests. For the most part, the evening was very enjoyable particularly as I got to spend it with Lily. Vernon kept his distance which was a great relief apart from when he was talking to one of his Muggle friends and called me 'some magician'. A _magician_. I would have throttled him but Lily distracted me and we ended up leaving early. You could tell Petunia and Vernon were very pleased when our party of eight finally left.

The rest went home; Padfoot went with Marlene to some local hotel which meant (with my parents away on business) that Lily and I were in the mansion alone. My parents have been particularly wary of leaving the two of us alone, I don't think they want grandchildren just yet, at least not until I've left school. Padfoot winked at me, when he left with Marlene.

I need to set this straight; Lily and I haven't had sex since the first time at school. That was three or four weeks ago. It's not that either of us doesn't want to, it's more that there never seems to be an appropriate moment. Either she has to be out or I do, or we have guests, or it's way too late and we're both exhausted or we have places to be. Which is very frustrating but now we have the perfect opportunity and the time.

**Jily Action commencing. **

The mansion door slams shut and Lily and I walk into the hallway. I grab her waist and kiss her fervently. I push her against one of the walls and her legs come up to wraps around my waist.

"Do you remember this?" I ask her, as I unzip her dress which is ripped at the hip because you're not supposed to lift your legs in it.

"Mhm," she says against my neck, "do you remember this?"

She thrusts her body against my own. The next thing I know is that we're both naked and roaming each other's bodies with our hands.

"Are we going to do it standing?" she gasps between kisses.

"Who says we're going to do anything?" I tease her.

"I could just go…" even though I can't see her face as I kiss her collar bone, I know she's smirking.

"What if I don't let you?"

"I doubt you could stop me."

"Want a bet?" I growl.

"Are you sure _you_ want a bet? I'd hate to ruin the nice record you've got of always winning."

"I'll win. Because," I lift my head to look at her face, "you want to as well."

"You always were good at knowing what I want."

"Really? I thought you were quite difficult to read."

"Maybe that's what I wanted you to think."

I pick her up and carry her to the lounge, where I finish and fulfil every dream I've had since three or four weeks ago.

**Jily action over.**

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

CONTEMPLATING HIS THOUGHTS AT THE END OF THE WEDDING

* * *

So James and Lily are engaged and apparently they love each other. Am I heartbroken? No, only fools get their hearts broken. Am I angry? Yes. Am I angry at Lily? Yes. Am I angry with Potter? Absolutely. Do I want to tear them both apart and hurt them like they hurt me? Of course. Do I hate the both of them? Probably. Am I completely over her? No. Not even a little bit.

How is this fair? I've tried everything. Memory charms, Occlumency, potions, therapy – everything. And yet I'm still in love with her. However, as I have learnt, life isn't fair. The sooner I get that into my head, maybe she'll get out of it.

I wonder if she cares what I'm feeling right now. I wonder if she knows what she's doing. I wonder if she knows that being with Potter will be the death of her. I wonder if she knows what she's signed herself up for.

I've decided that I'm a Death Eater. I'm no longer confused, being a Death Eater is the best way to protect Narcissa and Lily. I have a place and I know what I'm doing, for once.


	33. Forgiveness

**A/N:**** Hello! I know I haven't updated in ages... I have no excuse. I'm sorry. **

**Thank you ever so much for supporting me despite my being a terrible person as of late as far as updating is concerned.**

**Please enjoy in any case. Oh and I own nothing, all credit to J K Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Reviews always welcome.**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

1978 – HOGWARTS GRADUATION HAS PASSED

ON THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS HOME

* * *

"I can't believe it's all over," Alice says as we watch the towers of the castle we know so well drift out of sight.

"I know," I breathe against the cold glass, leaning against it, watching the sloping hills and flowers go by.

"What are we going to do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well school's over…"

"So? We've still got a war to fight, people to marry, children to have… I think we've got a lot to do Alice."

"Urgh, I still don't have a date for the wedding, do you?"

"Actually, yes. 26th July," I reply.

"But that's really soon!" Mar exclaims.

"I know but with the war on we didn't want anything fancy. The wedding's going to be a small affair, just you two and the Marauders are invited. Of course my sister refused to come and what with both of our parents dead…"

"Bless James, his parents were lovely old souls," Alice sighs.

"They were the kindest and bravest people I ever met," I murmur.

"I know this doesn't make much of a difference to how much their death hurts both you and James, but at least they died from old age and not from murder."

"I suppose you're right. Have you two seen Wormy recently?" I ask eager to change the subject.

"No, oddly, but on other news, you know that map the Marauders have?" Mar asks, leaning forwards.

"The Marauders Map, yes."

"Well I heard that it got confiscated."

"How?"

"I dunno, Sirius blames Wormy for not using it right or something. Wormy said he was taken by surprise."

"But the whole point of the map is that you can see where people are so you _don't _get surprised!"

"That's what Sirius said," Mar grins.

"Jesus Christ, what was Wormy even doing with the map on his own?"

"I don't know, according to Sirius, Wormy's been doing a lot of his own business with the map and," she lowers her voice to a faint whisper, "James's cloak."

"Wormy never does business on his own," I frown.

"I told Sirius he was being paranoid, I mean Wormy's got a girlfriend for the first time in the history of ever, shouldn't he be allowed to sneak off with her?"

"But what if he's not meeting Clearwater?"

"Merlin, Lily! You need to stop assuming everyone's an enemy."

"I don't _assume_ anything. I never said Wormy was conspiring against us, all I'm saying is that this is a little fishy."

"Or maybe he's having harmless fun with his girlfriend."

"Or maybe not."

"Look, there is nothing fishy going on Lily. You're safe, James is safe, and we're all safe. If Wormy planned to kill us, he would have done it by now."

"I don't think Wormy could kill anyone," Alice snorts.

"You're probably right, Alice," I decide to drop the subject.

"Sirius and I haven't found a date yet," Marlene says to break the silence.

"Why not? Aren't you eager to start a family and everything right away?"

"Well yes and no. To be honest, I think we're both putting this off as long as we can."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I just want to get this war over with and I'm not sure I even want marriage yet."

"Fair enough, what about you Alice?"

"Well, Remus is nice," she blushes, "but neither of us really wants to get married or be together forever. He and I aren't really compatible."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know, as little as possible as far as this marriage and baby law is concerned."

We sit in yet another silence. I miss James, he went earlier to sort out something with the Marauders, something about seeing Dumbledore. I think James intends to give Dumbledore the cloak. He said Dumbledore was interested in it and both of us trust Dumbledore full-heartedly. He'll take good care of it, especially as James suspects it could be one of the Hallows. But Hallows aren't any of our business, not whilst this war is on.

James has told me a lot about the tales of the Three Brothers and the Hallows but neither of us wants to actually find the Hallows. Instead, we want to make sure that nobody ever comes across them, especially Voldemort. Seeing as we may have one in our possession it seems to me that the wisest thing we can do is to entrust its care and protection to Dumbledore. Anyway, Hallows may not even exist but just in case, James thinks we should start planning ahead.

Talking of which, I've still got a lot to do for the wedding, including James' Wedding present. I've decided on this old watch I found in an antiques shop and I've charmed it so that you can hide things inside it. That way, if James ever gets captured, there is little to no chance of the captors finding the hidden objects. I thought it was a good idea in any case, practical and it looks pretty impressive.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

AT THE POTTER MANSION

WITH THE MARAUDERS

* * *

"What have you got planned for your wedding, Prongs?" Padfoot asks as we lounge lazily in my garden.

"Something small."

"Really? I've never known you to downplay these sorts of things."

"Oh yeah? What about you and McKinnon?"

"Who knows? Maybe we won't get married."

"But you have to," Wormtail says.

"Not if the Ministry falls."

"You want the Ministry to fall?" Moony asks incredulously.

"Of course not! I'm just saying that after the war, I don't think the Marriage Law will still stand."

"I think you're foolish," Moony says.

"Oh really?" Padfoot stand up and crosses his arms, "And what about you and Alice?"

"Well," Moony says uncomfortably, "I don't know! She's nice and all but I don't love her."

"Unlucky, mate. For me, I can't imagine anybody else but Marlene McKinnon," Padfoot says, absentmindedly rubbing his engagement ring.

"If you love her so much, then why can't you marry her?" Moony asks.

"Would you get off my case? Maybe I think marriage wouldn't be good for us, at least not yet. We're still young, what if marriage kills the buzz?"

"The 'buzz'?" Moony cocks his head to the side.

"Yeah, the attraction. What if we end up like my parents, always at each other's throats?"

"But you're not your parents," Moony says.

"I know that! But what happens if I repeat their mistakes?"

"Can we shut up about parents please? Padfoot, you're an idiot. If you want to wait a few years then I'm sure we'll find a way but I don't think you can just lose attraction for the girl you've loved for so long by marrying her," I say.

"But still," Padfoot protests, "can you really see me as a husband?"

"Come to think of it, no," the idea of it is ridiculous.

"Exactly, I'm not a husband kind of guy and she's not a wife kind of girl."

"So you're just not going to get married?"

"I don't know! I'm confused and indecisive at the moment. Can't we just get Prong's wedding over with then kill some Death Eaters?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"What are you getting Evans as a wedding present?" Padfoot asks.

"Well the mansion is awfully big what with you inheriting 12 Grimmauld Place and my parents dead and the war on, we don't have any guests, it's just too empty and although the mansion is beautiful, it's in my best interest to move away. The mansion will be the first place the Death Eaters will visit and too many people know where it is. So, I've made a few arrangements and I'm giving Lily Potter's Cottage, I can't tell you where it is exactly but it's very peaceful and homely."

"You're giving Evans a _cottage_?" Padfoot's mouth drops open.

"Well we'll both be living in it. I just thought it would be a good place to raise a child and it's in an obscure location."

"Merlin's beard, that place must be worth a fortune."

"Not really, I've inherited it from my parents. It's been in the family for eons."

"And here I was expecting you to say something like _jewels_ or _gold_…" Padfoot mutters.

"You know Lily doesn't care about that sort of stuff."

"Merlin, Prongs, she's one expensive bird."

"Not the most expensive," I wink at him.

"Oh yeah, that girl from France, part Veela?"

"Loretta, yes and she wasn't entirely French."

"No she was a gold digger."

"Okay I get it, I screwed up on that one but Lily's not like that."

"I know, I know. I think Lily's the only girlfriend of yours I ever liked."

"I should hope so."

Moony smiles at mine and Padfoot's exchange.

"What?" Padfoot demands, seeing Moony.

"Nothing, it's just sad seeing you two be so _normal_. Like nothing's changed at all in seven years."

"Nothing's changed," Padfoot frowns.

But the thing is that it has. Everything has changed. And everybody knows it, it's just how long we can keep up the pretence that it hasn't.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

MALFOY MANOR

* * *

I sit on Narcissa's sofa in her new house, well Malfoy's house. It's all new to me, I'm so used to the Black Family Manor that this new change of scenery is almost unpleasant. Narcissa comes down the stairs and into the living room, beaming.

"Hello Severus," she says, "it's been so long."

I look at her and take in everything that has changed. Her hair is longer, her face is elegant, she has the air of a married woman but the thing that has changed the most is her stomach. She is pregnant.

"You're pregnant," I say bluntly.

Her hand rises to rest on her stomach and she moves it in small circles.

"Yes," she smiles.

"Is it a girl or a boy?"

"I don't know, Lucius thinks it's a boy."

"What do you think?"

"I think he's right."

"So Draco then?"

"Yes, Draco Lucius Malfoy," Narcissa sits down next to me.

I think of all the things I want to tell Narcissa: that I'm stuck and need help, that I'm terrified, that I've found something the Dark Lord wants, that I don't know if I can do it, that I've missed her, that I'm broken inside. But nothing of the sort comes out of my mouth. True and honest words rarely come out of my mouth, if any words are spoken at all. Instead I say:

"Lily is getting married."

Narcissa's smile falls and is replaced by concern. Merlin, she already looks like a mother –protective and looking out for the vulnerable. Her hand touches my shoulder, I shudder in surprise.

"I'm sorry," she says.

And then she cries. Probably because she wants to do something about it but knows she can't, probably because what I've said is so brutally sharp and chillingly cold, probably because I look pathetic, probably because she feels fragile, probably because I look lost, probably because she can read emotions and knows how stupidly depressed I feel.

And that's all I need. Her tears are proof of the last person I have who cares and suddenly she is very precious to me. Not in any sort of romantic way, but in a strong sort of friendship way. I put my arm around her and we sit in the deafening silence, drowning in the fearlessness of the world and its people.

And after a while, I am human. And after yet more of a while, I forgive Lily for everything and hope she forgives me too.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING

* * *

James is away, he's sorting out something for the wedding. He wouldn't let me come. He said it's a surprise. For the first time in five months, I dream about Severus. The first few dreams are the same as the one's I had almost a year ago. It feels like it was yesterday.

_I am slammed into a post, my blindfold and gag are taken off but the binds which restrict my body stay, binding me to the post. Severus is shaking, completely terrified. He starts to sweat but stops virtually immediately when Bellatrix and Malfoy come into sight._

_Bellatrix cackles madly, the sound though an echo feels so real._

"_Aren't you excited, Mudblood? We've got something rather special tonight, haven't we Snape?" she croons._

_Bellatrix steps back, allowing Severus to step forward._

"_I'm afraid you won't be under my wand, Mudblood. Snape has offered to practice some of his new spells on you."_

_I look at Severus with pure abhorrence. I remember the defiance._

"_Livoremplena."_

_The bruises appear all over my arms. My back curls in pain. The pain is only temporary. I hear Bellatrix's warped screeches. _

"_Mordeo!"_

_Stings are everywhere, the piercing pain putting the blurry and hazy image into focus. Bellatrix is absolutely delighted and she runs forward, investigating my body. She laughs. I have almost no fight left in me._

"_Perfect! The Dark Lord will be pleased!" Bellatrix strides back to Severus._

"_Wait," Lucius says. "This is Snape we're talking about, I'll bet he has an even worse spell up his sleeve, worse than petty stinging curses and bruising charms."_

_I wait a few moments. A worse spell? Whatever happened to the boy from Spinner's End?_

"_Go on, Snape! Do your worst!"_

_He looks down at some paper in his hands. He looks into my eyes, full of apologies and excuses. I meet his eyes, my last energy sent into staring him down. I have no sympathy for him, I do not care anymore. He will not break me. Not now, not ever._

"_Sectumsempra!"_

_The minute he says it, I collapse as far as my binds allow me to. I scream. _

Then the dream changes and I'm alone. Then I am not alone and I watch Tuney and I on the swings, Severus at the fringes.

The dream changes again and I see Severus and I walking along the Hogwarts corridors.

I see Severus in the next five dreams. I see his terrors and all the secrets he tried so hard to hide. I see the boy I knew and the boy who changed. I see my friend and my greatest nightmare. I see the vengeful boy and the broken boy. I see my biggest hope and my biggest regret. And I forgive him. I forgive them all.


	34. The Wedding

**A/N:**** Hello! I've been gone a while, I know. I haven't given up on this story. For the past few weeks, I've had a serious case of writer's block and went into the phase of 'I hate life, I hate this, I'm terrible at everything and I'm failing at life in general'. But that's all in the past now. It's just part of being a writer.**

**Anyway, I hope you're enjoying the new year and that your Valentine's Day was okay, for those who spent it alone like me, I hope you realised that a lot of strong book characters don't need a man or a woman (e.g. Reyna, Thalia... I'm sure there's more and not just from the PJO fandom) to be awesome.**

**Thank you so very much for all the love and support, I seriously appreciate it and I would have given up ages ago if it weren't for all the support I've had. Thank you to my sister, who's been incredibly understanding (mostly).**

**I do not own the Harry Potter Franchise, no copyright infringement is intended, all credit to J K Rowling and I make no profit from this story.**

**I'm sorry this is so long, please enjoy and have a wonderful day!**

* * *

26th JULY 1978

THE WEDDING OF LILY EVANS AND JAMES POTTER

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I'm so incredibly nervous that even breathing has become difficult. I'm marrying James Potter, the love of my life, in approximately three hours' time!

"Whoa, Lils! You really need to calm down," Alice says, watching me pace about the McKinnon Mansion (previously Lightwood Mansion) kitchen from over her book.

"I can't calm down! Where's Mar?"

"Mar will be over in a minute, you asked for chocolate, remember? Mar went to go and get some. Now will you _please_ sit down?"

"Alright," I concede and sit down, fidgeting.

Alice reads her book quietly for about thirty seconds before she puts it down in a highly melodramatic manner.

"For my sanity, good Merlin, please just _chill_. There's nothing to be worried about, you love James, he loves you. This is going to be a wonderful day for you both. You just need to _relax_ and enjoy it."

"You're right, it's just… I don't know! I'm excited as well and then I'm terrified. After the wedding, we've got about maybe two days before we need to start fighting with the Order and kill Death Eaters… It's one thing after another, there's no time to do consider anything at all and then here I am with three hours doing absolutely nothing," I get up again.

"You're not doing nothing, aren't you supposed to be sorting out the transport?"

"No," I shake my head, "we decided just to Apparate there. It's quicker, after all."

"Who's Best Man?" Alice asks.

"Sirius. Then you and Mar are my bridesmaids."

"Who's your Maid of Honour?"

"It _was_ going to be my sister but…"I sigh, sinking back into one of the plush armchairs.

"But she's not coming, is she?"

"No, she and Vernon refused. She said she'd rather die than be seen at a 'freak show'."

"Forget her, Lil. You don't want her there. Let her and the pompous weasel live their mundane lives alone in Surrey."

"Not alone for much longer," I say, smiling with effort.

"What d'you mean?" Alice asks, leaning forward curiously.

"They've been talking about having a baby."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

"Well I feel sorry for the poor child," Alice says, "Merlin help them."

"Of course _we've_ still got to have children, don't we?" I say, looking up at Alice.

"Yeah. I really don't know how I'm going to do it. The deadline for conceiving a child is 1985 –"

"I thought it was sooner."

"It was, but they extended it. They want as many people fighting this war as possible, after all. Remus is lovely but I don't want to marry him. I certainly don't want to bear his children in any case."

"Maybe you won't have to. I heard someone say the Ministry may revoke the law after they've seen how greatly this is going to impact society –and not in a good way."

"I hope so, support for the Ministry is definitely dwindling."

Mar closes the door of the Mansion and comes into the kitchen.

"Are you excited?" she asks, handing me some chocolate.

"A little."

"_A little?_" Alice frowns, "she was a jittering buzz of excitement. She would not sit still."

"I'm sorry, is my anticipation and enthusiasm for what will be one of the most important days in my life, bothering you?" I ask her, my tone oozing sarcasm.

"Easy, easy. Save the spite for the Death Eaters," Alice says.

"Yeah," I sigh, "I feel so useless sitting here."

"You _are_ useless," Mar teases.

"Says you."

"Yes, says me. I'm meeting Sirius in a few minutes, are you going to be okay whilst I'm gone?"

"What could possibly go wrong in your absence?"

"Well I don't know, you might smash something with your zeal and fervour."

I snort. "Whilst you're gone, things are more likely to go _right_."

"And what exactly are you trying to say?" Mar puts her hands on her hips.

"Nothing, nothing," I smile.

"That's what I thought," Mar says, smiling too. "See you later, I'll be back soon so I can help you get ready."

"Don't worry about that, I've got Alice. You go and spend some time with the love of your life."

"I'll be back soon," Mar says, ignoring me, "and, for your information, Sirius and I are deeply and utterly serious."

"That's what you said about Frank," I say.

"And Oleander," Alice adds.

"Who the hell is Oleander?" Mar asks, bemused.

"Exactly," Alice says, turning back to her book.

"Rude," Mar says, "I'm going now."

The door clicks behind Mar and I'm left alone in the kitchen with my best friend who is completely absorbed in her book. _Great_. I wonder how James is feeling right now.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

12 GRIMMAULD PLACE

* * *

"Your house is greatly depressing," I note as Padfoot re-casts the wards and spells protecting the house.

Myself and the other Marauders stand awkwardly in the hallway, taking in the severed heads of house elves lining the walls, the dusty and grimy portraits and pictures, the dirty curtains that drape half-way across windows smeared with slime and filth and the collection of peculiar, priceless –and most probably cursed- Black Family artefacts and objects.

"Yeah well I haven't exactly had a chance to redecorate, have I?" Padfoot says, closing the door, making the house look even gloomier now that the beautiful summer's day has been shut out.

He wipes his feet on the mat, sending clouds of dust into the air.

"Shall we go upstairs?" he says, clomping up the stairs, sending shudders throughout the house.

Once we enter his room, I begin to appreciate just how desperate he was to move away. Thousands of pictures line the walls, each one of the Marauders and a few of all of us plus Lily, Mar and Alice. It's very touching, actually. Gryffindor banners and posters are stuck on the remaining wall space and the window has faded red and gold linen curtains. It's the cosiest room in the entire house.

Padfoot sits down on his bed and looks around the room.

"I'll go and get some drinks? Firewisky, anybody?" he asks, getting up again.

"It's only ten in the morning, Padfoot," Moony says.

"I'll have some tea," I say. Padfoot's eyebrows shoot up.

"Tea?"

"Yeah, is that a problem?"

"No, you just don't seem like a tea sort of person."

"Lily introduced me to it."

"Okay, one tea. What about you Moony?"

"Water's fine," Moony says.

"Okay, you might need to purify it, though. The water's possibly coming directly from the sewers now."

"I'll have a Butterbeer," Wormtail squeaks.

"In this weather?" Padfoot says sceptically.

"Why not? Prongs is having tea."

"Alright, I'll be back in a second."

Padfoot leaves with a sharp _crack_.

"Poor Padfoot," Moony murmurs as soon as he's gone.

"I know," I say as I sit down on a mound of clothes.

"Living in this house… no wonder he came to live with you."

"Mhm, imagine what it was like living with his _family_."

"Awful," Moony winces, "it makes you wonder, doesn't it?"

"Wonder what?"

"Why some people are good people no matter what their background and others aren't good people even though they do have a healthy background."

"Padfoot's strong, though. It would take something Earth-shaking to unbalance him."

"Are you looking forward to your wedding?"

"_Am I_?" I splutter disbelievingly, "I've been thinking of little else."

Which is true. In just a few hours, I'll be married to Lily Evans. It's a shame my parents won't be there to see one of the happiest moments of my life.

"You're lucky, Prongs," Moony says, "She's an incredible girl."

"She is. How's Alice, by the way?"

"Good? I don't know."

Padfoot appears with a softer _crack_.

"Still sleeping in separate beds?" Padfoot asks, grinning.

"Obviously," Moony says, exasperated.

"Well that explains it. What were you talking about whilst I was gone?"

"Erm, we were talking about…" Moony stutters.

"About jobs," I say suddenly.

"Jobs?" Padfoot frowns.

"Yes, jobs, and about how I'm unemployable because of my werewolf status," Moony says hurriedly.

"And then I said that I'd financially support Moony as well as myself - which I can do because of the fortune my parents have accumulated and left me."

"Which means we can focus on defeating Death Eaters and not worry about employment," Moony finishes.

"Right…" Padfoot looks at us suspiciously.

"Right," I repeat, trying not to make eye contact.

"You know, I don't care if you were talking about how hot Marlene and I are together."

I snort.

"Nobody but you thinks the two of you are hot together," I say.

"But," Padfoot ignores me, "if you were talking about how hot Marlene is, we're going to have problems."

"I assure you, we were not talking about your girlfriend," Moony says, smiling.

"Yeah, we were talking about how hot we think you are," I joke.

"Aw, come on Prongsie, I'm flattered but I have Marlene who is, and don't take this the wrong way, but much more attractive than you."

"I'm insulted. We all know I am the most attractive person in this world."

"What we all know is that _you_ _think_ you're the most attractive person in the world," Moony mutters.

I scowl at him, but let it go.

"Lily thinks I'm the most handsome guy she's ever seen," I say.

"Oh does she?" Padfoot smirks, "so she's completely forgotten the Giant Squid?"

"Yes. That squid is no more."

"You didn't kill it, did you? You know what she thinks about killing innocent creatures."

"No, I didn't kill it. I wouldn't dare. Can you imagine what she'd do to me?"

"Hang you by your toes over a volcano and let Flobberworms eat your insides," Padfoot suggests.

"Or maybe she'd forgive me," I say.

"Doubt it," Moony replies.

"Why? I am her soulmate, her other half, her one true love –"

"- and for many years, she completely hated you," Moony says, pointedly.

"Yes, but I won her over in the end, right? I could do the same in this situation."

"If you're not already dead," Padfoot points out, much too gleefully for my liking.

"Can we please stop talking about my death? It's actually quite unsettling that you all talk about it so casually."

"Have a bit of humour, Prongs. We all know the Lily-flower would never hurt you in any way under any circumstances," Padfoot says.

"What about you and McKinnon? Would she ever kill you?"

"Hmm… I don't know. She kills me every night –"

"Okay, okay, that's too much information," Moony cuts in.

"How is it? I didn't even _say_ anything," Padfoot sulks.

"I just don't need to know what you and McKinnon get up to in the dark hours of the night."

"And day," Padfoot adds, "or pretty much any time really. As a matter of fact, she's coming around soon so you guys need to scram."

"We've only been here a few minutes," I frown, but stand up as we all head for the landing.

"I know and I'm sorry. I'll see you later at your wedding, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Don't be late."

"Well that all depends on the next few moments really," Padfoot says, smirking.

"What d'you mean?" Wormtail asks.

"Sex, Wormtail. I don't know how good Clearwater is but if she's so good you don't even remember it…"

"How would you know Clearwater's had intercourse with Wormtail?" Moony frowns.

"Come on, Moony, this is Melanie Clearwater we're talking about. She's done it with pretty much every guy in our year and above and below, disturbingly."

"I would know," I say.

"Is she any good?" Padfoot asks, amusedly as we walk down the stairs.

"I wouldn't like to say…"

"Go on, Prongsie, I'll tell you my experience if you tell us yours."

"Wait, when did _you_ and Clearwater…?" I stop walking down the corridor and turn to face Padfoot.

"Well…"

"Go on," I say, narrowing my eyes.

"Promise you won't get angry?"

"No."

We walk to the bottom of the stairs and I resume staring him down.

"Fine. It was about two days before you dumped her the first time."

"You had sex with her whilst I was still going out with her?"

"She ambushed me! What was I supposed to do?"

"Erm, not have sex with her?"

"I suppose but I was 15 or something."

"That's disgusting."

"Like you were any better."

"I was!"

"Really? What about when I was with Hermia?"

"We only _kissed_ and it really wasn't much of a big deal."

"It's not like I kissed Lily."

"Have you?"

"Be serious, Prongs. This is Lily Evans. She'd skin me alive."

"_I'd_ do worse."

"You snogged Marlene!"

"In fifth year in the summer holidays! When are you going to get over that?"

"If it were Lily, would you ever get over it?"

"No! Maybe? I don't know!"

"Then I don't know why you're so wound up about me sleeping with a girlfriend you never loved or cared for!"

"I did… that's not true –I cared, I did care…"

"You didn't Prongs. Those girls meant nothing to you and don't pretend that they did."

"Then it's the same with you! You didn't care about your affairs."

"Yes, but the difference is that I don't pretend to be the nice guy who always loves. I hope Lily knows what she's got herself in for because if you kick her out like you did with all the others, it's not just her and Moony you'll have to deal with."

"Like I'd kick _her_ out," I mutter.

We stand in silence as the tension in the air drops slowly.

"Sorry," I look up from the floor, "I shouldn't have said any of that. I really am sorry for getting angry. You're right, I didn't care but Lily is different, she's not like the others –"

"Yeah I know," Padfoot cuts in, "and I'm sorry too. And sorry Wormtail for badmouthing about your girlfriend. I'm sure she's a very nice person."

"Not really," Wormtail pipes up, he has been watching our display from the shadows so quietly, I forgot he was there. "She's really not very nice at all."

"Oh," Padfoot says.

"We should go," I say, "see you at the wedding."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world and all its celestial treasure," Padfoot says.

* * *

THE WEDDING

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

_Five minutes to go…_

"… hold still, I'm going to poke your eye out if you're not careful!"

"It's fine, Mar, really. I'm sure it looks amazing. My hair is fine."

"It just needs a bit more done in the back…"

I sigh. The dress I am wearing is my mother's, which was in my sister's possession for a while as she was styling her own dress on the one belonging to my mother. Petunia let me borrow it for the wedding. It's a lovely dress with soft silk and satin in the bodice and a long and very extravagant skirt made up of many layers. At some point (the dress has been handed down for many generations), there were lace sleeves but now the dress in strapless which is slightly terrifying. The shoes I'm wearing are Marlene's and quite high, which is also terrifying. Marlene's been doing my hair (against my wishes) and has pulled it up in some sophisticated style with pearls twisted into it. I haven't actually seen what I look like but it's not like it matters. Only the love of my life, the Marauders and Mar and Alice are going to see me.

_Three minutes to go…_

I head to the door. On the other side, the Marauders and Mar and Alice are waiting. I tremble slightly then mentally slap myself for being so nervous and girly.

_One minute to go…_

What if I trip in these ridiculous shoes? Or stumble on the steps or fall down the aisle? What if my voice comes out all croaky when I have to speak? Oh dear, I'm overthinking this now.

_Thirty seconds to go…_

Deep breaths. Think of James…. That stupid man who's so incredibly gorgeous and clever and reckless and decisive and protective... James, who I love so much.

_Three seconds to go…_

It's almost time and I'm shaking.

Then the music starts up, the doors open and I walk down the aisle, with Remus at my side.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

Narcissa had a miscarriage.

She told me this morning, with tears rushing down her face. They're going to try again. I'm concerned, I don't know if Narcissa will be able to go through it all again. It just doesn't seem fair, so many women who don't want children, get them and they abuse them and abandon them and then there are women like Narcissa, who have been longing for a family since they were children and yet it doesn't happen. She is hopeful. I think she is foolish.

I don't have my hopes up. I never do, unless it concerns Lily. I have a new plan. I'm going to become a double agent. I will work for the Dark Lord and Dumbledore, giving information on the other to the other. My true loyalties, of course, lie with the Dark Lord. I have something he wants, inside information on Dumbledore. He cannot get this service through force. All I have to do is win over Dumbledore's loyalties –become a Professor, perhaps in Defence Against the Dark Arts, and the Dark Lord will have no choice but to spare Lily's life. A bargaining chip, if you will.

I will not advertise this service as such. I will simply offer to give him information on Dumbledore and the inside motives of the Order. He knows nobody works for free, unless you are Bellatrix Black, of course. He may not agree but he would be a fool to turn it down.

My only wish is for Lily to be safe. I wish it every night, a soft whisper on my lips. She doesn't love me and I doubt she ever will but I will never forgive myself if she dies. If she dies, I see no point in carrying on. The whole world can burn for all I care.

I've heard rumours of her marriage to James Potter. I don't disbelieve their truth. She has grown to love him as I love her. What a cruel game this to play, I don't think I shall be playing for much longer. The game is old and tiring. A blunt circle of repetitions, going around and around… but I love her still.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

THE WEDDING

* * *

The doors open and Lily and Moony enter. Lily Evans, dressed in what can only be described as moonlight and silk, walks down the aisle. I get that love isn't all about looks and it's a cliché to say it but still… she's beautiful. Probably the most beautiful thing about her is that she has no idea how beautiful she is. And it's not a beautiful as in 'really pretty', it's a beautiful as in awe-inspiring and scary. Like a numinous experience but without the God. And it's right there and then when I finally understand what is meant by beautiful. She's not model-like beautiful, random stranger beautiful but the kind of beauty which is only established when you truly love somebody. It's like her soul and her personality is shining through, which makes her even more mesmerising. She catches my eye, I see worry, nervousness, fright and excitement flash in her green eyes. I smile and she smiles her wonderful smile and I see her relax.

I barely hear the vicar as he goes on about his speech, of course I say 'I do' at the right time and so does she. I'm too busy staring at her.

"….and I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

I take her in my arms and kiss her, but in a publicly suitable kind of way. It's not a peck, but not a full-blown snog either.

I lift her up, bridal style, and carry her to outside the chapel.

"We're married," she whispers in my ear.

"I know."

"I don't feel much different."

"I do."

"How?"

"I don't know, I love you, Lily."

"Well, obviously," she rolls her eyes, "I love you too."


	35. The Knights of Walpurgis

**A/N:**** Hello! I'm back with a new chapter. May I just say that the support of the people (that's you) who are reading this is fantastic. It's unbelievable, truly it is. With 39 reviews, 28 favourites and 52 followers and a fair amount of views (MY ACTUAL EXCITEMENT!) well... thank you really. **

**Anyway, let's get on with it. I do not own anything, all credit to J K Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended. Also, if you're wondering what these spells mean, here's a link: ** wiki/List_of_spells

**Obviously I didn't come up with the spells myself and all the definitions belong to the Harry Potter Wikia people and of course, J K Rowling.**

**I couldn't be bothered to describe what each of them does so you'll have to find out for yourself, but I did explain a few.**

**Oh and ****no worries ElsaElphieGinny, your support in particular is amazing.**

**I'm so sorry, longest note ever. Enjoy and have an interesting day!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

THE JOURNEY BACK FROM THE WEDDING

* * *

"Where are you taking us Prongs?" Padfoot huffs from the back seat of the car James has 'borrowed' to take us to Merlin knows where.

"To a hotel," he smiles, "about three hours away, I think."

Padfoot sighs dramatically, "but that's _ages_ away."

"Deal with it, get Marlene to distract you," he says.

"Alright then, but don't let Moony start complaining when he sees flesh."

"No stripping in the car, thank you," James says sharply.

"Dammit, liven up a little, will you? No one says anything when you and Lily start snogging."

"That's different, Lily and I don't tear each other's clothes off in public," he turns around and gives Padfoot a pointed stare.

"Aw come on, Prongsie, it was just the once."

"And I hope I never have to witness it again, no offence Marlene."

"None taken," Mar replies, kissing Padfoot before he has a chance to say anything else.

Remus makes a funny little snorting noise in the back of his throat.

"You alright, Moony?" Prongs asks, his brow furrowed with concern.

"Yes, just quite close to the full moon now," he says, his face weak.

"I thought it didn't affect you unless it was actually a full moon," I say, looking out the window at the almost full moon. It should be at least a few days before it's full.

"The days before and after aren't so good," he says, his face green.

"You sure you aren't carsick, Remus?" I ask him.

"I don't get carsick, Lily. It's just pre-moon sickness, it's very common in younger werewolves."

"Why don't we sing to lift our spirits?" Alice says from the very back of the car.

The car has three rows of seats. I sit in the front with James, James doesn't need to drive, the car seems to know where it's going. Remus, Sirius and Marlene sit on the middle row and Alice and Wormy sit on the back row.

"_Oranges and lemons say the bells of St. Clement's. You owe me five farthings, say the bells of St. Martin's. When will you pay me? Say the bells of Old Bailey. When I grow rich, say the bells of Shoreditch. When will that be? Say the bells of Stepney. I do not know, says the great bell of Bow. Here comes a candle to light you to bed. And here comes a chopper to chop off your head! Chip chop Chip chop–" _Alice starts to sing.

"What the bloody hell are you singing?" Padfoot demands.

"It's a Muggle song, right Lily?"

"Yes," I confirm.

"Well I don't know what songs you were taught but it sounds like a load of shit. What kind of bell demands money?" Padfoot scowls.

"Hey, Muggle songs don't have to make sense, Sirius. That one's a nursery rhyme. You were taught nursery rhymes, right?"

"Yeah but they weren't about bells demanding money. Everyone knows that if your bells start asking for things, you destroy them."

"What were your nursery rhymes about then?"

"Broomsticks, Quidditch, spells, death, torture, burning to death… you know, the normal stuff."

"_Normal stuff?_" I repeat.

"Well yeah, what were your nursery rhymes about?"

"Sheep, people living in shoes, eggs sitting on walls, bears, milkmaids, pigs, spiders, you know stuff like that."

"How utterly boring."

"Not really, we had fairytales about children getting lost in the woods, princesses eating poisoned apples –"

"You think _that's _horrific?" Padfoot snorts, "we had witches burnt at the stake, brothers which met death, a non-magical but perceived as magical fountain, a guy with no heart… exciting stuff."

"_Exciting_," I repeat incredulously, shaking my head.

"Whilst your conversation about messed up childhoods is very interesting, why don't we talk about something else?" Alice pitches in from the back.

"Like what?"

"Battle strategy," Alice says seriously.

"Lily and I just got married, why would we talk about that?" James frowns.

Alice leans forward in her chair, rage flashing though her eyes.

"Fine then, if you don't want to be prepared when we're in the middle of a –"

"Alice," Remus says quietly. Alice sits back in her seat.

"How did you do that?" Marlene asks, shocked as she leans over Padfoot to face Remus.

"Do what?" he asks, confused.

"Get Alice to shut up," Mar says, like it's obvious.

"Oh. I don't know."

"Merlin," Marlene murmurs, awestruck, "I've known her almost all of my life and she's never done a thing I say."

"Technically he didn't tell her to do anything," I point out.

"Yeah, but still. Did something happen between you two that I'm not aware of?" Mar looks between Alice and Remus.

"No," they both say together.

"_Right…_" Mar says dubiously.

We sit in silence for what feels like hours but it most likely seconds.

"I got your present, Prongs," Sirius says.

He casts a summoning spell and a brown sack appears in his hand. He tosses it at James and James catches it with one hand. He looks inside.

"Padfoot, I can't accept this –"

"What are you? Stupid? They're chocolate."

"I'm sorry what?" I ask, perplexed.

"Remember that bet I made with Prongs? I told you not to fall in love with him or marry him or else I had to give him 50 Galleons. Well… I can't afford that so I got him 50 chocolate Galleons. Actually, I got a bit peckish so I think there are only 44 now."

James grins and peels the foil off of one of the coins and pops it in his mouth.

"And for you, Lily. From the Marauders plus Alice and Marlene," he hands me a box.

"Thanks," I smile and open the box up.

Inside is a beautiful photo album, leather bound and with an ivory white cover. I flick through the pages made of parchment; each has two flags with a 'J' and an 'L' on with space for photographs. There are black designs which curve and swirl about the pages. The first picture is one taken at the end of Seventh Year; we're all crowded as close as we can get outside the Whomping Willow as a Sixth Year snaps the picture. In the picture, James has his arm around my waist and we're both grinning like idiots.

"It's beautiful, thank you," I say.

"You're welcome," Marlene says cheerily, "we thought we should record some photos so when we're all old and frail and have grandchildren, we can look back at these photos."

"I like that idea."

"Me too," James says, "where did you get it made?"

"Actually, Rubeus and I made it," Remus says.

"Hagrid?" James asks, surprised.

"Yeah, he said it's the least he could do, considering how much we helped him out," Remus says.

"I wish we'd invited Hagrid," I say. He's probably the kindest person I've ever met and a very good friend. I got to know him better throughout Seventh Year and since then, I've begun to trust him more than I trust my own sister.

"Yeah, he said he couldn't come anyway, special business for Dumbledore," Padfoot says.

"That'll be us soon," Remus says.

"I know, Dumbledore owled me with our first business as fully-fledged members of the Order. Which happens to be a photo and a meeting."

"I knew we'd get the crappy jobs to do," Alice says, huffily.

"We can't just charge into battle with the Death Eaters and kill them all," I laugh.

"Why not?" Alice asks.

"Because that's not how war works, I'm sure Dumbledore's got it all sorted. We need to do background work first, find out what they're doing, who they're recruiting, what their next move might be… There's not point risking what few lives we have without properly investigating everything."

"I don't want to investigate, I want to fight Death Eaters," Alice scowls.

"Then you're stupidly reckless," I say.

"More like recklessly stupid," Marlene mutters.

"I heard that," Alice snaps.

"Is she always like this?" Wormy asks.

"Yes, Alice is a naturally temperamental and angry person. With violent intentions," Mar says.

"I am _not_ violent," Alice says.

"How's Melanie?" Marlene asks, to break the tension.

"Fine? I don't know," Wormy says miserably.

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

"She's been meeting up with another man."

"Really? Who?" Marlene asks, wriggling in her seat.

"This Muggle guy," Wormy sniffs.

"You poor thing," Marlene says.

"Don't encourage him, he's already got enough sympathy sex from the bar maid in the Hog's Head," Padfoot says, scowling at Wormy.

"Really? So you're both cheating on each other?" Marlene says.

"No… _she's_ cheating. I'm only doing what she's already done. Besides, she doesn't care. I know she's been seeing loads of other men."

"Do you think she was seeing other men when she was with you, James?" I ask him.

"Yes," he says without hesitation, "I caught her at it in the Charms classroom, but fair enough really, I was seeing Ellen French at the same time as well."

I hit James on the arm, not too hard, but hard enough. He yelps.

"What was that for?"

"For being a prat."

"Am I still a prat?" he asks, nursing his shoulder.

"Less so, if you were, I wouldn't have married you."

"Lily Evans Potter, I can never tell if you're insulting me because you're angry or because you're flirting with me."

I lean forward and kiss him, letting the familiar, yet no less thrilling, electricity flow through my veins.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I'm about to press my lips harder against her mouth when I hear a _crash_. I fly back into my seat, my hand clenched on Lily's. The car lurches forward, skids across the roads and flips over several times, rolling down the hill. Finally, the car crashes to a halt at the end of a blocked-up road, far below the road we were originally on. It's a miracle I'm still alive. I look at Lily, expecting the worse but she doesn't seem hurt, her eyes show hints of shock but other than that she seems fine. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"What," Marlene says, gasping for air, "the hell was that?"

"I don't know," Padfoot says, nursing his head.

"I'd better check on the car," I say, opening the door.

Lily opens her door, her wand out, casting white light over the wreckage. Surrounding us are hundreds of dark figures, concealed by the shadows or possibly just dark cloaks. Lily's wand illuminates the figures closest to her; they wear silver masks with snake-like slits for eyes.

"Who are you?" Lily asks, taking a step forward. I inwardly wince, that was the last thing I would have done.

"We are the Knights of Walpurgis," comes a curt reply.

Lily takes a step back, her breaths slightly laboured, her hand holding the only source of light, shaking. I hear her whisper something under her breath, but I don't catch it. She brings her shoulders up, straightening her posture and holds her wand high.

"You're Death Eaters," she says.

"To the people of colloquial tongue, yes, we are Death Eaters," a figure unidentifiable by his clothing, but unmistakeable by his voice, steps forward. The sheer arrogance of that voice could only belong to -

"Lucius Malfoy," Lily spits.

"My dear Miss Evans," even though I can't see his face, I know he's smirking.

"It's Potter now," Lily moves her wand as if to cast a spell but he steps backward.

"We mean you no harm, Mrs Evans Potter, at least not yet."

There are murmurings of amusement from the figures.

"What do you want?" Lily demands.

"Patience, patience. I'm in no hurry. I have been sent here, we all have, by our master –"

"And what does he want?"

"It is discourteous to interrupt," Malfoy says before continuing in his trademark drawl, "as I was saying, our master, the Dark Lord, for reasons unbeknownst to us, has requested your recruitment."

Lily opens her mouth but Malfoy cuts in before she says anything.

"Before you think too impetuously on your decision, might I remind you that the Knights of Walpurgis are an honourable group, fighting for a better world –"

"Why does he want me? I'm not part of his idea of a better world at all," Lily says.

"One should refer to the Dark Lord as the Dark Lord, not 'he'," Malfoy says, disgustedly, "and I'm sure I have no idea why the Dark Lord would want such a vulgar, worthless and oblivious individual such as yourself –"

Lily takes her wand out straight in front of her and disarms Malfoy in one smooth move; she points her wand at his neck.

"Say one more word and I swear on Merlin's grave –"

"Careful, Mrs Evans Potter," he says, eyeing the wand, "you wouldn't want something… unfortunate to happen to your friends."

Lily looks around but no Death Eaters have advanced, Malfoy lurches forward, grabs her wand and seizes Lily by the neck. A Death Eater grabs my arms behind my back.

"I don't want to hurt you, my dear, but if you refuse to cooperate –"

Lily looks at me and we both stamp our feet down hard on the Death Eater's toes. Lily reaches for her wand and casts _Bombarda_ (this causes an explosion, remember in the _Order of the Pheonix_, when Umbridge casts _Bombarda Maxima_ and a hole appears in the room of requirement wall?)_. _A small explosion erupts at her feet, sending Death Eaters flying. For a minute, I am stunned.

"JAMES YOU USELESS PRAT! Come over here and help me!" she yells from where she is, casting hexes left right and centre.

Padfoot appears on the opposite side of the car, swirling green fire from his wand, Marlene sends fizzles of lightning bolts and Alice repeatedly casts the Cascading Jinx (this is an offensive spell rather than defence; it can be used to defeat multiple enemies). Alice is definitely the most brutal here. I jump to attention and rush to Lily's side, casting all the hexes I can think of to get rid of the Death Eaters.

I stumble as a Death Eater collides with me, I fight him over with the body-binding curse and the Jelly-legs jinx. I hastily cast _Confringo_ (causes anything it's casts at to explode, and presumably thereafter burst into flame.) and try not to watch as the Death Eater's cloak catches fire. The Death Eaters appear especially riled up now, casting all manners of spells I've never heard of, all I know is to block them as much as I can.

A spell I can only describe as something similar to _Diffindo_ comes whooshing past me, shredding the car in two.

"Careful James!" Lily shouts over the roar of angry shouting.

"I _am_ being careful!"

"Not careful enough," she says as she casts a hex on a Death Eater behind her and whizzes around faster than I'd think possible to shoot _Epoximise _to the two Death Eaters approaching us. Their backs stick together as they writhe with anger, trying to un-stick themselves.

"Seriously, _Epoximise_?" I say, raising my eyebrows.

"I was under pressure!" Lily says.

I turn around and cast _Everte Statum_, throwing several Death Eaters off of their feet. Malfoy comes toward us.

"_Expulso_!" I yell, pointing my wand at the ground which abruptly shifts and explodes under Malfoy's feet, sending him high in the sky.

"_Aresto Momentum_!" Malfoy shouts, gliding back to the ground. He casts a spell, alien to me, and all the Death Eaters vanish, along with the car.

"Yield!" Malfoy shouts, "pledge your alliance to the Dark Lord and this will stop! Yield to our power! Do as the Dark Lord wishes –"

"Oh yeah?" Marlene shouts back, coming to join us, "you can tell the Dark Lord to go fuck –"

"What she means is," Lily interrupts, "that our answer is no. Not now, not ever."

"You have no idea what you're getting into, _Potter_."

"Oooh, I'm terrified," Marlene says, mimicking a ridiculous face.

"You may be laughing now, McKinnon, but when the time comes, you will regret today. I will remember this insult. All of you! You'll regret the day you refused the Dark Lord. He has things to offer you, Mrs Evans Potter. Things _he_," Malfoy indicates to me with a well-measured flick of his finger, "cannot give you. And Potter, though it pains me to say it, the Dark Lord wants to recruit you. He can give you _eternal life_, bring your parents back –"

"My parents are gone."

"The Dark Lord could bring them back," Malfoy urges, "that's what we fight for, eternal life. No more pain and suffering and loss… join us. We can give you everything and anything you've only ever dreamed of –"

"Our answer is no," Lily says, walking away.

Malfoy draws back, a look of pure malice on his face now that his mask has been discarded.

"I will not forget this, Potter. The Dark Lord will not forget this. You will suffer for this."

And with that, Malfoy is gone.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

I knock once on the door.

"Come in."

I enter Dumbledore's Office, a cavern of strange and magical objects. He peers at me over his half-moon glasses, his blue eyes calculating, interested.

"Mr Snape," he greets me.

"Professor Dumbledore."

"I assume this is about the teaching position at Hogwarts?" he says.

"Yes, how did you guess?"

"It was quite simple really, I thought there would only be very few reasons to explain your presence here. One, you are here to kill me and as I have observed, I am not, to my knowledge, in fact dead. Hence the first possibility is ruled out. Two, you are here to torture information out of me, but I find this as equally unlikely as the first possibility as you wouldn't have come by yourself. Three, you are here –"

"With all due respect, Professor Dumbledore, I was merely being polite."

"Of course, we should address the issue at hand which is that if I employ you as a member of staff, you will be entrusted with the care of many students. It is a Professor's responsibility to never harm students and to protect them. You understand this?"

"Of course I understand!"

"And you may not get information from them, corrupt them or spread propaganda in any way through them?"

"Yes, Professor Dumbledore, I understand."

"Good, now that we're clear on that. What exactly are your intentions and aspirations?"

"Is this a question you expect me to answer?"

"Mr Snape," Professor Dumbledore narrows his eyes, "I am fully aware of your dwindling loyalties for two sides. I will employ you, but you must understand, if I discover any reason to believe the rumours of your fraternisation with the Dark Side, I will have no choice but to hand you over to the Ministry and believe me when I say that they are not as forgiving as I am."

"I will not give you any reason to think anything of the sort."

"I didn't think so. Now, what position would you like, if given the choice?"

"Defence against the Dark Arts."

"Hmm," Professor Dumbledore looks at me carefully, "Potions would be better suited to you in your current situation. I will owl the documents ahead, good day Professor Snape."

I walk out, only half successful. I can wait, I am patient. The only problem is that the Dark Lord is not, he is restless and there's only so much time he will give me.


	36. The Mirror of Illusio Exitiabilis

**A/N:**** Hello everybody! I'm getting a bit better at updating. I cannot promise that this will be much good, whilst key information is revealed (you'll see), it is kind of a filler.**

**On a completely irrelevant note, I saw Insurgent last Thursday and it was nothing like the book. Evelyn was pretty and young enough to be Tobias' sister, the whole plot was based on this stupid box which doesn't exist in the book, Uriah was in it for all of ten minutes, Marlene was in it for like thirty seconds and Christina... I'm going to stop there. I suppose it was okay but argh! I don't know what I saw, but it wasn't Insurgent.**

**Anyway, I own nothing, no copyright infringement is intended and all credit goes to J K Rowling. **

**Please enjoy and have a wonderful day.**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"Well that," Sirius says, brushing the dust off of his jacket with slight aggression, "was fucking weird."

James casts _Lumos_ and looks around. Nothing but overgrown grass, bushes tipped with spikes, rocks and a few trees for miles and miles. You can see scorch marks from our duels.

"We're about twenty miles away from the road," he says.

"Brilliant," Sirius says shaking his head, "just fucking brilliant."

"_Sirius_," Mar says, grabbing his arm as he stalks in the general direction of the road we fell from.

"Don't 'Sirius' me! We're lost, in the middle of nowhere, with no car and with Death Eaters tracking us. Am I not allowed to be slightly frustrated and desperate at this point?"

"You _are_, of course you are, but we're not going to progress any further if you don't –"

"Calm down? Are bloody stupid? We're in the middle of a war with our lives on the line and you want me to calm down?"

"I swear Sirius, I've had just about enough of you. If you're going to be so Merlin-damned negative all the way through this, then I'm not sure I want to be around you."

"So what? You're just going to leave me? That's just typical isn't it?"

"Just shut up, Sirius."

"I tell you what, why don't you –"

"For heaven's sake!" I cut in, standing between them, "grow up. We're going to get out of here and there's no reason for either of you to be bickering like toddlers all the way through it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do something useful."

"I'll come with you," Remus says.

I nod and we walk parallel to the road twenty miles above us.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

Marlene stalks off to where Alice and Wormtail are sitting on a boulder, in deep conversation. Lily and Moony stride off together, talking. Hmm.

"What are you scowling for, Prongs?" Padfoot asks.

"I could say the same for you."

"Yeah, well…" Padfoot pauses, he's not sure what to say for once. It's almost comical.

"You could apologise," I suggest.

"What for?"

"For talking to her like that."

"Like how?"

"You're didn't talk to her respectfully, lots of people have this thing about respect."

"Oh do they now?"

"Yes, I get it all the time with Lily. Just bring her flowers or something."

"You want me to bribe her into forgiving me?"

"It's not exactly_ bribing_."

"Yes, it is. I'll think about it. Anyway, what's up with you?"

"Nothing, just the way Moony… oh I don't know. I don't like it."

"They're just friends."

"Yeah, I know. But still."

"Look, Prongs she loves you, and nobody else. You've got nothing to worry about between those two."

"I suppose you're right. How's it going with Marlene?"

"We argue a lot. Not like normal people do, but full-scale fights over really stupid things. Either I'm being too needy or I'm not caring enough, or she complains that she does all the work or I assume that just because she's a girl, she's not capable of doing the work, or I never do anything nice for her, or I do too much and it's cheesy… I feel like I can't win."

"You can't."

"Exactly, I don't really know what I'm supposed to say. She's comes out with things like 'look at Lily and James, look how perfect they are, look at all the kind and thoughtful things they do for each other, how come we're not like that?'."

"Lily and I are _far_ from perfect."

"Come on, Prongs, you two are like a model couple."

"Seriously? We argue too and sometimes I don't see her for days and I've got no explanation as to where she went. She doesn't like talking about Snivellus or her family, or her sister, or my ex-girlfriends, or pretty much anything serious. Then there's the whole intimacy thing."

"Intimacy thing?" Padfoot raises his eyebrows.

"You know what I mean. You're lucky with Marlene, with Lily… she's amazing, beautiful, intelligent, brave and all that but there's none of the sexual intimacy at all."

"So the problem is sex."

"Isn't it always?"

"True, but maybe she's not that kind of girl. Does it really matter to you?"

"Not really, but –"

"It _shouldn't_ matter. I may not know much about the whole relationship thing, but I know this: if you really love her, then things like that don't matter. If you truly love her, then that should be the only thing that matters, that you love her. Who cares why? Who cares about all the problems you guys have? The fact of the matter is that you love her, and if you love her, then you don't care about those things."

"Couldn't I say the same to you? If you truly love Marlene then all the arguments you have –"

"I see what you're trying to say, Prongs, I really do. But with all the arguments, how do I know she still loves me?"

"Ask."

"Did one of those spells severely fuck up your ability to think rationally?"

"No, why not ask her?"

"What do you mean, 'why not'? Because it's pathetic! That's why not."

"I'm _sorry_, can you think of a better way?"

"Um, no. Hence why I'm having this problem."

"Shouldn't it be kind of obvious if she doesn't love you?"

"You never know with girls like Marlene!"

"Just tell her how you feel about her, and then see how she reacts."

"This isn't some stupid movie where I run after her on a beach whilst there's a rain storm, I declare my undying love for her and we share a long passionate kiss and fall over in the waves. Anyway, we're in the middle of a war. It's not like my romantic woes are that big of a problem."

"Very true, where do you think Lily and Moony got to?"

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"Is everything okay?" Remus asks.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. What's wrong? "

"_Nothing_, I told you: I'm fine."

"If you're sure… you did lash out at Marlene and Padfoot for no good reason though. What was that all about?"

"I don't know. I'm stressed. It all gets a bit too much, you know? With the war, the Marriage Law, Death Eaters tracking us, the rest of my life all planned out, riddles and James…"

"What's wrong with James?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just; you know when we were ambushed by the Death Eaters?"

"Yes."

"Well, James just stood there, completely frozen. What if I hadn't been that fast? How do I know I can trust him as my partner in war? I rely on him to help me and not to get killed in the process. I protect him, he protects me. We have each other's backs. What's the use in that if he can't move?"

"I think you're being quite harsh there, Lily. We weren't prepared for any of that –"

"You think the Death Eaters are going to wait to attack when we're _prepared_? That's no excuse, Remus, and you know it. If the Death Eaters had meant to kill us, I think they'd have been able to."

"It's not my place to tell you what to do, but if I were you, I'd cut everybody some slack. We're all going through tough stuff, the last thing we need is to be at each other's throats. Isn't that exactly what the Dark Side wants us to be? Divided?"

"That's correct in theory but –"

"But what?"

"But nothing," I smile, "I forget how good you are at being right sometimes."

"Exactly. Now, what are we looking for?"

"A road, cross, pass, anything like that. And stay away from shadows."

"Why?"

I begin to open my mouth but something catches my eye from the looming dark forest several yards away from us. I walk forward, casting light over the patch of darkness closest to me. It is pitch black all around us – probably midnight now. The forest gives the illusion that I'm standing in bright light, compared to the darkness which seems to swallow up the trees in the forest. I see what caught my eyes, a shard of glass. It sticks out like a sore thumb. What on earth is a shard of glass doing in the middle of nowhere? I bend down to pick it up, holding it carefully so as not to cut myself. I hold it up for Moony to see.

"What is it?"

"Glass, from a mirror."

"What's it doing here?"

"I have no idea. Should we have a look?"

"No, Lily. Not alone, we shouldn't. We should tell the others."

"Yeah, you're right," I say, but I'm only half listening. There's movement just ahead of me. I'm just a little too far away to see quite what it is…

"Lily, don't. Come back," he says, worriedly.

"I'll be fine. I'll just –"

"LILY, WATCH OUT!" he yells, terrified.

I whirl around. Something comes toward me, its face half a shadow.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Prongs," Padfoot whines, "they've been gone _ages_."

"I know," I say, pacing.

"Stop that," Marlene says and I stop pacing, "Somebody send a _Patronus_ to go find them, I'll send one to Dumbledore, let him know where we are."

"Good plan," I say, casting the _Patronus_ _Charm_ as Marlene heads in the other direction, Padfoot running after her.

My stag prances from my wand and turns to me expectedly.

"Go and find Lily and Moony, let us know where they are. Bring them back if you can."

I don't know if stags can nod but if they can, then mine just did. I sigh a bit of relief. Magic like that drains me and now I feel tired. I really hope nothing decides to attack at this point because I am beyond exhausted.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

The figure emerges into the full light of my wand. It holds a knife. It wants to kill me. I know this much. But I can't kill it. It has the face of James.

"LILY!" Remus screams again, "what are you doing? Kill it!"

"I _can't_, it's James."

"No, it's not James! It's a monster."

He steps forward but is pushed back by an invisible barrier. The figure that looks like James, but is all wrong, steps forward and speaks. Its voice slices me in two, it quite literally gives me a splitting headache just listening to it.

"You wouldn't kill me, would you? That would be murder."

Then I feel the impact of the figure as it slams me to the floor, ridding me of breath. I feel a sharp pain from my hand, I realise I'm still holding the piece of glass. I let go of it and put it hastily in my pocket. My other hand pushes the creature with James' face back, stopping it's fangs from touching me. The figure loses James' face and I see it as what it really is – a monster. I kick up, the monster falling back as I jump to my feet, I point my wand at it.

"What do you want?" I ask, slightly breathless.

"Nothing," it hisses, "my master wants something. You need to stay here."

"Not very likely."

"You can't move," it says, "your love for him holds you back. Move and he dies."

"What do you mean?"

"See for yourself."

I look behind the monster, not moving my wand from it. I see James, tied by his hands, struggling, monsters of every description closing in. His body writhing in pain. I can feel the panic rising in my chest. Oh James…

"Make it stop. Stop it!"

"Of course, of course, when you give me the last piece."

"The last piece?"

"Of the Mirror."

"The mirror?"

"You have it and it is not yours, give it to me and he will live."

"What will happen when I give it to you?"

"That's none of your concern, now give to me."

I see a silver shape out of my eye and Remus' shouts.

"DESTROY IT!" I hear Remus say.

"I _can't_ what about the real James?" I cry back at him.

"It's a mirror! It's not real. That's not James, the image you see isn't James, it's a mirror and you hold the final piece! Destroy it Lily!"

I decide to trust Remus and smash the piece of mirror on the ground, then stamp on it. The monster takes one look at me and then its eyes turn several shades darker until they're like black holes, sucking in all life and happiness. I take a step back and then the silver creature soars through the sky and chases the monster, which seemingly disappears. Then the silver creature slams into the thing the monster disappeared into and where I saw James writhing in pain… and it shatters. A mirror. I turn around, Remus stumbles, finally able to get past the invisible barrier.

"What _was_ that?" I ask him.

"I could be wrong, but I think that was the Mirror of Illusio Exitiabilis."

"Which is?"

"The Mirror of Fatal Illusion. It looks into your soul and conjures up the image which would hurt and haunt you the most. Usually of a loved one. It could be used as a very powerful weapon, especially since if you are the desired target, you are not aware that it is a mirror. I could see what it was because clearly He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named didn't want to target me."

"So what did the monster want?"

"The last piece of the Mirror," Remus says simply, "the only reason you could tear yourself away was because the Mirror wasn't in its full power – you had the last piece. The monsters which inhabit the Mirror are made of the same substance of the Mirror which allows them to mimic what will shock you the most. By crushing that last piece and then that _Patronus_ smashing the Mirror, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named won't be able to use it. Well done Lily."

"Did you say _Patronus_?"

"Yes."

"Who's is it?" I try and recall what the silver creature had looked like before it vanished into vapour once it had destroyed the Mirror.

"Prongs'."

"James? Where is he?"

"I don't know, send a _Patronus_ back to him, they need to hear about this."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Hold on. You _what_?"

Lily and Remus just got back with possibly the most complex story I have ever heard. I can't believe I let Lily and Remus go by themselves. I should have known something like this would happen.

"Look, James, you don't need to worry. Your _Patronus_ saved us and we're fine now."

"But you so easily could not have been! What if you'd _died_?"

"I wouldn't have died," she says defensively, "I had Remus and we found out some key information. This is what being in the Order is all about."

"What exactly did you find?"

"That He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Remus says, "is delving with Dark Magic, like the Mirror for example, now we know that it's not just monsters and creatures he's got, but cursed objects as well. This means we need to be careful with what we own and what we touch. I'm going to send a _Patronus_ to Dumbledore, okay?"

"Sure, sure," I say, my eyes never leaving Lily.

"What?" she asks, catching me looking at her.

"Let's walk over there," I say, pointing to the rock a few paces away.

When we're out of earshot of the others, I sit down and Lily's head rests on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

"Sort of."

Then she turns into my chest and cries softly.

"What is it?"

"When I saw you in the Mirror, you were screaming and contorted and I just… I _never_ want to have to see that again. It's among the worst things I've ever seen. I thought they really had you and I can't really describe it, James. It was awful."

"I'm sorry you had to see that, maybe joining the Order was a bad idea –"

"No. It's the second best best decision I've ever made," she sits ups suddenly, all her tears gone, "we _need_ to do this James. I need to help in some way or other. I will be fine. This is just war, isn't it? This stuff happens in war. I'm being stupid, forget about all of that. I was being selfish."

"Okay, but what was the first best decision you've ever made?" I ask, eager to change the subject.

"Marrying you," she says, smiling.

I kiss her softly on the lips because I love her, because I'm so relieved that she's safe, because of all she's been through, because I want to make her feel better, because it's not fair that she has to see and experience all that she's seen and experienced but mostly because I love her and she loves me, and that is truly beautiful.


	37. The Truth Is Never Simple

**A/N:**** Hello everybody! I hope you didn't get too badly tricked on April Fool's Day and that your week's been going quite well. We've broken up for the Easter Holidays which is great but... I will be staying with my grandparents for the next week which means there might be no wi-fi which is a complete disaster. In short, it will be a while until you get an update and I'm lousy at updating anyway so...**

**I know this update is so long overdue and this chapter is kind of a filler but the amount of support I'm receiving is amazing so I had to write something. Please forgive any grammatical errors.**

**I own nothing, no copyright infringement is intended and all credit goes to J K Rowling who has blessed us all with her creation. (By the way, thank you skyemithrald714, your review greatly amused both me and my sister.)**

**Please enjoy &amp; have a fantabulous day!**

* * *

1 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING – JULY 27th 1978

(DAY AFTER THE WEDDING)

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"_I know!_ Merlin, Sirius, just go to sleep!"

"I _was_ asleep until you started rustling the sleeping bag and making a racket."

"That's not _my_ fault! You were taking up all the room on the mattress!"

"Well maybe if you didn't insist on having all the sleeping bag –"

"I just don't want to freeze to death! Now can you stop being so difficult and get your own sleeping bag?"

"But this is my sleeping bag, you get your own."

"No, you get your own."

"No, _you_ get your own."

"No."

"Well I'm not getting one."

"Then you can freeze to death."

"Maybe I will."

"Well you can't blame me when you wake up in the middle of the night with a cold."

"Why would I blame you?"

"You always blame me for everything."

"That's absolute bullshit, Marlene and you know it."

"Is it though? You never take responsibility for yourself."

"That is not true, I'm very capable."

"Give me an example."

"I will. There was the time when… you know what? I don't have to explain myself to you."

"There you go again, excuses, excuses. Blah, blah, blah, life's not fair, my life's so hard, you're never nice to me, blah, blah, blah."

"Well you're not nice to me."

"Aw, does ickle Sirius want some love and attention?"

"Stop being such a bitch Marlene, are you on your period or something?"

"Fuck off, you misogynistic twat."

"How am I being misogynistic?"

"How are you not? Just because I show my emotions and act like an actual human being does not mean I'm on my period. Are you sure _you're_ not on your period?"

"There you go again! You _always_ do this. Why do you keep putting me down like that?"

"Well I didn't know you were so easily offended."

"Why are you always so hypocritical? You show your emotions and that's fine because you're being an empowered woman but when I show mine I'm being a coward? How is that even fair? I think you're the one who's being sexist."

"Just shut up, Sirius! I can't deal with you right now and your constant _whining_. Do you know how tedious it is to put up with you?"

"Well if you find me that tedious then what the hell are you doing here?"

"I won't be here for much longer, that's for darned sure."

"You're a bitch."

"You're a bastard."

I sigh with relief, because at last they've stopped shouting at each other. I hear footsteps outside my tent which I'm sharing with James.

"Lily and James?" Marlene whispers.

"Yeah?" we both say together.

"Can James swap with me so I don't have to sleep in the same tent as Sirius?"

James holds back a groan.

"Please?" Marlene says.

"Alright then," James concedes and leans over to kiss me, "I'll see you in a bit."

"Love you."

"I love you too, Lily-flower."

I watch him go out of the tent and into Sirius' as Mar comes inside.

Once we'd sent a _Patronus_ to Dumbledore, we'd set up tents just a few yards away from where we duelled the Death Eaters. We set up wards and secrecy charms to conceal ourselves from Muggles, wizards and witches and especially dark magic. The original sleeping arrangements had been: me and James, Sirius and Mar, Alice and Remus and then Wormy on his own (he insisted on having his own tent).

"Sorry Lils, I just couldn't spend the whole night with him. I love him but argh! He's so infuriating."

"It's okay," I tell her even though it isn't, not really. I had wanted some alone time with James.

"Mar? Lil? Can I come and sleep in your tent with you?"

I recognise Alice's voice.

"Sure, what happened?"

"Nothing," Alice says unzipping the tent, coming inside and then zipping it back up again, "I just didn't want to sleep with Remus."

"You didn't leave him on his own did you?"

"What do you take me for? A callous misanthropist? Remus went to share a tent with Sirius and James, so I came here."

"So he left you?"

"No, we reached a mutual understanding."

"Wow," Mar says, "look at you Alice, all mature and grown up."

"Hey, I can be mature and grown up when I want to be," Alice sticks her tongue out at Mar.

We rearrange the bedding to accommodate all three of us.

"So what was your fight with Sirius all about?" Alice asks.

"That's exactly it, it wasn't _about_ anything. It was a completely unnecessary argument to have but every time we're alone together all we do is bite each other's heads off - and not in a good way."

Alice frowns, "how can you bite someone's head off in a good way?"

"Don't ask," I cut in before Mar can answer.

"_Anyway_, how are you Lily?" Mar asks, look at me concernedly.

"I'm fine, all things considered."

"What things considered?" Alice cocks her head to one side, as if studying me.

"Well… I seem to be encountering a lot of dark magic and torture and pain and suffering recently but other than that, I'm perfectly fine."

"You know when we were at Hogwarts?" Alice sits up, "what exactly happened all those times you went to the Hospital Wing? You kind of hinted at stuff, the fact that they hurt you but… I feel like you watered it down quite a lot. I'm guessing you didn't want us to think you were weak or you didn't want us to intervene or something like that. But Lily, we're not children anymore. _You're_ not a child anymore, but that doesn't mean you should have to face everything alone. You've seen so much, experienced so things no child should ever have to see or experience. No person should ever have to go through the things you did. I know you think Mar and I won't understand but Lily… we're all fighting in this war and we're people too. We know what it's like to lose family and friends. We both know what it's like for something to fail and for you to think you screwed everything up and that it's your entire fault. I know what it's like to let go of a person who you've depended on for so long, trusted and loved. I don't claim to understand why you do the things you do or why you keep stuff from us, but Marlene and I won't judge you for it. You think we won't get it, but how can you know that unless you've tried? Please, Lily trust us."

I look at my hands. How could they possibly understand? How can I possibly tell them? It's really not as simple as telling or not telling. I want to tell them, I just don't know how. It's hard enough saying what I mean to James and sometimes, even to myself. Alice is right, of course she is, but is it right for me to tell them these things? My nightmares and the darkness that haunts me is a burden that is mine, and mine alone. But it's a lonely journey and I've been aching to tell them for so long…

"Well, for a start, I don't really know how to explain this but I'll do my best. So you know after the OWLs? When Severus called me a Mudblood? That's sort of where our friendship petered out. Up until then, we were friends, but he constantly accused me of associating with James and was always going on about the way James stared at me and how James fancied me. I thought he was just being protective and annoyed but now I look back on it, it was jealousy. Of course, having never actually felt jealousy before at that point, I was unable to recognise it. Especially since Severus had always been good at hiding his emotions and thoughts.

"Anyway, I guess that was the final straw. Afterward, I began to realise just how much Severus tried to protect me. Seeing as I made it quite clear to the rest of the world where I stood with him, the Slytherins began to target me along with the other Muggle-borns. Before that, Severus had made sure they never hurt me but now we weren't friends… well, that's where it all really began.

"Obviously, having lost basically my only close friend from my previous life as a Muggle, I was very upset and I did blame myself. I still do. For a while, I just went in a circle of missing him, hating him, being angry with him, hating myself and just general negativity. I wondered if I'd ever forgive him or myself. Bellatrix, Lucius and Severus then started targeting me personally. Severus kept going on about having something to prove. At first, it was just petty hexes and spells which I could easily defect. I was perfectly capable of dealing with them. Then they started using the Cruciatus curse on me which led to Severus using spells of his own invention. Mostly, it was Bellatrix and Rodolphus casting the curses and giving me scars but sometimes others joined in, all bearing a black mark on their forearms.

"I remember a particular incident when I was in the library with James; I left because he'd pissed me off or something and then Severus ambushed me, tied me up and led me to the Room of Requirement…"

I then launch into the explanation of how Severus had tortured me and left me to almost bleed to death. Then I describe to them my moments of great despair when my parents died, how it still hurts, further attacks from Bellatrix, Lucius, Severus and Rodolphus, the Epiphany of the Soul from my point of view, the Vereor attack, my jealousy toward Melanie Clearwater (something I grudgingly admitted), my forgiving Severus and the ignorant pricks, all my worries and anxiety about Tuney and the funeral, Dumbledore's perplexing advice about love giving me the strength when I need it most and most recently – the Mirror of Illusio Exitiabilis.

When I'd finished telling them my lifetime of secrets, there is a pause of silence then –

"Holy shit!" Marlene exclaims, "and you dealt with all this plus James, the war, the Marriage Law, my problems, Alice's problems, school and just general life? What the bloody hell are you _made of_?"

I can't help smiling a little.

"Well carbon, mainly –"

"Ha ha," Alice says dryly, "I can't believe it, Lily. I knew it was bad but… I didn't think it was _this_ bad. You know this isn't normal, right? The amount of pressure you're under? Merlin, if I'd have known –"

"Look, don't go blaming yourself. It was stupid of me to hold it all in for so long."

"Now I see why you were such a cranky bitch sometimes," Alice says.

I scowl at her.

"Only _sometimes_," Alice says weakly.

"You know, if I'd gone through all that I'd be a hell of a lot more of a cranky bitch," Marlene says.

"I don't think that's possible," Alice says, grinning.

"Alright, Ms Perfect, just because you're jealous of how well I handle relationships –"

"Yeah, the lesson we all learn from Marlene McKinnon: if you want something to fail, just do what I do."

"Rude," Marlene says, throwing a pillow at Alice's head.

"Says you," Alice says, tossing it right back, twice as hard.

"Yes, says me," Marlene says, charming the pillow to repeatedly hit Alice on the head.

"Hey! Stop that!" Alice says as the pillow starts tickling her and she rolls around on the floor giggling.

I laugh.

"You too," Marlene says, charming another pillow to do the same to me.

I charm the duvet she's under to tickle her feet with its feathers and soon we're all in hysterics.

"Is it bad that we're in the middle of a war and all we're doing is laughing?" Alice says as the charms wears off.

"Nah," Marlene says, "I laugh in the face of the Dark Side. They're all so glum all the time, they need to learn to liven up. Besides, what are we supposed to do? Sit around being solemn soldiers for however long this war takes? I'm missing out on a normal life here, in fact, because of this stupid war; I may not even have a life tomorrow. So, I think I have every right to laugh all I want."

I smile because she's right – life is short but that's okay because at least the one I have is worth living.


	38. The Rules of Maraudership

**A/N:**** Hello! I'm back. I hope you all had a good Easter and if you don't celebrate Easter, then I hope you had a good week and a bit. You're probably used to how pathetic I am with updating so I'll stop stating the obvious. **

**Thank you for the support, I know I say it all the time but seriously... thank you for reading this and leaving reviews and following and favourite-ing and stuff. It is greatly appreciated.**

**I do not own the Harry Potter franchise and no copyright infringement is intended and all credit goes to J K Rowling.**

**Oh and I went a bit crazy with Harry Potter Wiki... there's quite a lot of facts in this chapter especially about the Weasley family.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

JULY 27th 1978 – 1 PM

(THEY SLEPT FROM ABOUT 2 AM TO 12 AM – 10 HOURS SLEEP… IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR. HOW I ENVY THEM. JUST JOKING.)

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Come on guys! Dumbledore said the Portkey he set up would arrive just over there…" Marlene calls, walking up ahead and almost into the horizon at the top of the hill.

Lily is at the back of the party; I stop and wait for her. As she walks up to me, I see that her hair is in tangles - the way it usually it is but with a certain roughness which is alien to Lily Evans Potter. Her eyes are tired and have dark rings underneath and her green eyes that are normally beautifully clear and bright are dull and clouded. I notice that her clothes are ripped and covered in blood and slime. Looking at how I've described her, I suppose you wouldn't expect me to say how incontestably beautiful I find her, even now. Especially now. Despite my being obviously bigoted, Lily is quite the most unprecedented person in the world _and she's my wife_. I still can't come to terms with that.

"Hey," she says, breathless.

"How was your sleepover?" I smile at her, knowing it will piss her off.

She scowls at me, "Fine, how was yours?"

"Marauders don't have sleepovers," I say, matter-of-factly.

"Don't they? That's weird because we swore we heard giggling and you guys playing truth or dare."

"Marauders don't giggle, either."

"But Padfoot –"

"Believe me, Padfoot is and always will be – an exception to all rules."

She grabs my hand and holds it tightly. I look at her quizzically.

"What? Marauders don't hold hands?" she asks, mockingly.

"We do, _actually_."

"I do beg your pardon."

"You are forgiven."

"Forgiven for what?" she demands, staring me down, the light in her green eyes back and blazing. I hold back a gulp.

"Nothing, nothing."

She puts our entwined hands in my pocket.

"What's this?" she asks, pulling out the paper from my pocket her hand must have brushed against. Oh shit.

"Erm…"

"This isn't what I think it is, is it?"

"That depends on what you think it is."

"Is this the mistletoe I Transfigured into a reindeer for you in fourth year when you tried to kiss me?"

"Yes?" I brace myself for whatever crazy reaction I may receive from this.

"But why did you keep it?" she examines the paper reindeer carefully, her voice soft and gentle.

"Because it reminded me of you and our almost kiss and how we kind of were friends in fourth year and it gave me this kind of crazy hope that maybe you'd kiss me for real someday," I say very, very fast and I'm surprised that she can follow what I'm saying.

"James…" she says, looking up at me, "that's so sweet."

"Is it?"

"Yeah, kind of. Some part of me finds it incredibly pathetic and lame but mostly it's sweet."

"Just so you know, Marauders aren't pathetic or lame, or sweet for that matter."

"Then you're not very good at being a Marauder then," she says, faking seriousness.

"I am wounded."

"How do you think I feel? I married you for heaven's sake."

"I would hope you married me for your own sake," I say, resting my arm around her shoulder.

"You think you're really witty, don't you?"

"You think so too."

"Hm…"

We walk in silence for a while before Lily pulls out a box wrapped in shiny silver paper.

"For you," she says, holding it out to me.

"What's this?"

"Your wedding present, from me."

I open it – it's a watch. Not an ordinary watch, though, I'll bet. Aside from looking very smart and having that posh-but-not-so-much-that-it-looks-like-it's-worth-much look, I know there's something more. Lily isn't in the business of giving people what she deems 'narcissistic, consumerist crap'.

She watches me, with that look of hers that she gets when she's really very excited and proud of what she's done and she wants me to understand her genius with this watch. Try as I might, I simply can't quite latch on to what she wants me to see.

"I'm lost, what exactly is it?"

She suspires with slight agitation and exasperation.

"I suppose it's a good thing you don't know what it does; it means no one else will either. I charmed and transfigured it, see? Minerva gave me the idea."

"Minerva?" I splutter, recognising Professor McGonagall's first name.

"Yeah, Minerva McGonagall? Our old Transfiguration teacher?"

"I know who she is! Why did you call her Minerva?"

"Well… we're friends."

"You're friends with McGonagall?" I look at her, incredulous.

"Yes, I am. And Albus is a good friend of mine as well."

"Professor Dumbledore?"

"He made me call him Albus, we were talking via Patronus and he insisted on being addressed as Albus."

"What in the name of Merlin… You know it's weird to befriend teachers, right?"

"Did you know that it's a dumbass move to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with?"

"Sorry, it's just… do you have any other new friends I should know about?"

"Molly and Arthur Weasley, but they're your friends too. I think so, anyhow. Their first child, William or Bill as we all call him, was born in 1970, you know. I went to the Christening. He'll be turning eight this year… I really must get a present sorted –"

"Lily, it's July, his birthday is in November."

"Yes, I know, November 29th. I'm surprised you remembered. Anyway, he'll be going to school in '82. Wow, time goes by fast, doesn't it? Charlie, you know, Charles, born in '72? On the 12th of December?"

"Yes, I know who all the Weasley children are."

"He's adorable, incredibly sweet. But you should see Percy! He was born only almost two years ago – August 22nd. He is quite possibly the most charming one-year-old I've ever met. I really must take you to visit the Weasley's - it's been ages since I last visited them. Oh! And the twins, born this April! We really need to visit our friends more often. Molly is so hospitable and kind –"

"You mean we need to visit your friends."

"Well who are you friends with?"

"Moony, Padfoot and Wormy."

"Exactly, we're with them now. We need to make an effort to stay in touch with our old friends, too. We need –"

"Lily, sweetheart, you're rambling off nonsense now. We were talking about the watch?"

"Right," she flushes slightly, "sorry. Yes, the watch. It shrinks objects and allows you to conceal them inside the watch. I thought it would be good for times like this, you never know when you might need something which is too big to carry around normally."

"Wow, thank you, Lily. This is amazing. How did you do it?"

"My own genius, of course," she jokes.

"Of course."

"I love you, James."

"I love you too."

We stop walking. She leans in and we kiss for what seems like no time at all.

"HEY! Lovebirds! Snog in your own time, we've got a war on! Death Eaters to hex? Innocent lives to save? Ring a bell?" Alice yells from where the Portkey is situated, a few metres ahead.

"Sorry!" Lily shouts back, running toward Alice.

"Now we need to wait until Dumbledore gives the all-clear…"

Everybody sits down gradually, waiting but not quite relaxing. We're all still tense. I run up to Lily, where she's sitting on grass, bathed in the summer sunlight. The warm light makes her hair and general figure look a lot more warm and soft and bright. I sit down next to her.

"This is my wedding gift to you," I say, holding out a small box.

She opens it and a key falls into her lap. She looks up at me, confused.

"What's this James?" she asks.

"A house key."

"A house key?" she repeats, looking at the key, then her eyes widen and she turns to look at me instead. "James, no…"

"Well, cottage key might be more accurate but –"

She flings her arms around me.

"Thank you so much!" she exclaims.

"You don't even know _where_ yet."

"I don't have to; I know it will be somewhere amazing."

"Your faith in me is astounding. It's Potters' Cottage in Godric's Hollow, it's been in my family for Merlin knows how long."

"And we're going to live there?"

"Yeah, it's a lovely village and I thought that you'd really like it –"

"James, I already love it. But it's way too much, I can't accept this –"

"All you're accepting, my darling Lily-flower, is the key. The cottage will be ours and it looks like a good place to live and have the guests around that you adore so much…"

"I'd like that," Lily says, smiling radiantly.

"Me too."

"You know I'm going to half live in there too, right?" Padfoot says, just as Lily and I are about to kiss.

"I wouldn't dream of kicking you out, Sirius," Lily says, good-heartedly.

"Yeah, it wouldn't be the same without my good old brother," I slap him on the back, I do mean what I'm saying but his timing is awful.

"I should hope so! Marauders do not kick other Marauders out of their houses," Padfoot says.

"Very true."

Lily looks at the two of us critically.

"You two and your rules of Maraudership."

"Is Maraudership a word?" I ask her.

She chucks some grass in my face, "It is now."

"Marauders do not make up words when it suits them," Padfoot says.

"Well I do," Lily says.

"Okay then, Marauders _do_ make up words when it suits them," Padfoot corrects himself.

"I wasn't aware I was a Marauder," Lily says, frowning.

"You all are," Padfoot says, "there's you, me, Prongs, Moony, Wormtail, Marlene and Alice. Hell, even old Dumbledore's a Marauder."

"Marauders also have the ability to make up rules and abolish and break rules when it pleases them to do so," Moony says, laughing.

"Now you need to take the solemn oath," Padfoot says, with a great tone of earnestness.

"I'll go first," Lily says, "I solemnly swear to always point out when Padfoot is being stupid."

"These oaths _are_ sacred, Lily," Moony says.

"In that case, I solemnly swear to cause mischief and live to the best of my ability."

"Here, here," Padfoot says, approvingly.

It goes on like this until everyone's taken the solemn oath.

I sit with Lily on the grass, waiting for the Portkey to be ready and for the first time in what seems like ages, I feel contended with my life. I have a courageous, intelligent and strong-willed wife, Marauders for friends and now – a home. If only the bloody war would end, then everything… Oh well, there's no use in dwelling on what could have been.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

Dumbledore is still 'considering' my offer. He would like to have me be a Professor of Potions but he says that it is unlikely I will be able to teach for at least two years. When I asked him why, he went on about training and Professorship by which point I had quite had enough of his lengthy letters full of illegible script detailing matters which I simply do not care about.

On a different note, this warm weather is greatly unpleasant. I really do hate the summer. Lily always loved it, though. I wonder how… no. I don't care how Lily is or what she's doing. No doubt she has the Potter boy to protect her – or rather she'll be protecting him. Not that it matters, of course.

Lucius has become friendly toward me, which is rather disconcerting. I suspect Narcissa had something to do with that. Rosier, Mulciber, Avery and Dolohov have also acted more warmly toward me. The only vaguely consistent attitude I'm receiving is from that of the Black sisters (now Malfoy and Lestrange). Narcissa is my friend, or at least an ally and Bellatrix still treats me like vermin. Not that the feeling isn't mutual, because it is. Despite Bellatrix Lestrange's marital status, it has become somewhat of an inside joke between Death Eaters that she fantasises about the Dark Lord instead of her husband.

I have no time for petty jokes. It's surprising how easily amused my fellow Death Eaters are. Most of them have the attention spans of a flea and the maturity of a child. If they do not, then they are most likely psychopathic and sadistic – like Bellatrix, for example.

I have no doubt that I've become a great deal more outspoken, but there is a certain way a Death Eater should talk when asserting his presence – rude, hostile and disparaging. Lily would not approve, but, as Narcissa has said, I do not exist simply to please Lily. Which is both true and not true.


	39. The Order of the Phoenix

**A/N:**** Hello! I have a performance coming up so updates will most likely be more delayed than usual. Sorry. **

**Anyway, this chapter (nothing really happens in this chapter, it's basically a background thing. Still vital for the plot though) is all about the Original Order as you may have guessed. Anyway, I did source most of my information from Harry Potter Wiki so it should be pretty accurate. However, this story isn't completely cannon so I've taken liberties such as ****Hestia Jones being part of the original order. Which she might have been, it's not been proven or disproven.**

**I rambling, sorry.**

**Thank you for reading and all your support. Enjoy!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODLAND OF NORTHUMBERLAND

30th JULY 1978

* * *

"Thank you all for coming," Albus says, looking around at us all. Ordinarily he would be smiling at us, but now is not the time. He regards us thoughtfully and gravely.

The Portkey led us just outside Northumberland as it wouldn't be safe to Portkey directly to our location; what with all means of Magical travel being monitored by both the Light and Dark sides. Instead, we walked to a wood in Northumberland where Albus had told us to meet and there we camped out and waited until today, when Albus got the Order together for one of the first times. All the Order members were invited and all have arrived. This, he said, was an introductory meeting. The aim being to understand our motives and hopefully the enemies' motives as well. Albus also wishes for all us Order members to get to know each other better, to learn each other's fighting styles, our weaknesses, our strengths as we will be fighting together and we are few in number.

"I founded the Order of the Phoenix to oppose Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters," Albus says, a few of us draw in breath at the mention of _his_ name but many of us give applause and sounds of encouragement and appreciation, like cheering.

"Come on now, it is but a name. The fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself, remember that. His name only has power because you yourselves gave it power. Only you have the ability to take the fear and therefore the power away. As I was saying, I founded it to oppose the Dark Side," he pauses whilst we all clap. "As no doubt some of you are aware, Lord Voldemort has returned to England, with an army as great and terrible as ever. Their objective, as they have quite clearly displayed, is to take over the Ministry of Magic and persecute Muggle-borns.

"We, the Order, work _with_ the Ministry to help protect it, our Wizarding community and the Muggles themselves. The Muggles are quite unobservant at the minute but no doubt as the Dark Side grows, they too shall notice strange happenings.

"Aurors from the Ministry like Mr Alastor Moody," he nods to a man with a face covered in scars and rough skin, a large chunk of his nose gone and matted blonde-ish hair streaked with blood and burnt at the edges. He also has a wooden leg, but that's the least unnerving thing about him, the most unnerving feature about his face is his eyes. One is small and dark whilst the other is an electric blue – a magical eye – that seemingly moves around independently to the other. I shiver a little; it's almost as if he can see right through me with that eye.

"…will be joining the Order to participate in more secretive, sudden assaults aimed to… shall we say, subdue? Yes, aimed to subdue the Dark Rebellion.

"As I'm sure you've all heard the Death Eaters have been attacking mostly Muggles and Muggle-borns to spread fear and panic among us. However, they soon shall turn to attacking what they call 'blood traitors'."

Albus pauses and looks at us intently, with a mixture of sorrow and remorse.

"Wait," Fabian Prewett, twin of Gideon and brother of Molly speaks up, "what do you mean by 'blood traitors'?"

"Alas, Fabian, 'blood traitors' are purebloods or half-bloods that are on the Light Side. They can be pure-bloods who marry Muggle-borns or Muggles, pure- or half-bloods who oppose prejudice based on blood purity or even pure- or half-bloods who openly agree to equal rights for Muggles and Muggle-borns."

"So that means us - the whole Prewett family by association, the McKinnons, the Bones, the Potters, the Meadowes… everyone in the Order and our families. Merlin, even Molly. The Weasleys… she has children, oh Merlin what have I done?" Fabian buries his face in his hands. I suppose he has a point. What have we done by joining, signed up for a lifetime of danger and no security for our families? I feel a wave of sympathy wash over me, he's Molly's younger brother after all. Any family of hers is family to me, too.

"Fabian, we knew what we were getting into when we joined. Molly will be fine, she has Arthur and she's a witch for Merlin's sake! We can use the Fidelius charm if need be. I promise you Fabian, we are doing good by being here," Gideon says, talking directly to his twin.

"You're right of course; I'm just worried is all."

"We're all worried, Fabian," Albus says, "the journey ahead of us is perilous and dangerous but it must be done and it cannot be helped. Your affiliation with the Order will cost you your safety in some ways and your social freedom in others. But have no doubt; I strongly believe that we can protect everyone in danger – especially the Muggles."

He draws a piece of parchment from one of the many pockets in his robes.

"This is a list of members of the Order. We are putting the list under the Fidelius charm as well as future headquarters of the Order. Any information revealed in these meetings is also under the charm to avoid double agents enlightening the Dark Side on our business. So… there is of course me: Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, my brother Aberforth Dumbledore, Alastor Moody, Alice Longbottom, Arabella Figg, Benjy Fenwick, Caradoc Dearborn, Dedalus Diggle, Dorcas Meadowes, Edgar Bones, Elphias Doge, Emmeline Vance, Fabian Prewett, Frank Longbottom, Gideon Prewett, James Potter, Lily Potter, Marlene McKinnon, Minerva McGonagall, Mundungus Fletcher, Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, Rubeus Hagrid, Sirius Black, Sturgis Podmore, Alice Smith," I look up at the sound of Alice's full name, "and Hestia Jones.

"Are there any objections to the list?" Albus asks, surveying us carefully.

Nobody raises any objections.

"Mr Dumbledore, sir," Sturgis Podmore says, clearing his throat, "is it true you've been taking that man Snivelly Snape under your wing?"

There are few amused splutters and some snorts. I roll my eyes, seriously, why do they feel the need to laugh at Severus' nicknames? It's cruel. Although, I suppose some of them find it laughable that one might think a respectable man like Albus would take a Death Eater 'under his wing'. They are fools, they do not know Severus like I once did.

"In some ways, yes it is true," Albus says.

The crowd of people around me murmur. I look at Marlene and we share a look.

"QUIET! He has applied for a job teaching at Hogwarts. I have agreed to employ him on _some conditions_ of course. I did not say I trust him, believe his stories or that I will tell him any information regarding the war – because I have not and I cannot see why I would."

"Still, should you really be letting _Slytherins_ teach at Hogwarts?" Sturgis Podmore asks. I am beginning to like him less and less.

"I am not sure what you mean, Mr Podmore."

"The Slytherins… they're Death Eaters. Blood racists, bigots –"

"Are you not being bigoted right now, Mr Podmore?" Albus interrupts.

"That's different –"

"It is no different. We have many allies that were formerly Slytherin. Professor Slughorn, Andromeda Tonks, I understand, a former Black has joined our cause. What evidence do you have to support your idea that all Slytherins are blood racists and bigots?" Albus folds his hands in his lap and leans forward as if interested in what Sturgis has to say.

Sturgis Podmore goes quiet.

"You see, in order to defeat injustice – not only do we have to stop the Dark Side that deals out injustice but we have to prevent ourselves from dealing out injustice. As Mr Podmore has shown, no one is completely immune to being bigoted and discriminatory."

I think about that as the meeting is dismissed. James and I have plans to visit Godric's Hollow tonight.

"Did you see him?" Padfoot asks, as he strides toward us.

"See who?" I ask him.

"_Him_," he nods towards Alastor, "Mad-Eye Moody."

"Sirius," I hiss, "could you be any louder?"

"Yes, I could. DID YOU SEE MAD –"

Marlene stomps on his foot, by Sirius' face I can tell it was painful but Sirius contains any noise.

"For the love of Merlin, woman. What was that for?"

"For being an idiot," Marlene retorts.

"You're not going to do that every time, are you?"

"Hm, maybe," Marlene smiles and Sirius grins. He grabs her waist and pulls her in for a very long kiss.

Peter, James, Remus, Alice and I look away awkwardly. Why do Marlene and Padfoot always show their affection in public? We could be in the middle of a battlefield and they'd still kiss.

"Ahem," Alice says sourly, "if you don't mind?"

Marlene draws away, blushing heavily.

"Sorry Alice –" Marlene begins.

"Hey, why are you apologising? We weren't doing anything wrong," Padfoot frowns.

"Just give it a rest, Sirius," Marlene mutters before walking after Alice, who has run ahead – visibly upset.

I rush after them, poor Alice.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"What did I do?" Sirius asks, looking at me, puzzled.

"You know how Alice feels about that sort of thing," Remus says.

"What sort of thing?" Padfoot asks, oblivious.

"Happy couples, Amos Diggory, sixth year, marriage proposal and rejection?" I say.

"Yeah, you forget how angry and upset Alice was in sixth year. Imagine how she feels every time she sees you and Marlene snogging. Alice told me she always feels like she's second best to Marlene because she says she thinks Marlene is more attractive than her and that Marlene outdoes her in every aspect of life and the one thing she had over her was Amos. Marlene was never very good with relationships and Alice had one that lasted ages and she was really proud of it… and then it all goes up in flames. Every time she sees you two snogging, it's a reminder of how inadequate she feels –" Wormtail says but Padfoot cuts him off.

"Did you just use the word 'inadequate'?" Padfoot asks, stunned.

"Yeah?"

"Will wonders never cease? Wormtail, you really are extraordinary."

"Thank you. Now are you going to stop upsetting Alice?"

"Yeah, sure but what's it to you anyway?"

"Alice and I talked and it turns out we really connect really well and we're friends. I don't like it when my friends are upset."

"Who does? What are you doing tonight Prongs?"

"Date with Lily."

"To look at the cottage?" Remus asks.

"Yeah, I think she'll really love it."

"I'm sure she will," Remus smiles.

"We'll be invited as soon as possible, right?" Wormtail asks.

"Of course, once Lily's seen it, you'll all see it."

"I can't believe the two of you are going to live in a cottage together… all by yourselves," Padfoot says.

"What? Can't you imagine you and Marlene living together?"

Padfoot laughs, "Merlin, we can't even spend more than 48 hours together without shouting at each other… we'd kill each other if we lived together."

"Or, maybe it would bring you closer?" Remus suggests.

"You heard the two of us the other day. We would blow each other up or something if we _lived_ together."

"You two really need to talk about that, you know."

"I know, but that's one conversation I'm really dreading."


	40. The Burrow and a Batrachomyomachy

**A/N:**** Hey... Sorry I haven't updated, I have no excuse I'm just being a lousy human being. Here's a chapter for you, I hope you like it and I hope my tardiness with updating isn't too insulting.**

**I do not own the Harry Potter franchise and no copyright infringement is intended and all rights go to J K Rowling.**

**I hope you're having/have had a wonderful day! Enjoy!**

**P.S. ElsaElphieGinny, I tried to use lots of those words!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

31st JULY 1978

THE BURROW

* * *

"Wow," I say, in awe as Molly shows me inside her beautiful home for the first time, dressed from floor to ceiling in an abundance of magical objects and vintage furniture, all aglow with the familiar style of the Weasleys – practical but attractive, "this is incredible."

"Do you like it? Arthur and I made it ourselves," Molly says proudly.

"I love it; this is truly brilliant, extraordinary even."

Molly's wearing a dress with a crocheted cardigan and an apron over the top, her curly ginger hair falling about her shoulders but pinned back at the front. It's one of the things we have in common, another being that we both adore children and magic. Occasionally, some people do mistake us for being sisters. I don't mind, in fact, I'd be happy if Molly were my sister.

I look around, taking in the mismatched curtains and rugs and carpets everywhere, the sloping ceilings, the magical furniture I'd often seen in James' house, the pictures hung askew on the wall, the homely feel and glow of the whole place makes me feel so very comfortable. Out of the window, which is hastily made out of hand-glued panes, I can see the garden, adorned with flowers and trees of very colour. You can also see the garage and the occasional clatter of metal coming from within it – Arthur is clearing working on his Muggle objects again. Molly says she doesn't approve of it but because Arthur is so fascinated by it all, she can't bear to stop him from doing it. There's a wooden sign hammered into the ground, reading '_The Burrow'_ in white paint.

"I'm happy you like it," Molly smiles, "when we first moved in… when was it? About 1968 I'd say, it was just after we married, you see. Some people say we rushed into it but with all this dark magic and You-Know-Who rising to power, well we didn't know if we'd even be alive the next week and we love each other dearly now, so I know it wasn't a mistake. Besides, even if I could go back, I wouldn't!

"As I was saying, when Arthur and I first moved in, well it was hardly recognisable. It was a little Tudor building with a large stone pigpen on the side! Can you imagine? Arthur wasn't so sure but I was. I knew the potential this land had and we're so close to the Diggorys, the Lovegoods and the Fawcetts now… Anyway, I was firm and I said, 'Arthur, this is an excellent price and really, we can just build on top of it'; and build on top of it we did!

"It started off as just two stories but then we had Percy and then the twins… and I would like more, I think so we just kept adding on. We've finished it now though."

"It really does look beautiful," I tell her truthfully.

"Thank you dear."

"So where are they all?" I ask, looking around for the children. The house is never usually this quiet, it's quite unsettling.

"Outside, Bill's showing Charlie how to de-gnome the garden. He's so sweet, being the eldest, teaching Charlie how to do everything. He's only eight but he's such a sweetheart. Percy's sitting on the grass, he's at that awkward stage where he wants to do whatever Bill and Charlie are doing and the twins are on a blanket outside – don't worry! They're perfectly safe! Bill said he'd watch them whilst I came to let you in. Sorry, you probably don't want to hear me ramble about my children!"

"Oh no, Molly it's completely fine! I'm sure I'd be the same in your position."

"Are you thinking of perhaps having your own?" Molly asks.

"Well, by law, I have to –"

"Nonsense! Arthur says, but don't repeat this to anyone," she leans in, so her voice is just a whisper, "that the Ministry is under a lot of pressure from protestors as well as the Dark Side at the moment and the least it wants is to anger it's warriors – otherwise the Ministry would fall. He seems to think that there won't be a Marriage Law for much longer! In fact, he heard one of the senior members of the Wizengamot say that it won't be too long before the law is changed. Isn't that great news?"

"It is," I say, bemused slightly. Change the law?

"So, do you think you would want children?"

"I would, but James and I haven't seriously discussed it." The name Squirty Squid Pickety Johnson Potter seems to come to mind and I try not to laugh.

"I'm sure if you were to talk about it, he would be all for it," Molly says, encouragingly.

"I'll try to talk to him later, perhaps. It's just… it's an awkward conversation to have and I'm not entirely sure how to bring it up. Do I just casually say 'oh, this cottage is lovely and it has a spare room, hmm, what a great place to raise a child'?"

Molly laughs.

"Oh, sweetie, it's only awkward if you make it awkward! How is Potter's Cottage? I hear it has the most wonderful honeysuckle vines and roses and senetti and –Merlin! Here I go again, rambling off about nonsense."

"Don't worry about rambling, heaven knows I do it all the time. Yes, it has a vast garden. Not quite as affluent as yours, though."

Molly laughs again, "Thank you but I am sure the Potter's Cottage garden has a rich profusion of flowers of all varieties. How is James?" she lowers her voice, "And the Order… How is Albus?"

"We shouldn't talk about this here," I implore, "You know what it's like, talking of these things. We should go outside."

"Of course, of course. I can introduce you to the twins!"

"Sounds great," I say happily, following her into the garden.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

"I hate this," says Wormtail, holding up his hand, adorned with a standard Ministry-issue wedding ring. Moony raises his eyebrows.

"You didn't have to apply for the ceremony yet," Padfoot points out.

"_I_ didn't apply for it, Melanie did. After all the guys she's been seeing, _she_ applied for the rings and the ceremony! Why?"

"I don't know, Wormtail. Maybe she really likes you or something," Moony suggests.

"Or maybe she wants a subtle reminder to paedophiles that she is not available and for them to leave her alone," Padfoot says.

"Funny, I didn't think she minded the attention," Wormtail says bitterly.

"Hey, what's gotten into you?" I ask.

"Nothing, I just don't want to marry her."

"Maybe if you can prove that she's unfaithful –"

"How? We're not even married yet and even if we were, the Ministry would just suggest I suck it up because they've got more important things to deal with."

"They have and so, by the way, have we," Moony says.

"Like what?"

"Saving the world from immense evil," Padfoot says.

"Saving innocent lives," Moony adds.

"Saving the rights of those not of Pure or Half Blood," I say.

"Destroying the dark side?" Wormtail says.

"Yes, that too," Padfoot says, grinning, "What I wouldn't give to properly hex Snivellus Snot with no consequences."

"There are consequences to everything, Padfoot," Moony points out.

"Ugh, don't you start with the logical thinking… You sound like Marlene," Padfoot groans, sinking back into his chair.

"Did you guys have another batrachomyomachy?" Moony asks, setting the book he's reading down. Wormtail frowns with confusion – his Latin is rather poor and Padfoot just looks slightly tired, as he has been for the past few weeks.

"A fight between frogs and mice?" I raise my eyebrows.

"No," Moony says, "a silly fight about nothing."

"Oh," Padfoot says, "then yes, we did."

"What over?" I ask because someone has to and they're all too scared to ask themselves. No fight is about nothing.

"Alice," Padfoot says miserably.

"Ah, what did you do this time?"

"Apparently it's too early to joke about the whole Marriage Rejection thing," Padfoot says splenetically.

"Padfoot you are the most maladroit and tactless guy I know," Moony sighs.

"And I love you too," Padfoot says dejectedly.

"Look," Moony says, "I know you find it amusing that Diggory accidentally sent a letter detailing plans for a wedding to the wrong girl –"

"It's hilarious," Padfoot cuts in, smirking. Moony scowls at him.

"You may find it funny, but to Alice, it isn't funny at all. Don't you remember how heartbroken and distraught she was?"

"Yeah," Padfoot suspires, bored.

"So play nice, okay? Alice isn't ready to look back on that event and smile about it."

"She never looks back at things and smiles at them," Padfoot grumbles.

"And you wonder why Marlene gets angry with you!" Moony says, exasperated.

"Oh yeah? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Padfoot says, standing up, his voice rising.

"That you're difficult, petulant, and puerile," Moony retorts, standing up also. (Don't you just love the Oxford comma?)

"At least I'm not a mercurial panjandrum!"

"What?" Moony splutters, plainly hurt, "I am not pompous and my perhaps unpredictable moods and temperament are to do with my lycanthropy! You _know_ that! Why would you _dare_…? I thought we were _friends_. Closer, we're Marauders. Doesn't loyalty mean anything to you?"

"Don't you talk to me about loyalty! In fact, let's talk about your lycanthropy you treacherous, perfidious snake in the grass!"

"You accuse _me_ of betrayal?" Moony breathes his voice heavy with vehemence.

"Maybe," Padfoot glowers, "but you'd be the expert so why don't _you_ tell _me_?"

"You've gone too far, you volatile, injudicious backstabber. I've never betrayed you, any of you!"

"Ooo, backstabber? Is that all you got you fraternising, fraudulent delinquent."

"Are you using words I taught you to make a point or because you can't come up with any insults yourself?"

"Are you using long words in hope you'll outsmart me or because you're too cowardly to face up to a duel?"

"Are you calling me a coward?"

"Oh yes, a large coward with no loyalty or values."

"We'll see," Moony takes out his wand but Padfoot is just as fast.

They both raise their wands as if to cast a hex – and not a defensive one.

"HEY!" I shout, moving in-between them.

"Move out of the way, Prongs," Padfoot snaps.

"Listen both of you! We're all Marauders and we've known each other for years. Are you really going to turn your wands on each other now?"

"Can't you see it, Prongs? He's a double-agent for the Dark Side," Padfoot spits.

"Don't be a prick, Padfoot. That's Moony, he would never betray us for whatever cost –"

"Oh come on Prongs, you've heard what the Ministry said. Voldemort's recruiting giants and _werewolves_."

"And you seriously think Moony of all people would join _him_? The side that Greyback is on? The guy that ruined his life? How stupid can you be? Moony's a Marauder and Marauders _never_ betray each other. Solemn oath, remember?"

Padfoot's face wavers and he drops his wand to his side. I look at Moony but his wand is already lowered.

"You're really not a spy?" he asks, quietly.

"No!" Moony says, exasperated.

"Oh fuck," Padfoot sits back down, "I really am a petulant and puerile prat, aren't I?"

"Yep, the biggest prat in the world," Moony says, sitting down also, smirking.

"Shit, I'm so sorry Moony. I guess I'm majorly paranoid."

"You guess?"

"I hate you, Moony," Padfoot grins. Moony grins back and they get up and hug, I roll my eyes.

"Now that was the epitome of a batrachomyomachy," I mutter.

"Tell me about it," Wormtail sighs.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

THE BURROW

* * *

"Auntie Lily!" Bill shouts as I walk down the garden. He runs at me for a hug. I bend down so I'm his height and wrap my arms around him and kiss him on the cheek.

"Hello, Bill. How have you been?" I ask as he gets up and drags Charlie toward him, who's been standing back, watching me with big eyes.

"Fine thank you, how have you been?" he asks and I smile.

"Very well thank you. And what about you Charlie?"

He mumbles something I don't quite catch and Bill nudges him with his foot.

"I'mokaythanks," he says so hurriedly, I barely hear it.

"Good. You know, your mum said you quite liked dragons…" I reach into my bag and pull out a model of a Common Welsh Green.

"A Common Welsh Green…" he murmurs, transfixed and I hold it out to him.

"So she got you a model dragon, what's the big deal?" Bill asks, watching his younger brother with raised eyebrows.

"The big deal," Charlie glowers at Bill and suddenly the shy boy is gone, "is that the Common Welsh Green is one of the two British dragons and it can grow up to 18 feet long, and sometimes you can tame them, and it has one of the best roars and spits fire and it's cool."

"The Hebridean Black is better," Bill dismisses.

"No it isn't! The Hebridean Black may be bigger but just because it's big it doesn't mean its better!"

"It _is_ better!" Bill shouts back and I look from one to the other.

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

"ISN'T!"

"IS!"

Charlie looks about ready to explode and swings his fist back for a punch. I jump forward and grab Charlie's wrist before it can hit Bill.

"Charlie!" I scold, "Is that _any_ way to be a civilised human being? Charlie, you shouldn't shout at someone even if what they're saying _is_ absolutely wrong, much less actually hit them, that is most certainly not the way to handle a situation. And Bill, you shouldn't provoke your brother. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Auntie Lily," Charlie mumbles.

"Yes, Auntie Lily," Bill says, looking at his feet.

Molly strides down the garden, the twins lying down in Moses baskets levitating in the air charmed to follow her, Percy's hand in her grasp, a look of pure fury on her face.

"Boys," she seethes, "what have I told you about behaviour when we have guests?"

"That we need to be on our best behaviour when guest come around," Bill recites sulkily.

"Exactly, and is this acceptable behaviour?"

"No, mum," Bill says.

"Go inside, both of you," Molly snaps at them.

Once they've left, Molly turns to me, a smile forming on her face.

"How on Earth did you manage that?" she asks.

"Manage what?" I ask, smiling back.

"Get them to stop fighting and also most people back away slowly when they witness my children fighting! It doesn't matter how many times I tell them, they always end up causing havoc anyway and they usually never listen to me, but they listened to you first time. How is that?" Molly laughs.

"I have no idea, they're usually such sweet boys and it's horrible when they argue with each other. Hi, Percy."

"Hello," Percy says, burying his face into Molly's apron.

"Aw, so _these_ are the twins," I peer into the baskets.

"Three months, almost four," Molly says, proudly.

"They're so sweet!"

"The sweetest," Molly agrees, touching one of them on the nose. "This is Fred," she says pointing to the one on her left, "and this is George. Would you like to hold them?"

I nod and Molly sets Fred first into my arms. Holding him, on that last day of July, with one of my best friends and some of the people I consider to be extended family, I suppose it sort of made up my mind. I _do_ want children of my own and this time I'm pretty certain that's what I want.


	41. Reminiscing and Potter's Cottage

**A/N:**** Hello! I hope you've had a lovely week so far. We're on half term holiday and I just got back which is why I'm updating! I'm really not very sure about this chapter so it may be taken down but it will probably stay. I feel as if when my characters converse, they always end up arguing. Also, this seems to be repetitive, we're always looking back at the past and I don't know, this chapter just has a lot of issues. **

**Anyway, I do not own Harry Potter, no copyright infringement is intended and all rights go to J K Rowling!**

**Thank you for supporting me and this story, we have 60 followers! I cannot believe it and 36 favourites. The views are extraordinary so thank you for reading, reviewing, favourite-ing and following. It means a lot.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

AUGUST 1ST 1978

POTTER'S COTTAGE

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"I don't believe this," Marlene says, through gritted teeth.

We're sat in the garden, around a wooden table on mismatched garden chairs, looking out onto the land attached to Potter's Cottage. I'm drinking tea; Marlene's drinking some kind of alcoholic drink even though it's only ten o'clock. Her legs are straight out in front of her, resting on an upturned bench. Marlene came over to help me move what little stuff I own to the Cottage. The Marauders have been shifting boxes of James' for the past few days, which seem to consist mainly of clothing and Quidditch related items. He owns more Quidditch jumpers than I own books, well maybe not quite, but still. Marlene and I are taking a break before we go back and help them. We're supposed to be fetching Butterbeer but we ended up talking. The Marauders won't really mind – it's been at least five hours since they've done any proper work. They've primarily been pratting around whilst Marlene and I got the most work done in the shortest space of time.

"I went over _five_ times to apologise and she didn't answer me once. I've tried everything, sending letters, flowers, cards, chocolates and even on one occasion, a howler. Yet, _no response_. I understand that Diggory was a twat and she dated him, then he ended up messing her around and being a dick, and now she's upset because Sirius is insensitive and has the emotional maturity of a rock but why is she pissed at me? I've dated twats and they've messed me around, Merlin knows I've had my fair share of heartbreak and hurt but I don't get why she's blaming me!"

"You did kiss him back," I point out, reminding her of the kiss she and Padfoot shared in front of Alice.

"Yeah," Marlene sniffs, "but _he_ kissed me. Besides, she's seen us kissing before, I don't get it."

I set my mug of tea down. "I don't get it either but maybe it's nothing to do with you or Sirius as individuals, rather you two as a pair, in a relationship."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe she's just jealous."

"Jealous?" Marlene repeats, incredulous, "why would Alice Smith be jealous of _me_?"

"Well, look at you! You're beautiful, compassionate, friendly, honest, brave, reckless and confident… Not to mention talented," Marlene blushes heavily, "plus, you're in a longstanding, passionate relationship –"

"So? You and James are in a longstanding, passionate relationship as well!"

"Maybe so, but she feels as if she has to compete with you and not me. I'm boring and traditional, you're vibrant and exciting. I don't know what goes on in her head. Tell you what, once we've finished moving the last box upstairs, I'll go over there with you."

"Thank you," Marlene says, "and you're not boring. You've got to stop saying that or people will start believing you." **(An Abundance of Catherine's quote, fellow John Green fans!)**

I smile, "thank you, but I really don't care what people choose to believe of me."

"I know- it's one of the things I love about you."

Sirius opens the back door, "Hey! Are you two going to stop nattering and bring us Butterbeers? I've already had to tell Remus and Wormtail off for gossiping, I don't need it from you two as well!"

"We're coming!" I shout back, "Anyway, why can't you get your own Butterbeers?"

"Because I'm lazy and incompetent, surely you know that by now Lily."

"Yep, just wanted to see if anything had changed over the past few weeks," I reply, walking toward the door.

Sirius grabs Marlene by the waist and plants a kiss on her cheek, "sadly no, I thought Marlene might make me a better person but no such luck yet."

"Hey, I'm not supposed to change your personality, you know," Marlene says, flicking his ear playfully.

"No, I know. It's one of the reasons I am indisputably in love with you," Sirius says as they lean in for a long kiss. I look away, feeling very awkward.

"ALRIGHT! Break it up!" Wormtail shouts from inside the house.

"Damn, how did he know I escaped?" Sirius curses as Wormtail stands in the doorway beside me.

"Padfoot, you're supposed to be fetching muffins and cucumber sandwiches," Wormtail says, scowling at him. **(If you've seen The Importance of Being Earnest, you might get this reference.)**

"Oh yeah… Sorry Marley, you know how it is, if you don't feed them, they start whining. I love you," he says before dashing off inside after Wormtail.

I head right inside the house with Marlene following after, slightly dazed. I can't help feeling like I intruded on a personal and private moment. Once Marlene is inside, I recast all the wards on the cottage. The war has impacted my daily life more than I'd thought it would. It's a surprise Marlene and I could go outside at all.

"Looks like the two of you have made up," I note.

"Well yeah, it turns out he's not as much of an immature git as I had originally thought."

"And he says you haven't changed him," I snort.

"I haven't! And he hasn't changed me!"

"Of course he has, that's what happens in a relationship. You round each other out. I heard what he called you, _Marley_," I say.

"Oh shut up."

"I haven't heard him call you that since you first started going out."

"We drifted apart for a while and then we got closer. I guess I started to trust him a lot more. Anyway, enough about me and Sirius, where is your useless husband?" Marlene asks.

"You called," James appears in the kitchen doorway, he swings himself forward, his body pushing through the doorframe, his muscles flexing as he does so.

"I'll leave you two a moment, I'm going to find Sirius before he ends up hurting either himself or somebody else," Marlene scurries off out of the room, giving me a wink as she disappears through the door, James steps out of the way to allow her to pass.

James walks toward me once she's gone.

"How is my lovely wife?" he asks, his hands on my waist, his lips brushing my cheek.

"Mhm," I say by way of response, kissing his lips softly.

"How do you like the cottage?" he asks, drawing away slowly whilst tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear.

"It's stunning; I adore it and the garden… It's wonderful, James."

"I'm glad you like it."

"Molly sends her regards," I add.

"Ah, and how is the Weasley brood?"

"They're good. I finally met the twins who are adorable, by the way. Three months I think Molly said."

"Wow, how many children so far?"

"Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred and George… five."

"I'm happy you can count," he smirks. I hit him on the arm.

"You're horrible to me."

"I know, but you love me anyway."

"Yeah, I do."

"You know, it occurred to me just the other day that I never proposed to you. We just talked about setting a date and voila, we were married."

"We have a habit of not really talking about these things, don't we?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, but we usually just rush straight into things and think about them later."

"I don't think that's true, we talk plenty."

"Yes, we talk perhaps too much but never about the big things."

"What are the big things?"

"Futures, families, relatives, pasts –"

"I've long since given up trying to talk to you about my past and dating history because you are so repulsed by it and uncomfortable with it and as for relatives, 'relations are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die'." **(This is an Oscar Wilde quote from the Importance of Being Earnest.)**

"I am _not_ repulsed by your dating history and don't think you can get around talking about relatives by using an Oscar Wilde quote!"

"It seems to work perfectly for you!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Face it Lily, you hate talking about Severus, Petunia, Vernon, your parents… How am I supposed to be completely honest with you if you don't tell me anything about what really matters or mattered to you? And don't deny it, you hate talking about my ex-girlfriends."

"And why do you think that is? I hate talking about it because it's _painful_ and it hurts. I know well enough that I screwed everything up for my family and for Severus, don't think I don't blame myself. I hate myself and I have to live with the fact that it's my fault so many people are hurting and I don't need to be reminded of it! You think I need to talk about everything, but I don't. I'm trying to handle it and handle it on top of everything else and I really don't need this from you right now."

"You think it's just you? Everybody –"

"Please, James, don't you think I know it's not just me? Why else would I join the Order? Besides, if being with me is as stressful and infuriating as you make it sound, why don't you just leave?"

"I can't, Marriage Law, remember?" he scowls and I feel my heart break a little. Is this seriously happening right now? Would he really let me go? Does he not love me anymore?

"Merlin damn the Marriage Law! Look, I'll stay over at Marlene's –"

"No," he says urgently, "We're going to sit down and sort this out," James says, snatching my hand and pulling me into the living room.

I yank my hand out of his grasp immediately and I sit down on the sofa furthest away from him. Merlin, we'd just started to get a long and we were being all romantic and I was happy and then, as always, something ruins it. I could kick myself, if I only I weren't so petty about these things.

"I'll go first," James says clearing his throat, "Snivellus."

"What about him?"

"Why? Why did you put up with him, become friends?"

"Well," I sigh, "you remember how I lived in Cokeworth, a few minutes away from Spinner's End, right? Well the only friend I'd ever had was Tuney and whilst she was a good sister and a good friend, I'd never been friends with anyone else. I was about eight years old, perhaps nine when Tuney and I were at the park. We went to the park every day. Anyway, we were swinging on the swings and I was going really high because I wanted to see if I could touch the clouds. I really wanted to be able to fly that day, I can't exactly remember why, maybe it had been because some boy in my class had been picking on Tuney and when I stepped in to tell him to go away or whatever it is nine year olds said to bullies, he'd spat in my face. Anyway, so I jumped off the swing, as I usually did, and didn't hit the ground like Tuney would have if she'd tried, but glided. I loved doing it, because it was like flying and being free from all the anxieties that nine year olds suffer from.

"Tuney told me off, naturally, reminding me of what my mother had said about swinging and jumping too high but I remember not really caring. I then showed Tuney how I could manipulate the petals of a flower. Tuney had always found it very weird and unnatural so I tried to stop the magic as much as I could. Anyway, on this particular day, Severus was watching in the trees. Tuney wasn't all that fond of him because he lived in Spinner's End which is quite a rough borough with a lot of poverty. Tuney said what I was doing was freakish but Severus came out from where he was hiding and told me I wasn't a freak, I was a witch and I was better off without my Muggle of a sister. Tuney was quite upset, I think, that I wanted to listen to what he had to say though at first I was offended by him calling me a witch. Tuney was mean to Severus and as a nine year old, I had very set ideas about right and wrong. He explained to me that he wasn't being mean by calling me a witch but that he meant I had magical powers which is why I could do all those things.

"Tuney made fun of Severus' background and his clothes. I remember him being unwashed and quite dishevelled and that he wore ill-fitting clothes that, as I've heard quite a few people say, were so mismatched that it looked deliberate. It wasn't his fault. His parents were always fighting and his dad, who was a Muggle, was violent and abusive. He was very close to his mother, I know that much. Nevertheless, his parents neglected him and that was why he always looked tatterdemalion.

"At first, I felt sorry for him and I was fascinated by the Wizarding World and wanted to know more about it but then we developed a friendship. We bonded very quickly, I remember. I finally felt as if I'd found someone who understood me and knew about the odd things that kept happening to me. He introduced me to magic and told me all about Hogwarts. I was captivated and we became best friends.

"All sorts of things happened thereafter. When I got my Hogwarts letter, Tuney was jealous and she wrote to Albus asking him if she could go to. He was very kind about his response. Tuney found out that I'd read the letter which just made her more furious, that was when we drifted apart completely. So now you know why Petunia and I aren't close.

"When we were on the Hogwarts Express, I met you for the first time and my first thought of you was that you were a complete and utter idiot. Then I was sorted into Gryffindor and that put quite a lot of strain on mine and Severus' relationship. My friends hated him but I made excuses for him, I defended him and I knew he did the same for me. Marlene and Alice said that the gang he was in, led by Malfoy and Bellatrix were performing the Dark Arts and hexing people, specifically Mudbloods. I refused to believe it, it didn't sound like my Sev at all. He used to stand up for me a lot even though I thought I could stand up for myself perfectly fine on my own. Then his friends started to hex some of my friends like Mary Mcdonald. I was suspicious, I started to question him but he was always obsessing over _you_ and the Marauders. He had this crazy idea that I fancied you. I told him it was nonsense, though," I say, seeing James' face,

"He felt like he had to compete with you and I didn't like how he talked about Remus. At the time, I couldn't care less about you, by the way. Anyway, he asked me to Slughorn's party and I was so excited. Then he kissed me… I don't know what I was thinking, going with him. If I'd ever felt anything more than friendship with him, then that was all gone. You and Padfoot crashed the party and I shouted in his face. That was hard to go back on, it was awkward for a while but we slid back into our friendship yet I was wary. He always had that look like he wanted to kiss me as he had done at the party and I found it uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't ready for anything like that which was true, I wasn't ready for any kind of relationship but what he didn't know was that I would _never_ be ready for a relationship with him.

"He was wickedly good at the Dark Arts but he rarely talked to me about it. He spent more time with his Slytherin friends than with me and sometimes I'd overhear him making plans with other Slytherin students to hex Mudbloods. Still, I thought he could change, thought he _would_ change but I was wrong. I knew what he did and Merlin knows I'm an awful person for saying it, but I wanted to believe that what he was doing was right. I wanted to support him, like a good friend would. But how do you support your best friend when what they're doing is so distinctively wrong? Besides, I still cared about him. I still do and it's not fair that he should have had to choose between what he believes in and me. I shouldn't have had to choose either but a choice had to be made.

"I was friendly with him and we both kept up our friendship, even if it was forced at times. Then _it_ happened. You were taunting Sev and cursing him… I was at the lake and Marlene pointed to where you were with the other Marauders and I saw Sev's body being chucked around like a rag doll – I was absolutely _furious_. I stormed over there without a second thought and yelled at you. Merlin, it feels like only yesterday…"

"_LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I shout, pulling out my own wand._

_ "Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James says._

"_Take the curse off him then!" I demand, pure anger rising up in my veins. They'd crossed the line this time. James takes off the curse and Sev collapses. I hope he's okay._

_ "There you go," he says to Sev, "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus –"_

"_I don't need help from filthy Mudbloods like her!"_

"Lily?" James' voice snaps me out of my reverie with a sharp jolt. I look at his face and I know he was remembering the same thing.

"Sorry. He called me a Mudblood and that was that. I knew he'd changed. He tried to apologise and maybe I should have forgiven him but I just couldn't. I distracted myself, convinced myself, even, that a life without him would be better. I was miserable and then, then I started to like you. Even though you drove me up the wall that summer, waking me up at six every day and teasing me relentlessly, I really started to like you.

"From that very first kiss, I felt something but I wasn't sure what it was. You made everything more bearable but because Sev hated you, I felt like I as being a bitch by liking you so I tried to hate you instead because it was easier. Pushing you away, that hurt me almost as much as Sev pushing _me_ away. I can only imagine what it was like from your end.

"Then you started to hate me back, or pretend to," I say hastily, watching his expression, "we weren't flirtatious anymore, we were insulting each other and it was tearing our friends apart –"

"Don't you know what it was like for me?" he asks, cutting me off, "let me just say that in that time, I was being selfish. I thought that if you wouldn't love me, then life wasn't worth living so I made myself worse and you hated me for it. I hated myself for it, too. I know I've said it before but I mean it, I forgive you for everything and I love you Lily, no matter what."

"I forgive you too, I already had and you know I love you. I've told you why I became friends with Severus and you know the rest, the torturing thing but something I never told you was how _jealous_ I was of your girlfriends. I'm not disgusted by them, I just don't like being jealous because it feels petty. I promised I'd go over to Alice's with Mar, I'll talk to you later?"

"Of course," he says, a little dazed.

"I love you," I say.

"I love you too."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

Wow. Lily just told me her life story basically and she admitted that she was jealous. I'd heard it from others, like Molly for example,, but to hear her openly admit it is something else.

I love her, I know I do, and I will never stop loving her.


	42. An Interesting Battle and Making Amends

**A/N:**** Hi! I won't bother with the pathetic excuses I make every time I'm late updating. How about, Umbridge broke into my house and made it explode whilst she was looking for the D.A., thus destroying my laptop in the process? Sorry, I suppose.**

**Anyway, the support I am receiving makes me so incredibly happy! 47 reviews, 40 favourites and 63 followers is ineffable. Not to mention the views. Siriusly (did you see what I did there?), I couldn't ask for anymore.**

**I do not own the Harry Potter franchise and no copyright infringement is intended, all rights reserved to the one and only J K Rowling.**

**I apologise for the swearing.**

**Please enjoy and have a wonderfully interesting day!**

* * *

1ST AUGUST 1978

ABOUT NOON

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

"PRONGS!" Moony yells, at the top of his lungs.

Padfoot and I snigger from our hiding spot, under the table. Wormtail has to stuff his hand in his mouth to stop himself from giving us away.

"PADFOOT! WORMTAIL! This is _not_ funny! When I say you need to clean up once in a while and not leave it to me to do all the cleaning, I don't mean flooding the house with bright pink bubbles!"

I can hear Moony's footsteps outside the dining room, he's almost in position. I look at Padfoot and he nods. I cast a quick non-verbal spell and we hear a screech. I'd just set a bucket of pink bubbles and green liquid down on Moony's head. Moony bursts into the room and snatches up the table cloth, looking at us with a face of pure rage. It's quite hard to take him seriously with the pink bubbles turning his hair practically florescent.

"You are _so_ dead," he breathes as we all scramble out from the dining room and dash up the stairs, Wormtail clambering after, tripping on the bucket on the stairs and unleashing charmed sponges into the air. Padfoot, Wormtail and I had spent hours meticulously planning our attack.

The sponges ooze this weird kind of yellow, lemon-scented liquid as they fly about our heads, knocking things off the wall.

"Now you've done it, Wormtail," Padfoot says, grinning.

"Why's it my fault?" Wormtail protests before getting a bucket full of dirty water in his face. He looks around; Moony's standing there with a half empty bucket of water, a roguish grin on his face.

Wormtail unleashes the mops, making them chase Moony up the stairs. Then we have a duel with cleaning products on the landing.

"Take that Padfoot!" Moony yells as a sponge smacks Padfoot in the face.

"Oh yeah?" Padfoot retorts, shoving a sponge in Moony's face, "suck on that!"

"Prongs!" Wormtail yells, and throws me an enchanted mop. I catch it and then do a quick charm and Moony stumbles, not before sending a bucket of soapy water my way, though. I duck and it hits the wall behind me.

"Nice one Prongs!" Padfoot says, and then gets a mop in his face.

Then Moony freezes, his ears pricking up, his werewolf super senses kicking in.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Lily," he says, panicked, "she's coming up the road."

"Shit!" Padfoot exclaims, "Prongs she'll murder us. She'll cut off our toenails and burn us in Fiendfyre. She'll slice off our limbs and use our blood to feed flobberworms who will then attack us and eat us! She'll roast us on a spike and give our entrails to a Hyppogriff. She'll –"

"Okay, okay, shut up, will you?" I say, running my hand through my hair. This is bad; this is very, very bad.

"We'll just tidy the place up!" Wormtail says, grabbing a few mutinous mops by the handles and wrestling to keep them in place.

"Are you mad, Wormtail?" Padfoot says, disbelievingly looking at the mess we've created.

The lights and pots are smashed, green and yellow gunge coats the stairs and walls, the new stair carpet stained and Lily's favourite crockery set that once belonged to her mother, reduced to shards.

"I'm not trying to make this any more stressful than it already is, but Lily's about to take down the wards and come in –" Moony begins.

I dash down the stairs at top speed, "CLEAN - FAST! I'll delay her as much as I can!"

I open the door, quickly muttering spells in hopes to conceal the chaos behind me. Lily looks up as I come out of the cottage and shut the door behind me. The midday sun frames her beautifully. She's dressed in her favourite jeans and her Beatles T-Shirt, which is a Muggle band, I think. She looks at me with confusion but then with the sort of soft, endearing smile she reserves only for me. I smile back.

"Hey, what's going on –?" she starts but I interrupt her with a kiss.

She looks surprised at first but then puts her arms around me. We must have been kissing for quite a long time because when she pulls away, she's slightly breathless.

"Wow, right I started on the landing and on the stairs but the kitchen and living room still need brushing up, did you manage to get any cleaning done?"

"Yes, I suppose you could say we did," there's a large crash inside the cottage followed by someone yelling 'WORMTAIL!'

"What was that?" Lily asks, frantic as she reaches past me and unlocks the door with her wand.

Moony jumps in her way, "Hi Lily, are you alright? How's Alice?"

Lily looks first at his red face and then at his hair, still tinged with bright colours. He looks like he's been at a Muggle club.

"Never mind Alice, what's up with _you_?" Lily asks, reaching her hand up to Moony's hair, her hand coming away coated in pink, yellow and green. She sniffs her hand.

"Is that," she sniffs again, "_lemon_?"

"Yeah…"

"Why have you got washing-up liquid, detergent, hand wash and floor scrub in your hair?" Lily crosses her arms, looking half incredulous, half amused.

"Well, that's an interesting story actually, Lily. Why don't we get a coffee and I'll tell you about it?" Moony suggests, pulling Lily's arm away from the door. Lily looks confused.

"Sorry, Remus, I just got a message from Aberforth. We're to meet just outside London in," she peers at my watch, "about twenty minutes. We've been tipped off about a Muggle attack, Dumbledore wants a few of us to be just outside as back-up in case the others get swamped."

"Fuck, we'd better get Padfoot and Wormtail ready –" I say but then Lily opens the door. _Shit, shit, shit._

"Oh my word… how did you get it so _tidy_?" she asks, in wonder.

"Wow," I say, stunned as I look at the immaculate cottage before me. Lily's crockery set is fixed and the carpets are clean.

"Alright, Lily-flower?" Padfoot asks, entering the hall way holding a bucket full of cleaning stuff in his arms.

"Are you alright?" she asks, astounded, "you never tidy or clean. What in Merlin's name happened?"

"Oh you know, when you have the right amount of motivation and stress, you get things done," he grins and winks at me.

As Lily walks into the kitchen, chatting away to Remus, I spot Wormtail coming out from the cupboard under the stairs. Inside the cupboard are all the cleaning products that were animated, still moving around. I cast a quick spell to stagnate them. Phew, that was close.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

ALICE'S HOUSE

EARLIER THAT DAY

* * *

"She'd better open the bloody door," Mar mutters as I ring the bell for the fifth time in twenty minutes.

"She will," I say, not very convinced.

"ALICE!" Mar yells, walking to the side of the house until she's directly underneath Alice's bedroom window, "ALICE! I'm not bloody leaving until you open the bloody door!"

Alice opens the window, "fuck off."

"Alice!" she shouts again, "if you don't open this door, I will raise the dead with my screaming and your neighbours will go deaf, and you'll go mad with my shrieks. ALICE! Stop being so moody and shallow and open that damn door! You're normally so bellicose and you haven't fought any Death Eaters in _ages_. Come on, fucking pull yourself together and actually consider what the hell you're doing. Remus is worried sick, Lily and I have been driven to the point of insanity with anxiety, Wormtail's got insomnia over you and we all fucking miss you!"

"Could you swear anymore?" I ask her.

"Yes, Alice you're being a bitchy pessimist and I hate it. I don't know what's up with you and it's probably my fault, because it always fucking is, isn't it? I've had people tell me I'm a self-pitying, selfish bitch and all that bullshit and guess what? I probably fucking am. But I don't give a shit. I love you and you're near and dear to my heart but if you've got a problem with me, you need to bloody tell me because I'm not a fucking mind reader."

"Okay, here it is," Alice says, "you're a bad friend. You don't support me when I need it –"

"Bullshit!" Mar protests, "Absolute bullshit. You're the one being so secretive and keeping everything to yourself! You can't wallow in misery and never tell me what's wrong and blame me for being a bad friend. I'm not the most amazing friend, sure, but if I'm a bad friend, then you're a bad fucking person which is a hell of a lot worse."

"So now it's my fault! Always had to be the perfect one, didn't you Mar?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"That maybe I'm sick of being cast aside when you meet a boy, maybe I feel like I'm being replaced once too often. Maybe I'm tired of being the less attractive one and that when a guy comes along and sees the two of us together, standing side by side, he always picks you, every time. Maybe I'm sick of that. I hate feeling so inadequate, you make me look like less of a human being and you're a reminder that I will never be good enough. My parents always thought you were wonderful, our teachers thought you were amazing, guys worship the ground you walk on, Dumbledore thinks you're incredible and Sirius is head-over-heels in love with you. What have I got? A failed relationship, some shitty grades and a scholarship to work at the Ministry. What good is that? The Ministry can't support me anymore than they can support this country. We're fucking doomed. And if we succeed? It's people like you they'll remember as heroes. The ones pushy enough to be on the front lines, not the strategic ones like me. Not the dull ones who are afraid."

"Bullshit," I say, as Mar remains silent, her face set, "that's guilt and shame talking. Don't let anybody, ever, whoever they might be, not even yourself tell you that you are anything less than a person. Don't let anybody make you feel inferior and never think for one moment that you're not incredibly special and beautiful and talented because you are, Alice Smith. More than you know. Marlene and I, we'd be lost without you. You hold us together, you're the one with all the plans, the realistic one, the funny one, and you're everything a person could be. We love you for what you are, who cares if guys don't worship you? Who cares if you're not the next Merlin? Who cares if you're not reckless? I don't, Marlene doesn't and you shouldn't care either. You're phenomenal and anybody who's more is not a person – they're fictional."

"Shit Lily, I hate you. Now I have no reason to be annoyed, do I?"

"No," Mar says, finally speaking, "and don't idolise me like that. I'm an idiot really. Why do you think Sirius and I are so compatible? We're both ignorant in some ways and I'm sorry, Alice. I didn't know how you felt. Can you forgive me?"

"Only if you forgive me first."

"No, only if you forgive _me_ first."

"No, you first."

"No, you _first_."

"You first."

"You first."

"SHUT UP!" I yell, "You're both forgiven, now let's go."

"Go where?" Alice asks, jumping down from her window, using magic to soften the fall.

Suddenly, a _Patronus_ I recognise as a goat - Aberforth's- appears.

"We have been warned of an attack on Muggles in the London area. You are required to wait outside designated parts of London in case our Aurors are in need of assistance. Please rally as many Order members as possible. Be in your positions shown to you at the past meeting in thirty minutes. I hope you live long enough to report back to us."

"We better grab the Marauders and leave right away," Mar says.

"Finally," Alice breathes, "a proper fight. I've been waiting for one for _weeks_ practically."

"I'm pretty sure it hasn't been that long," I frown.

"To me it has, it feels like an age since I fought beside my friends."


	43. Hail and Farewell

**A/N: Hello... so it's been a while. Just to say, thank you for bearing with me, the support is phenomenal. **

**Also, I do not own Harry Potter, no copyright infringement is intended and all rights go to J K Rowling who has announced the new play: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child- the untold story of Harry Potter! Who else is excited? I'm very excited.**

**(x NerdyGirl x you didn't skip part of the story, their death just wasn't centralised in the plot. His parents died (I don't know if they did or not, I've just made it up, but they definitely died before James and Lily were 20-something) in the time between their graduation from Hogwarts and Narcissa's wedding. There isn't really a reason for this except that I don't think I had it in me to write about the death of another person's parents – it's emotionally exhausting and I'm still an amateur. I don't know how J K managed when she was writing HP, I would have been such an emotional wreck that I wouldn't be able to continue. Sorry about my lack of organisational skills.)**

**Just a warning, this is such a lachrymose chapter, I don't really know what I was thinking... Anyway, next chapter will be Christmas! Then we can move on to the next year, I'm really trying to pick up the pace now.**

**Enjoy and I hope you had or are having a lovely day! **

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

AUGUST 22ND

* * *

The door clicks shut and Lily comes in. She doesn't know I'm back yet, I'm not scheduled to return from patrols for another two hours or so. I decided to surprise her; we've been so stressed recently, running around after Death Eaters, defying the Dark Lord, you know normal stuff warriors do in the middle of a war. Anyway, I'm hoping we'll finally have some time to ourselves – just to talk, relax, the general things that married couples do. I wait, hidden under my invisibility cloak, in the kitchen doorway. Lily was at the Weasley's for Percy's birthday celebration. I'm pretty sure Lily said he was turning two years old today.

The door swings open and Lily yanks off her coat and kicks off her shoes. She throws her shoes rather aggressively into the cupboard under the stairs and uses her wand to hang up her coat on the pegs. She then tugs the grips from her hair and throws it up into a bun before storming into the kitchen, I just about get out of the way in time. She turns on the kettle with a flick of her wand and (if this is possible) eats a biscuit rather violently whilst looking out on the garden.

I wonder what happened – she is clearly angry, but over what? I'm about to ask, but then I remember that I'm invisible. Lily drinks her tea and I stand there awkwardly. Lily makes an agitated noise and then throws the mug on the floor, causing it to smash into tiny pieces. Yes, she's definitely angry.

After watching this, I think I should just reveal myself. I take off my cloak; Lily looks my way but doesn't seem too shocked. She has angry tears in her eyes.

"What are you doing back?" she asks her voice irresolute.

"That's it? No surprise, no 'I'm so happy to see you, I love you'? You break my heart. I can just go if you want."

"I'm really not in the mood, James," she says, turning to look through the window. I can see the physical strain she's putting on her body to keep composure.

"Aw, come on, Lily-flower, humour me."

"Fine, I'm so happy you're here," she says, without enthusiasm.

"That's pitiful, even for you."

"Are you calling me pitiful?"

"No, no," I say, she turns away, a few tears fall down her cheeks.

I put my arms around her, taking her hands in mine; I turn her around so she's facing me. It occurs to me that she probably wouldn't let anybody else close to her whilst she's like this – it makes me feel weirdly privileged.

"Lily?" I try to read something, anything, but she averts her gaze. "Shall I tell you a funny story?"

"Sure, why not?" she says, wearily.

"Well, firstly, the Patrols were so boring, I would rather sit through eighty of Professor Binn's lessons than do that again," Lily's mouth quirks upwards as if to smile, but she doesn't. I take this as a sign of encouragement. "Anyway, so Padfoot, Wormtail and I were patrolling the less expensive parts of London and we came across this collection of rubbish bins which weren't even that big. Wormtail was trying to find the nearest Floo Network and Padfoot was pratting around. Then, we hear a loud rustling and clattering inside one of the bins. So Padfoot, being the dumbass that he is, thought there were a load of Death Eaters in the bin so called back up, like we'd made an oath to do if we ever came across Death Eaters on Patrols. So Moony arrives with a few Aurors with him and they go to check the bins. Of course there were no Death Eaters, instead there was a family of _hedgehogs_ living in that bin."

Lily splutters, genuinely smiling this time, "hedgehogs?"

"Yeah, hedgehogs. Moony was beside himself. Padfoot was sent home early and told he wasn't allowed on Patrols ever again. I mean, seriously, a family of hedgehogs."

"Well that's Padfoot," Lily says, smiling.

"So what's got you so down?"

"Nothing," she says.

"Really?"

"Well no, something but it doesn't matter now does it? It's in the past."

"Do I need to hex anyone?"

"Already taken care of," Lily says, looking up at me in that way she does – I can't really explain it.

She might not tell me everything all at once – and that's okay. She'll tell me when she's ready to tell me. That's what relationships (or at least healthy ones) are about; they're being comfortable and secure and doing things at a pace that feel right for the both of you. These are my favourite moments, I think, when it's just me and Lily. Nobody has to say anything; we can just sit or stand together for hours on end in the tranquillity and equilibrium that is each other's company. There's something about her presence which makes me feel so complete and whole that I don't feel the need to question certainty or prove the unknown. It's at times like this when I realise just how much I love her and just how strong and unexpected that love is.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

EARLIER THAT DAY

* * *

Percy's birthday party has just finished and I'm walking home. Well, I left the party early but Molly just thinks I'm tired, which I am but it's more than that. I feel like everything's building up on top of me and I can't bloody hold it all in. I'm just so upset and _annoyed_ and I don't know what to do.

I just don't want to be seen as one of those girls who's always crying and has got some issue or other to deal with. I don't want people to pity me but I do need support, is that possible?

"Why did you run off like that? Everybody's been asking after you!" Alice says, as she catches up with me down the road.

"Lily?" Alice asks, taking my arm and dragging me back as I try to walk away.

"What? There's nothing really to say. Am I supposed to just _accept_ what people are saying about me? You heard Emmeline Vance, talking about my parents and Severus and then she goes on about me not having a child! I'll have a baby when James and I are ready and not before."

"Lily," Alice exhales, putting her hand on my shoulder; I shrug it off and move away.

"I'm not saying never, but just not yet. Not now."

"Lily, I get it. Molly gets it. And you really shouldn't care what Emmeline says – she was drunk anyway and even if –"

"It's not just the baby thing, Al. I feel like everyone's watching me and my life choices and scrutinising them all. I'm untrustworthy because I had a best friend who was a Death Eater, I'm a liability because I've been tortured, I'm a weight and a burden because I'm a Muggle-Born and will attract unwanted attention, I'm likely to be unfocused because I lost my parents at a young age… I had little choice in most of those and I don't like it when people try to tell me how to live."

"Lily, nobody's judging you. Even if they were, the Lily Evans Potter I know wouldn't care. She'd shrug it off because nobody can make her feel inferior without her consent and she won't back down or be belittled because she _is_ strong."

"Well maybe I can't be that Lily anymore."

"Why not? Why can't you be brave?"

"Because I'm not much of an actress – I can't pretend to be brave. It's too much, Al."

"Lily you have people relying on you. When you're in a war, sure it's hard and it pushes you to the breaking point but you can't fall apart. If you can't stay strong for yourself, then do it for James."

"James? I haven't seen him in weeks."

"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

"I feel so alone, Al. When he's not with me, I feel like I've lost a piece of me."

"That's pitiful, Lily. Snap out of it! James can't come here, rushing to your side like a knight in shining armour every time you feel sad or down. Besides, this is tough on James as well. It's not fair to make him carry all this weight on his own."

"Yeah I know. Alice, what the hell is wrong with me?"

"I have no idea. Maybe you just miss him."

"Maybe," I murmur, I can already feel tears building up. Christ, I'm messed up.

"When's he due home?"

"Soon," I say, glancing at my watch, "very soon."

Alice looks at her own watch and grimaces, "Lil, I really need to go now, I'm expected for Patrols in ten minutes. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, James will be back soon anyway," I say.

As soon as Alice walks, or rather speed walks back the way we came, I Apparate to the only place (or perhaps the second place) I think I'll be able to clear my head.

* * *

I open my eyes, and as I expected, I'm at the park in Cokeworth, just a few minutes away from my old home. I walk in the general direction of the cemetery where the local Church laid stones in honour of my parents. The anniversary of my parents deaths was a few weeks ago, but I didn't have the time or the energy to come here. I feel like I owe it to them and to myself to be here now. I have to be here.

Secretly, I come here a lot. Just to sit and watch the world the go by but usually to feel closer to my parents. Obviously they're gone, but if I close my eyes, imagine and really concentrate, I can almost convince myself that they're still here. The most horrible moments are when I wake up, thinking that they're still here and then it comes crashing down like a tonne of bricks – the realisation that they're not here anymore and they never will be.

I close my eyes as I walk, reliving my memories, my emotions and my thoughts on that day when I found out. The day James and I had out real first kiss and not because of some silly dare. The day we discovered we both loved Oscar Wilde. _James_.

I must remember that my family is not dead, my parents are and my sister has walked out of my life, but I have a new family – I have James, Marlene, Alice and the Marauders. I have Molly, I have the Weasleys.

I open my eyes and find myself sitting beside the stones, with their names engraved. As usual, I lay down some petunias and some lilies – those being my mum's favourite flowers. What I'm surprised by is the fact that someone has laid asphodels by the stones, but who?

I feel a presence behind me and I turn around. Severus. After all this time, we meet here.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, somewhat coldly.

"Anyone's allowed in a graveyard," he sneers.

I turn my back on him but keep a close eye on what he's doing using a charm I learnt a few years ago. He walks around the stones so he faces me, in his hands are a posy of asphodels. So it was him.

"I'm –" he begins.

"Save it, Severus. I don't want to hear it. I just want to be left alone."

"Lily," he says, his face softens with concern as he leans against one of the stones, my eyes level with his chin.

"Stop it, please. It's – it's hard enough but – with you… I just can't, I'm sorry."

I get up to leave but he grabs my wrist, as he does so, his sleeve rolls up, revealing his Dark Mark. I recoil.

"So it is true," I say, my voice shaking. Severus releases my wrist and pulls his sleeve back down, exaggerating the movement.

"As you put it," he says, "you've chosen your way, and I've chosen mine."

I scowl at him and walk away, back toward the park. I must have taken about five steps before I felt his presence beside me. Whatever gave him the idea he could walk with me? Like he used to.

"I know you think I don't care anymore –" he says.

"You don't," I reply shortly, dodging a fallen branch.

"You see? You always do this. Everything's always so hard for you and you never consider how any of the things you've said and done have affected others, primarily me."

"Oh don't give me that. I'm sure you're perfectly content with all your dark magic and your Death Eater friends –"

He glowers at me with a look so icy, it almost makes me want to leave the issue be. But he will not force me into submission. I've stayed silent too long.

"And I suppose your life is so difficult…" he drawls, "How is your blood-traitor husband?"

"His name is James and he's fine."

"You know, Lily, the Dark Lord is still willing to forgive the little incident a few weeks prior… perhaps you would be so gracious as to reconsider," he says, picking the petals off of the asphodel he's holding.

"You know I'll never stand by him, not now not ever."

"Pity," he says, letting the now petal-less flower be carried off by the wind, "I would have loved to see the look on that conceited bastard's face –"

I whip my wand out and hold it to his throat. We stand still, a wall of hatred and built up discrepancy between us.

"Say that again, and I swear –"

"What? You'll kill me?" he says, smirking as he pushes my wand away from his throat and carries on walking.

"You never had the strength, the will, to do harm to anyone or anything. That's your flaw, Lily."

"And your flaw is that you're a bit too willing to harm things and people."

"Virtues and vices, Lily, virtues and vices."

"When did you get philosophical?"

"I've always been this way, Lily. You should know me better."

"I don't know you at all anymore."

"Is that so?" he asks, raising his wand. I instantly block his _Crucio_. He grins, "See? You knew I was going to do that."

"That's different."

"It is in no way different. I think you'll find, Lily, no matter how much people change on the outside, the choices they make, the things they do, they will always be the same underneath. There is no escaping that. You know me, Lily, as I know you. Merlin knows I've made mistakes, as have you, but can't you see? I am still the same underneath, my soul is the same."

"Severus," I say, my voice shaking, "our choices define who we are. Underneath, in our souls, we are all the same, equal. It's our choices that make us different and define us."

"Bullshit, Lily. Nothing defines you, or it shouldn't. Don't you see? This is why I'm with them. I am no longer contained by definitions. It's the dawn of a new age, Lily – an age in which we cannot be touched by the restrictions, the boundaries, the laws that confine mortals. We can explore the magic which has been concealed from us. I will never die, I am a greater being. In some ways, I am invincible."

"That's a fairytale, Severus. You know as much about this as I do. There are certain ways to become immortal but… think about it Severus. There's a reason that magic is forbidden. Anyway, you think I don't know what else your precious Dark Lord wants? You're a fool to think this doesn't come at a price."

"I am no fool," he says, his eyes empty of warmth or familiarity.

"Then you must know that he wants to eradicate my kind. He wants to conquer wizarding Great Britain, he wants to a totalitarian country. Christ, Severus, he wants a global dictatorship in which all Muggles bow down to the Wizarding World."

"I know, Lily, I know. But sometimes you need to accept the good with the bad."

"That's it?" I say, incredulous.

"What more do you want me to say, Lily? If you want me to comfort you and say that I love you and I'll never leave you, then too fucking bad. You should have tried harder when we were thirteen."

"Severus, wait," I say as he starts to walk away, back to Spinner's End.

"It's over Lily. Go back to your blood-traitor bastard if you're looking for comfort and safety!" he yells.

"I don't need comfort and safety! God dammit, Severus, can't you see that I'm just trying to protect you and stop you from doing more stupid things?"

"This is too little, too late, Lily. Once you're sucked in, you never come out."

"Why did you even come here today? And lay the asphodels on my parents' graves?"

"You're the one with a NEWT in Potions," he says cryptically, "I'm sorry Lily. I've moved on and now I know where you stand, well it's clear. Goodbye and good luck… you'll need it."

"You'll need it more than me," I whisper, as he disappears.

* * *

I'm vaguely aware of Disapparating from Cokeworth and then appearing again in Godric's Hollow. I don't think I can stand much more of this. I was having a rough enough day already and then _he_ has to show up and make everything more complicated and worse. I take down the wards and unlock the door. I need a cup of tea, that's for damn certain. I need a hundred cups of tea but most of all, I need James. No, I need to pull myself together. It's not as if one of the major parts of my childhood just came back to haunt me.

I shouldn't care about him anymore. I should just let him go. I thought I had. I really thought I'd forgiven him completely and was ready to move on but I'm not. It's still painful. He hates me and all those of my blood and he's deluded, I should just forget all about him. Pretend he was never my friend. But he was, and I still care. But he no longer does.

I feel that, despite what he says, the boy who was my best friend, my brother, is dead. He may come back from time to time, a reflection, a ghost, but for the most part, he is gone. And I mourn for him.

Why did he have to join the Dark Side?

I feel a wave of angry tears wash over me and as I reach for a tissue in my pocket, I find an asphodel there. What was it asphodels symbolised?

Of course, _regret. _

There are so many things I regret but I cannot let what I haven't done and will never do haunt me. I think it's time to say goodbye, once and for all.

_Que in perpetuum frater ave atque vale._

(_And forever, brother, hail and farewell _\- from a poem by the Roman poet Gaius Valerius Catullus. TMI fans may recognise it.)


	44. A Distorted Mirror and Unexpected Plans

**A/N:**** Hey... Long time no see. So anyway, I do not own anything, the whole HP franchise belongs to J K Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thank you for the overwhelming support!**

**Enjoy and have a wonderful day!**

* * *

23rd AUGUST 1978

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

"I highly doubt the day's events are any of your business," I say tightly.

I am currently sitting inside Malfoy Manor, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. The heat is extremely inconvenient – I don't know why Lily likes it so much.

Narcissa sighs, running her painted emerald nails through her long blonde hair – one of the few things that really annoys me about her is the fact that she plays with her hair so much. Lily doesn't care about her hair or what it looks like, and Lily doesn't paint her nails. Oh Merlin, I really need to stop doing that, comparing other girls to Lily. Lily is a Mudblood and beneath me. The best thing to do is to forget all about her and her kind.

"…even though it's been hard for everybody and perhaps it didn't go as you planned but the whole point of the conversation was – Severus? Severus? _Hello_? Are you even listening to me?"

I snap out of my thoughts to see Narcissa looking at me with cold eyes and a sharp look on her face. There's another thing, where Narcissa is all cold and uptight, Lily is warm and calm. Oh for the love of Merlin, I _really_ need to stop thinking about her.

"Severus? You have that expression on again," she looks at me, half-smiling.

"Which one? I'm a human being, thus capable of showing many expressions," I reply, irritably.

"_That_ one, the one you always have when you're thinking about Lily," she says, looking rather smug when a sigh of my own confirms her thoughts.

Her face softens, or at least it softens as much as Narcissa is able to soften it. If you didn't know her all that well, you wouldn't recognise this slight change at all.

"Severus," she murmurs, holding her hand out to rub my shoulder. I'm sure she thinks the gesture is reassuring and soothing – it's not.

"You know that it's okay to still like her, even the Dark Lord wants to recruit her –"

"Narcissa, I've had enough of people telling me that it's okay. It is not okay. She is a Mudblood and married to a blood-traitor, and she broke my heart. I should be condemning her to eternal torture, not wasting my time deluding myself in a silly infatuation."

"Severus… it's not just a silly infatuation. I know you better than that. Come on, talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about, Narcissa. Now if you'll excuse me, I have more important things to do."

I get up from the sofa in Malfoy Manor where Narcissa and I are sitting. Well, she was sitting, I was sort of perching, feeling awkward. Narcissa grabs my hand and pulls me back down on the sofa.

"No, Severus. You're unhappy, I can see that. Tell me what happened, please."

"What would you know about unhappiness?" I say with asperity, scowling.

"Severus… how could you possibly say that? Of course I know what it's like to be unhappy. I've – I've lost a child, Severus. I want to try for another but what if that fails too? And don't you think I know how disappointed Lucius will be if I can't – if I can't ever… It is more than simple unhappiness, Severus. I understand more than you think I do. You've tried to change, Severus. I don't why you have, but please, find yourself again."

"People don't change, Narcissa. I have always been this way."

"Oh, not you too! Lucius has been quoting me that crap all week! You have changed Severus, I swear you have changed. Remember when we talked at my wedding? Remember what I said. I won't leave you, Severus. Not now, not ever," she says, holding out her pinkie, "I pinkie swear."

I link pinkies with her. Yes, I have changed but there's no going back to the boy Lily used to love. He is lost forever and so is her love for me. But perhaps not all of the person I once was is lost, Narcissa is living proof of that. Where did I go so wrong?

So I decide to tell Narcissa everything.

"Do you think she will forget me?" I ask her after I've finished telling her all of what happened yesterday.

"Forget you? How could she _ever_ forget you?"

"You weren't there, Narcissa. There was something in the way she looked at me, like – like I was dead, Narcissa. Like she was watching me fade away. And the worst part was that I felt it too, I felt dead inside and it was like she wasn't my Lily anymore, but somebody else's. She wasn't my memory, my sanctuary, my best friend. I was looking through a distorted looking glass, just a distant and fractured version of my old life. I'm fading away, Narcissa. And soon, I worry that there will be nothing left of me."

"Don't say that, Severus. You've certainly changed, but you're not gone. Not yet. You're just colder, like marble," she smiles slightly, to show she's joking.

I narrow my eyes at her, though I know she's only teasing.

"Well you would know, wouldn't you? Coldness is an attribute you know well, is it not?"

"Severus…" she says, her tone telling me to be careful.

"What? You said it yourself, you've changed. I'm nowhere near as cold as you."

"Severus, I'm trying to be patient. You might think I'm callous and unfeeling but the truth is that I'm scared of feeling too much. In the world we live in, showing yourself and your true colours is dangerous and people like me, people who care about love and believe in loving everyone, it's hard to accept a new identity with the Dark Side. I am betraying myself by being this way, I am hypocrite and sometimes I wonder how I could ever raise my children to be honest and good when I am a hypocrite and I can't even be true to myself –"

"'_This above all: to thine own self be true / And it must follow, as the night the day, / Thou canst not then be false to any man_.'"

"What's that?" she asks.

"Hamlet."

"What is Hamlet?" she frowns, looking puzzled. I laugh.

"It's a play, by Shakespeare, who was a Muggle, actually."

"Oh yes, I have heard of him, he's pretty smart for a Muggle. You should read this play to me sometime."

"I will."

Narcissa smiles and leans back on the sofa. She looks at me, and then looks away, laughing though not making any sound.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing… It's just funny isn't it?"

"What's funny?" I'm more and more puzzled; I think Narcissa's losing her wits.

"Life," she says.

Yes, I conclude, Narcissa is most likely insane. I think the heat is getting to everybody.

* * *

24TH DECEMBER 1978

POTTER'S COTTAGE

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

We're not planning much this year, it being our first in seven years not at Hogwarts. Merlin, I miss it more than I thought I would.

I've carefully selected Petunia's present – a necklace made of pearls with golden stars engraved into each pearl with a sapphire pendant. I saw her looking at it one day when I was at home for the holidays. It was in a charity shop window and I bought it for about £30.80 – the shopkeeper clearly didn't know its worth and I remember trying to offer him more for it, but he wouldn't let me.

I had kept it in a box and only just found it now – still wrapped up with a green ribbon, it was one of the many my mother used to braid in my hair when I was little. Tuney always had blue ribbons to complement her golden hair. I used to be jealous of her hair. If I bring the ribbon to my nose, I can faintly smell my mother's perfume. It reminds me too much of home, or at least my old home, that I simply can't hold onto it. Besides, I want Petunia to have it. Perhaps she'll hate me less.

I put the box down on mine and James' bed (though we hardly ever sleep together – at least one of us is always away on business for the Order). As I do so, a note drops out, on crisp, yellowing paper. I pick it up gingerly. On the top it says: _Dearest Tuney_.

I open up the letter:

_Dear Tuney,_

_I know you're a bit annoyed with me and I suppose you have every right to be. I know I haven't been the best sister ever recently. I just want you to know that whatever happens, you will always be my sister and I will always love you. Nobody knows me better than you do and nobody else understands me like you can._

_I won't lie, my school has changed me but no amount of magic in the world could stop me loving you. You're my home, Tuney. _

_I know it's all a bit serious so I'll lighten it up a bit! __(This is actually my fifteenth attempt at writing this, you know!)__ Merry Christmas Tuney! You're the best big sister I could ever ask for. I hope you like this, _

_Lots of love,_

_Lily_

_XXX_

I sigh as I put the letter on the bed and my head in my hands. Whatever happened to me and Tuney? What went so wrong? Why did magic, a wonderful and spectacular thing, tear us apart? On another note, why didn't I give this to her that Christmas?

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

As I come up the stairs, I see Lily in our room, reading some letter. She's been going through some of her stuff (the stuff her sister didn't throw out, anyway).

Lily's been having a hard time recently and whilst she never mentions it in front of our friends, she tells me everything. Her encounter with Snivellus a few months back (that greasy-haired tapeworm, I don't care if that doesn't make much sense, he's a disgusting underling), the little things people have said to her, basically everything. I also tell her everything – all of Padfoot's ridiculousness (which makes her laugh, and it makes me laugh too), Wormtail's bad jokes and gossip (he seems to know everything about everyone), Moony's latest conspiracy theories (he has many) and how I'm feeling.

The one thing we don't talk about is babies. I know I want children, and Molly's told me that Lily wants them, so why haven't we talked about it? Moony reckons that the idea of complete abstinence from the battles and war for about nine months is a bit of a set-back for someone like Lily who is very active in the resistance movement. If that's the case, I don't blame her. Patrols might be boring, but they're better than doing absolutely nothing. Padfoot thinks it's because the idea of having sex with me would be enough to put anyone off of the idea of having babies. I hexed him in the face. Wormtail didn't really have an opinion, but he did say that Lily would most likely talk about it when she's ready to talk about it.

Watching Lily's moment of nostalgia is enough for me to get bored – which is saying something. I could literally stand there and watch her for hours (that sounds weird). I knock on the door.

"Lily?" I stand in the door way, hovering.

"Mhm?" she looks up, her eyes slightly red. She wipes them furiously. Lily hates crying.

"I was going to suggest a trip to the local café before the rest of the Marauders come around. I've finally managed to send Padfoot to Marlene's; he was never going to leave otherwise. Marlene and Alice sent a Patronus saying that they'd get here about seven-ish and the Longbottoms will be coming later on."

Padfoot practically lives in our house, which is fine but sometimes I want to be alone with Lily. I don't think life would be the same without Padfoot around every day, though.

Lily gives me a small smile and leans back on her hands.

"What?" I ask, noticing her looking at me.

"Nothing," she says, smiling broadly this time, "I was just thinking how little I tell you how incredibly much I love you."

I sit down on the bed. What is all this about?

"I love you too, Lily."

"I know and you say it all the time but I hardly ever do – at least spontaneously, that is."

She gets up and walks toward the bed before settling herself on my lap, straddling my hips. We haven't been this close in weeks. She leans in and we kiss, our hearts racing, our breaths quickening. I can feel the rush of blood in my veins, for the first time in weeks, I feel _alive_. She pulls away, breathless.

"What if we don't go to that café?" she whispers in my ear, her hands already taking off my shirt.

"That's fine by me."

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

7 PM

* * *

I hear a knocking sound which startles me from sleep. I open my eyes to find myself lying next to James on our bed. I must have fallen asleep at some point… well, obviously. I look up at him and he smiles at me before leaning in to kiss me. Why does he have to look so gorgeous? I soften under his touch and bring my arms around his back, pressing our bodies together.

The knocking sound comes again, this time more impatient. I draw back.

"Somebody's at the door," I say aloud.

"Yeah…" James says lazily, twisting a lock of my hair around his finger.

"Don't you think we should get dressed and answer the door?"

James sighs and clambers out of bed, muttering something about Padfoot's shitty timing as he picks up his shirt and pulls it over his head before searching for his trousers.

I don't bother trying to hunt down my own clothes.

I go into my wardrobe but can't find anything to wear. I grab some jeans and one of James' Gryffindor Quidditch jumpers (he has hundreds) and throw it on top of one my own blue/green jumpers. I cannot be bothered to make an effort today but seeing as we're having a party at our cottage, I suppose I'll have to change later.

The knocking comes again and I rush down the stairs and open the door.

"Lily!" Padfoot exclaims, a Firewisky in one hand, his other hand on Mar's waist.

"Hello Sirius, Marlene. I don't suppose you've seen the others?"

"Nope. We brought lots of Firewisky and Butterbeer!" Marlene says, grabbing the bottle from Sirius and downing it in one gulp.

"Hey! Marley, I wanted that," Sirius pouts.

"Tough luck. 's 'all mine now."

I let the both of them in, aware that they're both slightly tipsy. After a while, Remus, Alice and Wormy arrive and we all sit in the living room, feeling comfortable and festive. James and Padfoot had spent all yesterday out finding a suitable tree. We'd then positioned it in the corner of the room. I'd used my charm work to string up Christmas lights and tinsel everywhere in the cottage. The tree's still not entirely decorated – we were hoping Alice, Remus and Wormtail might be able to help. With our log fire blazing in the hearth, a warm glow lights up the room. We all sit down, cosily. I was going to invite Molly but her and her family had already made plans. Frank and the other Alice are meant to be coming around as well, so is Mary Mcdonald, Emmeline Vance (to my displeasure) and a few other Order members. The actual party is due to start in about half an hour. I should probably change soon.

Wormtail and Alice get up and use their wands to decorate the tree, I sort of help by shooting bursts of gold stars everywhere, lighting candles and protecting the candles with spells so they don't get knocked over. James and Remus are preparing food and drink. Padfoot stays seated beside Marlene, drinking Firewisky.

"So how have you been, Padfoot?" Remus calls from the kitchen where he's helping James get out all the party food I bought yesterday – I did make a few of the cakes but other than that, I didn't really do very much as far as food is concerned.

"Alright. I'd be better if Marley wasn't away so much."

Marlene frowns, "You could come with me but after the… incident –"

Sirius launches forward to put a finger over her mouth.

"Shh!" he says, "We do not speak of the incident."

"I don't suppose you've seen any hedgehogs recently, Padfoot?" I ask innocently, as I transfigure the light on the ceiling into a disco ball.

"We said we wouldn't talk about the incident! And _Prongs_," he whines, suddenly sobering up a bit, and feigning hurt, "I can't believe you told Lily."

"Told her what?" Alice asks, curious as she casts a levitating charm on a pair of angel decorations. James just laughs.

"_Well_," Marlene says, clearing her throat, "James, Peter and this bright spark over here were on Patrols and –"

"I really hate you Marlene," Padfoot scowls, burying his head under a cushion. Marlene grins.

"And they came across a rubbish bin. The bin was rustling and so Sirius thought there was a Death Eater in there. So he calls back up and Remus arrives with a few Aurors. They look in the bin, and guess what was in there? A family of hedgehogs."

Alice bursts out giggling, which is incredibly infectious and soon we're all laughing, with the exception of Sirius who just glares at Marlene.

"So that's why Sirius isn't allowed on Patrols," Alice says, wiping tears from her eyes.

"It isn't funny!" Sirius says, sulkily.

Alice puts on her serious face and maintains it for about ten seconds before spluttering into another fit of hysterical giggles.

"Oh, I'm sorry Sirius. You're right, it's not funny," Alice says, sitting down and putting her arm around him. Sirius pushes her away.

"I hate you all," he says, but whilst smiling.

"I'd better go and change, the Longbottoms are arriving soon," I say, getting up.

"Do you want me to help?" James offers, nonchalantly, wandering from the kitchen.

"Sod off, Potter," I smile –it's been a long time since I've said that.

"You've got yourself a feisty one there, Prongs," Padfoot says, nodding in my direction.

I walk out of the room, shooting Padfoot with a stinging hex for good measure.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Prongs, can you please stop your wife from hexing me?" Padfoot asks, rubbing his arm.

"Sorry, Padfoot, I have no control over what she does. Anyway, you're a grown man –"

"No, he _looks_ like a grown man…" Marlene mutters under her breath but loud enough for everyone to hear. Padfoot punches her playfully.

"You know, I'm feeling very attacked at the minute," Padfoot says.

Marlene leans over and kisses him, the rest of us look away.

I throw myself down on the sofa and amuse myself by drawing the constellations Lily taught me on the ceiling in gold paint. I hear a shuffling in the doorway to the dining room (the wall between the dining room and the living room has been knocked through). I get up and turn around. Lily is standing in the doorway, in the green dress she wore to Slughorn's party (years and years ago, she must have modified it to fit her). I still remember that party very well, her first kiss… She's cast some kind of charm her and Marlene were discussing a few weeks ago on her hair. She looks beautiful. I walk over and kiss her gently, aware of our audience.

"Don't you just love the two of them together?" Alice asks, sighing.

"I never knew you were such a romantic, Al," Lily smirks as she walks away from my embrace and toward our company.

At that moment, the doorbell rings and all of our guests seem to arrive all at once. It feels strange to be having a party in the midst of a war, I know Alice was reluctant to accept time off but Dumbledore insisted. We're up against a dark and powerful force but in the middle of the chaos and the bloodshed that tries to isolate and incite fear into everyone, I know that so long as I have a part of my old life with me, I'm never truly alone.

It's whilst I'm having these deep and profound thoughts when Alice jumps rather urgently and our festive party grinds to a halt. She clambers on top of the table.

"Guys?" she asks and silences the music, her voice vibrating throughout the house. Everybody falls silent. "Guys, I've just received a message from the Longbottoms… There's been a run in just outside Devon –"

"That's not outrageously far from here," Lily says, already slipping on sensible shoes.

There are murmurings among the crowd. Lily grabs her wand, her broomstick and her coat. Alice jumps down from the table and summons her broom.

"Well?" Lily asks, "Who else is coming? Alice, you can lead the way. I'll send a message to Alastor."

The guests begin frantically jostling around and move outside the house. Lily sees me in the corner. She chucks me my broomstick (which hasn't been used in weeks) which I catch with my excellent Quidditch reflexes and we fly together (after Lily has re-cast all the wards, of course).

This is definitely not how I planned to spend Christmas Eve.


	45. Momentary Doubt and an Anniversary

**A/N:  Hello! I know, I'm late... I'm sorry.**

**Thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it! I own nothing, all rights belong to J K Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**Have a wonderful day! Enjoy!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

26TH JULY 1979

POTTER'S COTTAGE

4 AM

* * *

I'm sitting on the sofa downstairs, twisting an asphodel between my fingers, its petals falling to the soft carpet. I sigh and transfigure the asphodel into a rose. A beautiful read rose.

I pick up the stack of papers next to me and flick through them. They contain information on every attack made by the Death Eaters. My job is to go through them all and see if there's a pattern. So far it appears that neighbourhoods and counties that are heavily populated with Muggle-borns are being targeted the most frequently – but that's nothing we didn't already know. The only thing that doesn't make sense is the odd attack somewhere really obscure – like in remote mountains or hillsides where people don't live and yet the Death Eaters' mark was left there… what could that mean?

There's not much the Order can do unless we can work out where exactly the Death Eaters will strike next. We have eyes all over the country but by the time we can get to said place – most of the damage has already been done. We need tip-offs. We need a double-agent.

I put the papers down again. I've already been through them hundreds of times and so have Albus, Aberforth and Minerva. I don't know what makes Albus think I'll find anything new, but he looked at me with so much trust and faith, I couldn't disappoint him. Not like I failed my parents. Two wonderful people, so full of life, gone. And it doesn't matter how much I think of how lucky I am and that some people are so much worse off than me and they're not making a fuss, it still hurts. That's the brutal truth but what's worse is that it's not just me who feels this pain, James does too. Thousands of people up and down the country are feeling this pain because of the actions done by the Death Eaters. I may not yet know how, but it has to stop. The murders, the torture, the whole massacre… but most of all, the pain. The agony I know so many feel – it has to stop.

Death is inevitable but it's not fair that the influence of one person has the power to make so many suffer. These deaths can be prevented, I know it. The question is how. My mind drifts back to the day of my parents' funeral, to Albus. _Love will give me the strength I need when it matters the most._ What in Merlin's name does that even mean? Why does Dumbledore have to be so cryptic?

As I'm not getting anywhere with these files, I let my mind wander back to James. It always does when I least expect it to. James, I love him and right now, in a cottage of our own, on a small blue sofa, that love is enough.

I still remember the day Mr and Mrs Potter died. It's been on my mind for a while recently.

It was a frosty morning in February and James and I were at Hogwarts. We were sitting in the Great Hall for a late breakfast on a Saturday. As James and I woke up late, not many people were in the Hall. Marlene was recovering from a hangover from a Friday night party, Alice was always up early so had gone to the library to study war strategies but the Marauders were still there…

_~ FLASHBACK ~_

James and I walk towards the Gryffindor table. As we get closer, I slide my hand out of his. A stupid comment from Sirius is the last thing I need.

"Prongs! Evans!" Sirius says as we sit down, his mouth full of toast – he really is disgusting.

"Did you sleep well?" Remus asks, looking at Sirius and then averting his gaze. "Padfoot, is it possible for you to eat properly?"

"Merlin's beard Moony! Eat properly? You sound like my mother," Padfoot exclaims through the croissant he's chewing. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing's up with me," Remus replies sourly.

"Oh come on, Moony. I eat like this all the time so I really don't –"

"Padfoot," Remus cuts in, giving him a look. Sirius shuts up and goes back to his breakfast.

"We slept well, thank you Moony," James said, holding my hand under the table.

"_We_ slept well," Sirius says, wiggling his eyebrows, "but did they really _sleep_ at all?"

I glower at Sirius and he resumes eating messily, seemingly oblivious.

"For your information, we did sleep. In separate beds, in different rooms," I say.

"Jeesh, Evans. No need to be so defensive."

"I wouldn't have to be defensive if you didn't keep attacking me."

"Come off it, Evans. We all know what you and Prongs do at night."

"Oh really?" I scowl at James who abruptly becomes interested in his fried egg sandwich.

"_Really_, really. Don't worry Evans; your secrets are safe with me."

I roll my eyes.

"Anyway," Remus says, "this came for you."

He hands James a letter with the Ministry logo on it.

"D'you think this is _it_?" James asks excitedly.

By 'it' he's referring to some sort of Quidditch/Auror related thing. He won't shut up about it. It's some sort of programme and qualification intern-ship but we don't know if it's going to go ahead or not because of the war.

"We don't know, Moony wouldn't let us open it," Wormy says.

"It is Prong's letter, not yours," Remus points out.

"But we'd open a letter addressed to you," Sirius says.

"I'm touched," Remus says sarcastically.

James reads the letter. His hand grips mine tighter, squeezing it to the point where it hurts. His face is ashen, his shoulders slack. No, I think, it can't be. He drops the letter and swallows. His hand slips out of mine.

"Well, Prongs?" Sirius asks, grinning. They haven't noticed yet.

"I'm going to need a minute," he says before leaving the Hall. He looks normal to the untrained eye but his fists are clenched and his posture is ever so slightly weak. I get up quickly and speed walk after him, trying to look inconspicuous.

I catch him down a corridor leading to the Gryffindor common room.

"James?" I tap him on the shoulder; he shrugs me off without looking at me, without letting me see his face.

"Ministry officials were at my house this morning to get some papers signed for dad's retirement and they'd gone – dead. They – they rushed them to St. Mungo's but there was nothing they could do. The c-cause of death was lung failure – they'd been touring Australia and caught some infection from one of the animals they were researching… they're gone, Lily. Gone forever."

_~ FLASHBACK OVER ~_

I look at the clock; it's blurred with the tears in my eyes. When did I get so tearful? 4 am. I can't believe I've been up all night. Hang on, that would make today the 26th July, the anniversary of mine and James's marriage (and also the Death Eater attack in which we got lost for several days and encountered really dark, powerful magic). It's unlikely we'll celebrate though. I think there's an Order meeting today. And I've fallen out with James. Or at least, we got into a fight yesterday. I'm not angry with him anymore, hence my thoughts on how much I love him.

* * *

THE DAY BEFORE

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

Why is James so infuriating? He never helps with the housework, he's always mooching about the place prattling on about the good old days like he's an old man, he follows me relentlessly around the house like a lost puppy, he never gives me a few moments peace when I need it, he deliberately taps his fingers on the table when I'm trying to look over files for the Order, he's lazy and he flirts. That's the worst part. The rest I can handle. I do not wear down easily but as I have come to discover (and apparently so has James) is that I am quite a jealous person. James thinks it's hilarious.

It is not.

Just the other day, we were at a café with the Marauders (Mar and Al are basically Marauders) and James walks up to the waitress – no he _swaggers_ up to her – gives her 'that' smile and shamelessly starts charming her. Of course I was furious but I didn't let it show whilst she was there.

When she'd gone into the kitchen, I finally unleashed my anger.

"And who is that?"

"Her name is Alison."

"Does she know you have a wife?"

"It didn't come up in our conversation."

"Of course it didn't."

"I don't start conversations with waiting staff by telling them I have a wife."

"I don't know why you started a conversation with her at all."

"Her name is Alison and I start conversations because it's polite. You're not jealous are you?"

"Me? Jealous? Why would I be jealous? It's not like my beloved husband is talking to a younger and impossibly attractive woman who won't stop batting her eyelashes in your direction."

"I can talk to people."

"Exactly, you can talk to people but you weren't talking to her. You were flirting."

"Lily, there is nothing between her and me. I'm not interested."

"Does she know that?"

"Obviously!"

The waitress in question walks up to our table with the bill. Her hand brushes James' shoulder as she walks past. At the bottom of the receipt, there is a phone number with the words "call me" scripted underneath. I left the café.

I calmed down eventually and I would have been fine if it only happened once. But it didn't. It kept happening and it keeps happening and now I doubt myself and him all together. Has he finally got bored of me? Has he lost interest? When I press him with these questions, he just brushes them away. Like he did in seventh year. When I discovered that he and Alison had been meeting up all week at private romantic spots… well, that was the last straw. He could come after me if he wanted to. Now I'm on my way to Mar's house and he knows that but he hasn't come after me. Maybe he never will.

Where did this doubt come from? We were so happy, so in love.

I knock on Marlene's door. She looks so surprised and happy to see me and then she sees my face and the happiness is gone, replaced with worry.

"Let me guess, James has done something stupid, again."

I nod.

"Come in then, we'll sort this out."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

"Whoa, hold on a second, Evans stormed out of this cottage because you've been meeting up with Alison?" Padfoot looks confused as he straightens up from his slouch on the sofa, suddenly attentive.

"She's not Evans anymore, Padfoot. We're married –"

"Exactly," Moony interrupts, "you're married, Prongs. You and Lily love each other. So what on earth possessed you to meet up with Alison?"

"I don't know… Lily's stressed, with all this work she's doing for the Order and she has so much to handle. Urgh, this is going to sound stupid. Well, it's not her fault but when she looks at me, she doesn't look at me like she used to. She looks at me like she doesn't have time for me anymore, like I'm an immature nuisance. It's like she no longer sees me as her husband and lover, more of a responsibility. I wanted to show her that I am desirable, that we're partners. When we were at that café, I did flirt a little and it made Lily notice me for a while. I need to know if she's still willing to fight for me like I'd fight for her."

"PRONGS!" Moony explodes with rage, "you are a complete imbecile! Of course Lily damn well loves you, she might be a little held up at the moment to care too much if you don't feel sexually desirable, because if it escaped your notice we're in the middle of a war. Lives are being lost, people are being tortured for Merlin's sake and you're worrying if your wife wants to have sex with you?"

"I've got to say, Prongs, Moony has a point. We don't usually agree on anything when it comes to wooing women but you really need to go after her right now."

"You guys always talk about everything," Wormtail interjects, sipping his tea, "so why didn't you just tell her how you felt?"

"Because I was afraid that I'd lose her."

"That's pathetic," Wormtail says, surprising us all, "you were never going to lose her but you might if you don't at least _try_ to explain it to her."

"I don't know what to do anymore. She doesn't trust me –"

"Would you trust her if you found out she was meeting up with a man you didn't know?"

"I'd be hurt but I'd still love her…"

"That's not what I'm asking, Prongs."

"No, I guess I wouldn't immediately trust her but over time, perhaps."

"There you are, then. When Melanie started seeing other men, I was hurt. I thought she liked me and I thought that I liked her so the fact that she went behind my back did make me not trust her but over time, I've gotten to know her better…" Wormtail trails off.

"Are you two okay now?" I ask.

"No," Wormtail says sadly, "she still sees other men but that's only because I didn't say anything about it. We hardly know each other and in this marriage, we're both really unhappy. But you and Lily, you're different. You know each other and you make each other happy. If you go on pretending like these little things don't bother you, you find that over the months and years, you've drifted away completely before you even knew it was happening. I know I'm not a model example," he says and Padfoot snorts, "but I've made a lot of mistakes."

"Thanks, Wormtail. I'll go after her right now."

* * *

REAL TIME

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

I come down the stairs in my pyjamas. Lily never came to bed. I assume she's gone to Marlene's. I trudge into the kitchen and turn the kettle on. There's an owl with a letter outside the window, I open the window warily and take the letter from the owl before shutting the window quickly and re-casting the wards. It's from Alison.

I sigh. I thought I told her to leave me alone. It's her fault I even fell out with Lily. Well it's not but it takes two to tango (I have no idea what that saying means but Padfoot says it all the time). I found Lily at Marlene's yesterday, exactly where she'd said she'd be. She was livid of course and she did throw a plant pot at my head but she calmed down eventually. I did try to explain things to her even if I did equivocate a lot but once I'd finished, she just said that it was lucky that murder was illegal and that if I ever did something like that to her again, then she'd break my broomstick.

She said that as a result of the whole Alison thing, she'd started to think that I didn't want her and that I didn't love her. Isn't it odd that something as strong and unyielding as love can be brought crashing down as if it were a house of cards?

I burn the letter with my wand before wandering into the lounge with my cup of tea, only to find Lily scribbling away furiously on her notes. I almost jump out of my skin.

"Um, Lily?" I ask hesitantly, she holds her hand up as if to say 'one minute'. I wait patiently.

She looks up at last, dark rings around her eyes but her eyes are alive with sparks. She's cracked something, I know it, or she's close to cracking something.

"Morning, James," she yawns sleepily, still in her clothes from yesterday.

"Morning, how long have you been there?"

"All night."

"Why didn't you come upstairs? I assumed you'd gone out this morning."

"I was working all night… I'm so close. I know there's a pattern. It's right under my nose, I can feel it."

"I thought you said that we'd spend more time together –"

"And we will, right after I crack this."

I groan before summoning another cup of tea for Lily and settling down next to her and this paper explosion.

"I've drawn up a map of all the locations the Death Eaters have been targeting. Do you notice anything?"

"Yeah, the towns with Muggle-borns and Wizarding families are being targeted the most, which makes sense but what are all these points over here and there… it looks so random."

"That's what I thought at first, but if you look, you'll see that there _is_ a pattern. They start at the outskirts but if you see, with a few exceptions, they're all heading to London…"

"To overthrow the Ministry of Magic."

"Maybe, but things have been moving really slowly recently, I think they're planning something big."

"What do you think they're planning?"

"If I were the leader of the Dark army, I would attack all the key areas where Wizarding families are prominent and take control over them. Then I'd target the Ministry, knowing that most of the Wizarding population were under my control and once the Ministry saw that my forces were everywhere, they'd have to give in."

"So why haven't they done that?"

"I think they're still rallying up supporters. You've heard the rumours: werewolves, giants, unspeakable dark magic… I think Voldemort wants to make sure that when he does attacks the Ministry, he can be absolutely certain that he has the most powerful side. There aren't as many of us as there of them but we've got Aurors and some of the greatest witches and wizards in history on our side – we've still got a chance. The Ministry isn't going to fall easily, that's pretty darn clear."

"So do you think they'll be a battle soon?"

"Definitely soon," she confirms, "There's another thing I noticed; there's always been an attack on the first Sunday of every month."

"What?" I look at her, puzzled. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious. The other attacks are all over the place but there's always one on the first Sunday of every month."

"That's probably just a coincidence, I think you need some coffee, Lils," I get up and walk back into the kitchen, taking the now empty mugs of tea with me.

"I probably do," she says, stretching on the sofa before following me, "but do you want to know what's odd? I really thought I almost had it."

"It's not your fault, Lils, even Dumbledore couldn't crack it," I reassure her, grabbing two clean mugs.

"Do you know what we need? I was thinking about this earlier but we need a double agent. Somebody on the inside. No doubt Voldemort's got people in the Ministry."

"Who would take such a risk for us?"

"Severus?"

I almost drop the kettle.

"What?" I splutter.

"Severus, he could be a double agent. I mean I know that it's not an ideal solution after all he's done and I know I said that I'd forgotten him and everything but -"

"Honey, you're sleep-deprived and apparently delirious. Snivellus would never agree to put his neck on the line for us. I mean, you didn't exactly bond well after your last encounter."

"You don't know Severus like I do."

"No, Lil, you think you know who he is but the simple truth is something you've always been blind to – he's an evil and sadistic coward."

"And how would you know?"

"Look at everything that git has done to you! And not just to you, to me and to countless others. He tortured you, he called you a Mudblood, he's on the same aide as Malfoy and Lestrange – the two very people who nearly killed you countless times, he tried to get Moony thrown in Azkaban and he's a blood purist! He practised Dark Magic from the age of eleven, I'm telling you Lily, that guy is anything but on our side."

"Yeah, you're right. It's just… he gets in my head, okay? He was always on my side before and I was on his –"

"And things have changed, Lily. I don't want to sound harsh but it is what it is: he's changed since you were best friends and so have you. You need to move on, seriously. What if next time we fight you have to duel against him? Hmm? How are you going to survive if all you see is your old best friend? He's a Death Eater, the enemy and is trying to kill you. The sooner you get that into your head, the safer we'll all be."

"Okay," she says, her eyes glassy. Is she crying? Oh crap, have I made her cry?

"I'm sorry Lils, I worry about you, that's all. You have a ton of shit to deal with and you know that I love you –"

She reaches up and kisses me.

"You know today's our wedding anniversary, right?"

"How could I forget?"


	46. Don't Doubt Me

**A/N:**** Hello! So I've been gone a while... I know, I know, I'm late - again but my time away hasn't been completely unproductive. I have actually written the next few chapters on paper, I just need to write them up. I know this is turning into a really long story but you know, go big or go home right? **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter, as you know, I own nothing, no copyright infringement is intended and all rights go to the one and only J K Rowling who is an eminent writer.**

**Have a wonderful day!**

* * *

PATROLS

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

We've been in the same dark dingy alleyway for two hours. The dripping of the broken pipes has dulled, the stench of the sewers, alcohol and cigarettes has almost become undetectable and my eyes are completely adjusted to the dark – which keeps getting darker as the minutes go past and the sun sinks lower in the sky. I think I preferred the alleyway when I couldn't see it properly. There's broken glass, blood, dead rats (and Merlin knows what else) strewn across the floor.

"Can we move yet?" I whisper to Moony.

"No, Prongs," Moony hisses back, "we move when we get the signal."

"What's the signal again?"

Moony sighs, exasperated, "Just sit tight and be patient for once in your life."

"I _am_ patient, I waited for Lily to like me for _years_. Speaking of which, do you think Lily is okay?"

"I wouldn't call that patience, more persistence and perseverance. I'm sure she's fine, she's probably thinking how lucky she is not to be paired with somebody as impatient as you."

"I'm not that bad."

"You've been fidgeting the whole time and whining and grumbling non-stop."

I scowl at him before turning my thoughts back to Lily's welfare.

"Seriously though, I'm worried. She's with Emmeline and you know how those two get on."

"She'll be fine Prongs," Moony says, his voice a little softer. "She's more than capable of handling herself."

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I've had enough. Emmeline Vance is insufferable (and so judgemental).We've been concealed on the roof for two very long hours. It's cold up here and we can't light a fire because we'll attract unwanted attention and Emmeline refuses to let me use charms to conceal the fire because apparently "it's not that cold". It might be August but it's still freezing.

We're waiting for a signal, that's if there ever is one. I wonder how Alice is getting on, she's paired with Dorcas. Marlene is with Alice Longbottom so she'll be fine (the Longbottoms are perhaps the friendliest people I know), James is with Remus and Peter should have been paired with Sirius but Alastor banned him from Patrols, so Peter was paired with Frank.

I hope they're all okay but nothing usually happens anyway, so there's no need to be anxious. Alastor thinks there will be an attack here as it is one of the only substantial Wizarding towns that hasn't been attacked in the East Midlands. We've been alternating with other Order members to watch over it. We're all eager for a proper fight but I doubt tonight will be the night. Nevertheless, if somebody gives the signal, we know that Death Eaters are here. I'm just not sure what happens _after_ the signal – do we all head towards it and leave our areas unguarded?

"You are _so_ unattractive when you frown," Emmeline sniffs, tossing her hair over her shoulder and wrinkling her nose.

I clench my fists but ignore her – resuming my post looking for imaginary Death Eaters.

"I actually can't believe –"

"Do you think you could just not say anything for a while?" I interrupt her.

Her eyes widen and she mumbles under her breath about what bad manners I have and how unpleasant I am. I wonder if this night will ever end.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

MALFOY MANOR

* * *

"…and so I think if we were to attack this way then –"

"Shut up, Malfoy. I have had enough of this inaniloquent chatter. Has anybody got _anything_ worth saying?"

Lucius sinks down into his seat. I bite back a smirk. I really hate Lucius. The Dark Lord looks around the table, his eyes darting from one face to the next.

"My Lord," I say, my voice drawn out. I hope this isn't a mistake but I've been waiting a long time to do this. "I have a proposition."

"You do, do you Snape? And pray tell, what is this proposition?"

A few people twitter nervously. I stare at the Dark Lord squarely. This could go one of two ways. Either he will admire my confidence or he will say that I am insolent. The Dark Lord must be old. He was at school with that Groundskeeper, Hagrid. So maybe forties or fifties. He doesn't look it. He looks disconcertingly young; no doubt the work of dark sorcery and potions. I have no interest in immortality, it might be fascinating but I rather think that one life is quite long enough to be on this miserable Earth.

"As you are no doubt aware, the Order and the Ministry have no intention of conceding. We have the upper hand but what sweeter victory would there be if only somebody was on the inside."

The Dark Lord laughs, "And you think they would accept your services with open arms?"

He seems to think that I am brave, not rude given the fact that I'm still alive.

"Leave that to me, my Lord. I have my ways of… persuasion."

"Very well," he chuckles slightly, "but if this plan of yours happens to fail, I will not think twice of cutting you open and ripping out your organs one by one. And have no doubt that I will use similar treatment on that Mudblood bitch that has given us all so much grief. Perhaps she could go first and you could watch."

I feel myself pale slightly. I've already seen her close to death once; I have no desire to see her in such a state again.

"I will not fail."

The words come out smoothly, and much more confident that I feel.

"You'd better hope not," his eyes flash dangerously, "I am putting a lot of trust in you, Snape. As for tonight's plans… fear not my soldiers, for there will be murder tonight and we will return victorious."

He raises his glass and there are cheers all around the table. With promises such as these, it's no wonder people are uniting in the drive for blood purity. The meeting is then closed.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Severus," Narcissa says, sidling up next to me, speaking quietly so as not to be overheard as we walk out of the room and head for the grounds outside.

"Of course, Narcissa. You shouldn't doubt me so much."

"It just seems like a pretty idiotic risk to me."

"The Dark Lord knows I want Lily safe and now that I have something he wants, he is obliged to ensure her safety."

"But what if they don't accept you? I mean, you'll have to join the Order if you're going to find out anything and _James _is in the Order… all the Marauders are. How are you going to get them to trust you?"

"Don't worry about me, Narcissa. I have it all under control."

"Just be careful, Severus."

She turns around and heads back towards the manor. Once she's out of sight, I feel a wave of panic hit me. What have I done? No, I cannot doubt myself. Not when everyone else doubts me, even Narcissa. If I am ever going to succeed, then I need to believe that this is for the best. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

STILL PATROLS

* * *

Is it possible to die of boredom? Because if it is, then I think that I am either already dead or I am dying. How is Moony so relaxed? Well, he's probably not very relaxed but he looks it. Moony has always been better at concealing his emotions and thoughts than I ever have been. He's the sort of person who doesn't tell you when he's angry with you, the sort of person who lets things build up inside, the sort of person who tries to push things away when he doesn't know how to deal with them. I'm the sort of person who insults people to their faces rather than behind their backs, as Oscar Wilde says, a good friend will always stab you in the front. If I'm annoyed with somebody, then they know it. I'm the emotional explosive type, Moony's like an egg timer.

I suppose the only time I've ever really tried to control what I'm saying and think things through first is when I'm with Lily. But for all my faults, Moony's faults, Lily's faults and everybody's faults, it doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in this disgusting alleyway and dying of boredom. I swear, one more hour in this place –

"Prongs!" Moony shouts urgently, snapping me out of my reverie.

I look over to where he's pointing, red sparks.

Death Eaters.

We set off at a run out of the alleyway and towards the red sparks. I suddenly notice a flaw in Mad Eye Moody's plan – how can we Apparate towards the red sparks when we don't know where exactly those red sparks are coming from? Surely the people who were guarding that particular area can handle them? What if there are Death Eaters in our area that we have now abandoned? But what if the people who set off the red sparks can't handle the Death Eaters or somebody gets injured or even killed? But if we all went towards the red sparks to help them out, then the Death Eaters can just swoop in and take over the whole town and kill us all in one blow. Just as we near the place where we saw the red sparks, another set of red sparks are set off, only a few streets away. Moony and I dash the opposite way to the original sparks.

We get to where the red sparks came from but nobody is there, and no duel is taking place… Whoever set off these sparks is long gone, which is impossible because they only went up a few moments ago. Unless there never were any Order members here at all.

"Moony? Something's not quite right."

"You can say that again," Moony swallows and I look at him.

Dark smoke is seeping down the street, blacking everything out and streaking the houses with fog. It comes fasters and in our direction, we back away only to find it on our other side. We're surrounded. I don't know what this smoke does and I'm pretty sure I don't want to find out.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"… I mean I guess _Witch Weekly_ said that he wasn't but I think he totally is. Did you see him in the Daily Prophet? He looked so gorgeous but when you know how many girls he had, you kinda go off him. Did you hear what his brother did? Oh, it was crazy. So there was this guy, right, and he said…"

I am losing my mind. Emmeline Vance is the most infuriating human being to ever walk this earth. I would rather sit in a cave of scorpions than listen to another minute of her rambling. Or maybe scorpions don't live in caves. Argh, it doesn't matter. The sentiment is the same. I have no idea who she's talking about most of the time and never have I ever seen somebody devote so much time into knowing about other people's affairs. Does she have nothing better to do than care what colour shoes this person has or how many times this person has their hair in a certain way? I can't believe I'm thinking this but a Death Eater attack would be _welcome_ right now.

Hang on, what's that? I squint into the darkness. Shit. Red sparks. It looks like my wish has been granted.

"…but red and green plaid? I mean I wouldn't have much of an objection if the green was a little darker but that shade? Ew, no. Did you hear –?"

"Look over there!" I shout at her, pointing to the red sparks.

We both scramble down the pipe on the wall and run down the street. The sparks are so close; there'd be no point in Apparating. We reach a fork in the road.

"Um, Emmeline, which way do you think is the best way to go?"

"I think you've reached the end of the line," a voice, definitely not Emmeline's speaks behind me.

I turn slowly around.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

The smoke, thankfully, doesn't appear to do more than shield your vision and suffocate you if you accidentally breathe it in. I thought it was poisonous or toxic or something. The only trouble is that it's so dark, and the smoke is so heavy and thick, that I can't see a thing, not even my own hand in front of me, which attempts in vain to push away the smoke from my eyes. My wand is still in my hand but what spell would I cast? Lumos has no effect and the smoke seems to absorb all sound – so I can't shout at Moony to ask what the bloody hell is going on.

This is bad. How do I get myself out of this one? Then, I see it: big, glowing, red eyes looming towards me. The dark smoke begins to clear but the figure which is vaguely outlined by the moonlight is by no means any more visible. The silver mask on their face glints, their wand is drawn.

"Potter, how _delightful_ to see you again."

"Do I know you?" He certainly sounds familiar.

"I believe us to be acquainted. I was the one who broke your beloved Mudblood's arms –"

"Mulciber," I growl, my own wand drawn and illuminated.

"Well done, you figured it out," he drawls.

"Where's M-Remus?"

"The werewolf traitor scum?" Mulciber spits, "who knows?"

"What have you done with him?" I lunge a little closer, my wand ablaze, a hex on the edge of my lips.

"Now, now, let us not be hasty…" he smirks, his mask vanishing into thin air.

"Why not? You came here for blood, didn't you? Why don't we end what we started at Hogwarts?"

"As much as I would like to slit your throat and watch your blood drip, drop by drop, orders are orders."

"So what? We wait?"

"Indeed we do. I wonder how darling Mary Macdonald is getting on –"

"You touch her and I swear –"

"I've done much more than touch her, Potter. I've done more than you can imagine to that Mudblood whore. One day, she will thank me –"

"_Thank_ you? You tortured and –"

"I wouldn't expect the likes of you to understand… falling in love with Mudbloods, friends with werewolves and Blood Traitors, you ought to be ashamed."

"_You_ should be ashamed! Do you know how many lives you've ruined?"

"Yes, it's wonderful, isn't it?"

I spit on his shoes. That's what I think of him.

"You will pay for that insult."

"Oh yeah? _Make me_."

He sneers before sending a jet of red light my way, which I dodge. He shoots hex after hex after hex, but I block almost all of them, sending back twice as many in his direction. He dodges as many as I do. Be that as it may, he is no match for me. I've spent hours training for this. Oh it feels so good to be duelling again. The thrill, the adrenaline, the danger, I've missed this.

It's almost too easy. The difference between the spells we're casting is that he's trying to kill me and I'm using (mainly) defensive magic. Occasionally I throw in a Bat Bogey Hex or levitating spell or a Jelly Legs Jinx. He's angry and humiliated – which only makes him careless. Anger and humiliation together are dangerous, it is after all, part of the reason Snivelly and Lily are no longer friends and it will be the reason behind his downfall. I'm confident that I will win this duel. In fact, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself.

However, I have had enough; I disarm him smoothly and tie him up in magical binds.

"Okay Mulciber, this has been fun but, I'm bored now. Where's Remus?"

"I'll never tell you."

"Really?"

I think he has grossly underestimated me.


	47. Change

**A/N:**** Hello! I am very, very late. I don't know what to say really, just that things happen, life happens and the world is actually very crazy! Anyway... I hope you enjoy this chapter! All rights to J K Rowling, I own nothing, no copyright infringement...**

**I hope you are having a wonderful day! (And I apologise in advance for the mess that is this chapter.)**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

He wears dark robes and a silver mask. He has Emmeline, tied up, next to him. She struggles against the magic ropes binding her, but can't quite get free. I see the panic in her eyes – she wasn't expecting this, neither was I. Merlin damn me, why wasn't I paying attention? I should have known something like this was going to happen.

"The infamous Lily Potter. We meet again at last."

"Malfoy," I stare right into his eyes, I'm not afraid of him anymore.

"Aren't we brave? Let's see if you remember _this_ as much as you remember me."

He acts too fast, his curse hits me instantly, knocking me backwards with its intensity. Of course I recognise the spell. Who could forget the Cruciatus Curse? You'd think Malfoy would be a bit more creative by now with his torture methods. The pain is sharp, twisting and unrelenting. It burns, freezes, pierces every part of my body. I can't think beyond the torture, can't control my body, all I see is fire and all I feel is agony. The pain doesn't lessen; if anything it grows, aching just as I remember. It's like a dagger in the stomach (I would know), the pain running through my core. One moment it's like being hit by lightning, a thousand pin points of electrical energy all over my body, the next it's like blunt nails tearing at my skin through to my veins, and then it's like being burned. You'd think having had this curse cast on me so many times that I'd be used to it but I'm not. My body recognises this spell intuitively, my mind reliving every moment of pain, every drop of blood, every scar, every cut… It hurts until I see no more, until I feel no more.

* * *

"Lily?"

I open my eyes, black patches and spots cover my vision. I blink several times and Emmeline comes into focus.

"Um, Lily? It's okay, he's unconscious. I think."

I begin to sit up, Merlin, my head – it's pounding. Malfoy is on the ground, bloodied and still. Emmeline is also covered in blood but it doesn't appear to be her own, her usually immaculate hair is messy and her wand is pointing warily at Malfoy.

"Did you –?"

"Knock him out? Yes," she beams, "just like Dorcas taught me to. You slam the bottom of your palm into their nose which breaks it and can kill them – he had my wand, you see. I then kneed him in the groin and then I snatched my wand and used stupefy."

She explains this whilst giving me a demonstration to the air to further illustrate her attack on Malfoy.

"How did you get untied?"

"Easy, the spell wasn't very strong. I think he was too busy torturing you to worry much about me."

"Oh. Thanks, I guess?"

"You're welcome," she smiles, taking an apple from her pocket and biting into it. She takes out another one (how many apples does she have in her pocket?) and throws it to me. I catch it and bite into it, my hands shaky but my body grateful for the energy.

"Listen, Emmeline, I think we got off on the wrong foot –"

"I think that's mostly my fault. I'm sorry for what I said about your frowning being unattractive, I didn't really know you all that well and when I don't know somebody that well, I'm awkward and then I talk a lot. You were just some girl who whilst usually looked kind of beaten up, was impossibly beautiful and was married to the hottest guy at Hogwarts… The way Malfoy did that to you, it made me think, this war is like, _really happening_. It's not something happening miles away that I read about in newspapers, it's happening now, right in front of me. What I'm trying to say is that we should be allies, we're on the same side, right?"

"Well I'm certainly not on _his_ side," I indicate to Malfoy, as I slowly stand up. "I'd like that, allies."

We shake on it.

"So now what?" she asks, looking at me expectantly.

"We find the others… and find the Death Eaters."

I try to walk, my legs shaking a little before giving way underneath me. I pick myself back up almost immediately.

"Are you alright?" Emmeline asks, with concern.

"Yeah, I'm usually a bit shaken up after stuff like that. I'll be fine in a few moments."

"Here, lean on me."

I don't reject her offer; I'm too weak to insist that I walk by myself. I put some of my weight on her arm and we walk together. Maybe she's not so bad after all.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

From what I managed to get out of Mulciber, it would appear that Moony is still stuck in the black smoke further down the street. He was talking a lot of gibberish about the dark and fire and inferi and some other shit that doesn't make sense. Apparently Death Eaters were assigned to a member of the Order with the intent of splitting up the partners so that we'd all be lost and distracted whilst they took over the town and lured us all to the centre (knowing we can't resist a battle) and kill us all or something like that. I have a feeling the Death Eaters aren't as meticulously organised as they like to think they are. Right now, I'm trying to find Moony in all this damn smoke. Seriously, what it this stuff and how do I destroy it? I'm a bit worried that if I use fire, I'll hurt Moony but at this stage, I have no patience. What the hell, Moony can handle a bit of fire.

Fire has an odd effect on the smoke; it kind of evaporates it and melts it away. I've never seen such a substance act that way before. Weird. Eventually it clears and I see Moony wandering, or rather stumbling around aimlessly as the smoke begins to clear. Huh, I should try shooting fire at things more often. It seems to work.

"Moony!" I yell at him, he turns around, still disorientated.

"Prongs… I was walking in that smoke for _ages_. It's invincible practically. How did you get rid of it?"

"Try fire."

Moony raises an eyebrow.

"What?" I ask, offended.

"Nothing, I'm just surprised you managed to get rid of it without causing too much dam-"

He looks at the street properly, now that it isn't obscured by smoke. It's blasted to pieces. He sighs before shaking his head, smiling a little.

"Let's go and find Wormtail, Lily, Alice and Marlene."

"Right. D'you think Lily's okay?"

"Yes," Moony replies bluntly, "focus on the task at hand, Prongs."

"I _am_ focused but I'm worried about her –"

"Well, don't worry about her, she's Lily and if there's one thing I know about Lily, it's that she wouldn't want you to worry about her right now."

We walk to the end of the street, the night air getting colder by the minute. As we meander at a ridiculously slow pace for two people in the middle of a war with Death Eaters in close proximity somewhere, Moony strikes up conversation.

"What do you think of Alice?"

"Alice Longbottom?"

"No, Alice Smith."

"Oh, um, she's one of Lily's best friends (not that Alice Longbottom isn't one of Lily's best friends), she can be very aggressive and violent, and jealous, she's quite capricious sometimes… um, what else? She's good at war strategy and hexing, she's very loyal… I don't know, what do you mean what do I think of Alice?"

"Do you think her and Wormtail…?"

"Her and Wormtail?" I snort, "Not bloody likely."

"Ah," he says.

"Why? Do you like her or something?" I look sideways at him.

"What? Me? _No_. I mean she's – well she's great and talented but me – me and _her_? No, no, no… has – has she said anything, you know – about me?" Moony says, looking everywhere but in my direction as he trips over his words.

"_Ooooo_, Moony likes Alice – and you were paired together by the Marriage Law! Aw, mate, how long?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yeah, you do. How long have you liked her?"

"Since a bit before your wedding," he admits.

"Moony that's over a year," I marvel.

"Well I liked her a lot before your wedding and then it faded it out for a while and then at Christmas, I kind of got talking to her and I liked her again but she was always talking about Wormtail and they spend a lot of time together and they really seem to understand each other… I just, I really want someone to _get_ me, to understand me and I worry that she never will because – because of what I am."

"Listen, Moony, I've told you this so many times, if she cares about that, then she's not worth it."

"Thank you, Prongs, but not everybody is like you, Wormtail, Padfoot and Lily. I know it doesn't bother you, but it might bother her. I mean, she knows, of course she knows but that doesn't mean that she'd want to be with me, we're engaged by law but so what? That means nothing; everyone knows the Ministry is going to revoke the law eventually. Besides, I'm a monster, Prongs. I don't know why I'm talking about this."

"For the last time, you are not a monster. It's okay to like someone and to want to be with them… but you'll never know if she wants the same unless you make a move and go for it."

"And if she rejects me?"

"So? Lily rejected me millions of times! Sure, you feel broken and miserable for weeks, but you get over it."

"That's different," he says bitterly, "you and Lily are soul mates."

"And we didn't become soul mates by sitting around doing nothing."

"I don't think that's how soul mates work –"

"Who cares how it_ works_? It's love! When does love have rules?"

"I suppose so but –"

"But nothing, if you don't like the sound of my advice, then go and ask Padfoot."

"Love advice from Padfoot?" Moony pales.

"It sounds ridiculous but yes, love advice from Padfoot. How d'you think I romanced Lily so flawlessly?"

"The limerick from third year - that was Padfoot's idea?"

"He said to write a romantic poem so I went outside the box and wrote a humorous one instead because Lily didn't appreciate Shakespeare in third year."

"I'm sure she didn't appreciate any form romance from you at all until seventh year."

"That's where you're wrong, my very judgemental friend. She fell for me _long_ before seventh year; she was just too stubborn to admit it at the time."

"Yeah, yeah," he says, shaking his head disbelievingly.

"It's true."

"Until Lily says it herself, I refuse to take your word for it."

"Lily will never confess to it."

"Then as far as I'm concerned, she never loved you until seventh year."

"How closed minded of you."

Moony sticks his tongue out at me – and they say _he's_ the mature one. We see flashes of coloured light a few streets ahead, without a word, we both run. This night is turning out to be more physically intense than that Quidditch match in sixth year against the Slytherins, which was tough - even for me.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"Did you hear that?" Emmeline asks, as we turn another corner. It's so dark… and freezing.

"Hear what?"

Then I hear it, the sound of an explosion and shouting.

"Can you run?" Emmeline asks. I've been walking by myself for the last few minutes but I'm still a little wobbly on my feet.

"Probably," I say, willing my legs to hold up.

"Good."

She grabs my hand and we run. It's not weird at all, in fact, we've been talking a lot and I had her all wrong. She's not as shallow as I thought she was. I mean she still cares a lot about clothes and celebrities and stuff but she has a good sense of humour, she's quite kind and actually very intelligent once you get past the initial layer of superficiality. I mean, she watched me screaming and being tortured a few minutes ago and she's not looking at me like a wounded rabbit. She's looking at me in a completely different way – she's looking at me with respect.

I wonder how Remus, James, Marlene and Alice are doing (both Smith and Longbottom actually). Have they too run into Death Eaters? I hope not or at least I hope they're not in any trouble. I'm not really fit to fight but I'd never voice that to Emmeline. No, I've sat at home long enough. I'm determined to actually _do_ something this time. I finally feel in control, for once in my life, I can finally breathe a little. I'm ready to hex some Death Eaters. For what they did to my parents, for what they did to my sister, for what they did to James, to Sirius, to Remus, to me. I'm ready to fight back, I have to. I can't just watch what they're doing anymore, something has to be done and I know that this battle isn't going to change anything but – it's a start and who knows what'll happen from here? We have Aurors; we have powerful allies and talented wizards and witches. What does Voldemort have? He has a load of Death Eaters, creepy dark magic and magical beasts. I'll admit, the odds are not in our favour but when has that ever held back a Gryffindor? True bravery is doing something even though you know it might not (and probably will not) work out. It's looking your fear right in the eye and still going ahead. It's accepting that you might be defeated but staying strong all the way through. We might not be the largest army or the most terrifying, but I will not abandon our cause. Unlike many of the Death Eaters, I'm choosing what is _right_ instead of what is easy. I know there will be consequences for my actions, I know that as a Muggle-Born, I'm subject to prejudice and torture but you know what? I'm not afraid of what I am anymore. It's been haunting me for so long but somehow, I just don't care. Our blood doesn't define who we are. It's the choices we make and the things we do.

Okay, motivational speech in my head is over, time to focus.

We skid to a halt once we reach the town centre – it's buzzing with Death Eaters and Order members duelling. Hexes and curses fly everywhere, Aurors shoot Unforgiveable Curses and the Death Eaters set fire and explode pretty much everything around them. Even though its pitch black, the scene is lit up by the light of spells, there's so much noise it's like being back at Hogwarts in the Great Hall again. I feel Emmeline's tight grip on my hand and I look at her. She nods at me and we plunge into the chaos.

I work my way through the crowd, casting every spell I remember on anyone wearing a silver mask or is dressed all in black. I shoot arrows out of my wand, pinning several Death Eaters to walls and the floor as the arrow heads snag on their cloaks. Cloaks aren't very practical for war. I glance around, whilst casting protective charms; can I see anyone I know? I spy Alice Longbottom out of the corner of my eye, duelling Dolohov. I rush to her side, casting _Everte Statum_ at Dolohov but he dodges it and hits another Death Eater instead, throwing him into a Death Eater standing close by. Alice makes quick work of them, tying them up before sending them to one of our safe houses where Aurors and Ministry officials decide what to do with them. Alice gives me a brief smile before shooting a hex into a Death Eater just a few feet away from me; he falls back – into flames. Someone has cast Fiendfyre. It eats its way through what is left of the town's square, burning Death Eaters, Order members and allies alike. The beautiful houses and bridges of the town are now reduced to little more than rubble. It's lucky all the residents of the town had the foresight to evacuate. I see James and Remus out of the corner of my eye – they'll be fine, they're two of the most skilled wizards I know.

I scarcely have enough time to cast _Partis Temporus _before I spot a familiar figure, without quite knowing why, I push through the battle and follow it. The figure winds through the streets, apparently following someone else. They reach a larger road; the figure pulls out their wand and casts _Crucio_… I can't stand by and watch, I disarm the figure, and they turn to face me. Oh dear Merlin.

Suddenly I don't feel so brave.

"Hello Lily," he says, his silver mask vanishes.

"Severus," I splutter, inching back a little.

"Don't act so scared, Lily."

I peer around him at the figure on the ground, still twitching and shaking. Is he…? Severus picks up his wand.

"He's not dead, at least not yet, anyway," Severus gives me a crooked smile. I don't like this one bit. Severus turns back to the person lying on the floor and walks towards him.

"The Dark Lord has an offer –" he says, his back to me.

"My answer is no."

"I thought so," Severus sighs, walking even closer to the person on the floor, "it's a pity really…"

I tip toe nearer, Severus casts _Crucio _again.

"Severus _stop_!"

He freezes, the spell stopping instantly. The man on the ground shudders more violently, his breaths raspy. I think I know him but I'm not sure. Severus doesn't look at me, but from his demeanour, I can tell that he is crying. Why? He's torturing somebody and _he's_ the one who's crying?

"Severus?" It is clear what I mean. He slowly pulls up his sleeve and bears his Dark Mark; it twists on his body, as if moving. I recoil.

"It _makes_ me, Lily."

"But your Occlumency –"

"Is weak, I am weak."

He points his wand at himself and casts some kind of hex, clearly causing pain. I rush to his side. I can still hear the clamour of the fighting raging behind us.

"Severus _please_. I know what I said before but I want to help in some way. You're – you're hurting in so many ways and – and Severus I just… You don't have to do this, you don't have to cause so much suffering, you don't have to punish yourself anymore. Please, Sev, listen to me. I understand –"

He looks up at me darkly.

"Have you ever wanted to hurt someone, Lily? Have you ever thought of spilling another's blood on purpose? To watch them scream with pain, watch the terror twist their faces and to see life leave their eyes?" he draws back, his eyes glazed over, looking distant as if I weren't there at all, "you haven't. And you never will because you are good right down to your core. And so for that reason, my dear, I think you'll find that you _don't_ understand, you never have understood and doubtless it will be forever beyond your comprehension."

His eyes soften for a moment, "don't you see? We cannot be friends; we cannot keep on with this charade of longing and looking to the past, searching for something that simply isn't there. We won't be any happier by looking back. The only way is forwards. I have chosen my way, you have chosen yours… With _him_," he says bitterly, the coldness resuming his conduct.

"Do you still love me Severus?" I ask the sound of the battle dulling behind me. I don't why I ask; the words just seem to tumble out of my mouth.

"No," he says, expressionless, "would it make a difference if I did?"

"Perhaps…" I murmur, lost in old emotions and memories, "I thought I'd forgotten all about you, let you go. I keep telling myself that the Severus I see isn't my Severus anymore. He's changed. But it doesn't matter whatever I tell myself because every time I picture your face, I see _him_. The boy who thought he could conquer the world, the boy who was destined for great things beyond his warring parents, the boy who has so much faith in me, the boy who laughed, the boy who wasn't afraid… and I wonder, whatever happened? Where did I go so wrong? Why does everything I try to hold onto break and deteriorate? Why does everyone I hold dear _leave_? And it _hurts_, Sev. I know I should hate you but I can't. This was never about James over you; this was about the dark arts over me."

He looks at me, clear pain in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

He Disapparates, leaving me cold and alone. I thought I had changed, that he had changed, and that we had changed. I suppose it doesn't matter how much things change, they always stay the same.


	48. Moving on

**A/N:**** Hello. I was going to be prepared and have several chapters ready but no.. anyway, I hope you've had a lovely week and I'm sorry that I kept you waiting (if you were waiting at all, that is). Thank you so much for sticking with me, reading, following, favourite-ing and reviewing. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**I don't own HP, J K Rowling does, we do this every single chapter so for future reference: I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER AND I NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL. There. Oh and Happy Birthday Hermione Jean Granger for yesterday! **

**Have a beautifully wonderful day full of joy and books (I'm a little hyper). **

**Sorry, I'm going to shut up now. **

**(And in advance I apologise for the repetitive nature of this chapter and to all Snily sympathisers and shippers - I have officially crushed that possibility. I will say no more.)**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

We're back from the battle, in a campsite near Northampton, a lot of us are critically injured but none of us actually _died_. I'm starting to think we're invincible or something. I'm sitting in a tent, with Lily. Lily has her back to me, she said she was going to get some sleep but I know she's crying silently. And I also know why. There's only one person who I know of that warrants this kind of reaction – Snivellus and I'm angry about it because if she can't let go… well, I've had it up to here with that git.

"Lily?" I say, tapping her shoulder, she stiffens slightly at my touch, "look, Lils. This is one of those times when I need to talk about something honestly with you. You're unhappy Lily and don't try to tell me differently. You've been unhappy for a while and I know why… I just. I don't know how to make you happy anymore. I want you to be cheerful and witty like _my_ Lily and I get that shit has happened to us both but I feel as if you don't care anymore –"

"Don't care? James, it's completely the opposite." Lily turns around to face me; her face hardened a little, "I care too much, that's the problem. A lot of stuff happened today and I need some time to think. I love you James and I know what Snape is… but you've got to let me work through this by myself. It's my lesson to learn, not yours. He's _not_ a good guy and I'm not trying to make out that he is but he is one of the only things that remain of my childhood and because my parents are dead and my sister has ostracized me, I have a hard time letting go. Just trust that I will. He doesn't want my help, he isn't on my side, and he isn't my friend anymore. Somewhere – somewhere inside me I know that but I'm never going to be able to accept it if people keep pushing me to believe this and to believe that. I've had enough, okay? I'm not perfect and my faith in Snape is damaging to me and to everyone around me. I think the problem is that I would never do to him what he has done to me and I just can't get my head around the fact that he – or anyone for that matter – would do such a thing.

"I wish people would stop making assumptions about me. You understand me, James but sometimes it's like you don't know me at all. I know I'm not the worst off in the world and so I'm going to tell you this objectively. This is fact: I've been tortured many times, I was tortured today, and I watched somebody else be tortured today. Snape once tortured me, called me a Mudblood and betrayed me. The Death Eaters have cut me and harmed me both physically and mentally. Some people say that strong people pick themselves back up and come out stronger and then automatically they're alright again – that's not true. I'm not going to be happy until I get to grips that I can't trust Snape. I can't get to grips with it until I'm strong enough to accept it. I don't feel very strong – I'm vulnerable right now and the last thing I need is for you to say that I don't care. I'm sick and tired of people who know nothing about me making assumptions about my choices. I love you James and I always will. Of that I am certain."

"I get that it's hard but I just don't know how to make you happy –"

"It's not your job to make me happy, you love me and that's enough – more than enough. I don't deserve you, James Potter."

"That is _so_ not true."

"Well I disagree," she says, shuffling closer.

"Isn't a relationship supposed to make you happy?"

"You misunderstand me, you do make me happy but it's not your responsibility to make sure that I am always happy."

"It's just, you always say that you're going to get over him and move on but it hasn't happened yet, so what makes this time so different?"

"Because now I've seen him fighting _for_ the Death Eaters and maybe that doesn't seem like such a big thing but believe me, it makes a difference. Then there's the fact that he didn't contradict me when I said that this was never about you over him, but the Dark Arts over me… That battle really put things into perspective for me. I have gotten to know Emmeline better and she's actually very friendly which made my opinion of her change dramatically and I duelled some Death Eaters which was very satisfying... Anyway it's not some earth shattering epiphany but it was enough to make me rethink. I can't tell you that I hate him, or anyone for that matter but I'm starting to get to grips with it."

"Sometimes I wish you were one of those people who when somebody hurt them more than once, they forget about for the rest of their lives."

"Well I'm not one of those people and I happen to have a basic level of trust –"

"It wasn't trust of Snape; it was being ignorant and blind –"

"True," she sighs, "I suppose I failed Oscar Wilde, you know, '_the only sin is stupidity_'?"

"It wouldn't be fair of me to judge you for that."

"Well you know how I feel, James. The question is - do I make _you_ happy?"

"Seriously? I've loved you for Merlin knows how long, of course you make me happy – or at least you being happy makes me happy and you loving me makes me happy. So you're really going to try and move on now?"

"Of course, it's about time anyway. I've put you and everybody through so much already."

We lie side by side in silence for a few hours. I have a lot to think about. She must mean what she says… Lily isn't dishonest by nature. I know this can't be easy for her but their friendship pretty much fell apart in fifth year; she just didn't want to accept it. Since then Snivellus managed to manipulate her into caring about him and making her think that he still _cares_ about her. Well he might have some creepy obsession with her but if he truly cared about her, he wouldn't have chosen the Dark Arts over her, he wouldn't have abandoned her when she needed him most, he wouldn't have let me take her body when she was bleeding almost to death and he definitely wouldn't become right hand man to Voldemort. I mean Lily's a Muggle-Born, why would anyone supposedly "in love" with her join a racist cause like that of Voldemort's? It makes no sense and I think Lily is finally starting to see that. It's just a shame it took her so many years to realise. Lily isn't stupid or helpless by any means, but sometimes she needs to be pushed a little in order to see things as they really are. Left to her own devices, I'm sure Lily would be perfectly happy to believe that everything in the world was good and that everybody was as loving and trusting as she is. I think this war forced people like Lily to see the harsh reality of people's true natures sooner than they would otherwise. Sometimes people don't act out of love, but out of hatred, anger, jealously, grief. Lily's been through an awful lot and it's not fair how things have panned out but I will do my best for her, as she does for me. It might not look that way to other people, but nobody's relationship is the same as another's. Lily understands me like no one else and I would follow her anywhere. Now that I'm with her, I can't imagine life without her and I'm sure she feels the same way – that's what makes this is all so _right_.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I told James my finally accepting the truth of my relationship (or lack thereof) with Snape was no earth shattering epiphany – and it wasn't earth shattering but it _was_ an epiphany. It happened all of a sudden, like the epiphany of the soul and I just had this instinct, something I can't quite explain that I shouldn't trust Snape, that he didn't feel the same way. I've given him so many chances to explain or to change but he hasn't and I don't think he ever will. I've made excuses for him, tried to justify his treatment of me and others but there are some things I will never be able to forget, there are some things that are inexcusable. He was driving me to the point of insanity and I should never have listened to his so called apologies, his supposed repentance… he lied. He lied and I believed him. He never used to lie to me… or so I thought. I thought I knew how to tell when he lied but he got better at hiding things from me, even from himself. I gave him one last chance and all he had to say was "I'm sorry". Well I'm sorry – sorry I didn't see through him sooner. No, I won't let him hurt me this way anymore. James deserves better, he does everything he can to help me and I do everything I can to help him. If I can't forget Snape for myself, then I shall forget him for James. I've held on too long. I began to realise that as we were talking earlier – he's changed too much. It was too much to handle. I didn't want to be the one to finish it – and I wasn't. He finished it years and years ago. It was over before I thought it had begun.

I get up out of the tent, telling James that I want to find Alice, Marlene, other Alice and Emmeline. I walk out into the middle of the campsite – a fire is going in the middle, giving the forest a warm glow. It should feel comforting, and in any other circumstance it probably would but after today, the atmosphere is heavily tainted with dour. They're all sitting around the campfire, talking quietly to add to the sombre ambiance. To my surprise, Dorcas is sitting next to Alice, the two smiling and laughing together. Weird, what the hell have I missed? I sit down between Emmeline and Marlene. I turn to Marlene as Emmeline chats to Alice Longbottom.

"What's with Dorcas and Alice?"

"Oh, apparently," Marlene whispers, "Dorcas dumped Amos as soon as she heard about the letter mix-up. Turns out he played her too. Alice said they spent the whole of Patrols talking about what a dick he is."

"Ah…"

"What about you and Emmeline?"

"Um, I was wrong about her. She's lovely, actually."

"See?" Marlene grins, "I knew you'd come round. Emmy's really nice once you get to know her."

"How are you, though? Did you run into Death Eaters?"

"Didn't I just? He was a bit of an imbecile, no idea what he was doing. One Jelly Legs jinx and he was done."

"He didn't work out that the counter curse is just 'unjelify'?"

"Nope, he made me feel so smart about life. Have you seen Wormy?"

"No. Wasn't he with Frank?"

"Yes, but Frank came back ages ago."

"Maybe he went straight home?"

"To Melanie?"

"Who knows?"

"Moving on from that, Remus said that he and James saw Regalus."

"They did?"

"Yeah, I'm dreading having to tell Sirius. He'll ask of course and he'll be so… -you know? - Broken. I never know what to say to him, it's like when your parents died and I had absolutely no idea what to say to you. He just shuts himself in his room and doesn't come out for days, or he'll go off by himself and won't talk to me when he comes back."

"Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it."

"You can't keep everything inside, Lil. I worry about him is all and I worry about you too. Rumour has it you ran into Snivellus today."

"I always wondered where you got your information from, would you care to divulge?"

"Not a chance," Marlene smirks, "but you're not responding to my statement on your meeting Snivellus."

"Well there's not much to say, other than I realised he's a coward who lied to me."

"You mean you didn't know already?" Marlene mocks disbelief, "aw, come on Lil, I'm only teasing. You know Alice and I said all along that Snape was trouble but would you listen? No. The Marauders have been telling you for years the amount of things he's done, but would that stop you? No. It's a wonder you're still alive really –"

"I get it, I've messed up. It's not like you've done everything right and perfect all your life."

"Excuse me; I'll have you know that I am considered perfect by many people –"

"Which people?"

"Well there was that guy from Ravenclaw, I believe his exact words were 'Marlene, you are the most perfect, sexiest, woman I have ever met', then there was that guy we met in the Three Broomsticks, you know, the one who was really tall and had blonde hair? He told me that my breasts –"

"Whoa, _way_ too much information."

"Wait until I get onto my sixth year boyfriends," she whistles, "now they really knew foreplay."

"I'm alright actually."

"Aw, look at you getting all uncomfortable," she says, grinning, "you're adorable Lily."

"I am not adorable," I scowl at her.

"Not with that face, you're not. Anyway," she sighs, "I may as well relish these happy moments whilst I'm still alive."

"Marlene," I whine, "stop with the melodramatic defeatist talk. Why is everybody so… so… argh. I don't know how to phrase it."

"You're one to talk, in case you hadn't noticed, we're in the middle of a war. I can't exactly be optimistic about our chances –"

"We can at least _hope_."

"Hope?" she huffs, "so much for hope. What good is that? It's not like we can stroll up to Voldemort and say 'hey, we're insanely outnumbered and our population is decreasing at a humongous rate but that doesn't matter, because we've decided to defeat you with _hope_'. When has optimism made any difference? Don't get your hopes up and you won't be let down."

"You sound like Alice. No, worse, you sound like Severus. Alice would never talk like that, even when she is feeling negative. I know that hope isn't going to win us this war but just accepting defeat is going to make us _lose_. We joined the Order because we wanted to make a difference, because we knew that this might not work out but it's better than sitting inside watching our world burn around us. Yeah, things don't look good for us. Hell, I'm starting to lose faith myself but I'm never going to accept defeat. Failure is not an option anymore. You might not think so, but I still think we have a chance, however minute that chance is. Don't give up now, Mar. We need you, I need you."

"You really think we can do this?"

"Absolutely."

"Then… I suppose there's no harm in carrying on. I mean what have we got to lose?"

"Exactly, there's my best friend."

She smiles at me, somewhat sadly.

"I'm really going to miss you –"

"No, stop it," I warn her teasingly, "from now on, we can be positive together."

"Oh _yay_!" she says, obviously forcing a smile before smiling for real.

I think the love between friends is heavily underrated.

**A/N:**** Did her getting over him sound too forced? Sorry, sorry, shutting up now.**


	49. Family Isn't Blood

**A/N:**** Sorry this is late... **

**Thank you for your support, as you know, it's much appreciated! I hope you enjoy this chapter, I had writer's block (and I still kind of do) so it's good I pre-wrote this one. **

**Anyway, have a lovely day and enjoy!**

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

The love between friends is seriously over-rated. Forget Narcissa. Her incessant anxiety and condescension is irritating. She might be a Malfoy but that doesn't make her the boss of everyone and everything. It is not her business how I go about winning over Dumbledore, it is not of her concern how I infiltrate the Order and it's certainly none of that meddlesome, interfering, officious –

"Severus?"

Narcissa, breathless, catches up with me and hurries to keep to my brisk pace. I walk faster, studiously ignoring her.

"Severus, listen to me! Stop walking away – and… _Severus_. It's really very rude, come on, I just meant – Severus… Severus!"

She pulls on the sleeve of my robe. I shove her off; she stumbles but is at my side again in a second. Why can't I get rid of her?

"… and you can't just expect for everything to magically work out! You need a plan and – Severus! Slow down… _Listen_ to me –"

We turn down a street and onto Diagon Alley. Narcissa is still following me.

"No, Narcissa, you listen to me," I snarl, "I don't need your help."

She looks back at me, her blue eyes conveying anger and hurt. She draws herself up, into the disposition she reserves for people, in her regard, under her station. I stare back at her levelly. It will take more than that to intimidate me.

"Very well, if that is what you think. In time, I'm sure you will find yourself very much mistaken," she glowers at me.

"Oh, I doubt it," I hiss.

With one last look of contempt, she saunters away, the crowd drawing back from her in recognition of her status.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

We arrive at Potter's Cottage in the early evening. Sirius is waiting at the gate, apprehensive but happy to see us. Once inside, we recount all the events of the previous night. Sirius doesn't sit down throughout the whole affair – he stays standing, sometimes pacing.

"And my brother?" Sirius asks both worriedly and impatiently.

"I'm sorry Padfoot," Remus says.

Sirius nods, looking at the floor, as if he had expected this answer.

"But he's…?"

"Still alive," James says.

"Did he, you know…?"

"Kill anyone? I don't know."

"Oh."

Sirius turns away and walks out of the room.

"Poor Sirius," Alice murmurs.

"He knew. He knew Regulus was one of them. I guess he just wanted to be sure. They haven't spoken since he left Hogwarts," Marlene says, looking at the door where Sirius had exited.

"Does he speak about him to you?" James asks.

"No," she replies, "we don't talk of his family much at all, unless it's to acknowledge what prejudiced bastards they all are."

James and Remus smile weakly.

"I wish there was something we could do," Alice says.

"There isn't," I feel the words leave my mouth, "when someone you love turns their back on you, there's isn't a thing in the world to make it easier."

"Maybe you should talk to him," Remus says suddenly.

"Why? What good could it do?"

"Well… you know what it's like…"

"Know what what's like? When someone you love decides you're not good enough? Yeah but my sister didn't join the darkest force of evil set on mass murder. Beside, everyone here has lost someone in one way or another. I'm no better qualified than anyone else."

"No but maybe you can reach him in a way that we can't. Please Lily."

"But Mar…" I trail off but Mar nods at me, as if giving permission for me to go after him.

I get up and go the way he left. I find him upstairs, sitting in the bathroom, his back against the bath tub. I slide down next to him.

"Hey."

"Hey," he looks at his shoes, his arms wrapped around his knees.

We say nothing for a while, him looking as if he's about to say something but then thinking better of it. I don't want to push him. At last, he breaks the silence.

"He was all I had, back home," his voice cracks, "I wouldn't even call that wretched hell hole home if it hadn't been for him. When I left at sixteen… I knew that it would mean I'd have to leave him. I don't regret leaving, I mean my Uncle Alphard left me a decent amount of money so I have a place of my own - I don't have to stick around Grimmauld Place often… but walking away from the only immediate family member who ever held any compassion for me was the worst thing I think I've ever had to do. It was hard and over time, I realised that he and I couldn't be brothers again, at least not in the way we used to be. He hates me, he'll never forgive me for leaving him behind and I don't blame him. I'll never forgive myself. Sometimes I think – I think I should have tried harder to make him see that our parents talked a load of shit, but he wouldn't have believed me. He thought they were wonderful and they thought the sun shined out of his ass. I mean, he was sorted into Slytherin for a start, became the Seeker for the Quidditch team, member of the Slug Club, agreed with everything they said and joined the Death Eaters when he was sixteen. The perfect son. He's only just out of Hogwarts for Merlin's sake! My parents aren't Death Eaters but… who knows what they're doing now? I don't care about any of them. I hate them all.

"I think if he'd been sorted into any other house than Slytherin, there might have been a chance…"

He swallows before continuing.

"But when you're surrounded by all these misconceptions and lies all the time, from your Housemates, your friends, your family… you start to doubt what you once thought. He's too far gone for me to reach him now. When we were in our sixth year, I watched him hex a Muggle-born. He didn't think twice, he just shot the spell right at her heart – she was in the Hospital Wing for days. I never thought he would do it, and definitely not with so much certainty. It was like seeing a whole new person and I can't help but wonder –"

"Where the person you loved and trusted went," I finish for him, my eyes wet.

"I never thought Severus would hurt me. Never in a million years. Even after our friendship ended… I knew he wouldn't hurt me but he did, again and again. I could never hurt him and that's where he and I are different. One day we were in a corridor and he bound me and took me to the Room of Requirement. He tortured me until my blood ran dry. I can still feel it sometimes, the pain. It plays in my mind and every time I see him –"

"It's like seeing two different people."

We look at each other, tears streaming down both of our faces.

"Look at us," Sirius says, trying to smile, "we're a mess."

"I know," I reply.

We sit together, leaning against a bath tub, the burden I'd been carrying for so long, finally feeling a little lighter.

* * *

"…and then," Sirius says, laughing, "He ran out down the hall with mum's bra on his head. He didn't notice until we got to the station."

"James is such an idiot sometimes," I grin, giggling with him.

"Oh! There was this one time when we convinced Wormtail that he was cursed. Everything he touched would turn to stone and we put levitating charms on him all day and nobody could take them off – he just started drifting out of classrooms… It was so funny, we didn't take the charms off until he ended up stuck in the Astronomy Tower, having turned the doors and windows to stone."

"How did I not know about all of this?"

Sirius shrugs, "Prongs thought it would be better if you didn't know. You should have heard the way he talked about you in fifth year – like you were some kind of goddess. What with all of us under one roof, I'm surprised you didn't notice."

I look down at my hands, "I tried my best not to notice him at all."

"And look how that worked out," Sirius snorts.

"Did he really talk about me that much?"

"Yeah, all the Merlin-damned time! Drove us all crazy. By the end of sixth year, I was pulling my hair out. Your interactions, thought often amusing and witty, were so full of UST, I was surprised you didn't just start pulling each other's clothes off."

"UST?"

"Unresolved Sexual Tension, it's the foundation of all great love stories."

"Oh. Admittedly, I was a bit worried and unsettled by the whole thing… no guy had ever looked at me like he did –"

"Are you blind? There were many guys, believe me."

"Are you sure you're not just imagining it?"

"I'm sure Lily. Then again, whenever Prongs caught a guy looking at you, he would beat them to a pulp. Nobody would ever have dared ask you out, not when the threat of Prongs' wrath stares them in the face."

I laugh, "James has no wrath."

"Oh believe me, he does. Didn't you ever notice people staring at you?"

"I always thought they were staring at Mar."

"As stunning as Marlene is, you got some attention too. You know, I think you are quite possibly one of the nicest and bravest human beings I have ever met."

"Thanks but I'm not very nice and I'm certainly not very brave. You're brave, James is brave…"

"There are different kinds of bravery. You married Prongs; if that's not bravery then I don't know what is."

"Enough about me, you know Mar talked about you a lot."

"She did?"

"Yeah, constantly. How she thought you were 'the one', how you make her better, how much she loves you… She loved you long before you ever knew."

"Weird, I can't imagine her saying any of that whilst we were at Hogwarts."

"Why not?"

"Because she was so like me – I'd never say I loved somebody, even now… I suppose that I just don't see the point of promising somebody something that's so unreliable. That's what love is, right? A promise and what happens to promises? They get broken."

"Padfoot… that's not true. Sometimes love doesn't work but Mar would never –"

"I'm not talking about Mar! I'm talking about me!"

"What do you mean?"

"I care about her; I have strong feelings for her but love? I don't know."

"She loves you, you know that and I'm sure I've heard you say it back –"

"_Say it back_ and that's all it is! Words. They mean nothing. Truth be told, I'm shit scared Lily. You and Prongs, you've always had it easy –"

"That is _so_ not true. We may talk a lot but there are hundreds of miscommunications. Despite how much he's changed, he's still obnoxious at times, I get caught up in myself and my grief, we hardly see each other because of all the work we're doing for the Order and whenever we do spend a lot of time together, we argue."

"But you love him?"

"There is absolutely nothing neither he nor anyone else could do to make me love him less."

"I know I act like I'm confident and that I know what I'm doing but –"

"Sirius, we're what? Nineteen? Nobody knows what they're doing. You just feel like crap right now, I'm sure you'll be back to your usual infuriating cocksure self soon. Although, it's good to know you have some depth to you."

"Now, now, Lily-flower, isn't it a great ignorance to think that people are less complex than they are?"

"See? You're back already."

"Damn right. Do you ever think that people forget things too easily? Everything is so flimsy and temporary. In eighty or so years, nobody'll remember us."

"So? As long as _we_ remember, who cares? I remember when Marlene punched you in fifth year."

Sirius groans, "Now that's one thing I would like to forget… why can't people let these things go? It's the hedgehog thing all over again."

"Mar and Al still tease me about Snape kissing me _years_ ago."

"Oh yeah, I remember that… Prongs was fuming for days afterwards. I don't blame him and you were just as bad when Prongs was snogging Melanie –"

"Not my finest hour, I'll agree. James and I are quite jealous people and that's not good."

"Marlene and I… well if I caught her with someone else, I don't know what I'd do. I might be angry, I might just walk away, I might shout in her face, I might be upset… I just worry that if I see her with someone else, I won't care at all. Surely if you love someone, then they have the power to hurt you and if her being with someone else didn't hurt me, then I can't love her, right?"

"I don't think it works quite like that. You can't measure love with pain."

"I think you can. My parents disown me, so what? I never cared anyway –"

"Sirius…"

"Don't Lily, don't say that they're family and that I should love them anyway."

"Well at least your parents are still alive!"

He is quiet for a moment.

"Not to me, Lily. The minute they turned their backs on me, I knew that was that. We aren't related anymore. I have a family: you're my family, Prongs is my family, the Marauders are my family. Don't you see? Family isn't blood."

"I suppose not."

"You know, it always used to befuddle me that a guy like Prongs would fall for you."

"Well _thanks_."

"No, no, hear me out. You were always pretty and then you became hot in fifth year – that's the truth, don't give me that look –but Prongs dated plenty of pretty girls and whilst there was a wit and air about you that reminded me a little of myself, there wasn't a clear reason as to what made you so special. Then… then I got to know you. I was surprised that you fell in love with him, what with his reputation being what it was. I was worried for you, I mean Prongs is the best but I didn't like the idea of him messing you around. Moony thought a lot of you, still does and so when you came to live with us, I wasn't overly sceptical. I mean the idea of having the girl Prongs has been obsessed with since fifth year living in our house didn't exactly thrill me, but I got used to it. I just want you to know that even though I give you hell and drive you insane, I couldn't ask for a better sister."

"You didn't have to worry about him messing me about… That's really sweet Sirius. You know I love you, as a sibling of course," I add, noting his confusion.

"Okay, I've had enough of this touchy-feely stuff. Um, this remains between the two of us, right?"

"Of course, I won't tell even James."

He sighs, relieved, "Good, can't have them thinking I've gone soft."

He jumps up and he gets to the door before he pauses and turns around.

"Thanks, Lil."

"Anytime," I smile at him, my regard of him altered, my love for him stronger.


	50. Happy Halloween!

**A/N:**** So here it is - the 50th chapter on the anniversary of Jily's death. I don't usually manage to upload chapters on meaningful dates so yay for me. Thank you so much for the support, the favourites, follows, reviews - everything. This story is spiralling into something much larger than I thought - when I started drafting this I thought it would be 40 chapters at the most. It looks like it won't be done by November so I apologise for that. **

**Enjoy it, even though this chapter isn't as good as I wanted it to be seeing as this is quite an important event in the timeline of my writing this. I had writer's block, still do but I will try and write more often.**

**Anyway, thank you so so so much.**

**Oh and Happy Halloween! Whatever your plans are, I hope you have a good day. **

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

OCTOBER 1979

* * *

"…so I'm thinking full-out Halloween party with costumes, booze, the lot."

Padfoot is planning his annual Halloween party. They were always popular at Hogwarts and he's determined that this one will be the best yet. Last year's was cancelled due to Order business but this year, we're free so Padfoot is pulling out all the stops to compensate for our Padfoot Halloween party deprivation. Despite what it may look like to outsiders, we Marauders take a great deal of time in delicately planning every detail of our parties. We have a reputation to uphold, after all. True, they usually get out of hand and you get a load of drunken couples being couples everywhere which sucks if you have no one to get drunk with, but you know… that's part of the fun of being an adult. We're all about nineteen now which is crazy because a few years ago we were small eleven year olds starting Hogwarts. Now we're in the middle of a war.

"What's the theme?"

"Wormtail. Come on. 31st October, what do you think the theme is?" Padfoot groans.

"Oh, right! But how is 'Halloween' a theme? That's like having a Christmas themed party or a birthday themed party or a wedding themed party or a funeral themed –"

"Nobody would go to a funeral themed party. Oh, hang on, how about we have a room with a graveyard theme?"

"I never know what to wear to parties," Wormtail says miserably.

"It's Halloween, dress up as anything you want."

"What're you dressing up as?"

"Some kind of sexy vampire or god or some shit."

"I might be a pumpkin."

"Not again, Wormtail," I cut in, "how many times have we told you? Pumpkin costumes are neither attractive nor original."

"I'm not going for attractive or original."

"Well that's alright then but as far as anyone else is concerned, we don't know you."

"C'mon guys! It's not that bad."

"Why don't we do matching costumes again," Moony suggests quickly.

"But why?" Padfoot whines, "I_ hate_ matching costumes. Remember when we tried to be The Beatles?"

"Still no idea who they are," Wormtail mutters.

"I was going to be Harrison!"

"No, you wanted to be McCartney. I was Harrison."

"Wormtail was Ringo –"

"I was not!"

"Then who were you?"

"Some guy called lemon or something."

"No, Prongs was Lennon. You were Ringo!"

"No, Moony was Ringo!"

"No, I was Harrison!"

"GUYS!" I shout, shutting them up, "Clearly The Beatles failed. Why don't we try to be individual for once?"

"I call Merlin," Moony says.

"What do Muggles wear on Halloween, Prongs?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I'll ask Lily. LILY!"

Lily pokes her head around the door.

"Yes?"

"What do Muggles wear on Halloween?"

"They wear costumes too just slightly different. Witches, wizards, characters from books and films, devils, trolls, traditionally it's something scary but nowadays, people just dress up as any old thing."

"Easy, I'll be a wizard. No dressing up required."

She raises her eyebrows.

"What? Moony's going to be Merlin."

"Really?" she says.

"What are you going to dress up as?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll be a mermaid or something."

"Mermaids aren't terrifying."

"Fine, then I'll be a siren."

"Terrifying and beautiful," I say, "kind of sounds like you."

She punches my arm playfully.

"I'm going to go out and see Mar, Al, Alice, Dorcas, Emmeline and that lot. I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

AT ALICE AND FRANK LONGBOTTOM'S APARTMENT

* * *

"…a gorgeous apartment here, Alice, it's so spacious."

"Thank you, Lil. Frank and I worked hard on it although we might be looking at something larger soon," she says.

"Really?"

"Mhm-hm, it feels a little soon but you know – we talked about it and it's what we both want so…"

"Precisely, that's exactly what I've been saying. No one thinks I'm ready to be a mother yet, what with everything that's been going on but I know that there may never be a 'right time' –"

"Yes! You've no idea how it feels to know that someone else feels the same way."

At that moment, Marlene rushes into the room, Dorcas and Emmeline following, out of breath.

"Oh hey Mar," I say, smiling.

"Hi," she says, breathless, "can't talk much, just got a call… Death Eaters sited only a few hundred miles from here…"

"Why didn't you Apparate then send a Patronus?" I ask, whilst summoning my coat and following the others out of the door of the apartment, Alice re-casting the wards.

"I can't Apparate, I tried Apparating to Al's but she wasn't there. No message, no sign of where she's gone, I managed to lose my eyelashes on the way back and lost my toenails. Best not to try again… oh where can she have gone? She goes travelling a lot but she's never gone this long –"

"She'll be back soon, she always is."

"But it was straight after that incident, with the Fiendfyre, what if she got burned or ran into some trouble?"

"I don't know! We can work this out… I sent her a few letters but you know how she is, she likes her solitude. She's only been gone a couple of months, I'm sure she'll come back soon."

"And if she doesn't?"

"Then we go and find her."

"Promise?"

"Of course, but right now, we need to find those Death Eaters."

We Apparate to the location Mar tells us, Mar Apparating alongside me. What am I going to do? We _need_ Al, as a warrior and as a friend. It's always been me, Mar and Al – for as long as I can remember having friends. It doesn't feel right without her. Where can she have gone? Mar's right, she's never gone this long usually… and Wormy's away a lot too recently. I can't think of where he goes either, he's been acting very odd recently – very twitchy. I think the war is getting to him; it's getting to us all - the doubt, the fear, the blood, the death and the pain. He doesn't much like fighting or violence, I don't blame him. He definitely doesn't like being caught up in the middle of fighting and violence. Al told me once that he doesn't feel brave like his friends, he feels like a coward and that he doesn't want to fight. I've seen Wormy in class and don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful guy but he's not a very skilled spell-caster. His reaction times are slow, his spells are weak and he's not very good at holding his ground. Unlike James, Remus and Sirius, he has a propensity to give up sometimes. I worry about him, I worry that this war will be more than he can handle.

"Lily, look over there!" I look to where Dorcas is pointing; a thick cloud of smoke trails off into the horizon, a bright orange glare beneath it. More fire.

"Let's do this."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Guys, I might not be able to make Halloween this year," Wormtail says. We look at him, astounded.

"You already have plans?"

"Is that so surprising?"

"Well, yeah. This is our thing, the thing we all do together," Padfoot says, "I just don't understand what could be more important than your friends. You're away a lot, more than the rest of us, we hardly see you. Seriously, what's going on?"

"_Nothing_ is going on."

"Then why can't you spend just a couple of hours with us now and then?"

"Who's up for a game of exploding snap?" Moony asks, saving Wormtail from Padfoot's exasperation.

"I'll play, Moony. You in, Padfoot?"

"Not if he's playing."

"Come on, don't be childish."

"_I'm_ being childish? I want to know where Wormtail's been all year, come on, what's the big secret? Fess up."

"Just leave him alone, Padfoot –"

"No, I won't. Is it a girl? Not Melanie, I'll bet."

"Just stuff – stuff for the Order," Wormtail mumbles, his face red, his eyes staring at the floor.

"I don't believe that –"

"Why not?" Wormtail bursts out, "I wouldn't expect you to understand it anyway; you never thought I'd amount to anything, did you? I was just the stupid one that went along with everything you guys did with no mind of my own."

"Wormtail, that's not true," I say.

"Isn't it? I know that's what everyone thinks and I'm tired of being stepped on and walked all over."

Wormtail gets up and leaves; I hear the door slamming behind him. Moony and I both simultaneously turn to Padfoot with pointed looks.

"What? I'm not apologising."

"He's upset."

"Not my problem."

"He's your friend."

"He was."

"Padfoot…"

Padfoot looks conflicted for just a moment before sighing and getting up out of his chair.

"I really hate you two sometimes."

Once he's left, Moony turns to me.

"Alice has been gone a while, right?"

"Um, yes… why?"

"No reason it's just, Wormtail's gone a lot, Alice is gone a lot –"

"Woah, I really don't think Alice and Wormtail are together."

"You don't know that."

"Well why would you think that they would be together?"

"They spend a lot of time together, they're sometimes away at the same time, don't you think that sounds slightly suspicious?"

"No, it doesn't. You're just paranoid."

"Maybe I am. How are you and Lily?"

"We're fine, more than fine actually."

"Oh?"

"We've been talking about having a baby."

"Really? That's amazing."

"Well, it's what we both want and it just feels right, you know?"

"Yeah. I'm proud of you Prongs."

"Why?"

"I don't know; you've matured a lot. You're going to be a great dad."

"That's weird, thinking of myself as a dad. I know that everything's all tense now but you'll still be around, right? Padfoot's in his own apartment a lot more than he's with me and Lils which is fine but I feel as though we're all drifting apart –"

"Don't worry Prongs, we're Marauders, we stick together."

"No matter what?"

"No matter what."

* * *

31ST OCTOBER 1979

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Okay, done," Padfoot says, looking around his apartment with an expression of pure satisfaction.

The decorations are incredible, pumpkins; candles, skeletons; gravestones, cobwebs and other ghoulish articles adorn the walls, ceiling and floor. Magical mist drifts over the floor and around the rooms, creating a slightly hazy atmosphere. Padfoot's set up a bar, a dancing area with music that vibrates and resonates through every fibre of his apartment and a few rooms for couples. Coloured lights flash everywhere; it's like looking through a kaleidoscope. The whole apartment has had a silencing charm cast on it and plenty of concealment charms – from the other side of his front door; you wouldn't know anything was happening inside.

"It looks amazing, if I do say so myself."

"Guests are arriving from about eight."

"Cool, I'll get my costume on and be right back."

"Okay. I've decided to go with sexy vampire."

"So black jeans, black shirt and black shoes with fangs?"

"Absolutely, Prongs. What about you?"

"Seeing as Lily is going to be a siren, I'm going to be a pirate."

"Matching costumes?"

"If we were wearing matching costumes, she'd be a pirate too."

"Or you'd be a mermaid, can you imagine that? Hell, I would do anything to see you in a mermaid costume."

"Not a mermaid, a _siren_ and sirens are all female anyway."

"You'd fit right in."

"Alright, hedgehog boy, don't get ahead of yourself."

"Is that all you've got, ye scurvy dog?"

"Oh you wish, you bald mouse."

"What?"

"It's French you uncultured corpse."

"Thou hast declared war!"

"En garde!"

We mock fencing, me with a plastic sword, him with the arm of a skeleton.

"Um James? Sirius? What the hell are you doing?"

We turn around, to see Lily standing there wearing the most beautiful dress I've ever seen. It flows from the top and pools in waves made of fabric at her feet, it shimmers and is a green/blue sea kind of colour. In any case, she is dazzling.

"You know what? I don't want to know what you were doing. Alice is coming to your party; she just got back yesterday so I hope that's okay. Oh and Mar wanted me to tell you that she's going to be staying with her parents for a few months so don't send any dirty messages because her parents are frail and the last thing they need is to die of shock. Where can I put this?"

She holds up a large cardboard box.

"What is that?" Padfoot asks.

"Food mostly, Remus helped me make cauldron cakes and the Longbottoms made some pumpkin punch which they asked me to deliver to you."

"The kitchen is fine."

"Great," she walks off in the direction of the kitchen.

"Prongs?"

"Did you see her?"

"Yes, you look a little stunned."

"Yeah… any word from Wormtail?"

"What do you think?"

"So that's a no."

"Oh well, we'll be just fine without him."

"How are you and Marlene?"

"Good, her family's a little worried about their security – they're a potential target zone now that they're known blood traitors so I don't see her so much anymore. The idea being that if it's easy for me to find her, then it's easy for the Death Eaters to find her as well."

"But she's coming to the party?"

"Hell yeah, she said that she wouldn't miss it for the world."

"What's her costume?"

"Sexy vampire."

"Let me get this straight, you mock me for having kind of matching costumes with Lily but you and Marlene are exactly matching?"

"Well, she'll have a lot more skin on show –"

"I don't want to know. You're such a hypocritical bastard."

"I know – that's why you love me so much."

* * *

LATER THAT EVENING

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

The Halloween party is in full swing, it reminds me of our Hogwarts days. All of our old friends are here and some new ones as well. James looks handsome as per usual but it's been hard to catch him on his own thus far. Maybe I'll have more luck when Marlene affixes her lips to Sirius'. At the moment, I'm by the bar, observing the party.

"Hey Lily," I turn around to see Al.

"Hey! How are you doing?"

"Good, good. Listen, have you seen Peter?"

"Peter Pettigrew?"

"Yeah."

"He's not coming."

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Positive. Al, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine! Merlin Lily, just leave me alone."

She walks off into the crowd. Well that was weird. Why does she want to see Wormy so urgently? Maybe she likes him, I mean I know she _likes_ him but maybe it's more than like, maybe she and Peter are… no. She would have told me and Marlene. We tell each other everything.

"Evening," Remus smiles at me, a non-alcoholic beer in his hand.

"Evening," I say.

"Have you seen Alice?"

"Which one?"

"Smith."

"She just went that way," I gesture to the dance floor, "she seemed a little off –"

"One sec," he says, putting his beer down on the counter and making for the group of people dancing.

Why is everyone acting so weirdly tonight? I wonder if Remus and Al live together. By law, they're supposed to be engaged but they've been engaged for years now so I don't think they're going to get married. Besides, the Ministry has more pressing matters to deal with than if two people are going to get married or not. The Marriage Law is flimsy now, it means next to nothing.

"Lily," I turn to find Emmeline behind me.

"Who are you looking for?"

"Sorry?"

"Don't worry about it," I say dismissively, "It's just that everyone that's come up to me so far has been looking for somebody else."

"Well now that you mention it… have you seen Dorcas?"

"No, sorry. Why?"

"I just heard something and I thought that she should know."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine but Amos has got a new girlfriend."

"He has?"

"Yeah."

"What's she like?"

"I don't know, I've never met her."

"How do you think Dorcas is going to react?"

"Honestly? I'm not sure. I just worry about her, you know? She's got so much on her plate right now and I keep telling her that she should be more careful but you know how she is – she thinks she's invincible and all. It's just she and Amos had a pretty heavy relationship that was really intense but burned out quickly, if you know what I mean. I know that you probably don't have much sympathy for her, she did know that Amos was going out with Alice at the time but –"

"I don't blame her for anything. I mean, I'm not thrilled that she knowingly participated in an affair whilst Al was still crazy for Amos but it's not all her fault, and she has apologised –"

"I'm glad you understand. She's a good person, she really is. She just doesn't have the greatest taste in men."

"What about you, Emmeline, how are you?"

"I'm fine, oh don't look now but there's a really hot pirate looking your way."

I look over my shoulder and sure enough, James is staring at me - that grin on his face as he walks towards me.

"I think I'll go and find Marlene," Emmeline says, giving me a wink before disappearing.

"Well if it isn't the most gorgeous lady of the seven seas."

"You're not so bad yourself, captain."

"What do you say to some dancing?"

"I'd love to dance."

We make our way to the dance floor, hand in hand. The music slows down to a soft waltz; Sirius promised us one 'soppy romantic song' for all the couples. James leads - his dancing graceful and confident. He spins me outwards and as I spin back in, kisses me gently.

"What do you say we ditch this party and find somewhere a little more private?"

"I love the way you think," he whispers back.

James and I leave the dance floor (which is now animated by the sound of heavy rock). I like the way this Halloween is going.


	51. A Prophecy Is Told and Babies are Born

**A/N:**** I'll keep this short - thank you for reading, I'm sorry if you don't like it, have a good day and do something that will make you smile or better yet, make someone else smile.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

OCTOBER 1979

THE HOG'S HEAD INN

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

Well this is a _fantastic_ way to spend a weekend, spying on Dumbledore at a deteriorating and disgusting bar. The Firewisky smelt cheap and repulsive so I haven't touched it. In any case, the Dark Lord insisted, he seems to think something important is going to happen soon so I've been following Dumbledore around for a while. I suppose being in here is better than being out there, in the cold and the wet. He's meeting with some woman - Sylvia Tawny or something- about a teaching position at Hogwarts.

"Delightful to meet you Sybill… ah yes of course, Divination is certainly intriguing… really? I never knew… I don't think they serve tea here… of course, of course… absolutely, Hogwarts is perfect for that… I was wondering…"

Mindless drivel, why the Dark Lord sees this man as a threat, I really don't know. Has he got nothing better to do with his Saturday evenings than discuss the best place to buy liquorish allsorts? And this Sybill Trelawney, she's an eccentric to say the least. Tea leaves, omens, stars… Dumbledore doesn't seem very impressed, no surprise really, this one's obviously unfit for a teaching position. It's odd; I seem to distinctly remember Dumbledore saying that he was planning on discontinuing Divination.

"Well I think that's all, thank you Sybill, have a pleasant evening…"

Thank Merlin for that, Dumbledore's about to leave and it looks as though she won't be at Hogwarts any time soon. Wait, he's paused and sat back down again. What's wrong with that Trelawney woman? She's suddenly pale and her eyes are glassy. I strain my ears, trying to listen to what she is saying; her voice is raspy and quiet, thus making it difficult to hear anything with clarity.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, borns as the seventh month dies… and the Dark Lord will –"

"Oi, you," the barman marches over to where I'm eavesdropping, "What do you think you're doing?"

He abruptly shows me out. I'm a little dazed. Finally, something of interest! Oh the Dark Lord will be pleased once he hears this… Lily will be safe; I have uncovered something at last. Now, what exactly were her words? _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches_ but then she said that the Dark Lord will do something. What will he do? Will he die? Will he kill the One? At any rate, it looks as though a child born at the end of July to parents of the Light side will be able to defeat the Dark Lord. This is quite worrying… the prophecy is unfinished. Oh but Dumbledore thinks he's so clever but he's played right into our hands.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

A WOOD SOMEWHERE IN SCOTLAND

1980

30TH JANUARY (LILY'S 20th BIRTHDAY)

* * *

"For the last time, it was a Vereor! I was possessed by something evil – that doesn't make me evil or mentally unstable!"

"Alright, alright," James yelps as I kick him in the shin, "now close your eyes."

"James this is stupid. I hate surprises, especially during a war."

"You'll like this surprise," he assures me.

When I woke up this morning, in my tent, I found that the rest of the Order were gone. We held a meeting here in a different wood to discuss the recent turn of events – more and more wizards and witches are being attacked, tortured and murdered. The Ministry is corrupt with workers under the _Imperius_ curse and now we don't know who's good and who's a Death Eater. There's chaos left right and centre. The Muggle world is in turmoil, the death rates have never been so high and we're as close to finding a way to stop Voldemort as we are to discovering where Sirius left his game of exploding snap.

After a good ten minutes of angry and outraged argument, Albus managed to settle them all. He couldn't solve our problems just yet, we would simply have to be patient, keep studying, keep looking for patterns and if we only had a little faith and fought as hard as we could, we would be victorious. We have love on our side, we are the stronger force.

However, Sturgis Podmore had something to say (no surprise there). He said:

"If we're supposed to be the 'stronger force' then why haven't we got many supporters? Why has he got hundreds on his side? Why are we so Merlin-damned outnumbered? Hmm? If we've got love and the moral high ground or whatever you called it, then why aren't we getting anywhere? People are dying faster than we can recruit them. We're in the same place now as we were a year ago, worse perhaps."

There were murmurings of agreement and indignation from an unsettling number of Order members.

Then Hagrid spoke up.

"That's unfair, if yer don't mind me sayin' so. It ain't our fault people are easily misled," Hagrid said, a determined look in his eye though he kept his glance down, "some people are just afraid and some want a bit o' his power. I don't have any answers but I think whilst we 'aven't got a lot o' supporters, there ain't any other people out there I would rather have fightin' by my side."

We looked around at each other, our differences, failures and fear forgotten for a moment. Hagrid is right, of course. In the middle of all the blood and death, a lot of us - myself included- have forgotten what exactly we're fighting for. We have each other, which doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a hell of a lot more than Voldemort's got. He doesn't have friends, or love and one day, that weakness will get the better of him. One day, he will vanquish because of it. I just hope that that day comes soon because I don't know how long we can fight for before we fizzle out.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

The Order meeting was depressing. There were a lot of reports detailing deaths and disasters and not a lot of success. Padfoot's hedgehog encounter has been retold so many times; he's now the punch line of a lot of jokes within the Order. Padfoot is sour and doesn't talk much – which is unusual and slightly unnerving. However, despite the doom and gloom of last night's meeting, today is Lily's 20th birthday!

She wouldn't let me buy her a present, despite my incessant whining so I settled with a small celebration in the woods with all our friends and the Order members. Hagrid made the cake and Dumbledore provided the party hats. I'm leading Lily there now but she's not enthused with the mention of a surprise. I think it may have something to do with the fact that she didn't sleep well last night – probably the hormones, now that Lily is three months pregnant.

"Lily," I whine, "just close your eyes."

"Fine, but if you do something horrible to me, then you will seriously regret it for the rest of the foreseeable future, even if it doesn't sound like a very long future from the way that meeting went."

"Yeah, yeah, just shut up and _embrace_ the surprise."

"It's not for my birthday, is it?" she asks, somewhat reproachfully.

"No, it's for Christmas," I say sarcastically.

"James, I told you, I don't want a birthday present –"

"Open your eyes," I say and she does. I'm surprised she even kept her eyes closed at all but then again, Lily is one of the most trustworthy people I know.

"SURPRISE!" the Order choruses. McGonagall sets off a party popper. I grin and look at Lily, for once in what feels like forever, she's genuinely smiling with happiness – glowing with happiness, even.

"James!" she exclaims, "I can't believe you did this…"

She kisses me hard on the mouth; I feel light-headed and can't think straight for a few moments. She pulls away and goes to talk to some of her friends. I notice Molly and Arthur with the Weasley brood sat down in the glade.

McGonagall, Dumbledore and Hagrid did a brilliant job with the decorations. The glade is lit by candlelight that doesn't get blown out by the wind; the food floats around on trays – a special spell cast by Remus and banners of all colours have been strung in the trees. The party is lively, with dancing and songs (I think Dumbledore may have been a little tipsy, I won't go into detail but it turns out that squirrels and one man bands are not a good idea when next to fire). Lily stands in the middle of it all, her eyes lit up in delight and love. I'd do anything to see that look on her face more often. It's a look that says I've done something right, a look that tells me I've succeeded in making her happy – which is all I've ever wanted, for her to be happy. It doesn't matter to me anymore if she likes Snivellus, has a passion for collecting hideous teapots, can't make a cup of tea correctly (who puts the milk in first?) and has a slight obsession with knitting – she's my Lily and I love her for her quirks and imperfections – and certainly not in spite of them. I suppose that's what love is, knowing that somebody isn't perfect, knowing who they are truly, when they've let their guard down but loving them for it anyway. I know that I'd do anything for her, help her through grief, and give her somebody to lean on, listen to her intently and love her always. The best part is that I know she'd do the same for me.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

5TH JUNE 1980

MALFOY MANOR

* * *

Narcissa has just given birth to a boy – Draco Lucius Malfoy. As you can see, we are all thrilled. He has only been alive a few hours and he's spent every waking moment of them crying. I do not envy Narcissa in the slightest. Bellatrix, it turns out, loves babies. Although I do not think it wise to entrust a child into Bellatrix's care. She would probably lose it, or kill it, purposefully or accidentally. Narcissa doesn't seem to mind, she is overjoyed. I have been forced to hold the little slime ball twice, both occasions have been deeply unpleasant. No, I do not think he is cute, he is not adorable - he's an irritating ball of fat and snot. What could possibly be adorable about that?

Narcissa sits down next to me on the sofa, the baby cradled in her arms. He is, at long last, silent and sleeping.

"I'm happy you could come, Severus."

"Thank you for inviting me," I reply curtly.

"You're not still angry with me, are you?"

"Of course not," I say, a little more warmly.

"Good," she sighs with relief, "I hate how we left things. I shouldn't have tried to meddle –"

"Don't worry about it, Narcissa. I was a little too harsh – your help would be welcome, I know you mean well."

"Good. How are things? Lucius mentioned a prophecy –"

"I assure you, everything is quite alright."

"How's Lily?"

"I don't know - I haven't seen her in quite some time."

"Then maybe you should organise something. A trip to the Order, perhaps…"

"I wouldn't want to be too hasty; our last encounter doesn't bring warm emotions to mind."

"Does Dumbledore suspect?"

"Of course he does, he just doesn't know where my loyalties lie – he's taken a gamble with me. I think I have kept him effectively fooled."

"You know Dumbledore; he thinks love is the answer to everything. Find a way to make yourself credible beyond question. What you're doing right now isn't enough to make him trust you."

"I know that, I'm biding my time, leaving hints… he's still considering me for a teaching position. Not in the Defence Against The Dark Arts though, in Potions, would you believe it?"

"I can absolutely believe it, he would be a fool to turn your talent away."

"And yet because he knows that I am a Death Eater, he continues to turn me away. A teaching position at Hogwarts would be invaluable; it's no secret that most of the teachers are part of the Order."

"We'll see soon enough, won't we?"

"Indeed we will."

"You're welcome here any time, Severus. Now that we have Draco, I could use some company from time to time."

"Why? Are you under house arrest?"

"It feels like it. Lucius is just… over protective."

"And so he should be, goodnight Narcissa, goodnight Draco."

* * *

JUNE 1980

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

"Well I can't believe it, our Prongs a dad," Padfoot says.

"The baby's due towards the end of July."

"Have you thought about names?" Moony asks.

"Have we?" I snort, summoning a roll of parchment, "I listed hundreds, _hundreds_ but Lily doesn't like any of them."

"How about Sirius Jr.?"

"Somehow, I don't think so."

"Well what does Lily want?"

"She doesn't know. If it's a girl, then she'll have a flower name to carry on the Evans tradition but other than that…"

"What about an old Wizarding name? Keep it in the family –"

"Lily's already said that she will not name her child Fleamont."

"That would be cruel," Padfoot agrees.

"Technically I get to choose, I won a bet ages ago in Hogwarts – if I could convince her that soul mates were real then I could name our future child."

"Great, just choose a name then and be done with it."

"I want Lily to like it; I thought it would be a nice idea for it to be a Muggle name. My name's a Muggle name so, you know."

"How about Jeff? Or Kevin?"

"I am not naming my child Jeff or Kevin."

"They're Muggle names, aren't they?"

"That is not the point."

"How's Lily?"

"Tired…she should be home soon, she's been at the Longbottoms' new house all morning - she and Alice are both pregnant so they've been seeing a lot of each other recently. She was with Molly all of yesterday, I practically never see her."

"Aren't you excited?" Moony asks.

"I am very excited. I have everything ready, we've been decorating the nursery, and we've got a layette, books, toys…"

"I'm betting it's a boy," Padfoot says.

"I think it's a boy."

"Where's Wormtail? He was supposed to be here an hour ago," Moony says.

"He's usually late; it's nothing to worry about."

* * *

24TH JUNE 1980

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"I've just received a birth announcement."

"Oh?"

Lily eases herself into the chair on the opposite side of the dining table, helping herself to some toast.

"Petunia."

"_Petunia_?"

"I know. She and that red faced buffoon now have a son – Dudley who was born yesterday."

"That poor child."

Lily grins, her hand moving to her own pregnant belly. She looks down at it fondly and then at me.

"How about the name Harry?" I say.

"Hmm… a form of the name Harold… What does it mean?"

"Home ruler, leader, that kind of thing. I'll understand if you don't like it, I know it's a bit of a popular one but –"

"Harry is perfect."

I smile, relieved. She reaches for my hand over the table and squeezes it gently.

"I really hope this baby isn't born on the 27th July."

"Why?"

"That's the full moon."

"Ah," Lily nods, "I hope so too. I've never actually seen Remus on the day of a full moon."

"You wouldn't want to," I say darkly.

"Not you too. Dumbledore's getting very insistent that I stay in the house, don't do anything, don't help… I'm pregnant, not paralysed."

"But he wants you to be safe and so do I. I don't think it's safe for you to be out there."

"It's never been safe for me to be out there!"

"Lily… you know what I mean. You can't be taking those kinds of risks when you're eight months pregnant."

"I know. I just feel so useless. I know you think Patrols are boring –"

"Boring is an understatement."

"But at least you're doing something! I'm stuck here, at home, with nothing to do but stare into space and worry about seeing my friends' names in the Prophet obituaries."

"What if I got Padfoot to come round tomorrow? Moony as well… Moony's got this week off (full moon on Saturday) and Padfoot's banned from Patrols so maybe they could keep you company."

"No, you don't have to do that. Just forget I said anything," she says, getting up and taking the now empty plates with her.

"Lily," I sigh, following her into the kitchen, "what do you want me to do?"

"Nothing, you don't have to do anything," she kisses me, "I was having a selfish moment."

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Me? Stuck here all alone with nobody but this child I'm carrying my womb, my record player and my crime novels? I'll be fine. Have a good day."

"I will, you too."

"Hex some Death Eaters for me," she calls after me.

Oh don't you worry Lily, I'll hex those Death Eaters into oblivion.


	52. Alarm Clocks, Kneazles and Memories

**A/N:**** Well hello again. May I just say how happy I am? (Happy is an understatement.) 70 reviews! _Seventy!_ *Happy dance* thank you so so much for reading and reviewing and following and favourite-ing, it means a lot to me. **

**(Oh and thank you **fangirl. read. repeatt **for motivating me and where do I even begin with **ElsaElphieGinny**? Siriusly, what would I do without you?)**

**Have a lovely day and enjoy!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

JULY 10TH 1980

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. Wait, I don't have an alarm clock. I open my eyes quickly and find Sirius standing over my bed with a silver alarm clock that won't stop ringing.

"Sirius?" I say groggily, squinting at the alarm clock, "it's eight o'clock in the morning."

"Yes, well observed there Lily. How do you turn this off?"

"Like this," I slam my hand down on it; Sirius yelps and drops it.

"You seem to have some experience with those."

"Maybe, what the hell are you doing here?" I sit up, rubbing my eyes, the nightmares still imprinted on my eyelids.

"Well I thought you'd appreciate my company –"

"What have you done?"

"I haven't done anything –"

"You have that look on your face."

"What look?!"

"The one where you're up to something," I say, swinging out of bed and trying to put on my slippers without putting too much pressure on my stomach.

"What, me? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sirius… I have a busy day planned, I'm going to finish re-reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy and when I'm done with that I'm going to order all of my buttons according to size and colour so whatever it is it had better be quick."

"It's nothing really… well maybe it is something. Come downstairs."

"Do you know how long it takes for me to go down stairs now?"

"You won't regret it."

"Believe me, I'm already starting to."

He runs off down the stairs and I trudge behind him, drugged by sleep and aches and pains everywhere. We reach the living room and he carefully opens the door. On the coffee table, there is a peculiar looking brown box with holes in that keeps moving.

"Sirius what the hell is in that?"

"It's more of a 'who' than a what," he says excitedly, opening the box to reveal a fluffy ginger cat. He picks it up and puts it down again, letting it roam around the room.

"It's a cat," I say bluntly.

"Half-Kneazle actually, I was thinking Mogsie or maybe flame-thrower or something."

"Why have you got a cat? Of all creatures… your Animagus is a dog, why would you get a cat?"

"Oh it's not my cat, it's yours."

"Wait what?"

"Prongs said you were feeling lonely and you know how busy I am doing stuff so this was my solution."

"I was feeling lonely so you get me a _cat_?"

"That is correct."

"What am I going to do with a cat?"

"Well what are you going to do with a child?"

"I think a child is slightly different to a cat."

"You don't say. So… what do you think?"

"Um…" the cat in question starts circling my feet and purring, brushing its head against my legs.

"See, he likes you."

"I suppose he's cute, alright, he can stay."

"Yay! Well he needs a name and given how terrible you are at coming up with names for things –"

"Excuse me; we've already decided that it will be Harry for a boy and Lavender, Amaryllis, or maybe Viola as in Viola from Twelfth Night for a girl?"

"Amaryllis? What kind of name is Amaryllis?"

"What kind of name is Sirius?"

"It's a very noble name in a long line of Black men… oh crap, I'm turning into my father."

"What was your father called?"

"Orion," he says sheepishly.

"Orion… that's not a bad name. So what shall we call this little monster?"

"Marauderette?"

"No."

"Now I see why Prongs was having such a hard time choosing names for this child with you."

"This isn't just some child, this is my baby."

"Don't be ridiculous Lily, this is everyone's baby."

* * *

_~ FLASHBACK ~_

_AROUND ABOUT FEBRUARY TIME 1979_

_POTTER'S COTTAGE_

* * *

We're having a little get-together at the cottage, just a few Order friends. It's been going quite well thus far. We meet up as much as we can; the war is getting worse and worse as the days go by so every time we meet up, we always seem to decrease in number. I'm being discharged soon, not permanently, just whilst I have a baby. I've been hoping to tell everyone at once that I'm pregnant so I won't have to keep repeating it.

"I believe Lily has a short announcement to make…" James says, grinning broadly.

I remember going to see the Healers a few days after Halloween and finding out that I was pregnant; the look on James' face was beautiful. He was so happy and so excited, getting the Healer to show him how everything in her office to do with babies worked, buying so many books about pregnancy and childcare, I think even Madam Pince would have been impressed. The first trimester is apparently the part of the pregnancy in which there is likely to be a problem, or you are likely to lose the baby so I didn't want to tell everyone straight away and then the baby possibly die. It's been okay so far, a little rocky emotionally and physically. I often feel sick or my vision may slightly blur which is a little worrying but the Healer said that it was normal. There's a slight bump but it's not hugely noticeable. A few of my friends have worked it out already through.

"She's pregnant!" Sirius shouts from beside me, slinging an arm around my shoulder. James smiles again, putting his arm around my other shoulder. Some idiot takes a photograph.

"Wow Lily, that's great!"

"How long have you been pregnant?"

"About three months,"

"Aw, congratulations!"

"This seems about the right time to you all that I'm pregnant too," Alice Longbottom says smiling.

We've been growing quite close, Alice and I. Marlene isn't around as much anymore, she's probably off with Sirius or at home with her family. I mean, I do see her but it's usually only in passing. Other Alice has been going away a lot more frequently and for longer amounts of time. It turns out that Alice (Longbottom) and I have a lot in common and now we'll be going through pregnancy together (which has been described to me as hell on earth). Oh well, I've been told that it's worth it.

The company which I really appreciate at the moment is Molly's. She's heavily pregnant at the moment, about eight months or so. This baby will be her sixth. She's thinking Ronald for a boy and Ginevra for a girl. The baby's due in March time so we're all pretty excited. Molly has been kind to me, given me advice, in some ways been both a friend and an older sister to me and that's something I haven't felt in the longest time.

James has been getting really into it. He and the Marauders have been shut away in the spare room for weeks, pouring over plans for the nursery – paint colour, design, style, the lot. Unsurprisingly, Peter hasn't been around all that much. Sirius suspects he's seeing a girl which isn't entirely implausible – just unlikely. Peter is a lovely guy, he's very sweet and he's very considerate but he just hasn't shown much interest in girls. I know he's been with a few and who knows what's happening with Melanie but there has never been mention of a girl before that he's particularly focused on. Remus has been a bit off recently as well; I don't know if that's because of the moon or if something else is going on. What with the war, we hardly see each other anymore. Sometimes when I have a conversation with him, it's like we're complete and utter strangers.

* * *

_~ FLASHBACK OVER ~_

* * *

Since the Halloween party, I haven't actually seen Alice. She didn't come to my birthday party and she hasn't responded to any of the messages I've sent her. She's been travelling, she said, in the duration of an extremely short conversation via Patronus in which I told her I was pregnant. She didn't say when she'd be back, or what she was doing, just that she was very busy and in the midst of all this change, people dying or being tortured and mauled beyond recognition, people betraying their sides, people leaving their families and the lives they know, the people they love and for what? Haven't we all suffered enough? It's just one thing after another. We've given everything we've got, we're doing all that we can and yet nothing has changed though it has – we've all lost a lot, been through a lot. I don't know, it's just hard to feel together when we all feel so alone. I don't want Alice to leave me and Mar. Especially Mar. Marlene's family is more cautious than ever. All the blood-traitor families are being targeted which is causing a great deal of panic – we've lost a lot of support due to the fear.

I understand what it is to be afraid more than ever before. To not know if you'll survive this day or the next, to not know if the next time you see the people you love, they'll be dead on the floor, to not know whether today will be the day you're asked to fight. I never thought I'd tire of fighting. What with all those times when I was so much younger, so eager to fight; damn the consequences. I wasn't truly scared then but I am now. Now that I have a child growing inside me, now that I know the price of war, the price of justice.

It was almost three years ago today my parents died and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't miss them. I try not to show it, grief and sadness can be quite contagious after all but I need them more than ever now. I visit the grave often, usually accompanied but whoever comes with me stays away. I prefer to grieve privately.

Sirius has offered to accompany me today and I am grateful for that.

We arrive in Cokeworth, me dizzy from Apparating. Apparition is not advised for pregnant women but Dumbledore seemed to think it would be alright for me to do so. As we reach the graveyard, Sirius falters.

"I'll wait here for you," he says, "if anything happens, yell."

"Thank you and don't worry, I'll be alright."

He doesn't seem wholly convinced but he smiles anyway.

I approach the grave, transfiguring some sticks on the ground into a bouquet of lilies and petunias – a little tradition of mine. There are asphodels already on the grave, there's a fresh posy every time I visit. The asphodels are also on Mrs Snape's grave, standing out against the gloominess of the graveyard. Sometimes I see Severus leaving or lurking in the shadows but usually I don't. When I do, he keeps his distance thankfully.

I sit down beside the grave, the cool summer breeze brushing against my face softly. I allow myself to cry for the first time in months. The emotion runs through me all too quickly, brimming over the top, so overwhelming and yet welcome at the same time.

I stop crying eventually and find myself thinking about Molly's new son Ronald, about Alice's son Neville (they chose to find out the sex of the baby, I didn't), about all the new people in this world. All they'll ever know is pain and torture. Is that really fair? I wish this war was over, we all do. I don't want my child to live like this, in constant fear. I don't want anyone to live like this. I never asked for this, I never asked for any of this.

Dorcas Meadowes was in a duel the other week; she barely escaped with her life. She's in St. Mungo's now, with burns and scars everywhere. There were five Aurors fighting alongside her, they all died. Dorcas said she saw them being burned to death and tortured by the Death Eaters. Minerva has been busy trying to protect the students at Hogwarts – what's left of them. Slytherin is corrupt and attacks on students are now so frequent, students don't go to lessons and many don't go to school at all. The Ministry is fighting hard. Harold Minchum – the current Minister has placed even more Dementors around Azkaban but it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference. James thinks he's had his time. There's talk of a new Minister; perhaps Millicent Bagnold. She was a Ravenclaw.

…so much death, too much… How much can a person take before they fall apart completely?

"Lily," a voice so familiar that it fills me with dread speaks behind me.

"Severus," I say, somewhat coldly. This is the last thing I need – to talk to someone like him. Someone that's part of the reason that the people I love are suffering so much.

I get up, leaving my flowers and heading out of the graveyard. He tugs the sleeve of my robe gently – it's such an unexpected gesture that I stop still.

"I just want to talk," he says.

"I'm done talking."

"Please, Lily. For old time's sake."

"What do you want?" I turn to face him. He is pale; too pale to be healthy. Once upon a time I would have cared.

He looks at my stomach, then at me, an unreadable expression plastered on his face.

"You're pregnant."

The accusation hangs in the air a while, another wall separating us.

"Yes, I am. What of it?"

"Nothing," he clears his throat, "how are you?"

"You can't ask me that. You have no right to."

"Lily –"

"No! I don't want to hear it. Do you know the amount of grief you've caused us? My life feels like it's falling apart because of the things _you've_ done, the side that _you're_ on. The war is destroying everything and you ask me if I'm _okay_?"

"Dammit Lily, you _always_ do this. You keep talking about all the times _I_ hurt you but what about all the times when you hurt me?"

"Well… then I'm sorry you got hurt. It was never my intention for anyone to get hurt, and that's more than you can say."

"That's not true."

"Isn't it? If we could do it all over again would you act differently?"

He is silent.

"No, you wouldn't. You'd hurt me over and over again because the difference between you and me is that you keep making the same mistakes. It's too little too late, Severus."

He looks up, his expression dark.

"He's changed you," he sneers, "just like I said he would."

"He's done nothing of the sort. I changed all by myself, as have you."  
"That pretentious, deceiving –"

My wand is out and pointed straight at his chest before he can finish.

"One more word, Severus, one more word against him and I swear I will do something I'll regret."

He looks at my wand, then at me, looking positively shocked but he conceals it quickly.

"So this is it, you're turning your back on me?"

"Severus, don't you remember? It was _you_ who turned your back on _me_."

I hear footsteps running towards us, Sirius. Severus vanishes quickly, but not before Sirius manages to hit him with a stinging hex.

"You alright Lily?"

"No," I say, staring at the place where he was just a moment ago, "but I will be."

I put one hand on my stomach the other around Sirius, he doesn't ask questions, doesn't waste breath trying to make it all okay, he just lets me lean on him - and we go home.


	53. Drunken Hearts

**A/N:**** Hey... I'm not late at all and what a creative chapter title.**

**Thank you very much for all of your support, it is very much appreciated! **

**(I'm a little excited, I saw Mockingjay P2 on Friday and oh my word, it was so close to the book and the last line! I mean they got a few things wrong but the main essence of the book was there... it was so sad. Anyway...)**

**Have an interesting in a good way kind of day. Enjoy.**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

1ST AUGUST 1980

* * *

I'm the happiest I've ever been.

It's finally happened! Harry James Potter was born yesterday, a beautiful baby boy, my son. Lily's at home now, with Harry in her arms and the cat on her lap, Padfoot sat beside her. From the moment I set eyes on him, I loved him completely and unquestionably. He was Christened earlier today, it was quiet and hurried – only Padfoot came along. Dumbledore thinks we're in danger (no surprise there), so we're lying low as it were. A few people are coming to see him over the next few weeks. Bathilda has visited already – she loves him almost as much as Lily and I. Padfoot… he adores Harry. He was with Lily and me at the hospital and he's been here ever since – fawning over him incessantly.

I had my worries about being a father but they're all gone now. He's perfect, I mean he cries a lot and he's smelly and snotty and all that but mostly he's adorable. Lily hasn't stopped smiling all day, the years of pain and war that were always marked on her face have softened – she looks so much calmer, so much more at ease.

Moony is currently in Scotland, held up with business for the Order but he's getting down here as soon as he can. I've not heard from Wormtail but I assume he's visiting soon, he knows he's always welcome. Lily and I have discussed it in full and we've made Padfoot godfather. Padfoot's reaction was entertaining to say the least – he was holding Harry at the time and we succeeded in making him utterly speechless, he looked at us, then at Harry and then he had this look on his face, a look I'd never seen before, he was completely over the moon. He doesn't tire of Harry at all, every time Harry so much as blinks, Padfoot is impressed and feels the need to tell everyone about it. His never ending enthusiasm is amusing but also understandable. To me, Harry is an angel.

The doorbell sounds, Harry gurgles, Padfoot beams at him – like he's just succeeded in casting a Patronus charm. With much care and caution, I open the door; it's Moony of course.

"Hey Prongs, I got your message. How's Lily? How's Harry?"

Lily comes out into the hall, Harry looks at Moony with interest, or at least as much interest as a new-born baby can have. Moony smiles at him; Harry opens his mouth and closes it again, as if also trying to smile.

"Hello," Moony says softly, taking Harry is his arms. Harry lies there, completely absorbed in looking at Moony's face. Babies have very penetrating stares.

Harry closes his eyes and promptly falls asleep. In hushed whispers, we gravitate into the living room, drinking wine and talking about Harry mostly – how sweet he is, how quiet (is that normal for babies?), how perfect… but we also talk about Hogwarts, Dumbledore, the war, Neville Longbottom (also born yesterday) and some secret Lily thinks Dumbledore is keeping from her.

"He wasn't making much eye contact with me last time we talked and I kept asking him how far he'd got with the Death Eater's plan and what our contingency plan was in case they ended up attacking the Ministry before we're able to look at recruiting some more creatures… you know how difficult it is to sway centaurs when even talking to them proves a challenge… anyway, he just kept changing the subject."

"He's very busy and probably extremely stressed – wouldn't you be in his position? The Ministry is ringing him up every few minutes for advice, he has to manage a school which has students that are corrupt inside it and he's got to try and organise us lot and fight in the war. The fact that he even has time to have a conversation with you is a miracle," Remus says quietly, so as not to wake Harry.

"I know but… something wasn't right, isn't right. I know it."

"Just leave it be, love," I say.

"Alright. I'm meeting Alice tomorrow; Molly's going to be there as well, with Ronald. I'm going to see Neville for the first time; do you guys want to come along?"

"We wouldn't want to intrude," Moony says, looking at Harry's hand which is wrapped around his thumb.

"Yes, we would," Padfoot says, swaying in his seat, already pretty drunk, "count me in. Frank will be there anyway right?"

"Yes, he will," Lily confirms.

"Okay then, that's all of us. You aren't going to be sharing birth stories are you?"

"Maybe," Lily says, smirking.

"Merlin help us all," Padfoot mutters.

"Molly's thinking of having another one."

"_Another_?" Padfoot exclaims, "but she's already got about ten."

"She has six children, Sirius," Lily laughs.

"Close enough," Padfoot says dismissively.

"Six children is a lot. How's Marlene doing?" Lily asks, "I haven't seen her in a while."

"Nor have I," Padfoot says.

"I assumed –"

"Yeah well she's busy," Padfoot snaps.

"Sirius? Are you alright?"

"Yes, fine. Marlene's just going through a… difficult time at the moment. You know how it is, family and all that, unity of the McKinnons, protection, Death Eaters, blood-traitors, etc."

"Are you sure you're fine?"

"Oh yes, absolutely," he says, taking a flask out of his pocket and downing it in one gulp, I have a feeling whatever's in it is stronger than the wine we've been having, "why wouldn't I be? It's not as though she's ignoring me, standing me up, doesn't want to spend time with me… then I find out my brother's dead, the cowardly bastard and then everything is just really shitty – apart from you Harry, you're not shitty at all."

"Regulus…?"

"Dead, gone, kicked the bucket, deceased," Padfoot gestures wildly at the air, clearly more than slightly drunk.

"How? When?"

"Killed by Death Eaters most likely… probably panicked when he got in over his head… knew our parents wouldn't let him back out, knew Voldemort wouldn't either. So boom, dead, gone… and now it's just me on my own, drinking away my sorrows and spending my nights with you miserable lot."

"When?"

"Last year… damn fool should have listened to me. I told him, I told him that he shouldn't but he didn't listen. Never listened to a word I said… and my parents… bet they're sorry now too. Slug Club, Quidditch team… better son," he says bitterly, taking out another flask.

"Why on earth didn't you tell us?" Lily asks indignantly.

"Didn't want to, didn't care…talking about it makes it feel real… better to numb it out with Firewhisky, pretend it never happened."

"Sirius… God, if I'd _known_."

"But you didn't," Padfoot says, taking a drink from his flask, "I wish I didn't know either."

"Stop that," Lily says, indicating the flask.

"We all have our ways of dealing with grief and making it go away. Prongs hexes people, you isolate yourself and so does Moony, Wormy eats and I drink. We all want to pretend whatever it is never happened. Grief's a part of life honey, and so is this Firewhisky."

"Sirius, I'm so sorry," Lily says, almost in tears.

"Me too, but there isn't shit you or I can do about it. It's all a mess, much like how I'll be in the morning."

"Has he been buried?"

"No," Padfoot snorts, "it's a little controversial. Is he a war hero or is he a coward? My parents probably think he died bravely but I did some digging… wasn't easy, not many people remembered him without a little _persuasion_… That's why I was away so much last year, I mean yes, the Order had me very busy but I wanted to know how he died. Such a fucking waste of a life, he could have done anything he wanted, he was bright… he knew stuff, he could do things I couldn't, I'm more attractive but he just had that air about him you know? He didn't used to be cocky… that all changed. They changed him, shaped him, and made him into a Death Eater toy. But the thing about us, us Blacks is that we can't be made to think and believe things we don't, not really… he knew, he bloody fucking well knew what he was up to and then he... By nature, Blacks aren't brave; I know that but he could have… he could have… he didn't have to… How do people change so fast? Prongs and Moony said they saw him duelling that one time on Patrols just _weeks_ maybe even days before he died. He must have known…"

Padfoot breaks down into loud, drunken sobs. Harry stirs, and starts to cry, reaching for Padfoot. Padfoot looks up at him and he takes him from Moony, hugging Harry tight, cooing and reassuring softly. Lily puts a hand on Sirius' shoulder, he looks up at her gratefully and we sit like that, all together.

We've known each other for so many years and yet we all managed to remain ignorant to Regulus' death. I can understand why Padfoot didn't want to tell us but I just wonder… if we didn't know about something like this, then what else don't we know? What if Padfoot's hiding other things as well? We all knew about his drinking, except perhaps Lily. I hope he knows that he can trust us, that we love him and that we care about him. I don't know what's happening with Marlene and him but whatever it is, I don't want to find out about it five years from now.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

SEPTEMBER 1980

THE BURROW

* * *

"… and there is absolutely no reason to think that, Minerva –"

"I don't think you understand the severity of this matter Albus!"

"We can't assume it means her any more than he can."

"Yes but it said that he would _choose_. He would mark him as his equal! Don't you think that warrants concern?"

"Of course I do but what would you have me do? Hide them away?"

"Yes! For their safety! I can't see why –"

"Maybe you can't but think of it like this, in war sacrifices must be made, can we afford to have our best fighters hidden away for fear of this… information… reaching him?"

"You said you saw him overhear it! You know we can't trust him, Albus."

"Maybe not but he's all we have. We must trust that he will eventually see things from our point of view –"

"You can't expect him to be reasoned with!"

"Please, Minerva, I –"

"Is everything alright in here?" I ask, walking into the kitchen, watching the pair standing by the window, both flushed, clearly in the middle of something.

"Yes, yes, perfectly fine," Minerva says, forcing a smile. "Why don't you show me some photos of Harry? I was led to believe there was a slight incident with some strawberries and a tambourine?"

"Of course…" I murmur, following her into Molly's living room, my mind dizzy with thoughts.

* * *

Marlene's here, at the Burrow. Right now, she's holding Harry, Sirius isn't standing close to her but he keeps a watchful eye on Harry whilst simultaneously glaring at her. I don't know what's happening between those two. It used to be uncomfortable being in a room with them – how close they'd stand and the attraction between them, the knowing looks and the private smiles. Now it's awkward, they stand apart, don't acknowledge each other much, talk to other people, and leave parties and get-togethers at different times and usually with different people. Marlene refuses to talk about it; all I managed to get out of her was that sometimes you just 'fall out of love'. Sirius changes the subject whenever I try and talk to him about it.

Alice is also here, with Neville. Her and Frank are happy, a kind of happiness James and I share. James hasn't left my side all evening, apart from when I went to get a glass of water and ran into Minerva and Albus. That was interesting; it doesn't take much guesswork to work it out though. It's clearly about some information they know that they're worried Voldemort will find out about and that Severus already knows. It affects some of us in the Order and Minerva thinks they're in danger. If she thinks that they're going to just go into hiding, then she is very much mistaken. I spent months at home, doing nothing and it was horrible. It was worse than fighting; it amplified my fear and paranoia instead of reducing it. Besides, it's impossible to be completely safe. The Death Eaters are everywhere, infiltrating the Ministry, controlling people by the _Imperius_ curse, their eyes are everywhere. I hate to think how much they know about us, where we are, what we're doing. Apparently Severus is a double agent but I don't believe it for a second. He isn't going to change, he's just… he will never leave Voldemort and he will never betray the Dark side. Surely Dumbledore can see that, it shouldn't be a mystery.

"Lily! How wonderful to see you," Molly comes over; hugging me tightly, "look how much he's grown in two months! They grow so fast, you should see my twins now… walking around, talking. How have you been?"

"Better, since Harry, I've been a lot better."

"I know," Molly sighs, "I know it's hard… but we stick together, yes? We're all in the same boat after all. Have you seen Neville? He's such a dear, him Harry and Ron will be friends for sure! Just imagine them in Hogwarts –"

"Hogwarts? I hadn't even thought that far ahead…"

"I hadn't, until the twins, now all I can think about is them growing up. Two years and Bill will be at Hogwarts and Charlie's eight years old now. I don't know where the time goes."

"Eight?" I think back fondly to my first meeting with Charlie.

"I know. How's James?" she asks, looking at him across the room, him and Frank are engaged in conversation, both of them occasionally erupting with laughter.

"Fine, I think. It'll be good when we can move around normally, take Harry with us, see places, do more work for the Order."

"Won't you be busy looking after Harry?"

"I think we have that covered…" I look at Sirius who has Harry in his arms and is bouncing him around, making strange noises at him. "Besides, we won't be away that much. I just want to do something."

"I do too," Molly says wistfully, "but I don't think that's possible."

"You have enough on your plate already Molly," I say, looking over to where Bill is sitting on the floor with Charlie, playing with a magical train set – occasionally they end up arguing and snatching, Percy is sitting next to Dorcas (he seems to have taken a shine to her) and the twins are running around only to be scolded by a nearby adult every so often.

"I know, sometimes I think I'm missing out. That there has to be more to life than what I've got but then I just think of my children, my husband and I don't need anything else."

"Hmm," I say, pondering that.

Could a home life be enough for me? Could I be content looking after a house and children whilst the people I loved were risking their lives? I don't know if I could be, if I could just stand back and do nothing.

We chat for a while, about such silly things – her new roses which haven't been growing well, her increasing gnome infestation and Arthur's hobby of tinkering with Muggle objects. It all feels so normal. We're all in her living room, standing around or sitting in armchairs by the fire, drinking and talking. I'm talking to Molly, Harry is safe, and James is full of life and back to the way he was in our Hogwarts years but in a good way. He laughs, he makes jokes, he socialises with ease. Alice and Frank are here, lively and ecstatic like the old days. Even Mary is here.

The back door slams, Alice Smith walks into the living room and promptly Apparates.

I haven't had a chance to talk to her all evening. At one point, I spotted her with Wormy but then he left early with Edgar Bones for something to do with the Order. Last time I saw her, she was with Remus. I wonder where he's got to and I wonder what happened. She looked upset; she won't talk to me…

Remus walks across the room to where Molly and I are standing. He pours himself a glass of vodka that happens to be on the kitchen counter beside me and Molly and swallows it. He grimaces and turns to me.

"Hey Lily."

"Hey yourself, are you alright?"

"No, not really."

"Were you with Alice?"

"Yes, yes I was, Molly do you have any more of this vodka?" he asks.

"Erm, I'll just go and check…" she walks off quickly, without a backward glance - she doesn't come back.

"You know Lily, love's kind of shit."

"Mhm-hm?"

"I don't know if you knew but I really liked Alice for quite a long time and I thought she could like me but she doesn't."

"I think you're a little bit drunk, how much alcohol have you had tonight?"

"Enough to induce me to tell Alice that I like her."

"How did she take it?"

"How'd you think?"

"What did you say exactly?"

"Oh I don't think the problem was what I _said_; it was more what she knows I am."

"I don't follow."

"She said she could never love a filthy half-breed like me, that I'm scum, I have no right to feel such things for her, much less express them. She said she could cope having me around, but us together? No chance. I should have known, I told myself that it would never work out, never, never, never. But somehow I hoped. Is that stupid? Yeah, I know it's stupid. I shouldn't have let myself think like that. This always happens."

"She – she really said that?"

"Yes."

"That doesn't sound like Alice."

"It sounds exactly like Alice."

"She must have – she wouldn't have –"

"Why don't I ever learn?"

"Remus, it's not your fault. Alice… I don't even know what's happening with her anymore but I assure you, you are not scum."

"I feel like it," he says glumly.

"I mean it, Remus. No one has the right to tell you that you are any less than you are. What you are is compassionate, kind, generous, intelligent and brave. That's what the people who matter most to you think of when they think of you. If someone asked me describe you, that last thing I'd think of would be 'werewolf'. That's just one part of you; don't let yourself be defined by it."

"Hey," Marlene comes over.

"Hey Mar, tell Remus he's not worthless."

"You're not worthless," she says adamantly.

"Can we talk about something else other than my pathetic love life?"

"Alice?" Mar asks, eyebrows raised, I nod and she sighs.

"It's not a big deal," Remus says.

"Nor should it be, don't take it too hard. She's been head over heels for Wormtail for ages."

"Wormtail?" I nearly drop my glass.

"Yeah, haven't you noticed the way that they look at each other?"

"I told Prongs! I told him and I told Padfoot too and nobody believed me."

"Sorry, maybe that was supposed to be a secret," Mar says.

"She never told me."

"She didn't tell me either until I caught the two of them together."

"I've missed you, Mar and I've missed Alice too."

"I don't miss Alice," Marlene says briskly.

"You don't? Isn't she your best friend?" Remus asks.

"She _was_ but best friends don't lie to your face, best friends don't sleep with your boyfriend and best friends definitely don't call you a whore in front of your family."

"She slept with Sirius?"

"Oh didn't she just…" Mar says venomously, "apparently they were both drunk and it didn't mean anything. Suppose that was Sirius' way of saying it was over, not that I gave a shit. I was angry, still am but I've moved on. Rather quickly actually, quicker than I thought. I refuse to speak to him."

"Why is it people only ever tell me things when they're drunk?"

"I'm not that drunk," Mar says unconvincingly.

"I beg to differ," I say as she sways dangerously.


	54. The Last Christmas Eve

**A/N:**** Hey... um, sorry? Am I usually this late? I don't know anymore!**

**Anyway, thank you for reading this - we've gotten far into this story and the support is fantabulous (which is a word, I'm pretty sure it is). I know this doesn't have essential plot information but I was writing it and my sister really liked it and she thought it was cute... I wanted there to be more on the dynamics of Lily and James' relationship - which is what the story is about after all. So enjoy, relax and have a wonderful evening (or morning depending on where you are). **

**Only a year to go...**

**(Oh and thank you, BeanerWeasley. I greatly appreciate you! And Alyia and ElsaElphieGinny and all of you... I'd hug you if I could but that might be weird and uncomfortable...)**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

NOVEMBER 1980

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

"Where are you going?" I ask, seeing Lily walk into the living room in her winter robes and heavy boots.

"To Cokeworth, why?"

"Are you going alone?"

"Yes."

"Lily… you know that's not safe."

She sighs and runs her hand through her hair in frustration.

"I hate it when they just stand there awkwardly and try to comfort me… and it's something that's so personal… I hate having them watch me, judge me, pity me. It's so intrusive. It doesn't matter so much when it's Padfoot or Al or Remus but when it's someone from the Order or one of your Quidditch mates…"

"I know –"

"You _don't_ know! You've never come with me! You don't have to have someone follow _you_ around when you visit the graves of your parents. I go with you when you want me to; sometimes I go without you and leave flowers on their graves."

"I never asked you to do that! You're being completely unreasonable."

"Am I? Why do I need to be accompanied?"

"Because of _him_ \- I know he goes there, lurks in the shadows, watches. I don't like it, Lily."

"I can handle him."

"Like you handled him in seventh year?"

"That was before I realised what he was like," Lily says, anger creeping into her tone.

"No, that was before you stopped making excuses for him."

"That doesn't matter anymore. I see him for what he is and if you can't comprehend that then you're the one who's having trouble handling things."

I start to feel myself fill up with oh so familiar rage. The kind of emotion that urged me to hex first years, give Lily a hard time…

"You can't go, Harry needs someone to look after him, and I've got to go out."

"Where are you going?" she narrows her eyes at me.

"Does it matter?"

"I'll ask Sirius or Remus –"

"They're both in Wales, so are Alice, Mar and Wormtail."

"I'll ask Al (Longbottom). I'm sure she and Frank won't mind."

"Lily…"

"What is your problem?"

"Don't go by yourself."

"I told you, I can handle him."

"That's what you said in sixth and seventh year and look how that turned out."

"James, please try to understand –"

"What's to understand? _He tortured you!_ You're choosing to go alone to a place where you know he'll be."

"He won't talk to me, I don't talk to him."

"Oh please –"

"Why are you so jealous? You know what I think about him."

"So? He was close to you even when you knew he was in with the Death Eaters, he was your first kiss –"

"Oh for fuck's sake! You have no idea what it's like for me. I have nightmares every night about it - I see him killing you, killing Harry, killing all my friends and killing me last. Don't forget he tortured _me_ and not you, so don't make this about you. This is a stupid conversation anyway, I love you, you idiot."

"Then why –"

"Because I love my parents more than I hate him."

"I-"

"Why don't you ever come with me?

"I – I didn't think you'd need me."

"I always need you."

"I still think he's evil."

"James… come on. It's ridiculous to divide people into good and bad, people are either charming or tedious."

"I love it when you quote Oscar Wilde to me."

"And I love you."

"I love me too."

"James…"

"I love you, Lily, now and forever."

* * *

CHRISTMAS EVE 1980

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

"Merry Christmas!" Marlene beams as she steps inside – we went all out this year, the decorations are slightly (by that I mean extremely) excessive.

We walk into the living room, our huge Christmas tree standing proudly in one corner. James, Sirius and I spent hours decorating it, with Harry watching. With a flick of her wand, Marlene conjures a small pile of presents appear under the tree.

"I got one for Harry," she says, "I hope he likes it."

"I'm sure it's better than that," I point to the vase-shaped present under the tree, "it's from Petunia and she has terrible taste."

Marlene laughs.

"Hey," Al comes over, Neville in her arms, "we're probably going to have to go now, Lil. It being Neville's first Christmas, Augusta wants to spend it with us."

"No worries, it was lovely to have you here. We'll always have next Christmas, right?"

"Yes, next Christmas," Al promises, she walks over to Harry and kisses him on the cheek before waving goodbye.

"Hey Lily-flower," Sirius calls from the kitchen, coming out into the living room in his reindeer headband and Christmas jumper, "I've got the mince pies but there seemed to be a problem with…"

He trails off as he looks at Marlene, she averts her eyes.

"Marlene…"

"Sirius," she says curtly.

"You… you look great."

"Thanks."

"How have you been?"

"Not as good as you apparently."

"Right, right…"

"Not that we don't all love the awkward conversation that is happening here, but how about we admire this bundle of cuteness?" James holds up Harry before Sirius takes him in his arms and he and Remus make very strange noises at him. I swear babies bring out all the weirdness in people.

"He looks just like his father," I say, looking at James warmly.

"But he has his mother's eyes," James says, staring straight at me.

It reminds me of those moments at Hogwarts, the warm winter nights by the fire, laughing and talking for hours on end and him just staring at me the whole time, never for a second taking his eyes off of me. I miss those times, he and I are rarely alone nowadays, what with Harry screaming and crying all the time. Even though having him on top of the war is stressful and difficult sometimes, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love him too much to regret anything.

"Oh for the love of Merlin," Mar sighs, "I thought we'd gotten past the lovey-dovey romantic staring contest stage."

"Never," James says softly, taking my hand and pulling me closer, "if we lived a million years, I could never tire of looking at you."

"For crying out loud, we get it, you two love each other and it's beautiful but please, this is so sickeningly sweet, I may just throw up," a familiar voice that almost stops me in my tracks sounds behind me.

"Alice..?" I turn around to see Alice – Alice Smith- standing in the doorway.

Her hair is tangled, her cheeks are pink, she's shivering and she looks ill but it's her. It's my Alice. I run at her and hug her tightly, my head pounding. Where has she been? What has she been doing? How can she leave without explaining herself?

"Jeez, Lils, I'm pleased to see you too."

"What time do you call this?" Mar asks, looking like ice but angry at the same time.

"Sorry," she says sheepishly, looking down but smiling.

"You were gone for weeks without so much as an explanation, just after you fucked my ex-boyfriend, humiliated me in front of my family, lied to me and you think you can just turn up and say _'sorry'?_"

"Mar –"

"No, don't even bother. I'm done. I'm fucking done. I can't believe – I was your best friend for so many years, we were so close, we were sisters. I was there for you, all the time, I came running after you every time you were upset, apologised even when I didn't think I should have, I stuck up for you no matter what, supported you, comforted you… and you do this? It's bad enough _him_ being here," she gestures wildly at Sirius, "but _you_? You've got some bloody nerve after what you said to Remus. I thought you were better than that, Remus never hurt you, never hurt any of us and he never will. Frankly, Alice Smith, I'm ashamed to have ever called you my friend."

"What do you want me to say?" Alice explodes, "you don't know what's going on with me –"

"Because you disappear and never tell us anything. You could have been _dead_ for all Lil and I knew."

"Why didn't you come after me?"

"Oh I did, Remus was tracking you, making sure that you were safe the whole time and Lily's got a new-born child not that you would know –"

"I didn't mean to hurt you and I'm sorry –"

"Forget it, I'm over it, I don't give a shit anymore about you screwing Sirius. You're apologising to the wrong person."

Marlene storms off into the kitchen.

"I'm –"

Marlene comes storming back out of the kitchen.

"Oh and I know you've been hooking up with Wormtail – how does _he_ feel about being cheated on?"

She storms back into the kitchen, screaming and crying, I stare after her, Sirius follows her. I wonder how that will go down. The doorbell rings – guests are arriving. James goes to answer it; Remus, Alice and I are left in the living room. Oh what a night this will be.

"Remus –" Alice says softly.

Remus turns around and goes to greet Emmeline and Dorcas, without a backward glance. I've never seen him be so cold before. She turns to me, her eyes filled with tears.

"Lily…"

"Go home, Alice," I say, shaking my head before going into the kitchen to find Marlene.

That was the last time I ever saw Alice Smith.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

LATER ON IN THE EVENING

* * *

"… that wasn't even the worst of it! Oh it was _hilarious_. So he's got this green hat on, right, and he has this shamrock on his hat and we're in Bulgaria and you know there's some tension in Bulgaria with Ireland but he was too pissed to know that… the looks he got and the beers he had thrown at him… I swear… funniest thing that happened was when this group of lads were walking…"

Remus, who is more pissed than Sirius (which _is_ possible), is telling a story about when the two of them were in Bulgaria and met these shapeshifters and then got lost and slept in a ditch. It was a highly entertaining story the first time I heard it, it was amusing when I was so drunk I couldn't remember my name but now, it's not so funny. Not when you've heard the same story a thousand times.

It's almost midnight, people are leaving steadily so it's quieter. I spy Lily at the back of the party, a glass of wine in her hand, looking sad and tired. Harry's gone to bed; he's been sound asleep for a few hours now. I wander over to her.

"Well hello there beautiful, can I get you a drink?"

"I have one thanks," she says, lifting her wine glass.

"How's Marlene?"

"Angry, upset and very, very drunk."

"Ah, alcohol. It makes everything seem so much better."

"I caught her having a moment with Sirius."

"What's going on between those two?"

"Who knows? He doesn't love her anymore, she doesn't love him… they've both made that perfectly clear but they were engaging in drunk and passionate kisses which they probably won't remember tomorrow."

"That's Marlene's way of handling things – with physical relationships. It used to be mine too, for a while."

"What happened?"

"I fell for you… then there was only one kiss I wanted – yours."

"That's so cheesy," she snorts, setting down her glass.

"It got you listening."

"I listen to everything you say."

"Right, that doesn't sound creepy at all."

"Someone remembers our conversations from Hogwarts."

"You're hard to forget."

"So I'm told."

"Do you remember this?" I ask, setting down my own glass and kissing her.

She kisses me back and I can taste the mince pie on her breath. I've missed this.

"It's hard to forget," she says, breathless, "feeling like you're on top of the world."

"It is," I agree, kissing her again, a lot more fervently this time.

"I never thanked you," she says, running her hand through my hair.

"For what?"

"For everything," she says simply, "you changed my life."

"I never meant to."

"I'm happy you did."

"So am I."

"I wish I'd been nicer to you in Hogwarts."

"I don't."

"Why?"

"I needed someone to deflate my head – better you than a Death Eater."

"I hope this war is over soon, I don't want Harry to grow up in a world like this."

"Nor do I."

"He's going to be amazing, isn't he?"

"A child of yours? He's going to be spectacular."

"The spectacular is all down to you, James."

"I beg to differ."

"Isn't it funny? If you'd told me, at eleven years old, that I'd end up with that prat Gryffindor Boy –"

"Gryffindor Boy?"

"That's what I called you," she says, blushing, "before I knew your name."

"Gryffindor Boy… I like it."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

"Did you have a name for me before you knew what it really was?"

"Well… Ginger probably doesn't count…"

"Okay, okay, what was your first impression of me?"

"Honestly? Uptight, bossy, pretentious –"

"You didn't know what pretentious was when you were eleven!" she protests.

"- strong, scary and pretty… and after all this time, it's only the last three that have stuck."

"When I first met you, I thought you were arrogant, a bully, stupid and brave… however much I hated you when I was eleven, I did in some way, grudgingly respect you."

"I can't believe that –"

"Well you should. You know, I'm glad I gave you a chance."

"I'm glad you did too."

"What house do you think Harry will be in?"

"I don't care."

"I bet you can't remember what they are. I can smell that alcohol a mile off."

"Of course I can! Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin and… Jigglypuff."

Lily giggles and before I know it, we're kissing again, underneath the mistletoe. This is how Christmas Eve should be. No fighting, no shouting, no anger… just love. We're going to be okay, Lily and I. It's a long way ahead but there's no one else I want to grow old with. She's my Lily, my soul mate and even though we've got a long way to go and we've gone through so much, when we have moments like these – it makes it all worth it.


	55. We Weren't In Love

**A/N:**** Hello! (We'll just ignore the fact that I'm a bit late...)**

**Thank you for your support &amp; please enjoy!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

JANUARY 1981

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

"I still don't get it," Lily says, sitting down and sipping her tea, curled up on the sofa, her head on my chest.

Padfoot and Marlene are over, Moony's off doing business for the Order, Wormtail dropped by briefly to say hello and nobody's seen Alice since Christmas Eve.

"What do you mean?" Padfoot asks weakly, sat as far away from Marlene as possible. Or rather, Marlene is sat as far away from him as possible.

"You know what I mean," Lily says, pointedly, "why would you hurt Marlene like that? Why with Alice?"

"Do I really have to go through this?" he asks, running his hands through his hair.

"Yes," Marlene says, her hands gripped tightly around her mug but she hasn't drunk any tea yet, it's going cold, "I think you owe that to me, Sirius. That was my best friend and she's buggered off to Merlin knows where so I can't ask her."

"I don't think I owe anything to you, Marlene."

Marlene looks at him coldly, Lily glares at him and I try to keep a straight face and not get involved.

"Fine, but I know full well you've moved on and that you're just fine so don't you dare tell me anything different. We weren't in love; I can't remember ever being in love with you really –"

"Seriously?" Marlene asks, "You don't remember us being in love?"

"Do you remember it Marlene?"

"Well of course! We were in love… we were, weren't we? I – I loved you, I must have… I can't really… No. No, I don't remember it. Not really."

"Well, we'd had a fight, it was over something stupid and you were shouting, crying and screaming and swearing and you kept saying, over and over, that you wished you'd never been with me, you regretted the whole relationship, I was a terrible boyfriend, you thought I was ignorant to your feelings and I was listening to you and I was thinking, if I loved you, I would try to comfort you. I would tell you that I love you and that everything would be okay because our love is all that matters. I would support you, I'd probably be upset because you were upset but I wasn't. I realised that everything you said was true. Anyway, I was shouting back… I said some things I'm not proud of, yes that's true but more than anything, I was thinking what a waste of time this was. We weren't in love, hell, I could have been doing a million things right then – spending time with my godson for example, and I was listening to you saying the same fucking thing that you'd said before and I just thought, fuck this. I don't need this; this relationship has no future –"

"So you went to the bar, got drunk and slept with my best friend," Mar says bitterly.

"I caught you kissing some guy once," Padfoot says, looking at her, "a few weeks before, I wasn't even angry."

"You didn't say anything?"

"Would you have wanted me to?"

"I don't know! Why did you leave it so long? Why didn't you just end the bloody relationship?"

"I didn't think I had a good reason, you weren't sleeping with the guy –"

"How do you know?"

"Fine, maybe you were, so what? It's just my word against yours. Besides, I didn't like the idea of breaking up with you. It would be a lot of effort on my part, a lot of screaming and shouting involved… and I'd had enough. You're not the kind of girl you just say 'it's over' to. We'd been together years… I don't know. When you're as busy as we are, sometimes you don't notice that your relationship is crumbling. You don't notice until you take a step back and think it over. What do you want me to say? I shouldn't have stayed with you, we were both unhappy - I can see that now."

"So how did it happen," Marlene asks, her voice catching, "how did it come about? Did you arrange it?"

"No! What do you take me for? I was drunk, she was drunk… two people out of love with their partners, dejected and miserable - what do you think happened? There wasn't any attraction, no emotional connection, just two people trying hard to forget their problems."

"That's it?"

"Yes, that's it. That's all it ever was."

"I don't miss you, Sirius, I don't love you, I hardly care about you anymore but I used to. I used to _feel_ something when I thought of you but now there's nothing… just an empty feeling and then anger because you slept with my best friend and I will never be okay with that. Never."

"I wouldn't expect you to be but tell me this, Marlene McKinnon, why is this all about me? Why is it always my fault? We're similar people; we make the same kind of mistakes. I know you slept with other guys, kissed other guys, flirted with other guys, I've witnessed it so what makes that okay? What makes that any better than what I did to you? There were other girls for me but there were other guys for you, too."

"Those were guys you didn't know, Alice was my best friend – you made it personal."

"Personal? Why can't you just accept that you're to blame for some of this? Why can't you ever just take the blame?"

"Here we go again," Marlene sighs, "always arguments with you, always."

"There! There it is again, you're putting it all on me! Prongs, tell her. Tell her she's being outrageous."

"I'd like to stay out of this thank you," I say.

"Um, James, did you leave that pie in the oven?" Lily asks, nudging me as she gets up and heads for the kitchen.

"Oh – yes, yes, we'd better go and check on that…"

We leave the room, the shouting becoming white noise.

"You know," Lily says, leaning on the kitchen counter, "looking at them makes me realise that we're doing pretty well for a married couple."

"You think?"

"Yeah… I mean we argue, but we don't argue every time we talk, not anymore."

"I don't understand how it fell apart so quickly."

"Sometimes that happens," Lily says, "sometimes you don't know when to let go because there's always that possibility, that little inkling of hope, that somehow, in some way, it'll all be fine in the end. Everything will sort itself out - but it doesn't. I learnt that the hard way."

"Do you still think about him sometimes?"

"In a way, I suppose, he's always there - in my nightmares, haunting me."

"I have nightmares too."

"I think that we all do," Lily says sadly, "that's the thing about war."

"War has a way of dividing people."

"It brings people together as well, though - families and friends."

I eye the hideous vase Petunia bought Lily for Christmas; it sits tucked away behind a stack of books.

"Even though sometimes I wish we didn't have to reach out to certain family members," I joke.

"Family always requires a little give and take," Lily says, smiling.

"A _little_," I grumble.

"We can't just get rid of it!"

"Why not?"

"Because that would be rude!"

"Would it? She'd never know."

"As tempting as that is, I don't like the idea of her finding out it's not on display."

"How would she find out? Can you really see her coming down here to our freakish abode?"

"Fair point," she says, laughing now.

"So can I?"

"Absolutely not, James Potter, I forbid you."

"You forbid me?"

"Yes."

"That's a shame," I say, pulling her in to me, "I happen to like things that are forbidden."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

We kiss, she tastes of tea and biscuits, her hands are in my hair, my arms around her waist. We used to share so many moments like this in Hogwarts, if somewhat secretly.

"James," she says, "we have guests."

"Who are arguing about their relationship."

"We need to help conciliate them."

"I don't think we do."

"Padfoot's your best friend."

"What's that got to do with it?"

"Don't you think they'd benefit from a little support?"

"Padfoot can deal with it."

"Maybe so, but I don't think Marlene can."

"What does she care anyway? They both cheated on each other, they both agree they aren't in love, they both accept that the relationship is over – what's left to discuss?"

"She cares because he slept with her best friend. That's like Padfoot sleeping with me."

"But that would never happen."

"Well hypothetically, say that it did."

"I'd be very angry."

"With who?"

"With both of you, probably more annoyed with Padfoot."

"Why's that?"

"Because I'm in love with you."

"What if you fell out of love with me?"

"That would never happen."

"Say that it did."

"Then… I'd be completely furious with Padfoot and irritated with you."

"There… you see? That's what Mar feels."

"But she's over him, she said so… she's been sleeping with other guys."

"When you claimed to love me in fifth and sixth year, were you sleeping with other girls?"

"Only because you refused to give me a chance."

"What if it was different, what if we were together and you thought that this was what you wanted but it wasn't. What if we drifted apart?"

"I can't imagine that Lily."

"Fine, then think of it this way. You went out with Hestia, yes?"

"Yes…"

"But you were kissing and sleeping with other girls at the same time, right?"

"Maybe, do we really have to get into this?"

"Why did you do that?"

"Erm… I didn't love her, I wasn't really committed or anything, I didn't think she was either."

"What if she were to sleep with Padfoot whilst you were technically still going out with each other?"

"I'd be annoyed with Padfoot."

"Why?"

"Because you don't do that to your best friend's girlfriend, ever."

"Right, so would you be annoyed with Hestia?"

"Yes, but not rationally."

"That's why Mar feels the way that she does. She's lovely, don't get me wrong, but she's human – she's a hypocrite. Maybe she thinks she's let go but somehow she hasn't. You saw the way they used to be, very passionate and very physical. They weren't meant to be in a committed relationship – it just wasn't them. It made them miserable."

"Why do you get all of this?"

"I talk to people; I ask them how they feel because I won't know if they don't tell me. That's how. You have to ask people."

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

APRIL 1981

* * *

"Oh for fuck's sake, Lily!"

"James will you please stop being so immature about this?"

"This _again_?"

"James, what the hell? Please calm down."

"You were set against me from the start!"

"Because you were a troublemaking bully! Where's this coming from anyway?"

"If I was so repulsive to you then what are you still doing here?"

Jesus Christ where is this coming from? Why is he shouting? I'm trying to have an adult conversation with him about what happened earlier today and he just explodes. We were out, shopping for food in a Muggle market – I wanted to show him where I used to shop for food when I lived in Cokeworth. Anyway, I was buying some apples and this guy started flirting with me and at one point he tried to touch me and James thought I was encouraging it. I told him that he was being ridiculous but he wouldn't let it go and now we're yelling at each other with Harry sleeping nearby – he's been sleeping heavily, oblivious to the fighting.

"Yes, I did think you were repulsive," I say at last.

"So what changed?"

"You did, I did. It happened before the epiphany. You made me see for the first time in a way I never had before. It was more than just perspective, when everything was changing so fast and my life felt like a disaster, you made it bearable. I won't deny it – we've had our fair share of rocky times in which I wondered if this row would be the last, if this one would be the one to spiral out of control. But even thought I doubted, even though I was unrealistically terrified, I knew we'd work it out – because whenever I wonder why the fuck I'm with you, whenever I doubt, all I have to do is look at you – just look, look at this wonderful person in front of me and that's all I need. There's no one else I'd rather share my life with. No one else I'd rather stay up until dawn playing cards with. No one else I'd rather sit with on a Saturday afternoon, drinking wine and kissing. I fucking love you James Potter and nobody, least of all that bloody market guy selling apples, is going to alter that."

James is silent a moment. He looks at the floor, then at Harry, sleeping away blissfully and then finally at me. There's that look in his eye, the one I fell in love with, the half-smile, half-smirk that I've come to adore and he kisses me.

"I'm an idiot."

"You are," I agree.

"But you're still here."

"Until the very end, James."

"I love you."

"I know."

Love is a beautiful thing.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

COKEWORTH GRAVEYARD

* * *

"This is where your mother is buried?"

I nod, trying to tune Narcissa out. I shouldn't have taken her here. It's only going to upset her seeing this – seeing me like this.

"Severus?" she asks, tentatively, reaching out to hold my arm.

"I'm fine."

"Severus… you know that it's okay to not be fine. You don't have to tell me why or anything… It's okay to hurt sometimes, to not be happy. It's okay to cry –"

"Please, Narcissa, please, don't."

"I'm sorry, I truly am. I can't believe… I've known you _years_ and I never came with you. I never once thought about it. I never even considered the fact that your mother… I'm sorry, Severus."

She starts to cry. _Fantastic_. Now I have to comfort her. I look at her, trying to conceal the impatience on my face.

"I know what you think of me, Severus. I can see it in your eyes. You think I'm weak, you think I care too much, you think I'm a nuisance, you think I'm ignorant – that I don't understand. You think I'm one of _them_."

"One of them how?"

"You're just like everyone else! All they see is Narcissa Malfoy, prestigious lady, wealthy pure-blood, blood racist, Death Eater lover, dark witch… You claim to be different but are you really? Why can't you stop trying to make me be something I'm not?"

I say nothing, watching her cry harder and becoming more and more frustrated.

"I support you, support Bella, Lucius, Draco, my family and what do I get? You're all so bloody ungrateful, I wonder why I bother sometimes. You always criticise the Dark side for being prejudiced and racist when you're no better! Not at all. I care about you Severus but all you do is push me away. You pushed Lily away too and I didn't want to say this, because I thought it wasn't something friends said to each other, but now that I know what our friendship is worth to you – I will damn well say it. I think you're pathetic. Lily doesn't need your help, you think she does but she doesn't! It's you who needs her, not the other way around. It was you who ruined everything for the both of you, not her. It was you, all you! You do the same thing, again and again and I'm in the middle of it. I can't take it anymore, I _won't_ take it anymore."

She storms off.

I think I've genuinely pissed her off.

Merlin, she's so much like Lily. Except she's not, not as much as I think she is. She has a point, that's true but Lily would cool off eventually and try to discuss it with me. Narcissa, on the other hand, will ignore me for days until I come grovelling at her doorstep. She's like me – we need to feel needed, we need others to make us feel important because we can't do it for ourselves. How pathetic is that?

I wander home alone, after leaving asphodels on the graves, thinking things through. Oh what a sorry mess this all is.


	56. No Stupid Risks

**A/N:**** Hi... it's been a while. I hope you had a great Christmas/Hanukkah/Eid/week! I thought that it would be cool if I posted on the last day of 2015 - also it's Voldemort's birthday today. Happy birthday Tom Riddle (you evil soul-sucking bastard). **

**So yeah... I have a bit of a plot-thingy lined up which may or may not work out but oh well. You've stuck with me this far - so thank you for that. You're awesome!**

**Anyway, have a wonderfully fantastic new year! Enjoy.**

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

JUNE 1981

* * *

I got the letter from Dumbledore this morning – I have a job at Hogwarts, as Potions professor. I start in September. All that's left to do now is infiltrate the Order and I'll have done at least two of the things I always said I would do but I don't know if I can face Lily. I've hurt her enough, if she saw me again… On the other hand, I doubt she'd talk to me. Not with bloody Potter with her all the time and the Marauders too. Maybe sometimes you have to do something to help someone and put up with the fact that you'll never be credited for helping them, never be treated fairly whilst you do, always be the outsider… but that's the type of sacrifice you have to make.

Narcissa and I are friends again but it's not the same as it was. There's a wall between us now, an immovable barrier. I felt this with Lily. I wonder how she is. Harry must be turning a year old soon. Harry James Potter. Harry godforsaken Potter. I hate him already. His existence seems to be fate's cruel way of teaching me some kind of lesson – that Death Eaters don't find love, or at least, the ones like me don't. Narcissa and Lucius are just something else entirely.

The Dark Lord is restless but busy – the number of battles is increasing to the point at which the attacks aren't even organised, some Death Eaters have gone rogue and attack everyone and everything. Those are the ones that have been tortured, usually for the amusement of other Death Eaters. Some of them like to see how much they can take.

Bellatrix is like some kind of deathly whirlwind – completely unstoppable and killing everything in her path. Narcissa hasn't slept properly in months what with Lucius away so often. Sometimes (it is becoming more and more regular to my displeasure), I look after Draco either with Narcissa or whilst Narcissa is out with a few of her remaining close friends. However, the Malfoys have friends in high places and are becoming vastly more popular. Wealth does that, as does having a high status in Voldemort's movement. Lucius is gaining status in society whilst I am gaining little more than a reputation. It's strange to see people look at you, and then back away in terror, it's odd when people refuse to meet your eyes and it's nothing short of peculiar when people stutter in front of you. Is this what I have become? Something to fear? Is that what Lily sees? What if she flinches away from me when we next meet? How could I ever forgive myself if she backed away from me?

People like Bellatrix revel in this reaction, the idea of people being afraid of them – I on the other hand, don't like it. I don't like the isolation much at all. I never enjoyed people's company but now, it bothers me ever so slightly. I'm used to people ignoring me, shunning me and pushing me away because of how I looked but it is different now.

The only thing that worries me is that I'm beginning to like it – the grudging respect. I hold myself differently now, my comportment is that of a true aristocrat and perhaps I am being hypocritical to my younger self that once scorned the likes of Malfoy and Mulciber, but I try my best not to dwell on the past.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

ORDER MEETING

* * *

The Order meeting is in full swing. Most people showed up – a few are missing, most notably Alice Smith and the Prewett twins. I've brought Harry with me; he's in my arms now. James didn't want me to bring him but there was nobody who could have looked after him, even Bathilda was out. Besides, I've missed so much already and the security this time is through the roof and Harry keeps Padfoot entertained, which is a relief to us all.

We're going through statistics now, how many battles, how many losses, how many Death Eaters captured, etc. It gets worse as the list goes on.

"… and there have been murmurings that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is looking for something."

"Or someone," Hestia says, darkly, "I heard that he is searching for someone with great and immense power –"

"I've heard the same," Emmeline chimes in, her face looking tired and wrinkled, "that he's hunting someone."

"Then they have the power to help us!"

"Or to destroy us," Sturgis says.

"I heard that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has a new weapon."

"I heard that he has a spy."

"It would explain why the Dark side is always one step ahead of us."

"Any why they're always there before we are, waiting."

"He's recruiting giants," Sturgis says, looking sideways at Hagrid.

"And werewolves," Benjy adds, a few people back away from Remus.

Oh for heaven's sake. After all we've been through, they're actually considering that Remus and Hagrid could be traitors? Not bloody likely.

"Albus?" Minerva gives him a purposeful look.

She walks to his side and puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Please," he says, raising a hand to silence them, "I too have heard similarly distressing things but we cannot assume that everything we hear is true. People are scared and we're all in the dark – no one knows what is going to happen. I don't have some spectacular plan that's going to save us all, so if you were under that impression then you have been misled. This," he gestures to us all, "is what we have and we have to do our best with it."

"So there isn't a spy?"

Albus sighs, looking suddenly weathered and old.

"I don't know. I'd like to think not."

"I don't care what you'd _like_ to think. Surely we don't have that luxury anymore!"

"Now please, I know just as much as anyone that the danger we're facing seems invincible – but it is not. Have courage, have faith, the last thing we should do is give up."

"I've got some information on a known Death Eater's whereabouts. If we can get a team together, no more than five people…" Alastor speaks up, his electric blue eye darting around us.

Alice makes a move to speak.

"No," Franks cuts in immediately, "no, Alice, please… think of Neville."

"I _am_ thinking of Neville!" she says, "I want him to grow up in a world that isn't full of Death Eaters and I want him to know that you shouldn't not do the right thing simply because it is dangerous."

"I'm with Al," I say, handing Harry to James, "whatever it takes."

"Fine," Frank sighs, "then count me in as well."

"Me too," Marlene says.

"And me," Dorcas says.

"You understand that you're going to be directly conversing with Death Eaters? That your lives will be potentially under direct attack?" Alastor says.

We murmur in agreement. The meeting ends, James waits behind, holding Harry.

"Lil…" he trails off looking at me with worry.

"Whatever stupid thing you're going to say about my life being in danger, stop. My life will always be in danger; it has been since I started Hogwarts."

"So don't go throwing yourself into the danger!"

"It seems perfectly acceptable when you do it."

"Lily…"

"You don't understand what it's like. Some people look at me like I'm worthless, like I'm something dirty and foreign. It doesn't matter how good you are at Potions, or how talented you are at duelling – to them, a Mudblood is a Mudblood. That's why I joined the Order and that's why Remus and I get on so well. We understand what it's like to be inferior."

"You're not inferior," he says angrily.

"I know that," I say softly, caressing his cheek, "but they don't. I have a duty to myself not to back out. I joined the Order straight away after I left school and I understood the sacrifices I had to make – I want to do this."

"Don't get yourself killed," he says, gripping my hand tightly.

"I'll try my best."

"I know. The only reason I'm not trying to talk you out of it is because I know I'd be wasting my breath," he chuckles, "I'll talk to Alastor, see if I can get on the mission as well –"

"Whatever it is your planning, don't take stupid risks," I say, looking at him seriously.

He sighs before kissing me quickly, we then gather around to where Alastor is standing.

Alastor explains the mission to us. We're going to disguise ourselves as wealthy Purebloods who sympathise with Voldemort. There's a party being held at Malfoy Manor to celebrate the Dark side's success in cleansing the world – the blood purity sympathisers are gathering to donate money and drink in honour of the Death Eaters. We're going to attend in hope to unveil more Death Eater identities, perhaps evens locate them in order to capture them but that's not our problem, Alastor says, all we have to do is sit tight, be convincing and discover some information. For example, quite a few Aurors who worked closely in the Order have been captured and if possible, we'd like to get them out alive. It's possible they know something that could help us and maybe the Death Eaters at the party might hint at where they are. It's a long shot but we've got to try and get inside somehow. We've got to try and infiltrate their ranks and it's too late to plant someone there now, this might just work. More Order members should arrive later as back up; a duel will probably ensue…

I'm to be the Lady Andrea Selwyn – young distant niece of some Death Eater. The real Death Eater Selwyn is currently away on "business". Alastor is convinced that they'll never guess, but I'm not so sure. Al is so much more confident than I am about this but she's a pureblood, as are Frank and Marlene. Dorcas is a half-blood but she has a way of being in "higher" society, she just seems to fit right in with them. I, however, have never been to a dinner party let alone some pureblood ball with a load of aristocratic patricians. I don't know how to act, how to speak, or even how to _dance_ like they do. I'll stick out like a sore thumb.

Oh well, I can learn. If there's one thing I can do – it's learn.

I saw Wormy the other day. I've been seeing him more and more recently. I suppose it has something to do with Alice who has disappeared. Apparently they had a relationship – a passionate one by the sounds of it, but something happened and they broke up. Wormy doesn't want to talk about it – and I can see the guilt in his eyes so I know the break up was probably messy. Padfoot says he'll get over it but I'm not so sure. Wormy has this look in his eye whenever he's around Sirius. He's angry, I know he is, and he has every right to be – Sirius slept with his girlfriend, or rather, ex-girlfriend. I just wish that Wormy would talk to Sirius instead of letting his emotions build up inside to the point where he's just angry and he begins to hate Sirius. I don't want that to happen, the Marauders have always stuck together through thick and thin. The idea of them being divided and broken up by animosity is incomprehensible.

James was surprised by my reaction to Alice's disappearance – I think he thinks of me as a little callous. I told him that I'd learned when it's time to let go. She changed too much, drifted away too fast and she left Mar and me behind to pick up all the pieces she left behind. Our friendship with her was unbalanced and one-sided; she got too used to the idea of Mar and me just _being_ there and never once considered, towards the end, how we must be feeling. She was just never around. How can you be friends with someone who's never there? It gets to the point where you can't even remember why you were ever friends in the first place. I looked back, I tried to find something to hold on to but there was nothing there. It was just like what happened with Severus – she became a ghost to me but I won't let myself be haunted any longer. I won't let it happen again. She just left and went away, like she always does when things get too hard. No, she's not my friend – not any more.

In other news, Molly is seven-ish months pregnant with Ginny – who will be the first female Weasley to be born in several generations and her seventh child. She thinks this will be her last child, which is a bit of a relief for poor Arthur who, last time I saw him, was covered in paint and feathers (apparently the twins like leaving paint and feathers around, in order to target unsuspecting family members. They'll be troublemakers for sure.). Anyway, I'm excited for Molly, she'll have a daughter and although she does love her boys, I think it'll be nice for her to have another girl in the house.

Speaking of which, Al is often at Potter's Cottage. Sometimes she brings Frank and Neville along too but other times, she comes alone. Al is like the sister I never had – she's hilariously practical, very compassionate and I love her to pieces. I can't think why we weren't closer in Hogwarts but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that she was flirting with Frank – an ex-boyfriend of Marlene so…

Marlene has been busier than ever in the Order, she's burying herself in work. I think she's a little lost. She's been shutting me out a lot but recently, she's been around a lot more. She's talking to me more and we're getting closer again but it's not the same. My friendship circles have all shifted and I don't like it.

Anyway, Harry's going to be a year old soon – I can't believe that it's almost been a whole year. He's so sweet and he reminds me of James. Harry's started walking – he's wobbly but he can stand when he really tries. Of course Sirius is over the moon with him – he's got Harry this toy dog that he's named Padfoot and is frequently trying to get Harry to say "Padfoot" but I don't think Harry's quite there yet- he has his own language. Harry adores Sirius, he really does, whenever he hears Sirius' motorbike (yes, he has a motorbike and he and James are very excited about it), he does this smile of his and it makes me happy knowing that he is happy.

Bathilda is around a lot as well, she brings books for Harry, which we read to him. One of the books she gave us is the Tales of Beedle the Bard which was published in the 15th century. They are very dark fairytales that Harry, James, Sirius, Remus and Wormy love to hear me read for some reason. We keep Saturday afternoons free (so long as there isn't a full moon) and the Marauders all come around to our house and I read stories, we drink wine (with exception of Harry of course) and eat dinner together. It's nice because I know they don't get together a lot anymore for various reasons. Remus always brings a loaf of bread that he's made, Sirius brings Firewhisky and Wormy brings these biscuits that his mother makes. It doesn't always work out (sometimes Remus just isn't up to it and Wormy disappears) but we try.


	57. Love and Implausibility

**A/N:**** Hi! I've been gone a little while but no matter - I really wanted to thank you all for sticking with me, for reviewing (ElsaElphieGinny, Alyia and BeanerWeasley thank you so so much!), for favourite-ing and following and generally supporting me. It means a lot to me that you're giving up your time to read this - so yeah, thank you.**

**Anyway, I hope you've had a lovely week. Enjoy!**

**(R.I.P Alan Rickman. He was truly an inspiration and we'll all miss him. /*)**

* * *

27TH JUNE 1981

POTTER'S COTTAGE

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"… and he knelt in the flecked morning light and wept until the sun was high in the sky."

I sip my tea and set the book down. I'd read them the ballet story of Giselle (or _Giselle, ou les Wilis_).

"Wait," Sirius says, frowning, "so there are these creatures – wilis **(pronounced why-lees, if you were wondering)**\- that dance men to death and are kind of like Veela but they're all heartbroken because they've been hurt and misled by men?"

"Well yes, in Muggle Polish mythology, the wila are the same as the vila from South-Slavic mythology and they are basically the Veela in the Wizarding world."

"Right, okay, and Giselle falls in love with this guy-"

"Duke Albrecht of Silesia," I cut in.

"Why's it always some kind of rich guy?" Wormtail sighs.

"…but he's actually engaged to another girl, right?"

"The Princess Bathilde, daughter of the Duke of Courtland," I confirm.

"Hey, isn't your neighbour called Bathilde?"

"Her name is Bathilda," I try not to laugh.

"Anyway, so he disguises himself as a peasant –"

"Called Loys."

"Can you just shut up; I'm trying to get my head around this bloody story for Muggles."

"Sorry."

"Sh! So he disguises himself as a peasant and tells Giselle that he loves her with all his heart and soul. So she has no idea who this guy is? She just accepts that he loves her and agrees to marry him?"

"It's just a story, Sirius."

"A story that is completely implausible. Right, so this other guy, Hilarious or whatever he's called –"

"Hilarion, the village gamekeeper."

"Do you think he looks anything like Hagrid?" Wormy muses.

"I don't think Hilarion was half-giant," Remus says dryly.

"Okay, so Hilarian-"

"Hilarion."

"Whatever, that guy is already in love with Giselle and gets _really_ jealous and tries to win her back by telling her that Albert –"

"Albrecht."

"Will you stop correcting me? Right, so he tells her that Loys is really a prince and that the guy is already betrothed to some other girl. So this happens when a load of noblemen come to town and have a big party and Bathilde is with them so the prince scurries off. Bathilde meets Giselle and they get all friendly and she gives Giselle a necklace and we're all thinking '_awkward_' 'cause Bathilde is chatting away about her engagement to the Duke Albrecht, and Giselle is talking about her engagement to Loys, and neither has any idea whatsoever… Anyway, Hilarion finds Albrecht's sword and presents it as proof that Loys is not who he says he is – he is in fact, Duke Albrecht!"

"Shock horror," Wormy says, amused by Sirius' retelling of the story. Maybe he's finally warming back up to Sirius.

"So Giselle's all heartbroken and full of grief and she has some kind of fit – which sounds interesting to watch in a ballet- and then dies in Albrecht's arms."

"That part was so sad," Wormtail interjects.

"It was," Sirius sighs.

"She died because her heart was very weak, that's why her mother is so overprotective of her."

"That's not the end of the story though, because that would be boring and not tragic enough so she then becomes a Wili."

"The Wili queen is a bitch," James says.

"She's a misandristic bitch," Remus adds.

"A misandristic bitch with a _name_ – Queen Myrtha."

"Right, yeah, so Queen Myrtha hates men and she kills any man that happens to get lost in the woods. So both Albrecht and Hilarion are in the forest to mourn at Giselle's grave but Hilarion was there first and he is killed by the Wilis. The Wilis use their magic to make him dance until he's nearly dead before pushing him into the lake where he then drowns."

"It's his own fault," Wormtail says, "his jealousy killed Giselle."

"But if he hadn't told her Albrecht's true identity, she'd have died of heartbreak anyway when she inevitably discovered that he was engaged to another girl. It's not like Albrecht's parents would let their heir marry some peasant girl – Albrecht misled her and he must have known they could never marry," James reasons.

"You don't think Albrecht and Giselle could have been happy together? Because she's a peasant?" I frown.

"Of course not, but socially, it just wasn't done," James sighs.

"Well you're a Pureblood and I'm just a Mudblood –"

"Don't call yourself that," James and Remus both say sharply.

"Why not? That's what I am. If it 'isn't done' then why did you marry me?"

"I love you and I was never engaged to anybody else and I never deceived you about my marital status."

"Albrecht never _chose_ to marry Bathilde – his parents decided for him when he was a baby," I say, still quite angry.

"No, but he _chose_ to lie about his engagement to Bathilde out of lust."

"So it's all Albrecht's fault?" Remus asks.

"Guys, I think that it was Giselle's fault for falling for his bullshit. True love is the acme of ignorance – no offence, Lily."

"That's a little cynical of you, Sirius. Besides, can you really blame her? In those days, women were forced to marry or else end up poor and alone – if a young handsome man comes along and is good to her, why would she turn him down?"

"So you agree," James says, "times were different back then. Time are different now, Lily, I married you for you – it had nothing to do with blood status."

"Yes, those were different times but the difference in worth between those of Pureblood and Muggle-born in society has never been more prominent! You must have noticed the looks and the comments you were getting at Hogwarts and out and about now, every day. They think I'm beneath you, that you've sullied and tarnished your bloodline, that I'm filth –"

"Of course I bloody well noticed! Do you think I care about _any_ of that? It's a load of bullshit, that's what I think and if they knew just how intelligent and talented and wonderful you really were – they'd see it too. No, some people don't agree with my life choices but I don't give a flying fuck what they think. Even my own parents weren't thrilled but you know what? Families are supposed to support each other and I love you. It isn't fair. I know it's not, I have to fight to keep myself from cursing anybody that so much as sneers at you – or Moony. Some people are prejudiced bastards and there isn't a thing in the world you can say or do to change them. Those people are just not worth the time."

"Amen to that," Padfoot announces, raising his glass.

"I know it's not easy being friends with a werewolf," Remus says, Wormtail snorts, "but ah, thanks I suppose… I mean if I had my way –"

"You'd be suffering alone and be in even more pain and probably have killed someone by now," Sirius mutters.

"Thanks, Padfoot, but yeah – that's pretty much what would have happened."

"Okay, enough with the emotional crap, back to Giselle. Whilst the Wilis are distracted killing Hilarion, Albrecht is at Giselle's grave crying his eyes out. He's there giving his soliloquy on how he truly loved her and that he doesn't love Bathilde – but his parents betrothed him to her when he was a baby and he goes on and on about how all he ever wanted was to marry her, even though it was forbidden. So Giselle's spirit creeps up behind him and he's all dazed in horror and joy and she forgives him for all that he's done because she still loves him, even though she's dead. So she disappears to join the Wilis herself and Albrecht, being the stupid prick he is, follows her."

"He was desperate," Remus says.

"He was reckless and suicidal."

"You're one to talk," Remus snorts, "aren't you forgetting that you're the most reckless person here, apart from maybe Prongs?"

"Oh come on, Moony. When have Prongs and I ever been reckless and thrown ourselves into a situation that could end in our deaths?"

"Where do I start? How about the motorbike chase with those policemen?"

"That was only a bit of fun," James says.

"A what now please? You two got involved in a motorbike chase with _policemen_?" I can feel my anger rising, honestly, how _stupid_ can you get?

"Now you've done it Moony," James sighs.

"Yeah, thanks a lot Moony," Sirius says, scowling.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

Great. Moony just had to bring up the motorbike incident, from _four_ years ago! Jeesh, he really needs to let some things go.

"Someone please tell me what happened," Lily looks livid already. Shit.

"Prongs," Moony urges.

"It was nothing, really, Lily. It was fun at first and then it kind of… wasn't. It got a bit out of control."

"How out of control?"

Ahh, I'm seeing all the danger signs.

"Erm…" I contemplate how much to tell her.

"They got attacked by three men on broomsticks and then proceeded to get rid of their attackers by levitating a police car which the attackers then crashed into," Moony finishes for me.

"James…" her tone is very, very enraged. I am slightly scared, "what the bloody hell were you _thinking_? You could have got hurt, or someone else could have got hurt; you could have been _seen _for all we know! That was such an idiotic thing to do! And you!"

She whirls around to face Padfoot.

"I can't _believe_ you, wait, I can! Oh for Merlin's sake!"

"Jeez, Lily, clam down," Padfoot says, getting up, "it happened, like what? Four years ago?"

"Four years ago?! And you never thought to tell me?"

"Well done Padfoot," I groan, "you made it worse."

"I'm going to make a cup of tea," Lily says, stalking off to the kitchen.

I stare after her before turning to Padfoot who is struggling between trying to maintain a serious expression and collapsing into a fit of laughter. He can't control himself and he bursts into infectious guffaws. I start laughing too, Lily storms in.

"It's not bloody funny!" she yells at us but that just makes Padfoot laugh harder which makes me laugh.

"It –" laugh, "-kind of-" laugh, "-is."

"Urgh, you two!" she says exasperated, but the corners of her mouth are tugging into a smile.

Padfoot is on the floor rolling around, Moony is trying his best not to laugh too hard and Wormy's just collapsed into raucous giggles. I grab Lily's hand and pull her into me, her body relaxes and the tension in her face lessens. I kiss her deeply.

"I'm still angry," she says, against my neck.

"Nah, you're not."

"I am."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Now who's being immature?"

"Oh shut up," she says, hitting my arm playfully.

Padfoot gets up; his face red and still grinning like an absolute imbecile.

"Okay, where was I? Albrecht had followed her into the middle of the wood, right?"

"Are you still going on about that ballet?" Moony asks.

"Yes! I am still going on about that bloody ballet. So the Wilis find Albrecht and sentence him to the same fate as Hilarion but Giselle pleads for them to spare him – Queen Myrtha, however, being the heartless bitch she is refuses and makes Albrecht dance until, on the horizon, the sun rises! The power of Giselle's love for Albrecht counters the Wilis' magic and spares his life – I think that part is fucked up on so many levels."

"How do you mean?" Wormtail asks.

"Well, the magical power of the Wilis is defeated by some hopeless Romeo-Juliet-esque love-at-first-sight romance."

"So?"

"_So_, that's completely improbable."

"You're taking the story too literally," Lily says, "the message is: love conquers all."

"Stupid message, stupid story – go figure."

"Anyway, Albrecht survives."

"Yeah, despite the odds, he survives. The other Wilis are forced to go back to their graves at daybreak but not Giselle – because she has broken through the hatred and vengeance that controls the Wilis! She is now, forevermore, released from their powers! Giselle bids a tender farewell to Albrecht and returns to her grave to rest in peace."

"So now Albrecht has closure because Giselle forgives him and still loves him and it's all beautiful," Wormtail says, sounding a little teary (he did cry when Lily read the ending out).

"Fucking unrealistic," Padfoot says angrily, "that's not how it happens in _real life_. In real life, you don't get closure, you don't reconcile with the dead and they definitely don't tell you that they love you."

"Sirius…" Lily sighs, sipping her tea.

"I don't care, that's not real – not realistic at all."

"Is this about Marlene?" Moony asks.

"What do you mean?"

"All that stuff about love being stupid, true love not existing."

"Well it doesn't."

"Just because you haven't found it yet."

"And you have?" Padfoot says coldly.

"I didn't say that."

"You're very good at not saying anything, aren't you?"

"This again?"

"Well seeing as you're just waiting for another fight to bring it up again, then yes, this again."

"You're the one who's bringing it up!"

"Like you weren't going to!"

"I wasn't!"

"Right… how long were you going to wait to tell me? Were you just going to let it separate us?"

"Well you're the one who slept with her!" Moony explodes. What is going on?

"And I keep telling you, you don't have the right to be angry about that."

"_The right_? You didn't have the right to do that to Wormtail!"

"Oh, so now it's all about poor little Wormtail – bet you weren't thinking of him when you were trying to snog Alice."

Moony's face is getting redder by the second.

"I didn't –"

"That's not what it looked like!"

"Well I don't care what it _looked_ like! I was trying to talk to her-"

"And what? Confess your feelings of undying love?"

"Maybe, I don't know, I was drunk."

"So now that makes it okay? You've changed your tune."

"Well it doesn't matter now, does it? Because she finds me repulsive and disgusting and vile… Are you happy now?"

Moony looks almost in tears, damn, I didn't know that he'd confronted Alice. Why does no one ever tell me anything?

Lily has her arm around Moony and she's angrily whispering something in his ear – making him do his half-laugh thing. She looks up and throws a dirty look at Padfoot. Padfoot looks absolutely torn and Wormtail looks like he's dithering between being absolutely furious and sympathetic – the result is quite comical.

"I – Moony, I didn't know… I just saw…" Padfoot, looking depressingly helpless goes over to where Lily and Moony are standing.

Lily eyes him warily, oddly possessive of Moony.

"I know you didn't, I wish you wouldn't assume things about me – it just sort of makes you like everybody else," Moony says, his voice strained.

"I'm sorry –"

"I know," Moony says, pulling Padfoot in for a hug.

"You are a lot of things, Moony, but repulsive, disgusting and vile? I don't think so – you're like, the cleanest person I know. No one cares more about personal hygiene than you. Don't you dare believe anything she said – I never liked her, you know. Sorry, Wormtail – she was kind of heartless."

"What can I say? I have a refined taste in women," Wormtail says.

"And I don't believe I ever really gave you an apology, Wormtail. I shouldn't have done that to you, it wasn't fair and it wasn't cool. So yeah, I'm sorry."

"That's okay –" Wormtail starts.

"No it's not – it's a shitty thing to do to your friend and you're a decent guy – you'd never do anything even half as terrible to me."

"Well… live and let live, right?" Wormtail amends, looking very uncomfortable. Maybe it's because he knows that tomorrow, Padfoot is very likely to hit him with a firework or something – I won't go into details in case Padfoot's suspicion is right and Lily can read minds.

So we all sit back down again, drinking wine, playing Exploding Snap and reconciled with one another – I hope.


	58. The Art of Being Convincing

**A/N: Hi! I've been bullied into posting some chapters that I wasn't 100% certain about (you can blame my sister for that) but yeah, I hope they're okay. Happy birthday Lily Potter for yesterday! This chapter has the sub-plot thingy I was on about - I don't know, maybe it doesn't work - tell me what you think.**

**Enjoy and have a lovely day!**

* * *

MALFOY MANOR

LILY'S P.O.V

JULY 1981

* * *

"Just clam down L-Andrea," Dorcas, disguised as a young woman named Elise hisses at me.

"I'm trying!"

"Just remember what I told you – keep the attention away from yourself, be sickeningly polite and never voice a strong opinion. Don't worry," she says, smiling, "you've got this."

"Try telling my hands that," I sigh, looking down at my shaking hands.

"You've got nothing to worry about," she says, "we'll go in together, just copy what I do and everything will be fine."

Right. Everything will be fine, I'm just about to go into a room full of Death Eaters who are physically disgusted by my blood and would ordinarily sooner kill me than look at me. Yep, I'm sure everything will be perfectly fine.

We enter. The wards and protection charms are strong and the not-so-discrete security charms scan us. I tense nervously with bated breath. Phew, we haven't been discovered yet. Just smile and act natural. You're a Pureblood lady, you're one of them, they don't hate you, they don't want to torture you to death – all they want is to engage in forced conversation, dance and part you from your money.

We go through the gates. The Malfoy Manor is – in a word- stunning. Every detail from the skirting boards to the incandescent chandeliers is meticulously coordinated, brilliantly designed and ostentatiously expensive. Dorcas – sorry I mean _Elise_\- glares at me and I try to relax and keep my evidently apparent awe under control. She leads us to a bunch of smartly dressed gentlemen and to where Alice (disguised as a lady named Gwyneth) is standing.

I walk with her and smile courteously at them whilst she does the talking. It's so strange… they're all so gracious and civil and _pleasant_. They don't glare at me, they don't spit at me – instead they _smile_. I'm sort of stunned into silence.

"My lady, may I introduce you to my friend?" a charming young man that I think I recognise asks Elise.

"Severus Snape," he says, I freeze at that. Why? Why is here? I thought he hated parties.

"Bonjour, Monsieur Snape," Elise replies. Perhaps I forgot to mention, Elise is supposed to be French. Luckily Dorcas can speak French.

"This is Elise Rosier," Snape's friend says.

"Enchanté de faire votre connaissance" Snape says, kissing her hand. My word, his French accent is painful.

"De meme," Elise smiles back at him.

He turns towards me, a strained smile plastered on his face. His clear discomfort is a little reassuring.

"I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting," Snape says, "I'm Severus Snape."

"Andrea Selwyn," I reply, holding out my hand, finally managing to form coherent words.

"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Lady Selwyn."

"As am I to make yours."

"May I get you a drink?"

"Yes please."

I follow him over to the end of the gigantic hall. He hands me an elegant champagne glass worth surely three times as much as my home on Edwards Street. He raises his and I mimic him, my heart thumping in my chest, anger flowing through my veins.

"To your health, Lady Selwyn."

I discretely sniff the drink – restoration potion and revealing charms in one. I should warn the others. I pretend to sip the drink.

"Are you from around here?" he asks.

I know that look, he's suspicious. Despite my innate urge to curse him right then and there, I smile and conduct myself with the air of a Pureblood lady.

"No," I say, "I'm visiting a few relations of mine. You?"

"Not in any way that matters."

"How cryptic," I force a smile. He smiles back.

"You remind me of someone, Lady Selwyn."

"Oh?" my heart rate quickens.

"A good friend of mine."

"Really? Tell me, what is this friend like?"

"She's… talented, more talented than anyone I've ever met. She's kind, warm-hearted, intelligent and very brave."

"Then I'm honoured to be held in such a complimentary comparison."

He smiles yet looks lost at the same time. Damn it, Lily, don't you dare feel sorry for him he's a Death Eater; he tried to kill you… Whilst restraining my more violent tendencies, we talk for a while, but hardly about the Death Eater movement. It's small talk, all hinting at something deeper, if only I could get him to open up. He's being deliberately careful with his words - as am I.

"What do you think of the party?" he asks.

"Pleasant."

"If you have the taste for such things."

"Are you well acquainted with the hosts?"

"Yes, the Lady Malfoy is a friend of mine."

A friend of his? That's new.

"What of the Lord?"

"He's… a charming man."

That's a lie.

"I could introduce you, if you'd like."

"I'd like that very much."

We walk over to where Narcissa is standing beside an over-dressed man.

"Narcissa, you look simply divine," the man talking to her says, kissing her hand.

"Indeed, you look resplendent Narcissa," Snape says, he glowers at the other man and the man makes his excuses before he absquatulates.

"Narcissa, may I introduce to you the Lady Andrea Selwyn. Lady Selwyn, this is Narcissa Malfoy."

"Honoured to make your acquaintance," I say.

"And I yours."

She smiles at me, then at Snape, a knowing look in her eyes. Surely she doesn't think that he and I…?

"If you'll excuse me," I say to them both, walking over to where Elise is standing.

I'm not entirely sure if I'm allowed to leave without the unnecessarily enigmatic permission of my class superior but never mind.

"Elise," I greet her.

"Andrea," she replies in her French accent.

"Don't drink anything," I whisper to her, "revealing potion – it'll undo all the aesthetic charms."

"How do you know?"

"I have a NEWT in Potions and a lot of spare time, trust me."

"Have you warned the others?"

"Not yet, could you?"

"Oui," she replies, before walking off – winking at me.

"Who's that?" Severus voice comes from behind me, I jump, "sorry," he frowns, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's fine. That was Elise, a friend of mine."

"Elise? The French one?"

"Yes," I confirm.

"Something's off about her."

"How do you mean?" I gulp.

"How close of a friend is she?"

"Quite close, why?"

"Has she been acting odd recently? Walking around in a daydream?"

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry, it's none of my business. You can't be too careful these days though."

"Indeed," I force a slight laugh.

"How long are you here for?"

"I don't know, no more than a few weeks I think."

"Are you enjoying your stay?"

"As much as I can – I miss my home."

"Do you live too far away?"

"Far enough."

"What's your home like?"

"Empty," I say honestly, thinking of Edwards Street.

"I know what you mean," he says and I know that he does.

"What about your home?"

"Full of ghosts," he jokes, but he's half serious.

We talk again, until I (as Lily Potter, of course) come up in conversation again. Snape's had a few drinks by this time, getting more and more relaxed by the minute.

"She was… lovely, really perfect…"

"What happened to her?"

"Oh… she went away," he looks down, "she went a long way away."

"I'm sorry," I say, repressing my anger.

"Me too," he looks up, "but what about you? What are your friends like?"

"Mostly non-existent," I say and he laughs. Of course it's not true but I want him to feel as though we have some sort of understanding of one another.

"Elise?"

"She's lovely," I shrug, "but she doesn't understand me."

"Does she have to?"

"I like to think that I'm understood, that someone understands the way that I am – that I'm not just what I appear to be, that I'm not defined by one aspect of my being. I like to be treated like the multi-faceted, multi-dimensional person I am."

"I like you, Lady Selwyn."

"Please, call me Andrea."

"Andrea," he muses, "a lovely name."

"And you're Severus?"

"Indeed."

"So, Severus, what is it you do when you're not socialising with the bourgeoisie?"

"I teach," he says, "at Hogwarts, actually."

Well, there's another surprise.

"Hogwarts," I say at last, "I've heard of it."

"You didn't go?"

"No, I went to Beauxbatons."

"Ah yes," he acknowledges, "_l'académie de magie Beauxbâtons_."

His French accent really is awful.

"Yes, I met Elise there."

"I didn't think you went to Hogwarts. If you had, I'd remember you."

"You're quite the charmer, Serverus."

"I don't mean to be."

He sips more of his drink.

"Would you care to dance?" he asks, outstretching his hand.

I'd rather not dance with him but I know better than to decline. I don't remember him ever being able to dance anyway.

"Certainly," I say, taking his hand.

We dance with an awkward flair not unlike that of two adolescents dancing for the first time with no sense of rhythm. His dancing is as abysmal as his French.

"I'm not much of a dancer," he admits.

_You don't say. _

"Yet you ask for a dance anyway? How… noble of you."

He looks taken aback – maybe I overdid it with the flattery?

"Well, erm, I suppose… thank you."

His graciousness (or lack thereof) is enough to make me want to laugh but I stifle the urge. He suddenly winces.

"Are you alright?" I rush to him, struggling to keep a convincing look of concern on my face.

"Yes, yes," he dismisses, rubbing his Dark Mark. It's all I can do not to recoil in disgust - as if I need a reminder of why my parents died.

"Does it hurt you?"

"A little," he says by which he means a lot.

"What does it mean?" I ask, indicating his arm.

"He's close," Severus yelps.

"How close?"

"Very, very close," Severus mutters.

"What's he here for?"

"I imagine…" he trails off, looking up, frozen.

"What is it?"

Severus straightens up and looks directly ahead of him. I turn to see what he's looking at and then I freeze too. My heart practically stops – James is here, tied up, bloodied and bruised. A few Death Eaters loom over him. It takes all my willpower to not rush to him and stun every Death Eater in a mile's radius. How on earth did this happen? I try not to let emotion show in my face – I can't give away my cover and compromise our position.

"Who's that?" I ask, in the coldest voice I can manage.

"An old enemy of mine," he murmurs. He isn't looking at me anymore.

"Enemy?"

"We didn't get along as children. He was vile, cruel and impertinent," Snape says bitterly.

"What is he doing here then? He surely can't have been invited."

"I don't know – but I intend to find out."

He walks over. I stay behind- I don't want to seem too obvious. I can hear well enough from where I am, as can he rest of the room though they pretend as though they can't.

"Potter," he sneers, walking up to him, wine glass in hand.

"Snivellus," James says without bothering to look up.

"That's getting old," Snape says, sighing, before kicking James in the ribs – hard.

James doubles over, coughing up blood. I can't watch this but if I go over now, I'll blow the whole operation and put all of our lives at risk. I look away, anger bubbling inside me.

"I never thought I'd see the day," Severus announces, engaging the entire ballroom, "James Potter- Gryffindor's hero- brought to his knees."

James meets his stare, somewhat indifferently.

"Look at you," Severus says, laughing, "you're pathetic. Nothing but a weak, ignorant, injudicious –"

"Look at yourself, Snivellus," James says quietly, "look at what you've achieved."

"I've achieved far greater than you have," Snape says, looking amused.

"Really?" James casts a sagacious look around the ballroom – his eyes scan right over me. "To me, it seems you've achieved very little."

"And what do you have that's worth having?"

"Friends, money, a _life_."

Snape stiffens before kicking James again. I don't think I can stand this for much longer.

"There's no one to save you this time, Potter; none of your stupid little sycophantic lapdogs to back you up."

"You're –one – to – talk about – sycophants," he wheezes.

"At least I'm not a blood traitor."

"You've changed your tune," James says, "finally gotten over my wife?"

"She's scum," Snape spits, "dirty Mudblood scum."

"Typical," James snorts, pulling himself off of the floor and onto his knees, "you're all the same. Ignorant rich people reciting archaic bullshit."

Snape shoots _Crucio_ at James. My anger almost bubbles over, threatening to take control whilst panic and pain flows through my own veins. Get it together, Lily. Narcissa rushes over – oh thank God. I never thought I'd be happy to see Narcissa but I am. Maybe she can stop him.

"Severus, please," she says, whispering some other things I can't quite catch. Snape sighs and lowers his wand.

"Lock him up," he orders to one of the Death Eaters.

He comes back over to me after brushing Narcissa off.

"Are you alright?"

"I think so."

"Don't worry; he's locked up in the cellar. He can't hurt you."

He just tortured someone and he thinks I'm threatened by _James_? Merlin, I thought he was intelligent. He seems to take my white face and panic as fear. How obtuse is he?

"Good," I force out.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes… I've never seen anyone be tortured before," I lie.

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I'm sorry he had the nerve to show up here."

"Well…" Snape sighs, "I hope you didn't believe what he said about me."

"Of course not," I say quickly.

"He thought he was amazing – in school, he stalked about like he owned the place."

"He married a Mudblood, didn't he?" a lady I hadn't noticed previously says standing next to us.

"Yes," Snape affirms.

"Tainting his blood like that," the lady says, sighing, "he's just as bad as the piece of filth he married."

"I quite agree."

"What's his Mudblood whore like?" the lady asks.

"Just as you described," Severus says half-heartedly.

"Word has it that you once found her beautiful."

Severus snorts, "Her? I'd sooner die."

The lady chortles and I try to join in. So this is truly what he thinks of me. Was he lying earlier on? I can't help feeling slightly sick. Instead, I distract myself thinking how I could rescue James.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

This evening is dragging out considerably. Potter showed up for some reason or other and without his little friends. I lost my temper with him and tortured him in front of everyone which wasn't the plan. I'd promised Narcissa that if I was going to spill any blood, it wouldn't be on her newly waxed floors… so much for that. I feel a little guilty about it – there's this lady, Andrea Selwyn, who is here at the party and I think she was rather shaken up by the ordeal. She's lovely and she reminds me of Lily – as, seemingly, does every girl these days. Narcissa keeps giving me meaningful looks when she's in close proximity to where Andrea and I are talking. It's irritating to say the least but I don't really mind. Andrea is charming.

I'm expecting the Dark Lord to make an appearance soon. He promised Narcissa faithfully that he'd come to her party – whether or not she invited him remains unclear. He may have questionable morals but one cannot deny that he is pragmatic and efficient. His every move is perfectly made, every hint carefully given and he has enough control over his followers to make them obey him but not so much that they are (always) stunned into body-bound, tongue-tied states whenever he is near. I won't be surprised if we win the war – we have the better side. One does wonder, sometimes, if it is the Dark Lord's intention to win the war at all. He seems rather… absent-minded when it comes to battle strategy – preferring, instead, to traipse off on his own to do individual missions for some greater goal he has neglected to inform us about.

All we know is that he is waiting for something – or someone. I imagine it has something to do with the prophecy. Very few of us are sure what exactly he is trying to accomplish. Some think it is world domination, others think it's the eradication of Muggles, others think that his aim is immortality. I say it is a combination. There is no doubt about it that the Dark Lord strives to conquer death but he also yearns for power and control. How he gets it and when doesn't seem overly important.

I've often entertained the idea of being immortal but my conclusion is that it is not something I want. The Dark Lord wants it though – he wants it so much he's willing to split his soul, damage himself and purge the world in order to get it. He certainly has motivation and anyone would be a fool to stop him.

Dumbledore thinks he can stop him and I'm willing to humour him. For now, I think I'll sort out my Potter problem and converse with Andrea before preparing for his visit. What a long night this will be.


	59. Flying, Drinking and Revelations

**A/N:**** Hello there! Before I say anything else, I would just like to thank everyone who has supported me thus far - I dedicate this chapter to the people who are still with me, reading this even though I look back at previous chapters and wonder what the hell I was thinking, this is for the people that have followed (90 followers!), favourite-ed (58 favourites!) and reviewed (over 100 reviews guys... I just - I'm speechless) and I just want you to know that I appreciate it - I appreciate you.**

**So have a lovely day, I wish you all the best in everything you decide to do (or not do- have a lazy day) and thank you. **

**Okay, enough with the emotional sappy stuff. Enjoy.**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

MALFOY MANOR

CELLAR

* * *

Well. My brilliant plan to ambush Snape, check up on Lily and set up the Portkey for the Order (in order of importance, of course) went about as well as Wormtail's attempt to console Moony after he blew up Moony's Muggle record collection. Though, to be fair, it's wasn't Wormtail's fault that Padfoot chucked the firework at him – Wormtail's eyebrows were completely singed off. Padfoot managed to escape without too many things being thrown at him. Moony was livid – it was my idea to use the fireworks, true, but it wasn't my fault that Padfoot lit them indoors and in close proximity to Moony's record collection.

Anyway, I now find myself in the cellar of Malfoy Manor, tied up and disarmed. This was not the plan. Hestia and Mary – who were sent after me as back up, are also here, tied up. I think the Death Eaters are finally getting organised. Having said that, however, it's probably not the wisest decision ever to have all your prisoners in one room but oh well.

I haven't seen Lily – she's doing a good job of disguising herself. Snivellus is standing outside the door; with a woman would you believe it? I know this because I can hear them talking. Her voice is melodic; she has jet black hair and an elaborate dress - essentially, she's a standard pureblood lady. She's the kind you're made to talk to at balls but never have anything interesting to say beyond some medieval conversation etiquette they were taught when they were about five. I'd sooner marry Wormtail than a girl like that who can't think for herself. I'm not sure why she's talking to Snivellus of all people – you'd think she'd have standards but who knows?

Hestia and Mary are gagged – I am not, I'm just bleeding everywhere, which they are not. I'm not very comfortable. My head hurts and every time I move, my stomach is in agony. If Padfoot were here, he'd do his helpless fish impression and make me laugh and then I wouldn't feel so miserable. If Moony were here, he'd formulate some plan to get us out. If Wormtail were here, he'd manage to wriggle himself out of his binds as a rat and cut through my binds with his teeth. If Lily were here, we never would have got caught in the first place, or if we did, we wouldn't be wandless. But none of them are here – it's just me on my own.

The door creaks open and someone comes down the stairs – it's the lady that was standing with Snape earlier, she lights her wand and looks around. Her eyes fall on me and she rushes over, hastily untying the binds around me. She then hugs me tightly before kissing me all over my face somewhat desperately. I can feel wet tears on her cheeks.

"Um… what are you doing?" I manage to get out between groans, my stomach hurts so much.

Who the hell is she? What the fuck is she doing?

"Can you stand?"

"No, I don't think so."

"You're bleeding," she summons her hand bag and routes around in it.

"What a revelation, I had no idea."

She drops some weird liquid (Dittany I think) on my stomach and jeez, that hurts. I wince, trying not to choke on the green smoke.

"Sorry," she says, holding her hand out to me and pulling me up, I stumble and she catches me, "help me untie Hestia and Mary."

"Okay… how do you know their names?"

She looks at me then rolls her eyes. There's something about her that is so familiar.

"Of course," she mutters, "James, you imbecile, it's me – Lily."

I squint at her, "I don't know who you think you are, but –"

"Oh shut up," she snaps, "we don't have time for this."

"Time?"

"I gave Snape a sleeping drought and a potion that accelerates and increases the effects of alcohol – it won't last forever. Look, I got all of your wands –"

"You were talking to Snape?"

"Yes, now move it, you can get out the back way –"

"What do you mean? You're coming too."

"No, James, I'm not."

"I can't leave you here –"

"You can and you will. You need to set up the Portkey. Dorcas knows where the Aurors are imprisoned – the mission is complete."

"How will you get out?"

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it," she says, shrugging me off.

"Cross it now," I say, grabbing her arm, "you said so yourself, the mission is complete."

"_Your_ mission is complete," Lily (I think it's really her) says, "I still need to get the others out alive."

"Lily –"

"Sh, no time, go," she leans in and kisses me; her breath – at least- is familiar.

"I prefer you Muggle-born and ginger," I tell her and she blushes.

"Seriously James, go."

"When Snape wakes up –"

"You think they're going to blame me for your escape?"

"Well yes –"

"I can handle him. Now go."

"Okay..."

For once I actually believe her.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I close the cellar door and walk back to the ball. Snape is still passed out. Once I'm in the hall, I go over to Narcissa.

"Oh hello, Andrea isn't it?" she beams at me.

"Yes," I reply, smiling.

"Where's Severus?" she asks.

"He told me to go back," I say honestly – because he did tell me to go back before he passed out from the sleeping potion I gave him. I then sneaked into the cellar and set James, Hestia and Mary free. He'll wake up soon.

"Ah," Narcissa grimaces, "he and James had a somewhat antagonistic relationship in school. Unfortunately, it seems to be a hatred that has continued into their adult life."

"Was it very bad in school?"

"Oh no," Narcissa says, "Just hexes, a few silly pranks and scares was all. They aggravated each other and grossly over-reacted. James had a few friends and they travelled around in a gang – pathetic individuals that mercilessly bullied younger children. It was abysmal…"

"He's been gone a while…" I note.

"Yes," Narcissa says worriedly, "would you mind checking on him?"

"Not at all," I smile, "er, which way is the cellar, I'm sorry –"

"That way," Narcissa points in the direction of the cellar – which I already knew the location of but I must act as though I am a complete stranger to the Manor and not as though I've been studying blueprints of it.

"I'll come with you," Narcissa says.

I walk with haste to the room outside the cellar and find Severus passed out – he must have had more alcohol than I'd originally thought. Narcissa walks over to him and shakes him. He murmurs before opening his eyes.

"Severus? How much have you had to drink?" Narcissa laughs, helping him to his feet.

"A lot," he gulps. "Shall we get back to the party?"

"Are you sure you're alright?" I ask, feigning worry.

"He's fine," Narcissa answers, "Severus, perhaps you'd like to ask Andrea to dance?"

Damn her, she's match-making.

"Yes, yes, of course. Erm, Andrea, would you like to dance?"

"I'd love to," I reply, taking his hand and letting him lead me back to the ballroom. I can feel Narcissa's smile and try not to gag.

We dance for what feels like a long time. He seems distant. Has he worked out what happened? Mind you, I've watched him all night and he's had so much to drink, I doubt he noticed that his drink tasted funny.

"Severus? Are you alright?"

"What? Oh yes, yes I'm fine."

"What happened down there?"

"I'm not sure," he frowns, "I probably just passed out when you left. I'm sorry."

"No, don't worry. I had Narcissa to talk to. "

He groans, "Whatever she told you, it's probably a gross exaggeration of the truth."

"She didn't say anything _bad_."

He spins me.

"In any case, she's hardly easy company."

We talk that way for a long time. I can't stop worrying about James. Did he manage to set up the Portkey? Did he get out okay? When will we get the signal from the Order? Are the others okay? My conversation with Snape is alright. As I used to know him very well, I know exactly what questions to ask to engage him and animate him, I know his opinions on certain theories in Potions and Alchemy that will make him warm up to me and I know what will make him laugh. He relaxes more and more as we talk.

"You have lovely eyes," he says.

My eyes have been disguised as blue.

"Thank you."

"You can sort of see the green in them."

Shit. My disguise potions must be wearing off.

"You really remind me of my friend. She has green eyes you know; they're so beautiful and red hair – thick and soft – just like yours. She has freckles like you as well. She's very pretty."

"Was she your girlfriend?"

"No, no… we were best friends for quite some time."

"Did you love her?"

"Yes, very much."

"And what were her feelings for you?" I ask. He takes a long sip of his drink.

"Not the same. You see, she married someone else."

"Did you ever tell her that you loved her?"

"I tried. I tried but she didn't want to hear it – we fell out when we were fifteen."

"Oh no, was it bad?"

"Very, very, very bad," he nods, "very, very, very, very, very bad."

I think he's more than a little drunk.

"Worse than with that man you hexed?"

"Potter? Yes, worse than that."

"So why do you hate him so much?"

"He's a liar, a Charlatan and pretentious. She was just another one his conquests but she didn't see that. I tried to tell her what he was like but… she fell for him in the end."

"Is she the Muggle-born he married?"

"Yes, that's her," he says tiredly.

"Sorry, that was intrusive."

"No, no, it feels good to talk about it after all this time. So how about you? Any relationship woes to tell?"

"There was this one boy who asked me out once. I didn't realise that it was a date at the time but he never showed up to the date for some reason."

"He stood you up? The bastard."

"Yes... there was this guy I liked at home – he was really sweet, a little socially awkward but really intelligent. Anyway, there wasn't anything there – I mean, we kissed once but other than that…"

"Relationships are shit," he announces.

"They are," I say, inwardly sighing. Just pretend you're Sirius.

"Marriage is a load of bullshit."

"Absolutely."

"Love is the biggest bullshit of crap."

"Interesting word choice..."

"People in general – they're just a load of judgemental bastards."

"Yep, how much have you had to drink? Don't you think you should stop now?"

"And Potter's not even that good looking – I mean his hair! What's that monstrosity all about?"

"Isn't it outrageous when people don't look after their hair?" I say dryly but he doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.

"And babies are ugly rolls of fat with eyes and noses."

"Okay."

"- that blubber up snot and sick."

"Lovely."

"All they do is sit there. What is the point of them?"

"To expand the human race?"

"And even if they do manage to survive their bloody childhood, the rest of their life will just go downhill from there – a fucking messed up disappointment."

"Okay…"

"And when they find someone they love and who doesn't treat them like shit – they'll just lose them to an airhead that has enough money to buy his weight in diamonds."

"Maybe you shouldn't have another drink–"

"Maybe I should," he slurs.

"I don't think so."

"Why am I so pathetic Lily? Why am I so alone?"

I am momentarily stunned.

"I – I'm not Lily, I'm Andrea."

"Okay."

"I really think you should lie down."

He leans on me for support and we go out of the ballroom (Narcissa winking at me) and sit on a bench with a huge window open behind us. A paper aeroplane glides out of the window and lands in my open hand.

_Stand back._

_Be ready._

_-Snuffles_

I drag Severus out of the way and glance at the window. Shit. My hair is completely red now – if anyone were to walk past right now –

Suddenly, the window smashes in slow motion. Thinking quickly, I immobilise the shards of glass. Padfoot flies through the window on his broomstick.

"Hey Lily-flower."

"Padfoot," I say, relieved.

"Dorcas, Marlene and the others are already out, they used the Portkey – it took a while to track you down. We were worried."

"Sorry, I was a little tied up."

"Is that Snivellus?"

Snape is lying on the floor with drool coming out of his mouth.

"Yep," I sigh.

"Well this is too good an opportunity to miss," Padfoot says, readying his wand.

Footsteps approach and I can hear shouting in the distance.

"We should go," I say.

He summons a broomstick and I jump onto it. We speed off; the shouting beginning to fade out. I haven't ridden a broom in a while. Sirius is collapsing into thunderous laughter - I suppose he must have managed to hex Snape after all. I can't help laughing with him – it feels good to finally be free. Suddenly, other brooms appear, with Death Eaters on the backs of them.

"We're going to stoop low then speed up and go to the sky – got it?" Padfoot shouts over the roar of the air in my ears.

"Erm –"

"We're going to lose them – just swerve, zig zag, swoop, slide, whatever. Oh, and one more thing – try to keep up."

He smirks and I bite back a grin, he leans forwards and shoots off towards the sky. I follow, sending jinxes and hexes at Death Eaters as I go. I'm right on his tail, as is Avery. I shoot a knock-back jinx at him and he zooms in the other direction. Damn, flying is exhilarating. I can see why James loves it so much.

More and more Death Eaters – we go faster. Around church spires, through tunnels, flashes of green and white and red consistent throughout. The rain is pounding on my back, the night air rippling through my hair and the adrenaline… We're almost in London now but there are still Death Eaters following. I throw a charm at Mulciber (I think it's him – he uses fire more than any other Death Eater I've ever duelled) and his broom is turned to lead. Only three Death Eaters left.

Padfoot takes an abrupt turn into a forest. I can hear thunder. What the hell is he doing? He climbs dangerously higher, higher than the trees. The Death Eaters do the same. He looks at me and I nod – two seconds before the lightning strikes, we dive into the forest. One of the Death Eaters is struck down and he falls to the ground. There's one Death Eater left. Merlin this is hard.

I glance briefly behind me but the Death Eater isn't there.

The night air sends chills down my spine as I look around, trying to find the Death Eater. Sirius looks similarly confused. He circles around and glides next to me.

"Let's head back to base," he says.

"Base?" I ask confusedly. He gives me a meaningful look and I catch on. "Oh right, base. Yes, let's go."

He rolls his eyes at me and we soar off, checking for movement behind us. We're almost in the mountains before I hear it – the sound of robes whipping and rustling in the wind and a short grunt. Sirius looks at me and we spin around, stunning the Death Eater between us. The Death Eater falls from his boom and plummets to the rock far below. I wince.

"Come on," Sirius says, "we're meeting the others at your place."

We fly until we find an open, empty space before Apparating to Godric's Hollow.


	60. Luminaries and Lunacies

**A/N:**** Hello! Thank you so so so much for all your support I love you all! I know this chapter's kind of a filler but ****as this is the 60****th**** chapter, I made it longer! You're welcome (and I apologise if a longer chapter is the precise opposite of what you wanted).**

**So I hope you enjoy it and have a lovely day!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

GODRIC'S HOLLOW

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

I walk in the door and recast the wards. Sirius shrugs off his leather jacket and marches into the living room. Someone flies out of the room and almost knocks me over – they're squeezing me so tightly. I look up and see that it's James. He pulls back and kisses me fervidly, all over my face before resting on my lips – I reciprocate, my arms winding around him, our bodies intertwined and my heart racing and blood pumping – the love and the passion I feel is inexorable but the moment is short-lived.

"Ahem," I hear a semi-annoyed voice behind me – one that I recognise.

James breaks the kiss and steps away as Remus comes forward and hugs me with apparent urgency.

"Wow, you all seem pleased to see me… where's everyone else?"

Remus glances at Moody and Moody sighs. Harry appears in the door way, looking absolutely exhausted. I hold my arms out and cuddle him.

"They all got to the Portkey but we think there were Death Eaters tracking them –"

"You mean you don't know?"

"Well, no –"

"Is anyone out there looking for them?" I demand.

"No –"

"Do we have any leads?" I ask, already pulling on my jacket.

"Mrs Potter, I simply cannot allow you to go back out there –"

"My friends are missing –"

"They are extremely skilled wizards and witches. I assure you; wherever they are they are more than capable of handling their situation."

"That may be so –"

"I know it's hard but you'll be more useful here. You just completed a dangerous mission and your husband and son need you. What good will you gallivanting off looking for them do?"

I stare at him levelly and with slight hostility. I look at James and Harry who, despite looking on the verge of collapse from fatigue, still manage to look stubborn and strong.

"I assure you Alastor, my husband and son are more than capable of handling their situation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to work on something useful."

I head upstairs, jacket still on and run through all the tracking charms I know in my head. I can hear footsteps behind me. I turn into mine and James' room and summon my Potions equipment. I see that the Marauders minus Peter are in the room also.

"Someone's got their knickers in a twist," Padfoot says, leaning on the wall.

"Oh shut up – get chopping those will you?"

"I don't think Moody meant to be patronising –" Remus says.

"Regardless of whether he meant to or not, he was."

"I know. We were really worried about you Lily."

"You shouldn't have been."

"Regardless of whether we should have been or not, we were," Remus says smirking.

"For fuck's sake, can you please try to focus? I'm trying to find Al, Frank, Dorcas and Mar and you're not helping by making shrewd comments like that."

"You really are in a bad mood," Padfoot mutters.

We work in silence for half an hour until Remus gets a result.

"I'm going to send a Patronus."

"Isn't that a little risky?"

"Well obviously."

As it turns out, they're all fine. Al and Frank got home safely, Dorcas is at her flat and Mar is with her family. None of them ran into Death Eaters.

"Feel better now?" Remus asks.

"Yes, a lot better."

* * *

18TH JULY 1981 (FULL MOON WAS YESTERDAY)

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

The days have been going by slowly. James, Sirius, Frank, Sturgis, Rubeus, Dorcas, Gideon, Fabian, Hestia and Edgar left three days ago on an Order mission. James is coming back in a few more days – he says he'll definitely be here for Harry's birthday and I know that Frank is going to come back for Neville's birthday but the others will be gone for quite a while. I think Sirius wants to do some stuff away from home – he's going through a difficult time right now, we all are but Sirius in particular wants his solitude.

The anniversary of my parents' deaths is in a few days.

I feel like everything's building up on top of me, threatening to smother me. I've been busy, busy running around after other people, trying to keep a smile on my face, trying to stay alive, looking after Harry – I just feel so detached from everything.

I know that something is stirring and that something is about to happen – I just don't know what. The Death Eaters can't infiltrate the Ministry – it's holding up much stronger than we all thought, which is good. However, there have been murmurings that the Death Eaters are going to be attacking the larger wizarding families that are on our side – which is clearly great cause for concern. The McKinnons are going into hiding; the Bones family refuse to hide but are definitely being more subtle and low-key about their involvement in the Order.

We're fighting hard against the invasion of Voldemort's allies into Britain – giants, werewolves and other dark creatures. Whilst the Ministry is still holding up, it's fragile and weak – we're trying to keep everything from Muggles but they're being attacked too. There are only so many giant attacks you can conceal and try to explain by way of earthquakes and floods. Muggles are losing their lives in hundreds and our attempts to keep our war and our world hidden from them are more and more flimsy and futile. I'm starting to think there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. How can you hide something as a big as this? You can't. Not when the people you're trying to hide it from are part of it. The Muggle prime minister knows but what good is that? How can Muggles possibly stand against the Death Eaters? They can't. They outnumber us more than ten to one and if we're barely holding our ground, then the Muggles have no chance.

I'm on the sofa downstairs curled up with Harry sleeping next to me – we fell asleep whilst reading Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories. Harry likes the one about the alphabet.

It's about four or five in the morning – the sun is rising. I love watching the sunrise. It's something James and I like to do together. I wonder if he's watching it wherever he is. I hope he's safe, I hope they're all safe.

I hear a quiet knocking at the door – barely audible. Carefully untangling myself from the mess of pillows and blankets, I walk cautiously to the door. The wooden floorboards are cold beneath my feet. Using a revealing charm, I see that Remus is on the other side of the door. I open the door quickly to find him with his clothes in ruin and looking like hell.

"Remus?"

He looks up at me and I can see the exhaustion in his eyes. Of course, the full moon was only a few hours ago and the Marauders are all away… I help him in and settle him on the sofa next to the fire. I fetch some blankets and some tea before sitting next to him in the flickering orange glow of the fire.

He doesn't say anything and I don't expect him to.

* * *

A FEW HOURS LATER

* * *

I wake up to someone climbing on top of me – I open my eyes blearily to find Harry crawling between Remus and I. I smile, putting my arm around him as he snuggles down comfortably.

Remus stirs and briefly opens his eyes before going back to sleep again. From experience, I know full well that he won't be getting up until this evening at the very least. I wave my wand at the fire and relight it before summoning a cup of tea and some warm milk for Harry when he wakes up.

I go through the things I need to do in my head.

The cat (whose name is still a work in progress, much to Sirius' amusement) slinks across the living room before settling on my lap and I give up trying to prepare myself for a productive day. Instead, I set down the mugs and let myself drift off again. The sofa is just so comfortable. James wasn't sure about it at first, he didn't like the shape of it but I managed to persuade him otherwise – and I'm glad I did.

I wonder where he is, what he's doing. Has he managed to get any sleep? Did he remember to take the medical kit I prepared for him? Is he alright? Will he send some sort of message? I know it's dangerous but secretly, all I want is a letter from him, or to see his Patronus. I miss him and I want him to come home. Harry misses him too. He misses Padfoot as well. He sits there for hours, nose pressed against the glass, waiting for the sound of the motorbike and for Sirius' face to appear, but it doesn't.

Wormy's been over a fair few times. He looks constantly worried and apprehensive which isn't unusual, what's unusual is how uncomfortable he is around Remus, Harry and I. Al noticed it too. She comes around often to keep me company and she brings Neville with her. Al's good company -she doesn't get restless or bored, she'll talk to literally anyone and she's a good listener. We get on really well.

I think one of the best things about my family is that they don't try to tell me that it's okay when it's not, they don't try to tell me how I feel or try to make me magically better like my feelings are a choice _I_ can make – and I appreciate that more than anything.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

COUNTRYSIDE (THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE)

* * *

You know those photographs you get of beautiful country landscapes with lush green hills, an infinite cornflower blue sky, and purple heather? Well they're complete bullshit.

The grass is scare and what little there is of it, is yellow and dry. The sky is permanently grey and stormy and there is no heather to be found. Instead, there are thorny hedges, plants with prickles and reams of nettles – with no dock leaves in sight. I swear the rain is following us and Padfoot woke up with a toad on his head. _Countryside_. People do this for fun?

We're in the tent now, because it's about four in the morning and we were walking all night following a trail that turned out to be false. I can't sleep because Padfoot is in my tent and because I have had years of experience sleeping in the same room as him, I know that if I want to get to sleep, I have to do so before he does. Why? Because he snores like you wouldn't believe. However, he managed to get to sleep before I did and once he's asleep, he will not be woken.

So I'm left here, with no one to talk to apart from the dreary, unchanging patter of rain that I can't be bothered to silence. I think of Lily, as I often do when I'm not trying to fight off inferi (I don't want to talk about it). I wonder what she's doing around about now. Is Harry sleeping okay? He often finds it difficult to sleep when Padfoot's not there. Padfoot always tells him this story (that he made up), about a dog that doesn't know he's a dog and follows these goats around because he thinks that the goats are his family even though the goats are smelly and stupid. All the dog wants to do is fit in with them and for them to love him like they love each other. One day, the dog realises that he's not the same and he never will be. The dog is sad for a while before he realises that he's awesome on his own and way better than the goats could ever be. He finds some really cool friends who aren't goats either and make him feel happy and love him like the goats never did. Ta-dah. The end. Harry loves it; Lily looks on the verge of tears whenever she hears it.

I hope Moony's alright – I ordered him to go to Lily after the transformation. I pulled a few strings and got the Ministry to set up a Portkey well in advance so he wouldn't get hyperthermia in the forest on his own. Shit… I should probably have warned Lily. Ah well, never mind. She'll be fine.

Lying out here in the wet reminds me of this prank we tried to pull before Lily's mission. That was funny…

* * *

_~ FLASHBACK ~_

5th JULY 1981

POTTER'S COTTAGE

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

"Quick! Get down! Bloody hell, are you deaf Wormtail?" Padfoot yells.

Wormtail scurries out and gets under our make-shift shelter/fort made of logs and garden chairs as we hear the fireworks go off. The main targets were Lily and Alice, you see, we've been ah, _modifying_ the fireworks to do certain things. It's really cool – we've used the basic principle of something (in a firework's case –light and stuff) coming out and creating a load noise. We've invented fireworks that let off this gas that absorbs all the light in a room (Padfoot got the gas, but Merlin knows where from), another that covers all the surfaces in green slime (Wormtail's favourite), one that spurts water everywhere (probably the most harmless of the lot providing it's not used next to Lil's electrics) and one that lets out a load of confetti. The latter is Harry's favourite – Harry's been nicknamed Marauderette because he follows us around everywhere, he's with us now, as is Neville. Neville's alright – he and Harry seem close enough; I imagine they'll be mates when they're older. Lily thinks I'm not setting a good example to them but I say that I'm teaching them the fundamental life skill of having a bit of fun, because life would be pretty boring if you weren't allowed to have fun sometimes even if that fun derives from covering your wife's furniture in green slime. We've also introduced nose-biting teacups into our everyday lives (they never cease to be funny) which Wormtail found hilarious until he accidentally tried to drink from one. Anyway, we've set off all three – we hear the bangs and the cries of indignation – clearly it worked.

"Okay, go!" Padfoot commands and we rush into the house to see the damage we've created.

We enter the living room, me holding Neville, Padfoot holding Harry, flinging the door open and grinning broadly. There is no one there. It is oddly quiet… something's not quite right.

Suddenly, Lily and Alice appear from behind the door and, armed with water pistols, proceed to soak us in freezing cold water. I shield Neville's eyes but he's giggling like mad. Padfoot shrieks, Wormtail squeals and I'm laughing my head off. Lily puts her water gun down and smirks at me – she isn't covered in green slime, she isn't soaked and she isn't covered in confetti.

"You didn't think that after all your pranks; we hadn't formulated some kind of defence plan, did you?" Lily says, giving Alice a high five.

"Yep, we protected ourselves from your stupid fireworks and planned a little revenge of our own," Alice says.

Moony comes into the living room with a book in his hand.

"Lily, you know in your edition of Pride and Prejudice…" he trails off, looking at the state of the living room and how soaked we all are, "um, did I miss something?"

"Oh for Merlin's sake! My _hair_!" Padfoot exclaims; looking in the mirror on the wall – there's slime and water and gunge in it somehow. He gives Harry over to me – now I'm juggling two babies. Great.

"What's wrong with it?" Alice asks.

"What's wrong with it?" Padfoot repeats incredulously, "it's ruined!"

"Calm down Sirius, you just need to wash it out," Lily says rolling her eyes.

"Just need to _wash it out_? Are you hearing yourself?" he storms out of the room.

Lily looks after him, bemused.

"What's that all about?" she asks.

"Um, well Padfoot has this thing…" I start, wondering how to explain it.

"…with his hair," Wormtail says.

"He's very protective of it," Moony sighs.

"Surely after all the stupid pranks you did, his hair must have a got a little messy," Lily says.

"You'd think so," Moony says, "but no. His hair's integrity is always a priority."

"I had no idea he was so vain."

"Really? After living with him for _years_ you had no idea that he was vain?" I say, doubtfully.

"I did, I just didn't think he'd be so…" Lily struggles over the word.

"Pathetic? Tearful? Pitiful?" Alice suggests.

"I was going to say maudlin, but yes, those too," Lily grins.

"I can hear you!" Padfoot yells from upstairs.

"How's your hair?" Wormtail calls.

There is no response.

"Someone should go and check on him," I say.

"Oh please not me," Moony says.

"Or me," Wormtail adds.

"Oh for God's sake," Lily says, exasperated, "_I'll_ go."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah, you might get assaulted."

"Or he'll give you the silent treatment."

"I'll bring Harry with me," Lily says.

"That might work," Wormtail says, impressed.

"Has this ever happened before?" Alice asks.

"Yes," Moony says shortly.

"How?"

"Don't ask," Wormtail advises.

"He wouldn't talk to Wormtail for three days," I say.

"It was an accident!" Wormtail grumbles.

"We told you to stay away from the candles!" Moony hisses.

"Well it's not _my_ fault he was standing in the way!" Wormtail argues.

"Guys," Lily says, "don't you think you're all overreacting just a little bit?"

"No," I say.

"Not at all," Wormtail shakes his head.

"Okay," she says, shaking her head and taking Harry from me.

"Good luck," Wormtail says seriously.

Lily rolls her eyes again before heading up the stairs, her hand supporting Harry as her walks. I do not envy her.

* * *

_~ FLASHBACK OVER ~_

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

I wake up with a jolt – I see the cat bolt out of the room and my eyes glance to the shattered glass on the floor. I mutter a quick _reparo _and summon the now fixed glass jar. It's Sirius' hair gel that he keeps here for emergencies.

I hold back a laugh as I remember the time that Al and I used water pistols to completely soak Sirius' hair – he was _furious_. In the end, I'd gone up after him, armed with Harry, and apologised.

* * *

_~ FLASHBACK ~_

* * *

I knock on the bathroom door; there is no sound from the other side.

"Sirius? Come on Sirius, open the door."

I can hear a shuffling and then silence. He's probably standing right outside the door now.

"I've got Harry with me," no response, "come on, you wouldn't turn Harry away, would you?"

The door opens. Sirius looks at me, completely unimpressed as he takes Harry from me and stands aside to let me in.

"I'm sorry about your hair Sirius," I say as solemnly as I can.

It looks fine now, shiny and glossy as usual. He glares at me.

"Really? You're not going to talk to me?"

He grunts and Harry murmurs his own gibberish at him. I can see him on the verge of a smile. That's the thing about Harry, no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I miss my parents, somehow, he always manages to make me smile. He brings me the kind of happiness I can only vaguely remember from my childhood – a happiness so faint and faded, I hardly know if it's real. How can I possibly cry when he's smiling at me? How can I possibly want to give up when he's there, laughing away? How can I ever let my grief consume me when he's so happy? I can't. He's my own Patronus. I see James in him; I see Padfoot's rambunctious nature, Moony's serenity and Wormtail's acceptance. He's the embodiment of my love and that's something incorruptible. I know Sirius sees it too.

"Not cool, Lily-flower," his voice makes me jump, "using my adorable godson to manipulate me."

"What can I say? You Marauders have had a bad influence on me."

"We have not," he snorts, "you decided to corrupt yourself when you gave Prongs a chance."

"So it's my fault?"

"Absolutely… I suppose I can forgive you though."

"How gracious of you."

"There's no need for sarcasm," he scolds, "when are you going to the snake pit?"

"Oh the mission? Tomorrow."

"If you see Snivellus, give him a good hex in the eye for me."

"Do you want me to get killed?"

"You can be discrete about it."

"How can you discretely hex someone in the eye?"

"You'll find a way," Sirius says dismissively, "you're Lily fucking Potter, what can't you do?"

"Kill Voldemort?"

"Pah, I'd like to see him bloody try to duel you."

"Oh he has," I say, thinking back to one of the many duels I've endured over the years.

"Yet you survived."

"Only because he Disapparated."

"You scared him away?"

"Yeah right, of course I did."

"I wouldn't doubt you did," he says, "you're a terrifying force of nature when you're duelling."

"Not half as terrifying as you, or James, or Moony, or Alice, or Frank –"

"Objection my lord, please present your evidence."

"Have you seen my defence spells? Especially the _Finato Duri_ and my healing charms are really weak –"

"But your knowledge in Potions is unprecedented, you can cast a corporeal Patronus and your spellwork is always precise. Listen to me Lily; you are one of the most talented witches I've ever met. You'd give any Death Eater a run for their money."

"But –"

"So you're not the smartest witch who ever lived, so maybe you're not the best at healing charms, but who cares? You don't have to be the smartest or the bravest, you just have to be you. Don't live up to anyone's expectations other than your own. Okay?"

"Okay. I just wish sometimes that I wasn't so… it's hard to explain. I'm good at Potions…"

"Amazing," Padfoot says, "better than anyone I've ever seen."

"That's not true, Snape was – is- far better than I am –"

"I don't believe that –"

"Well it's true! You know, I found out about Remus being a werewolf in third year I think, and I tried to brew the Wolfsbane Potion – you know the one invented by Damocles? But the ingredients were exceedingly expensive and the potion itself was extremely difficult to brew… I mean, it's been around for six years – it's a relatively modern potion and there was nothing written about it –"

"Lily, listen to me, don't you think we've tried to brew it? We tried _everything_ for him, hell, we became Animagi in the end."

"I know, it's just, I wanted to _do_ something for him. Use what I had for a good purpose and I failed."

"So? That potion is impossible to make."

"I –"

"Don't you dare, you have that face, the guilty face. Don't blame yourself. Moony didn't want anyone to know about it, do you know how guilty he feels? He thinks he's going to hurt us one day, he thinks he's a monster and he's completely convinced that he's dangerous and lethal. When we were little, he used to say that his mother was ill a lot and he had to go and visit her, or that he wasn't feeling very well, which was true but he was so fucking scared of what would happen if people found out. Trust me, your acceptance of him is enough. I know it's hard but there are some things that you can't do anything about. All you can do is provide a bit of support and help him through it."

"I hate it when you're right."

"And I hate that you and Moony are both so damn insecure."

"Hey, everyone has their insecurities."

"That's true, but some of us are better at dealing with them than others."

"As if," I snort, "you need help and reassuring just as much as I do."

"No I don't."

"I don't believe you."

"I don't blame you."

"Are you okay?"

"Aside from my hair getting ruined, I'm wonderful."

* * *

**A/N:**** Me again. I hope the chapter was okay. The next few chapters will be quite depressing but I'm trying to stick to canon so...**

**Regarding the name of the cat, I have several ideas in my mind (I was thinking Ozymandias or Nietzsche? Or maybe Oscar after Oscar Wilde! Oh my word I'm actually going to call the cat Oscar...). Okay, the cat is henceforth to be referred to as Oscar.**

**ProngisfyMe: Thank you ever so much for your lovely review - I really appreciate it. I will include some more Lily/Sirius and Lily/Remus. As for Lily/Marlene... well, you'll see. I'll try to get some conversations in for you but they're not going to be entertaining exactly. **

**Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. Thank you if you read the chapter (and are reading this). Best wishes to you all. :)**


	61. Incertitude and a Birthday

**A/N:**** Hello! I know it's been a while - if you celebrate Easter, I hope you have a Happy Easter! If you don't celebrate it, I hope you've had a nice weekend and have a lovely week.**

**I hope you enjoy!**

**(And Happy Birthday James Potter!)**

* * *

28TH JULY 1981

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

* * *

I wake up to the feel of the soft, warm glow of the sunrise – I must have forgotten to draw the curtains last night. I open my eyes, flailing for my wand beside me and flicking the curtains shut. I rub my eyes, ridding them of sleep and turn my head – Lily's blazing red hair is sprawled across the pillow and her limbs are tangled in the bed sheets, as per usual. Lily's never been a graceful sleeper. I grin, unable to stop myself. What better way to start the day than by looking at her? By the looks of it, she's still asleep. Her back is to me but I can see her shoulders rise rhythmically. I don't want to disturb her; I know how hard she finds it to sleep well these days.

Harry's cot is still and quiet, so I assume he's still asleep too. I shift in the bed, summoning the Daily Prophet from yesterday: more attacks, Millicent Bagnold's speech about bravery and resilience – her fifth speech since becoming Minister for Magic, Death Eater trials unsuccessful, Aurors missing, curfews, adverts, murders, thefts, Healers being overstretched, Death Eaters… It's never ending. I put the paper down resignedly. It's not like you could get any _real_ news from the Prophet anyway, they can only report what the Ministry have fed them. No, if you want news that's useful and new, you have to get it yourself. I'll ask Dedalus later, he always seems to know information that's unavailable to most other people. Caradoc's always parroting some conjectured nonsense he probably heard in the Leaky Cauldron, but he likes to think he knows things and occasionally he does. I don't know if it's quite worth dancing the unnecessarily exerting dance that he'll have you do in order it get it though, Caradoc very much likes dragging out conversations longer than one would think humanly possible.

"Morning," Lily, her voice heavy with sleep, sits up on her elbows and looks at me, smiling.

"_Morning_," I reply, "it's not like you to be so cheerful at this hour."

Lily shrugs, "How can I not be cheerful when you're sleeping beside me?"

I lean down and brush her lips with my own. The gesture quickly becomes a kiss which soon transpires to something more passionate than one would think for so early in the morning.

"Remus is downstairs," Lily murmurs against my lips.

I lean in deeper, almost right on top of her.

"James," she sighs, as I trace her neck and then her collarbone with my lips, she soon stops protesting.

A few fervent moments later, Harry's waking up (something that's never quiet), interrupts us. I roll off of Lily, feeling slightly disappointed and go over to Harry who looks accusingly at me with an expression I've come to interpret as wanting breakfast. Lily comes beside me and lifts Harry out of his cot and cuddles him. I envelope them both in a hug and we make our way downstairs.

Moony's on the sofa, blankets neatly folded at one end and sitting reading some book on alchemy. Harry toddles over to him and clambers into his lap almost instantly. Lily laughs good-naturedly and goes to fetch some coffee and warm milk for Harry.

I crash next to Moony and he looks at me with what looks like a smile but has such a shadow on it that it looks more like a grimace.

"Rough night?"

"Not really," he says, watching Harry play with Lily's miniature abacus.

"Padfoot's still out."

"Yeah, he wrote."

"He did?" I ask, surprised.

"Here," Moony summons a letter and hands it to me.

_Dear Lily, Harry and Moony if you're there,_

_I know Prongs is heading back tomorrow but I've decided to stay a little bit longer. Dumbledore and Dumbledore (they don't get on very well, you know) are calling in on some old friends so I thought I'd tag along. Benjy and Hestia are coming too, so don't worry._

_All's well so far, hope you're all fine,_

_Padfoot_

"He's writing?"

"Well, sort of," Moony says, "Harry wanted to send him a drawing and then he wrote back but I doubt he'll keep it up. You know what he's like."

"You never know," I say, hopeful, "he might."

"Hmm," Moony doesn't sound convinced, "how was your trip? I hardly saw you yesterday."

"Trip was good. Wet, cold, miserable… Padfoot found a family of rats – thought he'd introduce them to Wormtail. Fabian and Gideon are a right laugh though, especially after half a bottle of Firewhisky. What about you? The Portkey worked alright then?"

"Yeah, it was fine."

"Sure?"

"Yes, honestly, it's not the first time I've been alone for a transformation is it?"

"I know, I just worried –"

"Well I'm fine," he snaps waspishly, Harry looks up – apparently not entirely oblivious to this change in tone.

Lily walks in with coffee and settles between Moony and I. I look at him oddly but he doesn't meet my eye. I decide to let it go.

"Al's coming over today," she informs us.

"_Again_?" Moony asks.

"Yes, again. I haven't seen her in –"

"Twenty-four hours?" Moony jokes.

"No you twit," she swats at his arm with a pillow, "at least a few days."

"Oh how can you possibly cope?" Moony smirks at her sarcastically.

"You see what you left me with?" she demands, turning to me.

"I don't know why you're complaining," I counter, "As I recall, he was _your_ friend before he was mine."

"Of course," she scoffs, "but _I_ didn't sardonify him."

"Sardonify? That's not a word," Moony says.

"See? You're _so_ pedantic it makes my head hurt."

Moony grins widely as if being called pedantic is the best thing in the world.

"I don't think I made Moony sardonic – that's all down to him."

"True," Lily muses, "out of all of you though, Sirius is probably the most sardonic."

"What makes you say that?" Moony asks amusedly.

"Have you heard his analysis of Romeo and Juliet?" Lily raises an eyebrow.

"Yes, he is quite cynical, isn't he?"

"_Quite_ cynical? He's practically scathing when it comes to romance."

"_You_ were quite scathing about soul mates and all that until not so long ago," I point out.

"I however, am an open-minded individual. I'm not as acrimonious as I used to be."

"No," I agree, "but you're still very acerbic at extremely inappropriate times, especially when drunk."

"But you love me really."

"Of course I do," I kiss her softly.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

MALFOY MANOR

JULY 1981

* * *

"Say hello to your godfather, Draco," Narcissa beams at the pale child in her grasp.

How Narcissa expects a child only a year old to be so polite as to say 'hello' I cannot fathom. His expression is that of utter boredom and wanting to be anywhere but here. For once, I find myself sympathising with the vile creature. His complexion really is far too pale – it's a wonder I can't see his organs through that translucent skin of his.

The languor of the room is starting to suffocate me. Summer has (unfortunately) arrived and thus, all the enervation that comes with it. Blistering weather, humidity, bright light, insects, _tourists_ – though there aren't so many of those around – and simply people in general. There is something about the summer season that just seems to bring out the most exasperating idiosyncrasies in people. The agonising disregard for money, the indolent neglect of basic manners, the extravagance and tasteless adornment of holiday clothing – the list goes on and on. What is it about the weather that suddenly gives people the notion that they may behave differently and rudely? As though the sun's shining licenses such behaviour and peculiarity –

"How have you been, Severus? I've hardly seen you since the party…" her voice makes me jerk to attention.

"I'm quite alright, Narcissa. How are you?"

"You know, for the first time in ages, I feel well. Lucius hasn't been away as much – it's good for Draco to have his father around – and Bella and Rodolphus seem to be getting along…"

"As well as one would think possible," I say gruffly.

"Bella's been going through a… difficult time lately," Narcissa sighs, wrapping her arms around Draco's unwilling frame.

"Haven't we all?"

"I know, Severus," she doesn't meet my eyes – instead focuses her gaze on the window.

A subtle breeze flows through, tugging at the curtains and swimming around our ankles. It's almost a relief.

"I found out something, Severus. It's why I wanted you to come here."

I look at her then, there's something in her eyes – a deep, harrowing sadness.

"I can't have any more children, Severus. Draco is the last one. The Healers say it's a miracle he was ever born… I just keep having miscarriages, if it even makes it to _that_ stage," her voice catches and I can see traces of tears in her eyes, "Lucius says he doesn't care but…"

"You do?"

"Yes, I do care. I've given up trying now – what's the point? Some people just don't know how _lucky_ they are."

She breaks down then. Draco looks up at her, confused. I pull her into a hug, something I only resort to in emergencies.

"Do you think this is the right thing, Severus?" she murmurs.

"Hm?"

"What we're doing, where we stand in this war. Are we doing the best thing possible?"

"Narcissa…"

"I can't stop thinking about it. If the Dark Lord wins the war –"

"When," I correct her "when he wins the war."

"You think He will?"

"I can't afford to think anything else. Neither can you."

"What have we gotten ourselves into?"

"We didn't have a choice. What you did… you did it for your family. If you'd chosen differently, Draco wouldn't be here, Lucius wouldn't, or Bellatrix, your parents, anyone. They'd all be dead – or worse and you would too. It's about survival now; morals don't have anything to do with it anymore."

"What about Draco's future? What if he has to grow up in a world where he has to make sacrifices and live in pain –?"

"That's life, Narcissa. You _can't _protect him from that."

"I have to try."

"What are you going to do? Give up?"

"Of course not, I'm going to wait."

"For what?"

"For an opportunity."

"Narcissa…"

"I'll do whatever it takes."

"You're making a huge mistake."

"You're the one who's playing with fire, Severus."

"I don't have anything to lose!"

She flinches away from me, hurt.

"Nothing?" she says, "what about Lily?"

I pause at that.

"She doesn't want anything to do with me, Narcissa."

"And you? Do _you_ want anything to do with her?"

"You know the answer to that," I reply quietly.

"She matters to you, doesn't she? Even if I don't."

"Narcissa, I didn't mean that – you mean a lot to me, you know that."

"Do I? Severus, I do have a lot to lose – which is why this is so important. I want what's best for my family and I'm having doubts. Does He even want to _win_ the war? Does He care what happens to all of us? No. He doesn't, He never did and He never will. I'm not starting some rebellion; I'm not going to work for the Light side – I'm just asking you to consider what our position _means_."

"You'd better be good at Occlumency," I say, already getting up and heading for the door.

"Just _think_ about it Severus, please. Where will we be at the end of all of this?"

I walk out, my head swimming.

Of course I've had doubts - countless ones.

Doubts that have been strategically planted by Dumbledore, doubts created by my own paranoia and depression, doubts from the Dark Lord himself…

Where _will_ I be at the end of all of this? Assuming the Dark Lord wins. What will happen if the Dark Lord doesn't win? Has Dumbledore seen through me already? Will I go to Azkaban? Will there even _be_ an Azkaban at the end?

There are so many unknowns, so much uncertainty and in the middle of it all – ceaseless, endless, pointless violence.

* * *

JAMES P.O.V

31ST JULY 1981

* * *

"Happy Birthday Harry!"

A letter, covered in glitter and colours of all shades, sings merrily. It's from the Longbottoms. I don't know if Harry knows that it's his birthday but he looks excited anyway.

Bathilda is coming over later on for tea, Molly and the Weasley clan send their best wishes, Marlene is in hiding, Padfoot's away but he sent Harry a toy broomstick – Harry's going to be a flyer when he's older. He's practically a natural (though he did manage to smash that vase that Petunia got Lily last Christmas – I have a hunch that maybe it wasn't an accident but he's only a year old so who knows?). I can't wait to take him out onto a proper pitch – all of us Marauders out together and we'll teach him how to play Quidditch. It'll be just like the old days. When this bloody war ends, we'll fly every day. I'll teach him all my tricks, introduce him to the best teams, take him to the Quidditch World Cup – the next one's in five years…

I hear a screech and Oscar comes darting out of the living room, tail on end. Harry comes whizzing out moments later, screaming with laughter. Oscar's rather intelligent for a cat and very tolerant with Harry (though not since Harry's been on his broomstick). He also _adores_ Lily – he'll follow her everywhere, fetches her wand for her, curls up with her by the fire… as Moony put it, it's almost like I've been replaced – but being jealous of a cat is just stupid.

Moony's off somewhere with the Order so it's just me, Lil and Harry (and Bathilda but she never stops talking – honestly, the minute she opens her mouth I can feel myself about to nod off). We're not supposed to be doing anything for the Order at the moment as we're 'in danger'. Bloody Dumbledore has my cloak still as well so I'm basically under house arrest. Lily seems perfectly content inside but I am beginning to drown in boredom and ennui. How can he expect me to stay inside until the war's over? Lily thinks something's up – that they're keeping something from us but regardless of whether they are or not, I can't stay inside for much longer or I'll go crazy.

It's a small birthday tea that we're having for Harry. Not many people are willing to come out and celebrate – I can see why, Merlin knows we all know why, but I resent that none of the Marauders could be here. It's unfounded, but I wanted them to at least try to be here – for Harry. I have Lily though and she makes it all bearable.


	62. Together, We Can Cope

**A/N: Hello! Thank you ever so much for your support - honestly, the reviews, favourites, follows... thank you for reading this, I greatly appreciate it! :)**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter - perhaps 'enjoy' is the wrong word? Anyway, have a lovely day!**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

AUGUST 1981

* * *

It's about seven pm.

The sun is setting, the sky sinking into soft orange, red and pink. The warm glow touches my face and I settle back in the garden chair.

It had been a beautiful day.

James, Harry and I went to a beach (despite the danger) and built sandcastles. We paddled in the sea, ate tea in the sand and bathed in the sun. It's the first time we'd been outside in weeks – James was happy for it and that made me happy. I hate to see him restless – he's like a caged bird. As much as I know he loves us and our home, being incarcerated this way isn't good for him. The confinement was really starting to get to me, too – it's no fun being cooped up indoors with a bored one-year-old. I doubt we'll be able to do it again – Albus seems more and more worried every time I see him. He never says what is so dangerous, or why it affects us specifically.

I wonder if I care anymore.

More and more deaths, the Death Eaters growing in number and we can't do a damn thing. They won't let us fight, they won't let us _help_. What use am I at home? What can I do from the confines of my room? I need to be out there – those people are my family, my friends – and I need to help them and protect them if I can. It's just so ridiculous. There has always been a risk and there will always be a risk – that's war. That's just how it is. I can't stay inside and watch the people I love suffer, I can't stand by – I don't even know where Sirius is. I don't know where Remus is, or Wormtail, or Marlene or Al, Frank, Emmeline, Dorcas… no one. I feel so isolated and cut off. It's the same for James.

They're waiting – but what for, I can only guess. The end of the war? That could be years away. A secret weapon? Fanciful thinking. A development? I can't see one coming around the corner. It's not going to get better, Albus needs to accept that. If anything, it'll only get worse. The Death Eaters are targeting 'blood traitor' families; they're killing more and more people every day. This is what we have and we just need to fight with it. No one's going to swoop in and save us, no one's going to come to the rescue, we're not going to crack through the enemy lines – this is it. We need to win or die trying. I can see that now – this is it.

A tawny owl carrying a cream letter with a gold Ministry seal flies overhead. It drops the letter into my lap and flies off. A familiar sense of dread fills me – it starts in my heart and grips it with an ice-like grasp. I can feel my hands shaking, the world spinning.

_We are writing to inform you of an attack on Cokeworth._

I can feel the grass, the Marauders sitting beside me, the sandwich turning to cardboard in my mouth - _All houses are down to rubble._

My heart is beating right out of my chest. Whoever said that loss gets easier as time passes is a liar. You miss them sometimes and the time between the times you miss them gets longer but when you remember to miss them, when you remember what you lost, it hurts more than anything in the world. It's worse than a thousand _Crucios_ to the heart and then there's the guilt – because it's been so long since you last felt this way and you feel like such an awful person for not thinking about them, because that's what they deserve isn't it?

_Mr and Mrs Evans… are declared to be dead._

The letter rises and I try to bring myself back but I can't hear anything. All I can hear is the roar of the world, I can see my dad with his pipe, my mum with her red hat, our holiday to Brighton, the book they bought me when I fell off my bike and broke my leg, my eighth birthday party, my first school report… a childhood full of things I can't see clearly. A childhood full of things they'll never do again. It's all so misty and cloudy – I can't remember it all anymore. It feels so distant and faded.

Arms around me, holding me tight, the world's collapsing, asphyxiating me. I can hear whispering, or is it shouting?

"_Lily! Lily! You're okay, you're okay…"_

It's James, it must be. I'd recognise his voice anywhere. I can hear crying – is it me or is it him? He's rocking me now and things start to focus, the feeling comes back to my hands and I can feel the warmth of his chest. I'm curled up, my arms around my knees.

_Calm, Lily, calm… _

You're safe, James is here, nothing can hurt you anymore.

He's murmuring words that I can't decipher but they sound comforting and secure, like his arms around me.

"They're gone, they're gone…" I can hear the words tug out of my mouth, but they're hollow and detached.

"I'm here, Lily."

I give up fighting and fall against him, crying until my tears run dry.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I have one arm around Lily, my other hand on a letter from the Ministry.

I don't want to have to tell Lily – partly because I'm scared of how she'll react, partly because she seems in a bad way already. I don't know what happened exactly – I walked outside and Lily was shaking and rocking and her breathing… I thought she was possessed by something.

She seems okay now. It's been a while since this has happened, it usually happens to me, not her. I'll see something, hear something, that reminds me of them and it's like something crushing your insides, shaking your guts and compressing your heart. The fear comes back, the grief and the panic, too. I hate that it happens so often but I suppose this is war. Now, we make sure we always have Droughts of Peace and potions for a dreamless sleep in the house – anything to make it go away.

When I was younger, I was told that soldiers were heroes - the heroes of the story that had suffered great losses but lived in glory. They were happy and care-free and wonderful – but that's not what soldiers are like. Heroes aren't happy. When you lose something, you don't just lose it that day, you lose it every day of your life. It doesn't go away – space makes it better, time may start to heal it but it doesn't go away. It's in your head, behind your eyes, it lives in the shadows and every day – the pain renews itself. Sometimes it gets too much, sometimes it's too overwhelming and your body shuts down.

It's hard when it happens but it's so much worse when it happens to someone else, someone you love, Lily – but she understands what it's like. She knows what it's like to feel this way and if there's anything I've been longing for all my life, it's for someone to understand.

So we sit there and even though she's the one who needs support, I'm leaning on her. I'm going to need all the strength I can get.

"James?" her voice is hesitant, but strong.

"Yes?"

"What does the letter say?"

I look away, unable to meet her gaze.

"James, please. Please don't make me guess. I can't stand not knowing if it's Fabian, Gideon, Frank, Al, Benjy…"

"There was another attack, Marlene… All the McKinnons… there were Death Eaters, no one knows who exactly but Travers was one of them…"

"Does Sirius know?"

"I have no idea."

She's silent a moment before she gets up and walks towards the door. I watch her go, what else can I do? Another one dead – I just wasn't expecting the next death to be so close to home. So far, it's been people I barely recognise, people I don't know at all, but Marlene I did know. Marlene was part of my childhood, coming to the Manor every summer, Marlene who was so alive and energetic, Marlene was simply always _there_. In the Gryffindor Common Room, nattering away to Alice Smith, here at Christmas, here helping us move in… and now she's gone. Another one, gone.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

What is it that James Whitcomb Riley says?

_And loyal still, as he gave the blows_

_Of his warrior-strength to his country's foes._

_Mild and gentle, as he was brave –,_

_When the sweetest love of his life he gave_

It's the end, though. It's the end that rings true: _Think of him still as the same, I say:_

_He is not dead- he is just away!_

I'm numb all over. They were in hiding; they were supposed to be safe. This was never supposed to happen. We all did everything in our power to prevent it.

I can't stop seeing her face – beautiful blue eyes, golden hair, perfect smile – a smile that I'll never see again. I'll never hear her blunt assessments on people's characters again, I'll never walk with her by my side and feel like I can conquer anything again, I'll never sit with her all day in the sun and feel perfectly content again, I'll never fight by her side and go into battle with her again. So many things I'll never do now that she's dead.

I miss her so much – and the statement feels so inadequate. Missing her doesn't cover it – it's like something has been ripped from me, torn apart and burned. For so many years, it had been me, Mar and Alice. What happened? Now Alice is God knows where, Marlene's dead and I'm alone.

I'm at the graveyard in Cokeworth, my back against their gravestones. Fate is cruel. Life is cruel. But I already knew that, so why does it come with so much surprise? Why does it feel so horrible if I've been through it before?

"Lily?"

James' voice.

"Mama," Harry's voice.

I look up and my family is there and we sit together. No one says anything, we just hold each other. The worst thing is that I know I'll have to get up at some point and carry on. It doesn't matter how much the world crumbles, life still goes on. The war still goes on. Yet, as awful as it is and as awful as it will be, in the words of Oscar Wilde: love is always with you, and love is stronger than death is.

* * *

THREE DAYS LATER

* * *

It has been three days. No one has seen Sirius in all that time – no trace whatsoever. I've sent him letters, like always but he hasn't replied.

Meanwhile, this grief has brought me closer to my old school friends – the Prewett twins, Dorcas, Emmeline and it has somehow united all of us in the Order. Marlene was so alive, so full of life, she was a strong character. Not everybody liked Marlene but she was popular, she had a way of grabbing your attention and making you want her to like you. She was like a firework, impulsive and unpredictable, full of energy and vigour and so beautiful. I simply can't put into words how much I miss her.

When my parents died, I felt alone. Yet now, I don't feel so alone – my friends are going through the same thing. They know what it's like. This war has never felt so real – and personal. I'm not fighting because I have to, though that is part of it, I'm fighting because I want to. I want my rights and freedom in this world. I want to feel safe again. I want a better world for everyone, one in which there is no persecution of Muggle-borns, one in which the system is fair and if the price of that is my life, then so be it. I'm not giving up. You see it's not just my life I want to protect – I have to think about all our lives, Harry's life – Harry's future.

"Lily?"

James smiles sadly as he sits down next to me. He grasps my hand tightly.

"We'll get through this. We've been through worse…"

"I know. It doesn't make it any less difficult though."

"That's true… I haven't heard from Padfoot. Still no word from Alice?"

Despite our differences – despite everything, I've been trying to reach out to her. The funeral is only a few days away.

"Not so much as a Patronus."

"No word from Wormtail either."

"Peter?"

"Didn't you hear? He's been gone since yesterday – he came back for a few days from the last trip and now he's gone again. Left a note saying something about a long trip to the mountains for the Order."

"On his own?"

"Apparently."

"Really?"

"I was surprised too."

I lean into him, my face buried into his chest. I can feel his heartbeat, slow and steady. Rhythmic.

"What are we going to do James?"

"I honestly don't know anymore. I wish Padfoot would come home. Moony's been trying to track him down, Alice too but he's getting nowhere. We've all been so unfocused… I hate to say it but we have to get back to work, Order meetings, filing… even if we can't actually bloody fight…"

"I wish time would just slow down once in a while."

"Maybe this is the wrong time to say it but when I'm with you, time always seems to slow down."

"Maybe this is the wrong time to say it but I love you more than anything, even when you do say cheesy things like that."

"I love you."

And so we kiss, in spite of everything. Hating the world on your own is tiring but together, the rest of the world doesn't seem to matter all that much. Together, we are alive. We have been through a lot, so many changes and twists and turns… but he never left my side, never faltered for a moment and I love him. We will get through this, I promise.

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

A WEEK LATER

THE FUNERAL

* * *

Not many people could make it. It was a small ceremony and short, too. A few people said a few words, there were tears, and there were half-hearted condolences and bloody news reporters.

Of course a tragic story about a girl, fighting for freedom only to be plucked untimely from the clutches of youth by a cruel fate at the hands of her enemies is too good a story to pass. Lily refused to say a word to them.

"She's dead and all they care about is making money out of it," she'd muttered under her breath, clearly angry.

There was nothing to say.

"Did you hear some of them?" Lily says, as we walk out of the ceremony, "It's like they didn't even _know_ her! She wasn't sweet and honest! She wasn't a homely girl who dreamed of having children! And Sturgis _hated_ her, now he's making out that she's some kind of hero. Why is it that the dead are never remembered as they were when they were alive?"

"Only the good die young, Lily."

"Bloody dishonesty."

"I know."

"I wish Alice was here."

"Alice Smith?" I ask – I know she's been trying to get into contact with her – it's only right she knows about Marlene, "I know you've been trying to contact her but I thought you two weren't friends anymore. Why would you want her here?"

"We're not, it's just… she and Marlene _were_ best friends. They were so much closer than Marlene and I ever were and I feel as though she should be here."

"Lil… she's not –"

"I know," she says quietly.

There's nothing to say then, no magic words to make it better so we stand there, leaning on each other, tired and worn, just us two, shoulders braced, against the world.


	63. Good Intentions & Desperation

**A/N:**** Hello! Sorry about the last chapter. I'd say that it gets better from here but it doesn't so... I've tried (quite possibly unsuccessfully) to make this slightly more light-hearted but who knows? I hate to say it, but we are kind of close to the end :( Thank you for sticking with me, reading, following, favourite-ing, reviewing - all of it. You're all fabulous!**

**Anyway, I hope you (try to) enjoy this and have a lovely day!**

**(On a completely unrelated note, what on Earth was Allegiant? I don't know why I bother with those films, honestly I don't.) **

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

SEPTEMBER 1981

SPINNER'S END

_~FLASHBACK~_

* * *

"We're different, you and me."

"I don't know if I like being different," Lily says, her long red hair tangled in the grass; "Tuney doesn't like it."

"Well I don't like _her_."

"Once you get to know her, she's really nice," Lily says weakly.

"She's not nice to you."

"That's because she doesn't understand. My dad says people are afraid of things they don't understand."

"She can't understand, she's a _Muggle_."

"She's my sister."

"Why d'you like her so much?"

"Because she's my sister."

"That's a stupid reason to like someone."

"No it's not."

"It is. I don't like my dad – I don't care if he's my dad or not."

"Severus!" she exclaims, sounding horrified, "of course you care!"

"I don't. If you met him, you'd see."

"Is he horrible?" she sounds worried now.

"Only when I'm not fast enough."

* * *

_~FLASHBACK OVER~_

* * *

"Snape," Lucius saunters over to me, "we're meeting upstairs."

I say nothing but follow him down a few corridors, pretending to listen to his pretentious chatter whilst thinking of as many ways to kill him as possible. I wonder how long it would take people to notice if I hung him up on the chandelier… Narcissa would probably mind quite a lot – maybe it's best if I refrain from doing anything violent.

Oh but the temptation.

"Snape! Malfoy! We've been waiting for you."

I see the Dark Lord before me, looking youthful and almost cheerful. I hate it when he's in this sort of mood. I take a seat – there are a few Death Eaters in the room – we're in an old abandoned house of some sort – or maybe it was only recently abandoned when Death Eaters took it over.

Bellatrix is sat beside the Dark Lord, practically glowing in his presence. I see Rosier and Mulciber, too.

"The reason you are here is because most of you are at least a little competent and for what I'm about to do, I need brains."

Nobody says a word. These meetings have always been so balanced in conversation.

"Now, there has been an interesting turn of events," oh here we go, "Snape, remember that little prophecy you told me about?"

"Yes," I say, my voice clipped.

"Well I think I have the answer. I hadn't thought much of it – it was from Trelawney after all and I've been… preoccupied."

Silence falls; I can hardly hear anyone breathing.

"My Lord?" Bellatrix asks. "What prophecy are you talking about?"

"That matters not, what matters is how we're going to deal with it. I'd give this responsibility to one of you worthless lot but no doubt you'd fail somehow. I'm looking for Order members with a child born in July…"

Again, no one so much as breathes.

"I see we're not very warmed up today. No matter – Rosier!"

Rosier snaps to attention, "Yes, my Lord."

"I'm entrusting you with collecting information on Order members with children – I want locations, profiles, history – I want detail."

"Of course, my Lord."

"Now that that's settled the next order of business…"

The meeting goes on this way, high tension in the room. The Dark Lord has not been around very much lately so we've been pretty much running ourselves. Now that he's back and leading meetings and giving orders, everything is running a lot more smoothly. We have plans to obliterate several Wizarding families in the hopes of first, scaring those who are undecided about their allegiance in this war, second, to gain some power within the Ministry (many members of prominent Wizarding families are in high political places – someone needs to fill those jobs) and also to bring down the ranks of the Order. There really aren't very many of them. We, however, have many people on our side and not just Wizards, creatures as well. Maybe we will win this war. It's hard to see how the Order will win when the odds are tipped so far in our favour.

The Dark Lord has been thinking a lot about the Prophecy. He's assigned Rosier the job of collecting information (something I have no doubt that he'll do) but other than a small circle of Death Eaters, the Prophecy is not common knowledge. Most Death Eaters know absolutely nothing about it and from what I gather from Dumbledore, it's the same on the Light side of the war.

Personally, I think the Dark Lord should spend less time pouring over the Prophecy and whatever it is that he does when he goes off by himself and more time on logistics of war. I hate to say it but at least Dumbledore is absolutely focused on the task at hand. In comparison, the Dark Lord seems an awful lot like a small child getting distracted by shiny objects when they should be doing homework. It's hard to have faith in a cause when the leader is absent in more ways than one.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

OCTOBER 1981

* * *

I was over at the Burrow earlier today – Fabian and Gideon died yesterday.

Everyone's still in shock. They were two of our best fighters, two of the smartest and now they're dead. Moody seemed particularly affected by this, in a way he wasn't when other members died. Molly is distraught. I just sat with her, I brought her some cake and that was it – there wasn't anything to say, no way to console her. I'm now in Cokeworth –in the graveyard.

James doesn't mind as much, me being here. It's one of the only places that I can clear my head. Besides, it's usually deserted.

I take Harry here sometimes – we plant flowers together, dig up the weeds and tend to the garden in general. I know graveyards are supposed to be grim but this one is beautiful and ironically full of life. It's sad to think that my parents never got the chance to meet Harry – they'd always wanted a grandchild. I wonder what they'd have made of Dudley. I've only seen pictures but if he's anything like his father then I don't suspect he'll be a very nice child. I have tried getting in touch but the responses are always very short and blunt – they want absolutely nothing to do with us, which is just fine, just fine by me, just fine by James. They are family though and I feel a little regretful that we aren't making more of an effort.

I hear footsteps.

It's Snape. His silhouette is unmistakable.

For Merlin's sake – I've had enough of him. I've had enough of him waltzing into my life when he feels like it and making me feel like shit. I've had enough of him thinking he has the right to just talk to me like we're not on opposite sides of a war, like we're friends. I get up and spin to face him, my wand out, disarming him quickly and mentally preparing myself to Apparate away. There's something about his expression that makes me hesitate, however and he grasps the opportunity, speaking hastily.

"Lily – wait- I need to tell you something!"

I back away, my wand-arm still outstretched. "I don't want to hear it."

"You're not safe Lily! You need to –"

"I don't _need_ to do anything. Now _please_ can you leave me alone?"

"It's not just you! It affects Harry – Harry and Potter- it affects them too – you're all in danger."

That stops me in my tracks. He must be talking rubbish – how can I believe a word that comes out of his traitorous mouth? "If you don't leave right now, I'll make you."

"There's a Prophecy, it doesn't matter but the Dark Lord's hunting Harry down. You have to hide – please, go where he won't find you – let me help you –"

"Why can't you get it into your head? I don't want your help!"

"What about your son? Don't you care about what happens to him? Don't you know what He'll do to him when he finds him?"

"Shut up! You're a sneaky, mendacious, disingenuous bastard! Why would you tell me this, so you can finish off what you started in seventh year? Haven't you caused enough suffering in my life yet? You don't get care what happens to Harry –"

"I care what happens to you."

I glare at him with as much loathing as I have ever felt in my life. How dare he? How can he talk to me this way? As though I need him, as though he _cares_.

"I don't believe you. You said we couldn't be friends. You said you didn't love me anymore –"

"Well I lied," he snapped, "don't give me that look; I'm trying to help you and that pus-filled airhead stay alive. You could at least be grateful."

"Be grateful? How can I possibly trust you? You're a coward – and a liar."

"We're on the same side, Lily. You don't have to trust me, just hide, please –"

"No – I can't deal with this – with you- right now. Why can't you comprehend that I don't want you anywhere near me! You decided to get out of my life so do yourself a favour and fucking stay out of it."

I hex him then, throw his wand on the ground and Apparate home.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

OCTOBER 1981

COKEWORTH

* * *

I climb the hilltop, the cold and the darkness making my skin numb, the wind is whistling through the branches of the trees. The autumn has already washed away the leaves of summer. Perhaps if I had more time, I'd think about all the time Lily and I spent here together but I don't – I've run out of time.

My meeting with Lily did not go well – but maybe he can help. Maybe he can make her see reason.

I'm out of breath, panting. He said he'd come. My wand tightly in my hand, I look around. Where is he? I can feel the fear grip my soul. I can almost feel the time slipping through my fingers.

A bright, jagged stream of white light flies through the air. He has arrived. My wand is snatched from my hand and I am brought to my knees.

"Don't kill me!"

"That was not my intention."

Dumbledore stands before me. The wind starts to roar, snapping at my robes and stabbing through my body. Though it is dark, Dumbledore's face is lit by the light of his wand. He looks expectant, wary. How can I convince him to trust me? How can I _make_ him help me?

"Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"

"No—no message—I'm here on my own account!" I am desperate; there is no doubt about that. "I—I come with a warning—no, a request—please—"

Dumbledore waves his wand and whilst the branches still wave and shudder, silence begins to fall. It's deafening.

"What request could a Death Eater make of me?"

This is certainly going to be difficult. Oh what a mess I've made of it all.

"The—the prophecy. . . the prediction. . . Trelawney. . . "

"Ah, yes," says Dumbledore. "How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?"

"Everything—everything I heard!" I say. "That is why—it is for that reason—he thinks it means Lily Evans!"

"The prophecy did not refer to a woman," Dumbledore has his eyes narrowed. "It spoke of a boy born at the end of July—"

"You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down—kill them all—"

"If she means so much to you," Dumbledore says, "surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?"

"I have—I have asked him—"

"You disgust me," the raw contempt in his voice makes me inch back.

I was wrong to come here –he won't help me but I have to try. For her, for Lily.

"You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"

I say nothing but I look at him. I should have known that this would be the only way – he doesn't understand. Nobody ever understood – all I care about is Lily but Dumbledore – he cares for them all.

"Hide them all, then," my voice is croaky – I'm exhausted. "Keep her—them—safe. Please."

"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"

"In—in return?" What a question, what would I give in return for the safety of Lily? Well, I know the answer to this question at least, "Anything."


	64. Fumes and Barley Sugars

**A/N:**** Hello! The sun is shining, birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing... it's a beautiful day to be alive. **

**I don't really know what I was thinking, just something slightly silly with a bit of a serious note at the end. As always, thank you, thank you for all your support! I adore you all - I appreciate you more than words can express. I hope you enjoy this chapter and have a pleasantly lovely day!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

POTTER'S COTTAGE

OCTOBER 1980

* * *

"Morning," a cheerful, breezy voice sings out, jolting me awake.

I glance up to see Lily, already dressed with a tray in her arms. She sets the tray on the desk and makes her way over to me.

"Morning?" I ask, too tired to be properly confused by the scene before me.

"I made breakfast."

"I can see that," I say, taking in the beauteous sight before me of toast, eggs, bacon and oh Merlin that _smell_. Why?"

"Because why not? I got up at 5 am for some reason and I had one of those random bursts of motivation… It's been a _very_ productive morning."

"Oh Merlin," I groan. "What have you done now?"

"Hey! You're going to really like it, promise."

"As much as I love surprises –"

"Have a little faith, will you? This used to be one of your favourite months of the year. We can take Harry out to the woods, step in piles of leaves, carve pumpkins –"

"It _used_ to be one of my favourite months, when the others were here."

Lily's smile seems to falter for the slightest moment before brightening, somewhat falsely at first but then genuinely as though remembering something.

"That was the other thing. I got a letter this morning."

She tosses me a letter written on the back of a Cauldron Sale leaflet.

_Lily flower,_

_Almost finished. Be there around lunch._

_Padfoot._

"Padfoot's coming here?"

"Yeah, he's finished whatever Order business it was that he had to do, so he's crashing here for a few nights."

"He didn't send me a letter."

"No need to start sulking," she teases, grinning. "He just likes me better than you."

"Always so full of yourself."

"I have to be – how would I be able to handle you otherwise?"

"Excuse me, what exactly are you trying to insinuate?"

"Now who's getting all defensive?"

"You can't answer a question with a question!"

"Can't I?"

"Now you're just being difficult."

"Better difficult than a bore, don't you think?"

"No, no I don't think."

"Well that's evident, isn't it?"

"You're mean this morning."

"Not mean, just sharp… Is James Lord-of-All Potter conceding to my superiority?"

"Fat chance of that, Lily-flower."

"Ooh, are you challenging me?"

"It's not much of a challenge if I'm going to win."

"Someone sounds confident, but can you put your money where your mouth is?"

"Naturally, it's what I do best."

Without warning, she jumps forwards and start tackling me. I'm not prepared for wrestling this early in the morning. We roll over a few times, sometimes wobbling dangerously close to the edge of the bed but soon the strength in her arms slackens a little and she's giggling, our legs intertwining with each other, her hair splayed out everywhere like a halo. I have her pinned so that she's half hanging off the bed – all the responsibilities that have been weighing me down seem to vanish. I can't help laughing too at the sight of her eyes dancing with child-like amusement.

I lean down to kiss her but she jerks upwards and spins us over, so that's she pinning me.

"Got you," she whispers into my neck.

"Always," I whisper back.

She kisses me then and all I can feel is my love for her, the way she brightens up my day with a single smile, the way she can make all the pain dissipate with a single touch, the way she's always there, through thick and thin, holding my hand, keeping me upright and helping me get through it.

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

"Lily, I'm really not sure about this –"

"Yes, yes, I know, now please shut up for just a moment."

I lead him, blindfolded into the storage-type room that we never use. I've spent the whole morning finishing a mural/timeline on the wall of Quidditch throughout the ages, told in a series of illustration/collages and captions – all the big matches, the Cups and also his Hogwarts matches (took quite a bit of research, I can tell you). At the end, I've got Harry on his broom, playing a mini game of Quidditch with James. Harry won. He's always doing really sweet things for me so I wanted to do something for him and I know how much Quidditch is a part of his life – or was- and how much it means to him.

I take off his blindfold and he looks around, slightly mesmerised.

"Lily… this is – wow. I didn't know you can draw."

"I can't," I reply, "but I can make collages. It's all made out of wallpaper scraps, cuttings from the Daily Prophet, newspapers, magazines…"

"It's incredible," he breaths, still looking around in awe. "_You're_ incredible."

He picks me up, spins me around and kisses me.

"You did this all by yourself?"

"Harry tried to help but yes, I've had a lot of free time now that we're not allowed to fight."

"So this is where you've been for the past month."

"Yep."

"I did wonder…"

"What did you think I was doing?"

"Oh Merlin knows; I've learned that it's best not to ask."

"I wanted to do something nice for you –"

"Lily, this is more than nice, this is spectacular."

He kisses me, hugging me tightly and holding me close. How did I get so lucky? Whatever did I do to deserve someone like him? I love him more than words can say. It's a love that touches my heart the way the first rays of sunset touch your skin, it's a love that makes me breathless and leaves me in awe the way gazing at constellations in a navy expanse spattered with starlight can only begin to compare to, it's a love that warms me from the inside, even when he's not around the way a cup of tea on a cold winters day soothes my bones. His kiss and his touch lingers long after he's gone, his presence brings me alive. He is a part of me, as essential to me as sleeping or breathing. He taught me how to let go, how to be free and most of all, he taught me how to love when the world seems to be void of it. Never have I been so aware of another person as I am of him. Never have I felt such a way about anyone as I feel about him.

* * *

LATER ON THAT DAY

* * *

The doorbell rings – it's Padfoot.

Sirius bursts through the door, grinning like Christmas came early. Harry barrels through and charges at Sirius, wrapping his tiny arms around Sirius' legs. Sirius laughs and picks Harry up, swinging him around in a way that makes my stomach lurch – but I know that Harry's in safe hands. Harry giggles uncontrollably before Sirius sets him down on the ground.

He and James do their "man hug" (another bloody rule of Maraudership). I throw my arms around his neck – I'm pleased to see him. He's been gone longer than I've ever known him to be gone – he hasn't shaved in _months_ and he seems to somehow have grown.

"Long time no see," I say.

"Missed me Lily-flower?"

"Never."

"However did you manage without me? I bet this house was so empty whilst I was gone."

"Not with this little blighter around, running rampage," James says, ruffling Harry's hair affectionately.

"I got your letter, glad to hear Harry liked his present."

"Did he ever, we've hardly been able to get him off of it, have we Lily?"

"No," I sigh, "he's been terrorising the poor cat…"

"Does the cat have a name yet?"

"Actually yes, we've called it Oscar – after Oscar Wilde."

"Damn typical – you two are such nerds. I walk in here and bam – I'm assaulted by an excess of nerdy-ness."

"Well, moderation is a fatal thing, nothing succeeds like excess," James smirks, winking at me.

"Can I please escape the Oscar Wilde quotes for at least five minutes?"

"Fine, it's not my fault you have no interest in the genius that is Oscar Wilde," I say.

"Now I see why you two are soul mates – absolutely crazy, the both of you."

He then strolls past us into the kitchen and with a flick of his wand, turns on the kettle and settles himself on a chair, his feet resting on the table. I can't help grinning because this house wouldn't be a home without the people that live in it.

"How was the mission?"

"Mission," Sirius snorts. "I wouldn't go as far as to call it _that_… It was pretty shit – we all split up at one point – Benjy got blown up. We were searching for hours, only found bits of him."

"Merlin, that's awful."

"I know, I liked Benjy. He was a good man, always had a nice thing to say about everyone. Hestia was distraught – she knew him better than most people did. He was a very private person. I heard about Marlene," he swallows, "I should have been at the funeral."

"Sirius –"

"Whatever heart-warming, loving thing you're going to say, Lily, please don't. I'm sure you're right, whatever it is you were going to say but I was a prick and that's my fault and I don't want to hear anything different, okay?"

"Okay, fine, you're a prick."

"Thank you –"

"But a well-meaning prick."

Sirius grins at me despite himself.

"So what have you two been up to? How have you managed to survive living with this idiot, Lily?"

"Hey!" James says indignantly.

"He's not been that bad –"

"I'm right here."

"I mean there have been a few occasions when I felt like ripping my own hair out –"

"Understandable," Sirius takes a sip of his tea.

"Because you're such a joy to live with," James scowls at Sirius.

"I am amazing to live with, thank you very much. Who doesn't love waking up to see my handsome face in the mornings?"

"Good luck seeing the sunrise with his enormous head in the way, Lily."

"You're one to talk! At least I don't leave my socks everywhere around the house."

"Have you seen your room?"

"It's a contained mess."

"It's a pig sty!"

"Organised chaos, Prongs, it's an art form."

"_Art form_," James repeats scathingly, "I suppose rubbish tips are also works of art?"

"To those of us naturally blessed with an acute awareness of art –"

"You wouldn't know art if it hit you in the face."

"And you would?"

"Yes, actually, look at this piece of art right here," he takes my hand. "If this wonderful woman isn't art then nothing is."

"Urgh, I can't do this if you're going to be soppy and romantic about it. You're losing your touch, Prongs."

"You're just jealous Padfoot."

"Of what?"

"My ability to sustain a relationship."

"I don't _need_ a relationship, Prongs. Love is an illusion and you need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."

"Now who's quoting Oscar Wilde?" James says smugly.

"It's the fumes," Sirius sighs dramatically. "Being in this house is infecting me with crazy fumes."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

THE NEXT DAY

EARLY EVENING

* * *

Dumbledore is in our house. He arrived about ten minutes ago with an interesting selection of barley sugars. Whilst his company is -for the most part- greatly entertaining, his presence is making me nervous. He's been beating around the bush for ten minutes now, chatting away to Lily and making Harry laugh, but he's on edge.

Just as I'm about to interrupt his anecdote of his trip to the highlands two years ago, he exhales deeply and finally comes out with it.

"You've probably guessed that I haven't come here to talk humorously about holidays. I regret that it has come to this but there is not much else that I can do. There is a prophecy – about Harry and Lord Voldemort, and I fear for your lives as well as his. I intend to put your location under the Fidelius charm and conceal you from him. I wouldn't advise leaving the house too regularly and discretion is of the upmost importance…"

He then goes on to explain what the Prophecy says, Secret Keepers, trust, Death Eaters – but most of it goes over my head. All I can think of is the fact that my son is in danger, my wife is in more danger than she has ever been in before and I am trapped in this cottage until the war goes away.

What about the others, the other Marauders? Padfoot is still here but what about Wormtail and Moony? What if I never see them again?

"How long have you known about the Prophecy?" Lily asks, her expression unreadable.

"Perhaps under a year."

"Why didn't you mention it before? Our son has the weight of the future of the Wizarding World on his shoulders! He's just a child…"

"I didn't know how much Lord Voldemort knew of the Prophecy or what he intended to do about it. I'm sure you can appreciate my need for secrecy – this isn't the sort of thing one ought to shout from the rooftops."

"How? How can this possibly be true?" she cradles Harry in her arms, dread etched into every line on her face, "There must be other children born in July –"

"But only two to parents who have thrice defied him – and Lord Voldemort has chosen Harry."

"You trust your source?"

"Undoubtedly."

"Voldemort is looking for us?"

"I believe so."

"Then we can't afford to waste time. I'll get Sirius –"

"Lily? What are you doing?" I ask, following her as she heads upstairs to where Sirius is taking a shower.

"We need a Secret Keeper, don't we?"

"Dumbledore offered…"

"Dumbledore's an obvious choice."

"Voldemort wouldn't dare get close enough to Dumbledore –"

"Well, fine then, you decide but we have to decide quickly. Our _son_ is in danger and I'll be damned before I let that monster touch him."

"I'll talk to Sirius."


	65. The Fidelius Charm

**A/N:**** Hello! Alas, the end is nigh! Thank you so much for reading and following and favourite-ing and reviewing - much love to you all! ****This story has been a project of mine for a while and I'd never have come this far without all of your support. I know that it's got a lot darker than it originally started out but that's just the nature of the universe J K Rowling has created. As much as this has strayed from canon (usually accidentally because my brain... it's full of stuff and plans and argh, let's not go into it), it's ending will be faithful to the books. **

**Anyway, enjoy and have a lovely day!**

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

OCTOBER 1981

* * *

"You want me to be Secret Keeper?" Padfoot splutters, his toothbrush in his mouth.

"I know it's a lot to ask, mate, but we need someone we can trust."

And my trust for Padfoot is unwavering. From meeting him when we were eleven, to becoming best mates, to discovering that Moony was a werewolf, to learning how to be Animagi, to every prank, every midnight excursion, every Christmas, every birthday, him moving in, him being disowned, his brother dying, Order missions, girls, alcohol, deaths, war… everything. He's been there for everything, he's my brother. There's nothing I wouldn't trust him with.

"We really don't have much time, Sirius," Lily calls from the other side of the door.

"I think you're making a mistake –"

"Please, Sirius," Lily says, "for Harry."

Sirius suspires resignedly, setting his toothbrush down.

"Fine, but we need to do this quickly…"

He opens the door and Lily hugs him tightly, "You're the best."

"I know," he says, "how does the Fidelius Charm work?"

"It is rather complicated," Dumbledore appears behind us, nearly scaring us all to death, "I believe I can help, however."

Lily glances at him and nods, as if encouraging him to continue.

"Once your location is under the Fidelius Charm, it will be invisible, intangible, unplottable and soundproof. The secret will be concealed inside an individual's soul and so long as it remains there, it cannot be discovered by Lord Voldemort. Unless the Secret Keeper divulges it directly, it cannot be discovered any other way."

"So if I get tortured –"

Lily gulps slightly, the concern on her face becoming increasingly apparent. Her face starts to go white.

"It must be disclosed willingly, at least, that is my understanding."

"Is there a large possibility that you've misunderstood?"

"Quite possibly."

Lily blanches, looking very ill.

"Hey don't worry about me, Lily-flower. I'm invincible remember? Oh wait, what happens if I die?"

"Then the people who know the secret will become the Secret Keepers but I hope that it shall not come to that."

"So do I. What about whilst I'm still alive?"

"The people who know the secret won't be able to share it until you die – this location will still remain hidden to them unless they are alone and truly think about it."

"Right. When should we cast it?"

"Tomorrow?" Lily suggests, "We can get all the Marauders here one last time before…"

Before we hardly ever see them again went unsaid. To say goodbye also went unsaid.

"Time is of the essence," Dumbledore says, "good luck, I have every faith in you."

To whom he was referring, I have no idea. He then Apparates and leaves us alone. Lily turns to Sirius and throws her arms around him. He hugs her back, looking a lot calmer than I know he must be.

"Cheer up, Lil. It's not like I'm leaving you with Prongs for the rest of your life – I wouldn't inflict that fate on anyone."

"You'll be careful, won't you? Don't bloody get yourself killed – I'll never forgive you if you do."

"Hey, will I have to tell you two where your own house is?"

Lily steps back from him smiling and punches him in the arm, playfully. She looks a little livelier now.

"There's my girl," he says.

"There's our girl," I say, wrapping my arm around her, kissing her forehead.

She leans back and grasps my hand, her anxiety and distress crushing my hand – but I don't mind.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

* * *

We're out in the garden. It's late afternoon, Harry's crawling/walking around on the grass and Lily's brought out all of the good wine.

"Wormy! I haven't seen you for _ages_!" Moony beams at Wormtail.

Wormtail returns the hug awkwardly, looking very much out of place.

"How have you been?" he asks, fumbling.

"Pretty damn awful," Moony replies cheerfully, pouring himself some red wine.

"Oh," Wormtail replies. "That's… unfortunate."

"How's old Melanie?" Padfoot asks, leaning against the wall, lighting his cigarette.

"She ran off with an Irishman. They now have three children."

"Oh," I reply, pouring Wormtail a very large glass before adding to my own, "I'm sorry to hear that."

Wormtail shrugs, "She's happy, I think."

I hand him his glass.

"I was sorry to hear about Edgar," Moony says, sitting down.

"Edgar?" Lily asks, sitting down next to him.

"Didn't you hear? There was a Death Eater attack, you know how they've been getting quite close in tracking some Death Eaters down? Yeah, it was him, his wife, children… everyone."

"I can't believe it," Lily says, looking genuinely upset, "Amelia? Has anyone spoken to Amelia? Is she safe?"

"Moody said she was."

"Good. She must be… oh God. We should send something to her."

"Lily…" Padfoot sighs, "Is that really a good idea? I mean, I know it's a horrible thing to say but that family could have been yours. We got lucky this time but we know Voldemort's looking for Harry – we really can't take any risks. Which is why I think we need to get this spell done pretty quickly."

"I wish I could stay longer," Moony says, kissing Lily on the cheek. "We'll talk soon."

"Yes," Lily says sadly, "Remus? Stay safe, won't you?"

"Of course," he gives her a mock salute and then gives Harry a hug before nodding to me, Padfoot and Wormtail.

She watches him go.

"You'll see him again, Lil," I say, clutching her hand. "It's not goodbye forever."

"How do you know that?"

"I just do – when have I ever been wrong? Hmm?"

"How can you ever know if it's the last time? When I last saw Mar, I had no idea…" her voice cracks slightly but she shakes her head, dispelling the tears.

"You never know if it's the last time," I say softly. "So you cherish every moment you have. I know Moony, he'll be alright, I promise you."

"Shall we crack on with this charm?" she says with false brightness.

"I'll go," Wormtail says, shifting where he stands.

"Bye Wormy," Lily says, kissing him on the cheek. "You'll look after yourself, won't you?"

He nods back tightly.

* * *

A FEW DAYS LATER

* * *

Lily's made breakfast – a proper English breakfast with bacon that smells heavenly. She hasn't cooked like this in so long, the last time I had a breakfast like this – I can't even remember it. I have tried to do it before but ovens and timings and smoke… I'm not allowed to try again. We haven't cast the charm yet; we're going to do it today. It got too emotional yesterday so we decided to wait.

Padfoot enters the kitchen looking slightly dishevelled and tired. I reckon he didn't sleep much last night.

"Morning, Sirius," Lily says, handing him a cup of coffee. He sniffs it suspiciously. "It's black and bitter, just the way you like it."

"How can you be so cheerful? It's eight o'clock in the morning."

"Precisely," she says, tickling Harry as she walks past. "It's a new day, the sun is shining, the leaves look really pretty, Halloween is less than two weeks away – if that isn't enough to make you smile than you're more choleric than Scrooge."

"Scrooge?"

"Never mind, it's a Muggle thing. Now eat up."

He sits down at the table with a thump. He never was one for mornings, nor was I, or Lily but for some reason, Lily's taken it upon herself to be cheerful enough for the both of us. Perhaps it's because she feels obliged to lighten the mood and distract us. I don't blame her, it takes effort to keep up morale and the last thing I want is for Padfoot to collapse and drown in his own spiral of misery and despondency. It's very hard to pull him out when he does that.

Harry throws some toast at Padfoot's head and Padfoot finally cracks a smile.

"You're a little monster and a half," he says, pulling faces at Harry which cause him to start laughing.

Lily smiles from behind her cup of tea, squeezing my hand under the table.

"With aim like that, he'll be a Chaser when he's older," I announce.

"I wouldn't expect any less from a son of yours," Padfoot says, "but I've seen his reflexes – what about a Seeker?"

"A Seeker?" I muse over that thought whilst I chew on my eggs.

"Is that less dangerous than a Chaser?" Lily asks.

"Well he probably won't have more than one player purposefully barging into him at all times but Seekers can get into all sorts of nasty scrapes."

"Don't tell her that, Padfoot, or she'll never let him play Quidditch. Being a Seeker is perfectly safe, Lily. Don't listen to him."

"What's safe about being unnaturally high up, on a _broom_ of all things, at one hundred miles an hour?"

"Honestly Lily, that's where the thrill comes from. It wouldn't be fun if it was safe," Padfoot rolls his eyes.

"Yes, it would. It would give me great peace of mind for that wretched game to be safe."

"I don't know of anyone who'd be game for _safe_ Quidditch, do you Prongs?"

"No, I can't think of anyone."

"Him being on a broom doesn't worry you at all?" Lily asks, looking at Harry.

"He's a _Potter_. We belong on brooms, we're naturals."

"I swear, if he turns out as arrogant as you –"

"Not possible," Lily coughs into her tea.

"I am right here."

"Which is what makes teasing you so fun," she says, leaning over and kissing me on the lips.

"Um guys? I need to talk to you."

Lily's smile is quickly replaced with a face of utter seriousness.

"I don't think I should be your Secret Keeper – and that's not because I don't like the sound of responsibility or that I'm too scared or anything like that, I just think it would be smarter if it were someone Voldemort would never expect. Like, Wormtail, for example."

"Wormtail," I repeat.

"Yes, who in their right mind would expect Wormtail to be your Secret Keeper?"

"There is a reason why nobody would expect that –"

"Yes, I know he can be careless but we've known him since we were eleven. We can trust him not to fu-I mean mess, sorry Harry, we can trust him not to mess this up. It'll be a bluff. Voldemort will come after me, probably and he'd never in his wildest dreams think that Wormtail was your Secret Keeper."

"Is Voldemort following you?"

"If he isn't already, he soon will. I think this will be a lot safer. We won't tell anyone; it'll be completely secret. What do you think?"

I look at Lily; she seems to be considering it.

"I see your point, it's certainly valid. I just… there are so many ways that this can go wrong. How do we even know Wormtail would agree to be our Secret Keeper?"

"I invited him over so you can ask him yourself. I think this is the smartest thing to do. I'm too obvious, it's much safer for Wormtail to be Secret Keeper."

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

A FEW HOURS LATER

* * *

We did it. We made Wormtail our Secret Keeper – I just hope he'll be okay. Padfoot went back to his apartment a couple of minutes ago, so now it's just me, James and Harry.

It's been a long day. Harry's playing with a toy dragon that someone bought him for his birthday – it occasionally breathes out flames that have no heat and don't burn anything, it just makes everyone jump and I worry that it might give Harry the wrong idea about fire.

I'm on the sofa, reading my novel - Fiesta: The Sun Also Rises. It's not the first time I've read it, but Hemingway has a way of writing that makes me want to read all of his books a thousand times. Every time, however, I just can't get over how much I dislike Frances and let's not start on Cohn.

I feel the sofa dip under someone's weight – James puts one arm around my shoulders and we sit in the light of the fire. The flickering flames seem to soften his features and bring a warmth to them that you don't normally see during the day, or at all really, not since our Hogwarts days. I rarely see him like this, completely comfortable and relaxed. His hair is gorgeous, he's gorgeous and sometimes it's nice to just take a moment to admire all the beautiful things around you and in your life. He's the highlight of every single one of my days, waking up to see him next to me is something I hope to always look forward to. He's everything I've ever wanted and more.

"You're staring," he says.

"Forgive a lady for admiring the finer things in life."

"The finer things in life?" he smirks.

"What? Have you suddenly gone humble? Will wonders never cease?"

"Enjoying your book?"

"Bullfighting, drinking, the aristocracy and a love that is never to be… It's wonderful."

"Sounds like a Muggle book."

"However did you guess? Just because you have no respect for Hemingway –"

"I'm not sure I even know who that is," he says, taking my book from me.

"No appreciation for fine authors," I mutter, reaching for my book.

"He's not even English," James sets me book down on the floor.

"So? He's an expatriate, lots of great writers are. Perhaps I'll move to Paris, find divine inspiration, and write a novel that'll make a fortune."

"Sounds rather far-fetched and drastic to me. Besides, you don't need a fortune; we already have one."

"One that we didn't earn, you mean. I don't think it sounds drastic at all – it's Paris! Just imagine - waltzing on a bridge at dusk, walking beside the Seine, climbing the Eiffel Tower and wandering the streets at midnight in the rain –"

"What's so good about Paris in the rain?"

"It's the most beautiful in the rain."

"You're crazy."

"Am I? Crazy in love with you, perhaps."

"You're a hopeless romantic," he snorts.

"And you're not? Admit it, there's something magical about Paris."

"Maybe if you're a bitter, lonely, delusional old soul."

"Fine, not Paris. How about Spain?"

"Do you know Spanish?"

"No – but I could learn."

"Not Spain."

"Fine, how about Italy?"

"Too much like France."

"Have you ever been to Italy?"

"I've been to practically every country in Europe – my parents liked to travel, remember?"

"We didn't go very many places when I was a child. I mean, we went to Brighton and seaside towns and London and places like that, but not usually abroad. Apart from one year, my parents had saved up for ages and we went to Paris. Maybe you think it sounds like a place for bitter, lonely old souls but I liked it. There was something about the culture that just seemed to grab me."

He looks at me with an unreadable expression – something between sadness, happiness, fondness and Merlin know what else.

"If you want to go to Paris, we'll go to Paris. Hell, I'll take you all over the world. By the time Harry's eleven, we'll have been to every country in Europe and more."

"Really?"

"Yeah – only my French is a little rusty, we may need to brush up a little."

I kiss him then, just because I know that it doesn't matter if it's Paris, Italy, Spain, Albania, or wherever, so long as I'm with him, I'll be happy. So long as we're together, I couldn't wish for anything better.


	66. Incompetence & Promises

**A/N:**** Hello! Thank you ever so much for your continued support, it means so much to me! **

**Though I hate to say it, there is not much more to go. I think it'll be finished by the next chapter - which is sad, in a way. It's been part of my routine for absolutely _ages_ (or it feels like it). I've loved every minute (or close enough) and I'd never have improved or gotten so far without you, so thank you.**

**If you're interested, I do have a second story which is a sort of companion piece to this. It's drabbles, ficlets, character sketches, plot lines I never wrote in this story, other people's point of views, my head canons and that sort of thing. So if you want to know what happens to Oscar the cat, or what happened on Marlene and Sirius' first date, go and have a look, the link is on my profile.**

**Thank you, have a wonderful day and enjoy!**

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

OCTOBER 1981

HOGWARTS

* * *

I despise teaching.

Most of the children are incompetent, ungrateful and rude. How anyone can stand _teaching_ these monkeys is beyond me. What on Earth convinced me that teaching would be a good idea? I have no patience with people who can't follow basic instructions. If the textbook says crush, don't throw them in whole. I have not come across a single student who has a gift for Potions, not one. There are a few who, perhaps, with a lot of work, could be something resembling decent at Potions but none of them have the talent that Lily had at eleven, or even myself. It's so frustrating, sometimes I just want to rip my own hair out and the essays… where do I begin with the essays?

Ink stains everywhere, a disregard for basic grammar, a strange avoidance of all punctuation, spelling as rare as Hufflepuff winning the House Cup, writing that is illegible and, if by some miracle they can write, the content is riddled with factual errors, basic and reductionist thinking, no analysis or critical awareness… I'm at my wits' end. How can these people be the future of the Wizarding World? If I cared enough, I'd weep for humanity.

I'm still working as a Double Agent and sniffing out would-be Death Eaters in Slytherin is exceedingly dull. They think they're so impressive and tough – but when they get out into the real world, they'll have a nasty shock. Fighting in a war and being a Death Eater is not at all glamorous. I know what will happen, I've seen it before. Eager, half-witted youngsters desperate to please their parents, take the Dark Mark and decide they want all the _glory_ that comes with being a Death Eater. They fight a battle, have to kill a friend, get tortured and suddenly they realise, much too late, that this isn't what they wanted at all. That being a Death Eater isn't fun, isn't easy and they're in too fast to get out now. So, trapped, they either do something stupid and get themselves killed or they go mad. If, on the off chance, they're clever, then even the more reason to find them now. It's the clever ones that survive – but it doesn't matter how intelligent or cunning they might be, if they're arrogant as well, then they'll get complacent and in a war, complacency will get you killed. Again, I've seen it before.

The clever ones can be dissuaded from that path, but it can be a difficult task. When confronted they either pretend to be ignorant or they pretend to not care. Both are equally as aggravating. I don't see how the Dark Lord could ever accept them as Death Eaters. They're immature, unprepared and –

"Professor Snape?"

"What is it?"

"You said to come to you about my essay…"

"Well don't lurk in the doorway like a gremlin, come in for goodness sake."

"Yes sir."

He hands me his essay which I told him to rewrite – it's barely acceptable. At least he omitted the section about practical uses of wormwood, which was quite possibly one of the most painful things I've ever had to read.

"It's still sloppy. Your spelling is all over the place, your research is greatly flawed and what have I told you about paragraphs?"

"Um…"

"Use them! I shouldn't have to waste so much time trying to find where one section ends and the next one starts. It's a mess. You need to improve your handwriting."

"Yes sir."

"I've been told to talk to you about your Transfiguration results."

"Oh."

"They're slipping. It's the same with Herbology, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Potions… _all_ your subjects."

I stare at him and he squirms.

"You have terrible penmanship but you're not stupid."

"Thank you sir."

"I said you weren't stupid, not that you were student of the year. I am not blind, Matthews."

"I don't know what you mean, Professor."

"I think you do and if it turns out the way I think it will… I'd advise you to use that bloody brain of yours, or else you might find yourself in a situation less than… savoury."

"Are you threatening me, Professor?"

"Rewrite the section on wormwood; I expect to see improvement by tomorrow."

I turn my attention back to the essays I'm marking. He snatches his essay off the table and walks towards the door.

Matthews is only eleven and he's already wasting his life. Quite an accomplishment, I must say. I didn't perfect the art of destroying my future so effectively until I was at least fifteen.

I hear footsteps.

"So, Severus? Is he a Death Eater?"

I regard Dumbledore from behind my desk.

"Not yet."

"Then it's only a matter of time," he says sadly. "They get younger every year."

"I think it's more that we get older."

"Did he tell you..?"

"No. He was purposefully avoiding the subject."

"But you warned him?"

"He wouldn't listen."

"He will," Dumbledore sighs.

"I wouldn't be so sure."

"You think it's too late?"

"I never said that."

Dumbledore's expression is unreadable.

"They've cast the charm, Severus."

"Good."

"Voldemort –"

"Nobody's seen him."

"Is he looking for them?"

"If not now, he will be soon. The charm will keep them safe."

* * *

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

I'm leaning against the wall in our bedroom – Harry's about ready to go to sleep. Lily's finishing off her bedtime story for him.

If it weren't for them, I'd have gone mad by now.

It's almost been a week of staying inside, being trapped and shut in all day. We have a routine. Lily wakes me up, we go downstairs, have breakfast, she reads, I play with Harry – it's usually Quidditch related, sometimes Lily joins in, then we have lunch, then Harry usually naps, Lily and I make the most of our few hours of privacy, Harry wakes up, we give him an early dinner, we give Harry a bath, Lily reads to him (sometimes I read to him), then Harry goes to bed and it's just us two.

"Alright, trouble, time for bed," she says and Harry seems to give her a pleading look, which she ignores.

She closes her book and kisses him before going over to where I'm standing. I kiss Harry goodnight and then follow her downstairs. The minute I close the living room door, she wraps her arms around my middle, her cheek resting on my back.

"It's Halloween tomorrow," she whispers.

"I know," I twist around so that we're facing each other. "I wish we could take Harry out."

"I wish we could, too," Lily sighs, running her hand along my spine.

"Next year."

"Yes," Lily promises, "next year we'll go trick or treating, we'll all dress up, Sirius will hold his party and we'll carve pumpkins and decorate the house…"

"D'you remember that one Halloween in Hogwarts? When we had a ball in the Room of Requirement?"

"The one those Ravenclaws held in fifth year?" she asks.

"That's the one."

"Yes, Marlene made me go. It was a mythological theme, I came dressed as Persephone," she narrows her eyes at me, "and you, because you thought you were hilarious, came dressed as Hades."

"What can I say? I've always been a romantic."

She snorts, "You spent the whole evening following me around, trying to get me to dance with you."

"Well it worked."

"I only danced with you to shut you up."

"Of course you did."

"I did! And you kept trying to get me to drink pomegranate punch –"

"I wanted to know if the myths were true."

"And are they?" she asks, her lips hovering against mine.

"Well you drank it and here you are."

"Here I am," she agrees, "and I'm not leaving."

I tighten my grip on her waist and kiss her gently at first, brushing the stray strands of hair from her face. She presses her body against mine, deepening the kiss. She tastes of pumpkin juice and fruit cake. Her lips are soft, her kiss sends shudders of warmth through my body, making my fingers tingle and bringing my body alive.

I remember throughout seventh year, whilst on patrols in Hogwarts, we'd sneak off to find somewhere quiet. We'd kiss with the excitement of newfound love, the frenzy of not wanting to let go and the slightly exhilarating possibility of being caught. Now, not much has changed. She's still as beautiful as she ever was, perhaps more so. If anything, it's better now – we have a son whom I love more than I thought possible and she's… she brings light to my day, cheers me up, distracts me if I need it, talks when I need it and I don't know where I'd be without her. It's always been her, _always_. Every moment alone we have is golden.

I may not know when the war will end, or if I'll live to see another day, but I know that dead or alive, by her side is where I want to stay.

* * *

SEVERUS' P.O.V

* * *

There are about a million and one things that must be done, but only one thing is on my mind. The Dark Lord has been searching for her – for Harry. He said he would spare her, I begged him to spare her and he agreed.

I worry that his word doesn't mean very much. I don't trust him, that's for certain. I've changed sides, once and for all. It was Narcissa who really made me think about it, about what it _means_ to stand with the Dark side. Though I don't see how, I don't think the Dark Lord will win the war. He may have the advantage but, if nothing else, he simply doesn't seem to care about winning the war. He should be here, organising his army to attack the Ministry – if we do it now, the Ministry wouldn't hold. If he attacked now, he'd win.

Instead, he's off on his own, leaving the ranks to organise themselves. You can imagine how that's working out -pure chaos, absolute anarchy.

There are Death eaters like Mulciber, who may have had a trace of competence many years ago, but are now at the point of insanity. I don't think there's even a trace of order inside that thick skull of his. He's damaged his soul beyond repair – too many murders, too many unspeakable acts. We all knew what he did, we all knew what kind of things he did to women but we never said a word.

There's no one in the Order who does that. _That_ is what they're fighting against: the Mulcibers of this world.

There are many more like him, after all. Bellatrix, for example, who is so far gone, it's a wonder she can dress herself. She's like a cat, dragging in poor injured souls so that she can play with them some more before she eventually lets them die.

Rodolphus and Rabastan are just as bad. They pretty much torture anything that moves suddenly, which is why you don't approach them and if they come towards you, you run – and quickly. They often talk to themselves and in those rare moments when they seem slightly sane, you wish they weren't because everything that comes out of their mouths is foul. They might be aware that you're a Death Eater and not a crow, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you much better.

I've avoided mixing too much with those sorts of Death Eaters – they don't make for very good company. Luckily, those sorts of Death Eaters are in a minority. Most Death Eaters keep to themselves, fight when they're ordered to and otherwise remain silent. It suits everyone else just fine.

I've been keeping my distance from Narcissa, lest my true intentions be discovered. I don't want her or her son to suffer as consequence. The Dark Lord likes to do that – hurt the people closest to you. Perhaps she will understand – but perhaps not. We are very alike, and in that respect, very unforgiving. But what more can I do? Lily's suffered enough at the Dark side's hand as retribution for my mistakes; I'll not let Narcissa suffer the same fate. I've learnt my lesson and I won't make the same mistake twice.


	67. Until The Very End

**A/N:**** Hello! The dedication of this chapter is split in seven ways: to ****my sister, to ElsaElphieGinny, to Alyia, to BeanerWeasley, to ProngsifyMe, to Lara.x, and to you, if you have stuck with Jily until the very end. **

** I didn't want to clog up the top part - the real author's note is at the end. :)**

* * *

LILY'S P.O.V

HALLOWEEN NIGHT 1981

* * *

We're downstairs, in the living room. I cooked up our own Halloween feast, seeing as we can't go out. It wasn't exactly Hogwarts standard but James seemed to like it. I only wish we could have had our friends there with us, too. James and I are curled up on the sofa, Harry playing with a fake bat in my lap.

"You're restless," I murmur, stretching to kiss his neck.

"Can you really blame me?"

"Of course not. I'm sorry it had to be this way. I know it's stupid, but taking Harry out _at night_ on Halloween just seems to be inviting something to happen."

"Don't tell me you're superstitious now, you're supposed to be the wise one."

"I can't be wise at twenty-one years old – wisdom comes with age."

"And with love: Love is fed by the imagination, by which we become wiser than we know, better than we feel, nobler than we are: by which we can see life as a whole, by which and by which alone we can understand others in their real and their ideal relation –"

"Only what is fine, and finely conceived can feed love. But anything will feed hate."

"Indeed, the last enemy that shall be destroyed –"

"Is death."

"We're on a roll with our significant life quotes."

"We are," I agree, holding him a little tighter.

Harry crawls over my legs and onto James' lap. James tries to tug the rubber bat out of Harry's grasp but Harry promptly puts it in his mouth.

"I love you," I say to James, "more than I can possibly say."

He looks up at me, holding my gaze and he smiles that brilliant smile of his. It's a smile that instantly puts me at ease, a smile that reassures me and fills me with happiness. So when it starts to fade, my insides turn to ice. His attention is caught by something outside; I'm already on my feet.

James grabs Harry and gives him over to me, my arms envelope him tightly.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off-!"

I run out of the room and up the stairs, the blood draining from my body, every step feels like wading through treacle. I don't look back, I _can't_ look back – it could cost Harry's life if I do. Did James have his wand? I don't know. _Focus Lily, you need to get Harry out._ I can hear footsteps, I run faster.

I don't know which room I go into – I think that it's Harry's nursery. I set Harry down in his cot, lock the door and I start barricading it, painfully aware of the fact that my wand is still downstairs. It won't hold him off, it won't but it has to.

I look back at Harry. How can we get out? If only I had my wand. But I don't. I don't fancy our chances of getting out through the window… but maybe that will be the only way.

It's too late – no, it's never too late. The door blasts open, I rush to stand in front of Harry's cot, hoping to somehow conceal him from Voldemort. Maybe he'll let Harry go. Maybe he'll show mercy.

His presence here must mean that James… My heart swells with a grief unlike anything I've ever felt before. It starts in my chest, twisting like a knife, fracturing my veins and my bones. _No._ He won't kill my son, he won't. He's taken my parents, my best friend and – and James but he won't take my son away from me too.

"Stand aside. I only want the boy, there's no reason for you to die."

"I won't! Please not Harry, take me instead, just don't kill Harry –"

"Move out of the way."

"_Please_, I'll do anything! Don't kill my son, kill me instead but leave him be, I beg you –"

"A touching sight as well this may be, you were always a talented little thing, smart too. So stand aside and I'll do you no harm."

"Not Harry! Please, no, not Harry! I'll do anything!"

_Love will give you the strength you need when it matters most._

My thoughts flick back to that day at Cokeworth, when Dumbledore approached me and gave me that advice. I forgave my enemies then, but I can't forgive this one. I feel the thronging in my heart, the pain seeming to explode.

That was my husband, my soul mate, the love of my life. That man was all I had for a long time, that man supported me no matter what, loved me with every fibre of his being and I – I can't imagine a life without him. As far as I'm concerned, that life doesn't exist. There is no life without love, none at all.

The desperation consumes me. Harry must survive; I won't let this monster take Harry. I don't want to think at all but I do, I can feel everything. Everything I've been through, every war I fought in, every battle I won, every scar I got, every curse I cast – it's all been for James, James and my son, my little boy, my little angel –

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

_I'm sorry I failed you. _

The green light hits my body and I fall. I see no more. I feel no more. I am no more.

* * *

EPILOGUE

* * *

"_Yes, death. Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace."_

When Voldemort went to murder Harry, the spell rebounded. It obliterated his corporeal form and drove his unstable soul from his body. Due to Lily's loving sacrifice, Harry survived with just a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

Rubeus Hagrid recovered Harry from the ruins on Dumbledore's orders. He was taken to his Aunt Petunia's house.

Petunia arranged the funeral for her sister and brother-in-law and had them buried in Godric's Hollow.

She took in her nephew for his own protection – he became known as the Boy Who Lived.

* * *

MINISTRY OF MAGIC

REGARDING THE WIZARDING WAR

NOTE TO ALL WIZARDS AND WITCHES

1ST NOVEMEBER 1981

* * *

Whilst we may have won the war, it is a cadmean victory. Let us not forget the valiant soldiers who fought for our freedom and paid a heavy price for it.

Fabian and Gideon Prewett, both Order of the Phoenix members, were slaughtered by a group of Death Eaters led by Antonin Dolohov, though they fought bravely. Order member Dorcas Meadowes was killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself, the McKinnon family (including Order member Marlene McKinnon) was massacred by Death Eaters led by Travers, Order member Caradoc Dearborn disappeared and is presumed dead. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named killed an entire Goblin family near Nottingham.

Order member Benjy Fenwick was mutilated and murdered by Death Eaters. Edgar Bones (also an Order member) was murdered by Death Eaters along with his wife and children. Order members James and Lily Potter were murdered by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Alice and Frank Longbottom were attacked by Death Eaters Bellatrix, Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange, and Bartemius Crouch Jr.. They were captured and tortured extensively with the Cruciatus Curse, and although the Death Eaters were caught and sentenced to life imprisonment in Azkaban for their crimes, their victims will never recover.

We are working as efficiently as we can to bring justice to the fallen and restore our country to its former glory. Any information of Death Eaters' whereabouts or identities must by law, be reported to the Ministry.

In the meantime, as of our victory and the defeat of the Dark Wizard Lord Voldemort, I assert our inalienable right to party!

\- Millicent Bagnold, Minister for Magic

* * *

**A/N:**** Hello! Thank you ever so much for reading this story. Your support is amazing, it's truly fabulous! I'd never have gotten this far without it and I'd give you a hug if I could.**

**Please, please, please go and look on ElsaElphieGinny's profile! She is awesome and I would really recommend The Quiz of Gilderoy Lockheart because it is SO funny. Similarly, please go and look at BeanerWeasley's Unequivocal, I love it so, so much! And I implore you to look ****at Alyia's profile - she's fangirl. read. repeatt and I love her Looking For Alaska one-shot.**

**I thought that it would only be right to end this on Lily's P.O.V - the story starts from her P.O.V and you know, I open at the close and everything. **

**It's been a long journey (almost two years worth) and even though it is at its end, I hope you enjoyed it. **

**With much love and appreciation, I bid you adieu. Hail and farewell, **

**~ SuperMegaFoxyAwesomeHot2001**


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